The sound of my teeth chattering in tandem with the visible shivering of my curled up form, even in the warmth of my new burrow made it very clear how cold it was. I had stopped venturing as much as I had during the autumn season and decided to play it safe for winter. I had made four new burrows since my initial one months ago. In order to maximise my chances of finding a ‘portal’, I had adopted a nomadic lifestyle. This had its advantages, such as alleviating my constant boredom by exploring new places, and increasing the odds of stumbling upon a ‘portal’. It also had staggering disadvantages, including the previously mentioned need to constantly dig burrows, the increase in energy consumption, and the biggest downside of all: Being completely and utterly lost. As I lay in my fifth burrow, I reminisced over the last few months. It’s hard to believe that I managed to traverse so far in just three months, but how the hell is this forest still going? In all my months of travel, not once had I seen an end to the forest. I had begun to suspect that the ‘portal’ that changed me may have done more than just that.

At this point I had fully adapted to my new form. It felt as natural as my old one, yet this fact did not deter me from seeking to return to becoming human. Every time I went to sleep I was plagued with memories and thoughts of my family, friends, hobbies, hell even eating normal food again would be enough. Despite the negative nature of these thoughts, I was grateful for them; they kept me driven and sane. Having a clear goal in mind was the fundamental explanation for my refusal to give up and die. I’ll admit, this is really taking a toll on me. The amount of times suicide has crossed my mind is worrying. I sucked in a deep breath and clenched my jaws. Happy thoughts: imagine a juicy vole running straight your mouth. That was another thing I was becoming painfully aware of; my preferences had slowly become more aligned with my instincts and body. At first I had been worried that I was losing myself but I realised that it was no different from hating beer as a child but enjoying it as an adult because your tastes have changed (at least that’s the reasoning I’m going to use to justify it).

Having preferences that aligned more with my body definitely made my life feel easier. It certainly eliminated the struggle of forcing myself to eat things I would have previously been disgusted by. Even so, my food situation has been slowly getting worse. I had moved to hunting and travelling during the day since it was warmer during that time as opposed to my usual nocturnal lifestyle. It made hunting harder but I figured it was worth the extra comfort it provided. Three months like this… I wonder how much longer it will be until I can finally make some progress towards my goal, I’ve kind of just been wandering aimlessly. My thoughts began to slow as I drifted off into a shallow sleep.

The sounds of the forest did not greet me upon my awakening as they usually did. It would seem that it snowed overnight. The snow had dulled the usual activities of the forest’s inhabitants and muffled whatever small sounds they were making. It really is a sight to behold, the way the light bounces off the snow-laden trees makes this unassuming part of the forest seem otherworldly. I once again began to move, further away from the cliff I began my journey at. Whilst moving I became lost in thought, a few times I toyed with the notion that I might not be on earth anymore; the unnatural size of the forest was too large to be the same one adjacent to my town. Additionally, the only other animals I had seen were ones that I could eat, even the birds that I occasionally saw flying overhead landed occasionally just to be caught by yours truly. It seemed as though I was in a massive vivarium, dedicated only to me. I was not absolutely certain of this but my reasoning made sense to me. Of course, I could be completely delusional and using this theory as a glimmer of hope, but I haven’t even seen another fox out here so I’m at a complete loss.

As I continued walking along, day after day, the snow slowly got deeper, the nights slowly got colder, and my mind slowly grew wearier. I began taking breaks more frequently and the vigour I once had was slowly leaving me. Despite what movies make you believe, it is staggeringly difficult to stay motivated over a long period of time. I lost motivation weeks ago, discipline is what is fuelling me now. I remember having the same thing happen when I first started working out. My friend told me that motivation would only get you so far. I just need to remain disciplined. I often felt overwhelmingly lonely. One day I spent hours talking out loud just to break up the silence. I had sung my favourite song to myself over and over again, my singing was actually quite good if I don’t say so myself. If someone was watching me that day I would surely die of embarrassment because obviously the lyrics I sang were just a muddle of excited sounding fox noises. I did whatever I could to pass the time and keep my sanity whilst on my journey through the forest. Despite my efforts, I could feel myself slipping. My waking thoughts were riddled with suicidal ideation, anger, despair, but I kept on moving. My body began to walk and act entirely on instinct as I became lost in my mind; I was able to not succumb to the negativity as long as I remained disciplined. That was my thought process whilst I continued for an unknown amount of time on autopilot.

Remain disciplined Erin. Remain Disciplined. You don’t want to die, Erin. You’re a happy fox, Erin. You just love being all alone, don’t you, Erin?

My waking thoughts were riddled with positivity, joy, hope, but I wanted to go to sleep . My body felt happy, so very happy, I love it so much. I enjoyed succumbing to the joy as long I remained happy. That was my thought process at the time.

Remain disciplined Erin. This is not you. Keep it together, Erin. You are not happy, you are alone, miserable, and tired of this shitty existence, but that’s what is keeping you human. Do not submit to your desires Erin, remain disciplined.

As the days and weeks merged together, I struggled more and more to keep sane. There was only so much a human mind can endure. Being trapped in a foreign body, not even of the same species, completely alone, can drastically affect the mind of person.

My sleeping thoughts are consumed by positivity, joy, hope, positivity, positivity, despair, happy, I am so very happy, I love being a happy fox all of the time. I need to sleep. I enjoyed submitting to the happy. All of the time.

This is not you, Erin. Remain disciplined. This is not you, Erin. Remain happy. This is you, fox. Remain happy.

“You’ve done well, little fox.”