"God put us here, on this carnival ride. We close our eyes never knowing where it'll take us next."
― Carrie Underwood

0

Awai is insistently tapping her cheek with one of his legs, but Ren pays him little mind as she desperately tries to make sense out of what she just saw and talk herself out of the panic attack she can feel coming.

It's not the creature's appearance, of course; it's everything else. All the implications.

The reason why Kana had been so mad at her for wanting to learn Sage Mode. The reason why Inoue and Chiyo aren't happy about it either, but still need her to become one anyway or they will be at the risk of dying.

Or the whole realm will go to hell.

"Why is he still alive?" she asks as she rises to her feet, looking at Inoue, searching for something, anything at all. She grabs the spider demon by the shoulders and shakes her desperately. "Why?!"

"Sit down," Inoue tells her, but it falls on deaf ears, because it's not what Ren wants to hear. Inoue clicks her mandibles in disapproval, though the movement does not hinder the guilt shining in her black eyes. Ren continues standing there, staring at her, barely noticing Chiyo treading back towards the cliff. "Ren, you need to calm down—"

"Tell me," Ren pleads. "Just. Explain it to me. Now. Please."

Inoue takes a deep breath.

"As we have explained, without a summoner, the realm will start to fall apart," she says, carefully unhooking Ren's hands from her shoulders. "The sage is the most important anchor. The most effective one. And even if they fail, even if that happens to them, even when they are rendered incapable of leaving the Falls… they are still a valuable resource. They can still help stabilize the realm. Without their presence as the cornerstones the realm would have likely already been gone by the time you became our summoner. Or damaged beyond repair at the least."

Ren sits down and puts her head into her hands, trying to make sense of it all.

"Then, about the sage mode—I'm assuming that thing is what happens if you fuck up learning it? Right? If I fail, I turn into an abomination, and… what, stay here forever?"

"Yes," Inoue nods. "Failed sages lose all their sense; there is no intelligence left, just an endless drive to hunt and kill. They don't even have any survival instincts. If the nature chakra they are siphoning and processing didn't keep them alive, they would starve to death."

"But—Now, since you have me, surely you can—"

Inoue shakes her head.

"First of all, no offense to you, but you can die at any time, and we would be left alone again. Secondly… If killing them were so easy, we would have killed them before we realized their stabilizing potential."

"What? But don't they not have a survival instinct?"

"While Spider Sages normally don't have any access to healing abilities of the nature chakra, these abominations do," Inoue explains. "They are powerful, highly aggressive, and, with all the nature chakra they can siphon from here, nigh unkillable. Trust me, Ren; if we could have killed them, we would have, but we do not have the necessary firepower. If Chiyo-Kakka stepped in, she would raze the falls to the ground. The same would occur if I or Kana-Choro were to go all out. And even then, there is no guarantee we would succeed. Even with all of that."

"So it's either letting them live or destroying parts of the Falls to maybe kill them?"

"Yes."

Ren ruffles her hair in frustration. The sight of the abomination—of the summoner— had freaked her out, she wasn't going to lie about it. The knowledge that, if she fails, which isn't all that unlikely either, she would become a mindless, potentially unkillable beast is not at all reassuring when learning new abilities.

"For what it is worth… I do not think they are in pain," Inoue says in an awkward attempt at consoling Ren. "In a way, they are already dead. There is no sentience there anymore."

Ren groans unhappily, and looks up at the sky.

It terrifies her, that thing. Not the monster itself, no, even if it is creepy. It's what it represents that had almost sent her spiralling into a panic attack once she understood its implications.

This could be her.

If she fails. If she makes a single misstep in learning sage mode—this would be her.

Losing all reason, all capacity of sentient thought, remaining bound to Jōren Falls for sage-knows-how-long. Leaving everyone behind: Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Hana, Genma, Kisame, Deidara, Kakuzu, Gai, Torune, even Hibiki. Leaving them all without so much as a by-your-leave. No explanation, no nothing. Spiders can't summon themselves to the mainland after all, so unless someone else forges a contract with the spiders and asks, nobody would even know what had happened to her.

And in the face of everything, Danzō, the incoming threat of Orochimaru, the Akatsuki, Madara, Kaguya, Black Zetsu… There is no way Ren could leave them behind to face it alone, even if she knows for a fact that they would prevail.

She is the only family Sasuke and Naruto both have, the only thing keeping them away from the joke that is the Konoha orphanage system.

But if she wants to face all the dangers ahead with them side-by-side, then she really has to get her shit together, and she has to do it right now. The time for running around like an idiot with no purpose is over. Now it's time for Ren to find her limits, and then bulldoze her way past them.

And since she isn't the protagonist of this world, let alone the Chosen One, she has to put in the work and grasp at every straw she could.

"I'm still doing it," she says resolutely, looking up at Inoue. "I know the consequences of failing now, but failing was never an option to begin with. My kids need me. They're going to fight a god, and they're going to need every bit of support they can get. And it's my duty, as their guardian, to be a part of that support."

"The world would be a much better place if all parents think the way you do," Chiyo muses as she reaches the cliff. "Especially in the human world."

"But I'm not a parent," Ren shrugs. "I'm a guardian. I picked my kids myself, promised I'd protect and help them, and I'll be damned if I fail now."

She hops off of Chiyo's back onto the cliffside, and looks at the sun, high up in the sky, her mind made up. She turns back to Chiyo, and smiles.

"Besides, I don't believe in families bound by blood. Had my fair share of bad experiences with those, you know. The only family worth my time is the one I choose for myself."

And she had made her choice a long time ago, she realizes. For the first time, at least, way back when she hadn't understood yet what was happening, but a tiny Sasuke was crying on her lap. She had promised she'd protect him.

Her mother and grandmother felt further than ever now, with that realization. Their shadows loom over her even literal worlds away, and perhaps they always would, but—she'd manage. She doesn't need to prove anything to them.

She needs the power to help those who actually matter to her, and she would have it or she'd die trying.

---

"You want me to use Awai as a what?" Ren asks incredulously after Inoue leads her to a higher section of the waterfall, where the water crashes into a small pond that only later becomes another waterfall. They are surrounded by shrubbery and green grass, and the place really reminds Ren of somewhere she'd been to in her old world.

"An anchor for the Sage Mode," Inoue repeats patiently.

"...Oookay, but why? How the hell did you even come up with this?"

Inoue shrugs as if she isn't certain herself. "Awai came to me asking to learn to become helpful to you. He has been with you the longest, has he not? He worries. And I thought that, since he is a normal spider from the mainland who spent so long with you, he actually became attuned to your Chakra, that perhaps we could make use of it somehow."

"And you managed?" Ren asks curiously.

"I… Yes, I do believe that we have managed… well, something, at the very least. I had Awai basking at the core of Jōren Falls, right by its core, devouring the natural chakra exuded by the realm."

"Wait, is this what he's been doing?" Ren asks, looking at the pale huntsman spider. He taps his forelegs together at that, as if applauding her.

"Yes," Inoue says. "As for how it will work, well. As I said, he has become so attuned to your chakra, he is, in a way, an extension of it now. So, by having him attuned to nature chakra, and by him being a spider, he might be able to stabilize your usage of the nature chakra, limiting the risk of you… You know."

"Turning into a mindless, semi-immortal abomination driven only by its instinct to kill?"

"Yes," Inoue says with a sour face.

Ren hums, picking Awai up in her hands. He seems different, somehow. Still the same spider, of course, she'd recognize him anywhere, but he's… Well, he seems bigger, for one. Probably not noticeable to anyone but Ren, who has handled him for years and knows his exact dimensions by heart, but he's definitely different.

"He's… bigger?" Ren relays her observation to Inoue, and the Jorōgumo blinks.

"Well, there are bound to be side effects," she answers. "He is, in a way, becoming a bastardized version of a summon. That comes with an increase in size, power, and intelligence."

"Oh. Well, at least it's nothing terrible."

"No, spiders are the one thing to which the chakra of Jōren is completely harmless. It's everything else that has to worry."

"But…" Ren says. "You said summons can't leave Jōren. And Awai-"

"A bastardized version is not the thing itself," Inoue says, waving her hand. "He is not becoming an actual summon, worry you not. Now, knowing that, I would like you to return to your quarters now. With Awai. For now, try establishing a connection with him. A chakra-based one, that is. I doubt it will be difficult as he has been your companion for years. Tomorrow, we will start to actually teach you how to harness nature chakra."

"Alright!"

"And remember, do not hurry with it. We have time."

"Just a few years."

"Which is why we will not expect you to master this art within a week, or a month. We have time."

"Alright, alright."

---

Ren gets back to her cave in no time, though by then, with everything that has happened, it's already fairly late in the day. So she focuses on Awai, like Inoue had instructed her to, but still has enough focus left to make herself something to eat.

It's a familiar presence, when she narrows it down, past herself, past the summons, past the overwhelming everything-ness of the forest around her.

And yet, it's somehow different. Harder to spot than usual, not as standalone from the nature around her as before. It's exactly as Inoue said. Awai is now attuned to the nature chakra, at least more than before, and decidedly more than Ren.

Maybe he'll be able to serve as a bridge between Ren's consciousness and the chakra? Or an anchor keeping her there? She doesn't know for sure, and tomorrow will answer that question anyway.

Though, Ren must admit, while seeing Ikeda Shoichi in his changed form had really messed her up—because that could be her—having Awai by her side, seemingly able to help, is a great booster, even if it's only mentally. Because it makes Ren feel like monsterization is no longer a certainty, like Shoichi's appearance had made her feel, and she supposes that the psychological factors of learning that technique might also be able to affect her.

After all, if one is convinced they're doomed to fail, they will.

Ren isn't, it is a possibility she is ready to fight tooth and nail against, but an additional reassurance still goes a long way.

And as she's focused on Awai, her food, and her thoughts, Ren barely notices another presence approach her cave. It's a somewhat familiar presence, as she had chanced upon it once before in Jōren, but it still stands out as neither spider, nor summon, nor nature.

It's human. But it also isn't, intermixed with something else swirling about.

It used to be human, perhaps. Now that Ren's understanding of chakra is better, she can feel it and make sense of it.

She turns around and, sure enough—the mystery person of Jōren Falls is standing at the entrance of her cave, black cloak around him and a staff in his hand. He's fidgeting with the hem of his cloak, which is kinda endearing, and he visibly hesitates when Ren notices him.

"I have food if you want?" Ren offers, as if she's shaking a bag of treats at a stray dog. "I can't imagine spiders being great cooks, no offense to them."

The mystery person chuckles and shakes his head.

"I just wanted to see you," he says, and Ren thinks she's heard this voice before. It's a nagging sensation that makes Ren turn her full attention to the man. "I, uh, sorry for startling you a few days ago."

"It's fine," Ren waves her hand. "Let me guess, you wanted to meet me then but realized I was asleep and felt stupid about it."

The embarrassed chuckle he lets out is the only confirmation she needs.

"The spiders also didn't really tell me who you were until a little while back, so," he says and shrugs. "I kinda wanted to meet you right after I heard."

"Oh?"

"Because you're an Uchiha, right?"

Ren blinks, and tenses involuntarily. The man raises his hands in front of himself in a soothing gesture.

"No, no, I—It's not like that."

"Like what?"

"I don't mean to harm you because of your surname," he says. "I was just… curious."

"About what?"

"Well… the situation, I guess? All the things that happened… I've been here for a while, recovering, and— well. Anyway. Maybe if I just take off my hood and make it easier—"

And so he does, and Ren lets out a startled gasp as the fabric falls around him. She doesn't even realize she's getting to her feet until she's already standing, because—

There's a blindfold covering his eyes, an important recognizable feature, but even then—the shape of that face, that specific hairstyle, the way he carries himself. She knows it. All of it.

She knows this man.

She knows him, and he should be dead.

"Uh, surprise?" Uchiha Shisui says awkwardly.