There were many things I expected upon my return to the group of elven hoodlums.

Being the joyful participants of my carefully designed one day rehabilitation scheme for convicted litterers, I had high hopes. 

Grass so spotless I could admire my reflection in them. Trees so free of dirt they could be cut down and immediately sold as high-end furniture. Newly blossomed spring tulips popping up in the underbrush where the weeds had been rooted and burned. 

I received all that and more.

Indeed, as I peered upon the same grassy clearing I’d previously seen the miscreants running their tearful rags over, I took stock of an entirely new ecosystem. 

A meadow now stood where neglect had existed before. Carefully manicured grass swayed only gently in the breeze, reaching no further than halfway up my ankle. Amidst the sparkling sheen reflecting the moonlight, beds of healthy lavenders and hollyhocks were interwoven in criss-crossing patterns either side of a path marked by carefully placed pebbles.

And the centrepiece for all this–a shimmering pond.

Sourced from no discernible origin, it boasted water so clear it mirrored the stars. Newly invited fireflies skimmed the surface before dancing around dark fronds as tall as the withering reeds which previously existed.

It was a passable feat of nature restoration. 

And the reason was clear to see.

“Mrwwoorrw.”

A dire panther, its tail swishing idly as it casually prowled the meadow.

Golden eyes peeked through the newly installed flowerbeds, sweeping over hunched backs and sweating figures leaning over the unscrubbed flora still remaining. 

“Uuuuu … is it still there … please tell me it’s not still there …”

“I was … I was only gone for a moment! I swear I was coming back!”

“My hands … it hurts … it all hurts so much …”

I brushed my fingertip against the underside of a leaf hanging overhead. 

Sadly, judging by the single morsel of soil that now marred my skin, their rehabilitation may very well stretch into the next day. 

I sincerely hoped the dire panther was still available.

For a moment, I merely stood still, arms folded as I appraised the sight of this creature ensuring that all the ruffians were well on their way to rejoining society as productive citizens. It growled in a low tone as an elf accidentally dropped their rag. He bowed in apology repeatedly as his quivering hands struggled to juggle it back to his chest.

I smiled in satisfaction.

As did Coppelia beside me … as she stuffed her face with an amalgamation of melting gruyère, fresh butterhead lettuce, thinly sliced red onions, sweet tomatoes and beef patties doused in grease and finished in brioche.

“Omnomonomonomonomonomonom~”

Indeed, though the presence of a dire panther would normally be cause for concern, I held no fears that this one would be consuming my labour force for a late dinner. 

It had quite enough nourishment to satisfy even its wild appetite–providing its keeper still possessed any stock after my loyal handmaiden had finished readying herself for her winter hibernation.

“And anything for you, young miss?” asked the halfling, his smile and white teeth glinting through the plumes of steam rising from his cart. “I’ve plenty of sandwich melts to offer. I had the joy of restocking my inventory at a fair price. A hill giant in a cave offered me his ingredients for a few trade secrets.”

“Is that so?” I leaned away from the offered fare. “And did you provide them?”

“Not at all. Otherwise I would have received my ingredients for free, and then lose all my loyal customers the next day! A hill giant casts a big enough shadow without also bettering my recipes.”

“Perhaps you should have more faith in your customers. My loyal handmaiden certainly doesn’t seem keen to trade eateries anytime soon.”

The halfling laughed as Coppelia stood over the cart, ready to receive the sandwich melts the moment they exited the pot filled with the magic of … I had no idea.

And for all my natural curiosity, I didn’t wish to know.

“True, but I’m sure she’d say the same thing were she to try a hill giant’s fare.”

“I alreavvy ‘ave,” she replied, before swallowing over half of her remaining sandwich whole. “I like this more! I can say the name in under 15 syllables. That’s the problem with fancy food. By the time they’ve introduced it to you, it’s already gone cold.” 

“Really now,” I said, yet again reminded of the growing list of training she’d yet to begin. “Temperature has little bearing on the worthiness of fine dining.”

“Eh? Are you sure?”

“Whether it’s hot as a phoenix or cold as a slab of stone is quite irrelevant. The purpose of … fancy food, as you call it, is to highlight the gulf between the statuses of those at the table. To order dishes with the most imposing name is simply one of the many measures we use to determine pedigree.”

“Isn’t there already an easier way to do that? Like … money?”

“Of course. But there are also many battlefields. The world of haute cuisine may be a storied realm of evening brunches, but to those who ply their trade in court, it is but another stage where reputation is gained and lost.”

“... Soooo, does that mean I can become a Grand Duchess like that lady you don’t like but have never met by ordering magret de canard aux cerises noires et flambé à l'armagnac for breakfast?”

I raised my hand to my lips, finding myself amused by Coppelia’s innocent quip.

“Ohohoho … my dear Coppelia, for you to become the Grand Duchess, all you simply need to do is have no sense of conduct, decency or principles.”

Coppelia stopped chewing for a moment.

Then, she raised her sandwich melt to the sky.

“I can become the Grand Duchess!” she cheered, before promptly bringing it back to her mouth. “My first policy as leader of Granholtz will be to omnomnomnomnomnom … say, can I have another?”

Whatever Coppelia’s progressive policies in the cut-throat world of politics were, I would never know.

The halfling duly obliged her request, the spark of entrepreneurship in his eyes counting each and every transaction as he offered the next item.

Frankly, I had no idea how much each item cost. Perhaps if it was high enough, Coppelia would learn the lesson of restraint. And also the nature of my limited funds. My crowns were destined for great things. 

Feeding Coppelia who would just as happily nibble on the newly grown meadow was not one of them.

“You know, I can’t help but see only one satisfied stomach,” said the halfling, opening his pot of temptation once more. The steam flew towards my direction, and not entirely accidentally. “How about the first one at a discount?”

I chewed my lips, eyes straying to Coppelia’s ceaseless expression of delight.

“I … I will pass, thank you.”

“Hmm … in that case …”

Unperturbed, the halfling lifted the lid from another pot.

Suddenly, an altogether different aroma wafted out. Sweeter and richer, yet without the dollop of grease I could smell from Coppelia’s direction. She paused, noticing as well.

With a smile, the halfling lifted up something utterly peculiar. 

A warm, flattened pastry of some description, smothered in a pale red condiment and dollops of melted cheese.

“Pot roasted focaccia with a red pepper and tomato marinara, a generous helping of mature brie and finished with a sprinkle of fresh rosemary.”

My mouth widened at a concoction which had no business being presented to me.

It was … so unkempt!

There was no symmetry in this! It was akin to staring at ingredients tossed into a tarte provençale before it’d been covered! And despite the ingredients listed, it was clear at closer inspection what this was to me. 

Garnished flatbread. 

Much like the sandwich melt, it was commoner fare with a touch of ingenuity. Yet no amount of wordsmithing could change the fact it was bare in both appearance and ingredients!

There was simply no way I would …

“My newest invention. You can have it. Free.”

“I’ll take it,” said Coppelia, reaching out as the sandwich melt in her hands disappeared with the efficiency of an archmage extinguishing fire. She turned her enthusiastic smile at me. “You don’t want it, right?”

Before I could agree … which is absolutely what I was about to do, a second pair of filled tongs was directed towards Coppelia.

The second flatbread concoction barely had time to enjoy the view of the meadow before it was gone, a chunk missing from its circular edge as Coppelia began taste testing like a swarm of locusts.

To my shock, she didn’t say anything.

She merely ate in silence, before allowing her shoulders to drop with the weight of her smile.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~”

I raised my hands to my mouth in horror.

C-Coppelia! She’d become … lethargic!

Such a strange and dangerous food item! … Clearly, I had to measure its effects for myself! 

Only that way could I help save her should she permanently be in this undignified state!

With a gulp, I took the flatbread smothered in marinara sauce and melted brie. Its size easily filled up my two palms like an unfolded crêpe.

I could feel my princess points dropping just from holding it.

However!

“If … If Coppelia is in danger, I must save her!” I declared, as I leaned forwards to take a bite, yet again dispensing with both etiquette and cutlery for the sake of the greater good. “That is all I care about! Indeed, I already know there’s little chance I’d be enamoured with something so omomomomnomnom why is this so good?!”

The halfling broke into a proud smile. 

“Enjoy it?”

I was lost for words. Especially as I was still eating.

The salty sweetness of the marinara sauce! The light pungency from the melted brie! The rustic texture of the focaccia! The fragrance of the rosemary! It all came together like a ballet of quadruplet siblings, each in perfect sync from the moment they were conceived!

… And it’d come from a pot in a cart!

“It’s … It’s … u-unusual … to my palette …”

The halfling waited for me to finish eating, accepting my continued patronage as my true response.

“That’s a tick for my newest invention,” he said, returning his lids to his pots. “Glad you didn’t hate it. Either way, it’s free of charge, as I promised.” 

I offered a nod as my sense of dignity slowly returned.

So long as there were no witnesses, I was fine! The elves looking on in tearful envy as they scrubbed the grass? Why, their silence was guaranteed. 

“Thank you. Once again, I note your generosity–as well as your frequent occurrences. Are you not quite far from the road to search for customers? This is a highly unusual place to find your cart.”

The halfling chuckled. 

He brought out a much cleaner rag than those used by the nearby hooligans, then began to wipe down his cart.

“I smelled trouble,” he said with another flash of his white teeth. “And saw it as well. A mighty black wyvern in the sky, almost the size of a young dragon. And where there’s trouble, there’s adventurers seeking it out. Adventurers who pay very well and always in bulk.”

I let out a small groan.

The diminishing state of my personal funds was hardly in a position to deny his words.

“I see … that’s very expeditious of you, Sir Halfling. To race towards danger where others would flee is the hallmark of any great citizen. Your wish to offer the Royal Treasury a greater share of your taxable earnings is inspirational.”

The halfling suddenly coughed. His hands quickly rose to flick away the tiny amounts of steam remaining.

“That’s me, all right! A great citizen. Or trying to be, at least. It’s a long road.”

“Quite so. Though I’ve no doubt your cart will traverse it amicably. Sadly, you’ll need to turn yourself around. I’m afraid you’ll be lacking any further customers here. The black wyvern you witnessed has been felled, and his incredibly uncreative schemes for this fair land brought low with him.”

The halfling continued wiping his cart, his gaze set wholly on the stains upon his kitchen.

“... Is that so? And do you know what happened to this black wyvern, exactly?”

“He flew too close to the stars.” I raised a hand to my lips. “Ohohoho … one in particular. Me.” 

The halfling offered an inquisitive smile.

“I … I see?”

I nodded as I reached into my bottomless bag, before extracting a handful of crowns to leave on the cart. Though Coppelia wasn’t likely to learn her lesson this way, there was a time to be frugal, and that wasn’t while members of the public were judging my ability to pay by approximation only.

“Thank you for the excellent service. I hope I shall come across your cart once more.”

The halfling let out a small chuckle before settling on a weathered smile.

“I’ve no doubt this will be the case. Fate is a creature of habit as much as any of us.”

“Is that so? I wouldn’t know. Fate cares about me more than I care about it.”

And thus, I offered a final nod to the helpful halfling, and one towards the dire panther.

After all, it wasn’t only for their fare I was offering my crowns. It was their service as they assisted in rehabilitating these hoodlums. A short, but highly efficient process which should make a lasting impression on their ability to think clearly about respecting local laws in the future.

I turned around, facing the direction of the Loerstadt Gate. 

And then–

I smiled.

“Come, Coppelia! The malevolence upon this unwieldy forest has been turned! Those who sought to test us with their unfashionable schemes have been broken, and all which remains is our reward!”

She responded by stuffing another focaccia secretly handed to her into her mouth. She blinked at me innocently, then shamelessly devoured it before offering a wide beam as replacement.

“Okie~”

Utterly ignoring the blatantly unfair sight, I began to walk, enjoying the sensation of the neatly trimmed grass tickling the soles of my hardworking boots.

Let’s see … where was I on the list of crucial tasks to securing my daily supply of imported pillows?

Wilting farmlands in Rolstein … check!

Organised crime in Reitzlake … check!

Rebellion in Aquina … check!

Pirates besieging Trierport … check!

Unproductive mines in Stermondt … check!

Skirmishes at the Loerstadt Gate … check!

Ohoho … ohohohho … ohohohoohohohohohoho!!!!

What was this? The scent of triumph? … No, that was the grease. But as soon as it departed, I had no doubt the winds of victory would usher me back towards my waiting bedroom!

And if not, well–

There was always Apple!

“Ohohohohohoohoohoho … Coppelia, I do believe we’ve done an excellent job.”

“You mean all the explosions so far?”

“What? No. I mean all the foes we’ve dispatched through careful diplomacy. Know that when the time comes to give a full account of our doings, we never used more force than was strictly necessary. Also, we definitely never attacked first, willfully damaged private property or caused a single explosion.”

“Got it!~” Coppelia pumped her fist in the air. “We lie through our teeth!”

I nodded, satisfied she understood the process.

“I just have one question though,” she added, her smile filled with blinking innocence.

“Yes? What is it? Would you like to know where the bathrooms are in the Royal Villa?”

“You bet I do! But actually, I was more wondering about Granholtz.”

“Excuse me?”

“Granholtz. The Grand Duchy of Granholtz. You know, that really powerful nation that’s way bigger in size and population and just about every metric by several orders of magnitude. The one you have a lot of beef with. You insult their leader a lot.”

“Yes, I do. What about Granholtz?”

“Well, weren’t you concerned about them?”

“I’m always concerned about them. I’m the beloved princess of this kingdom. Being concerned with our neighbours is, after ensuring my happiness, my primary job. Yet despite my initial fears, it would appear that a certain individual now in your ….”

I shuddered as I recalled the sight of her stretching a giant window into the abyss over the wyvern head, aided by the tears moisturising its cheeks.

“My thingy?”

“Your thingy, yes. Despite my worries, it appears Granholtz have no overt hands in this. Naturally, I won’t discard some hidden ploy. But so long as they remain in the shadows where the Grand Duchess’s webs lie, then I’m content to offer my ignorance. For now.”

“Oh, okay.”

Coppelia whistled.

Again, with a childish innocence.

I pursed my lips tightly.

Every instinct, every fibre of my being told me not to inquire. I could feel it like an earthquake shaking my bones whenever my tutors bounded up the steps in search of my delicate head.

But even so … !

“Ugh.” I placed my fingertip upon my temple, already massaging myself. “Fine. What is it?”

“Hmm?”

“Clearly, there’s something you wish to draw to my attention. What is it?”

“Well, it might be nothing.”

I promptly brought my fingertips to my cheeks instead, ensuring that my unimpressed expression was as acute as I could manage. She rightly offered a look of apology. 

“Okay, question!”

“Go ahead.”

“Are any of your fancy knights allowed here?”

“Here? Most certainly not. Where we stand is very nearly the partition between Tirea and Granholtz. The reddest of lines. Any knight merely leaving the Loerstadt Gate would be a carefully orchestrated exercise in political insulting and sabre rattling. But to approach as close as here would be a provocation tantamount to war.”

“Oh, okay. Next question! What colour is Granholtz’s flag?”

“Black emblazoned with a golden dragon,” I replied automatically, before hesitating. “... Why?”

“Oh, I just wanted to make sure I got it right.”

Coppelia turned to the side.

Directing my attention from the Loerstadt Gate, she instead pointed towards the unspoken divide in the forest which separated the Kingdom of Tirea and the Grand Duchy of Granholtz. A small clearing where even the trees dared not encroach.

For a moment, it was all I could do to blink wordlessly at her.

And then … I followed the line of her fingertip, narrowing my eyes as I sought to discern any colour amidst the opposing treeline scarcely lit by the moonlight.

Several moments later, I witnessed the movement in the distance. 

The banners soon followed, waving as a blur of black and gold, blending like a mirage amidst the steel tips of lances and halberds. The sound of neighing echoed throughout the forest, joined by the chorus of armoured hooves as clear to me as the loss of my sanity.

Coppelia turned her attention to me, then clapped her hands together in excitement.

“Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo … is your tiny kingdom being invaded?”