The dark presence inside of me has been growing quickly, like a hideous vine that is about to swallow me whole. I worry that soon I won't be able to stave off its sneaky influence and would give in to deeds that will haunt me forever. It's tempting to give in to the rash impulses that have been bugging me, but I know in my heart that doing so will lead to my demise. I'm plagued by ideas that won't stop, like a never-ending storm that won't let up. They consume my thoughts and make me feel as though I'm trapped in a pitch-black abyss that eats everything in its path.
The mounting anxiousness never goes away, not even when something good happens in my life. It follows me everywhere I go, like a shadow, and is always there. I make an effort to ignore it and focus on the good, but it always manages to find a way back to me, stronger and more dangerous than before. Despite my best attempts, I am still caught in its grip and unable to escape the downward spiral of hopelessness and despair.
I've recently discovered that I can't get out of bed because it feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on me. The misery and horror I experience are like needles pricking my skin, bringing to mind my weakness and gullibility. It serves as a stinging reminder that I'm not in charge and that the darkness inside of me has taken over and is sundering me.
It seems as though my suffering has come to stay with me, haunting me nonstop. I'm hesitant to confide in my pals because I don't think they could really understand how hopeless I am. Like a siren's lure, the desire to disappear from their life tempts me with the promise of freedom. I am aware, however, that doing so would be viewed as self-centered and would invite their criticism and censure.
In contrast to my pals, who have their lives planned out, I am lost in an ocean of uncertainty. Not that I lack direction, but rather that I struggle to see my own future. The threat of death is ever-present, following me everywhere I go like an ominous cloud. Maybe it's a form of atonement for my previous wrongdoings, a price I must pay in this life and the next.
I long for the fire of passion that once radiated from within me, but it seems as though all of life's hues have turned to a dull gray. My former sense of delight has evaporated, leaving just a hollow shell in its place. In addition to the unstoppable march towards nothingness, I yearn for a sense of direction and a reason to live.
Like a moth lured to a flame, I have turned to narcotics in my effort to escape my intolerable emotions. But their temporary solace makes me much more exposed than before. The floodgates of emotion had opened wide after only two days of abstinence, like a thousand needles piercing my flesh. I am in danger of being completely consumed by the bottomless pit of sadness inside of me, leaving nothing but a lifeless shell.
I worry about getting professional help because I picture myself being locked away in a mental hospital like a bird in a cage, never to be freed. My inner abyss serves as a constant reminder that I am not like other people and that my thoughts are twisted and evil. Who aspires to wrist-slit themselves till their blood runs out or hang from a noose? No one besides me. These gruesome images dominate me and serve as a continual reminder that I am different from others.
I can't tell anyone about my feelings for fear of being viewed as a monster. They act like a weight that draws me down till I am scarcely able to breathe. Like a candle that is about to go out, I long for an end to this misery. But despite my best efforts to put out the flame inside of me, it persists.
I dare not insult any greater power since I am happy to be alive, despite my miserable circumstances. They did not bring me here; rather, I was brought here by the vengeful hand of fate. Maybe my past sins will send me to hell for all of eternity. Like me, those who think about ending their lives will undoubtedly face the consequences of their actions.
The noose draws me in with its alluring song like a seductive siren, drawing me ever-closer to my death. Its song is eerie and lovely, promising to lessen my sorrow and transport me outside of this world. I can't help but respond to its seductive pull.
It's alluring to consider disappearing into nothingness since it offers tranquility and peace of mind, much like a cold, dark abyss. Maybe drinking and using drugs to drown my grief would push me over the edge and end my suffering.
But I know in my heart that killing myself is not the solution. Like a ripple in a pond that spreads far and wide, it would only cause additional agony and pain for those I leave behind. I must therefore gather the courage to press on, to put up with life's challenges, and to find purpose in the battle.
Perhaps it is destiny that I embrace death. It beckons to me with a gentle voice, like a lover calling to their beloved. I am not like other mortals, who fear death as an inevitable end. Rather, I am at peace with it, like a calm sea awaiting a ship. This state of tranquility has spread through me, robbing me of the joys of life that I once knew. The darkness within me has rendered everything tasteless, including the drugs I once relied on. My emotions are but a distant memory, replaced only by a sense of despair that threatens to consume me entirely. It's like a persistent weight, pushing me ever closer to the edge.
Maybe accepting death is in my future. It calls out to me softly, like a lover calling their beloved. I do not fear death as an unavoidable conclusion like other people do. Instead, I am at peace with it, like a ship resting in a calm sea. The peace that now permeates me has robbed me of the delights of life that I previously knew. Everything, including the narcotics I once depended on, has lost its flavor due to the darkness inside of me. All that is left of my feelings is a sensation of hopelessness that threatens to engulf me completely. It feels like a heavy weight that keeps pulling me in that direction.
I sincerely apologize to anyone who may be saddened by my demise, even though I can't imagine anyone missing me. Unfortunately, I am the fool that selected this route without knowing where it would take me. Nevertheless, looking back, I see that there was no other route that could have brought me the same sense of fulfillment that Death gives. Her embrace seems like a warm blanket that provides solace and a break from the harsh realities of life. My dear friend, I wish that one day you will find it in your heart to pardon my self-centeredness.
