The months continued to fly on by. I got along well in my studies. Priscilla told me I was a quick learner, but it was still relatively difficult to read large quantities of text at once, and my handwriting was still slow, unsure, and shaky. I learned a fair bit about world history, nature, mana, technology, and science and such. But none of it really made much sense to me. Mana was especially difficult to wrap my head around. I understood it in layman’s terms, but once you got into the nitty gritty, my brain shut off. There was all this complex stuff about linking and communication and breathing and the precise artistry of the arcane circles, and how mages are imagining the circles in their mind as they cast spells. I didn’t get it. They had to learn all this stuff and perform all these circle-based rituals to utilise mana. I didn’t exactly know how I manipulated it, I guess I just sort of take it and use it how I want it? It was as easy to me as breathing, but I didn’t exactly know how the respiratory system worked either.

 

It was interesting though, and I was still learning stuff. There was lots of war in Terrestia’s history, but also lots of culture. I picked up on scientific concepts too, chemistry and biology seemed to be pretty heavily related, and I was so interested in how brain chemistry and hormones seemed to have such a huge effect on one’s emotional and even physical state. These tiny little imperceptible little dodads had such a huge effect on everything!

 

Naturally, I was far from being an expert on any of this stuff. But I could contextualise most things in my head now, and I definitely felt more educated on the world around me. I had no idea this planet was so small, yet so big, and so densely packed with detail and complexity…

 

It was as the months began to get colder that I began writing a poem for Ayano, both to practise writing, and to express my love and gratitude towards her. She had been a bit busy lately, and she hadn’t had much time to spend with me. When she did have time, she didn’t always want to have sex, which was fine. It had been about a week since we last did it, but I was happy to wait. We still loved each other, we didn’t need to re-affirm that all the time, and, hell, after several months of intensity where we were doing something sexual nearly every day, it was actually kind of nice to be having a break. At least… I thought it was. In any case, responsibilities were piling on me as the residents of the manor grew to trust and rely on me. Combine that with my studies with Priscilla, and I was exhausted most evenings. It was getting cold, too, and the chill air had a way of sapping the energy from me, almost as though it was my natural instinct to curl up and hibernate. I was still very thankful to not be curled up on the freezing cold floor of my cage, though. I appreciated blankets and warm pillows and warm pyjamas so much! As a Monstra, whilst I was normally very resistant to temperature, I think my blood had thinned out a lot over time, and that was causing some of my passive benefits to weaken, which was why I was feeling the cold. I actively tried to avoid using my powers whenever I could unless it was small and convenient. Having full control over my body was great for sex after all! But other than that, I was beginning to realise that the more I treated myself like a human, the more human I was actually becoming. I was starting to have real dreams and my reactions to stress were calmer. My thoughts were positive and… Overall, I was just… Happy!

 

I had taken to studying by myself anytime I was on break and someone didn’t want my attention. I was trying to read through some of the fiction books. I was interested in romance novels in particular, but it took me about 20 minutes just to read through one page. Even then, I often found myself re-reading the page just to make sure I had comprehended it correctly. Many stories were so heavy on description that, often, I was simply doing all I could to simply picture the scene, which distracted heavily from interpreting what was even happening, which was far, far away from me being emotionally affected by the work, which was even further away from me interpreting and forming an informed opinion on the book. After seeing a movie for the first time with Ayano in Belfort, I couldn’t help but feel that books were inferior to movies, largely because it seemed as though film makers could craft images that were far more spectacular than anything my brain could dream up. Which not only made those images prettier, but it also lifted a lot of the cognitive load from me. Still, the manor didn’t have a theatre, so if I wanted to indulge in art, I could either stare at the same paintings I’m always looking at whenever I clean, or I could read a book. Besides, reading books made me more cultured, or at least, that’s my impression. They’re likely considered to be more cultured probably because it takes more effort to appreciate them.

 

I was a few pages into a book that I’m fairly sure was about a female knight who was on a quest to save her sister from the Monstra. It was explicitly romantic and pretty lewd, even early on. I didn’t exactly like incest, but hey, it was an exciting read nonetheless. Most importantly, it was gay, so I wanted to see where it was going. Also, I was kinda sorta the villain in this book? The Monstra wasn’t really me, I just shared its blood, but it was interesting to see how culture depicted the Monstra.

 

As I was beginning to get frustrated with the book, it was then that I felt a tap on my shoulder. I must have been pretty inside my own head, because I flinched in response to the touch. I turned my head around to see Beth, of all people, and for once she wasn’t scowling at me. Although actually, it had been a little while since she had last scowled at me I think. I still just thought of her as the grumpy scowly girl because of first impressions.

 

“O-Oh, Beth, hi, you made me jump! Is there anything you need?” I asked.

 

“No, nothing in particular, but… You wouldn’t happen to be reading Heroic Sisters, would you?”

 

“O-Oh, yeah…” I muttered, using a bookmark to save my place before closing the book and showing her the cover, “It had nice cover art, so I decided to try and read it. The two sisters are drawn really pretty, but they make the Monstra look really scary as well, so, that mixture of beauty and terror kind of drew me in I guess…”

 

“Are you enjoying it?”

 

“Well… Kinda, but, honestly, I’m still learning to read. You know that Priscilla has been tutoring me, right? I’m just trying to practise in my own time, but I'm not even at a beginners level yet, really…”

 

“I seee… Hmm…”

Beth seemed to be pondering something for a moment, then a sly smile crossed her face, she put her hands on her hips as she addressed me.

 

“Well, I was interested because, well, that happens to be my favourite book, but… Not a lot of other people here read. And if they do, they’re usually reading some non fiction or a thriller book or something… I’ve really really wanted someone to talk about Heroic Sisters with…”

 

“Yeah. Okay, I get that,” I replied, surprised to see the usually haughty maid with so much enthusiasm.

 

Well, even when talking about a book she likes, she still seemed a bit prideful, I supposed.

 

“There’s this really good part where the Monstra decides to fake being Sam’s sister- It takes on Hayley’s appearance, mimics her personality and everything. And it’s really interesting because Sam ends up liking the *Monstra* version of her sister more than Hayley herself! It’s really tense, because you begin to think that the Monstra might take Hayley’s place in Sam's heart, and the sister has to watch the whole time as the heroine is seduced. It really speaks to the dangers of placing too much value on fiction over fact- Of course, that’s a pretty high level reading… But that’s why you’ve got someone as smart as me to help you navigate it!”

 

“... Oh, um…” Jeez, okay, this girl was definitely a lot… “I hadn’t gotten very far yet, so… Was ‘Sam’ the Heroine’s name? It was such a long name that I skipped over it… But it’s just ‘Sam’?”

“Samantha! I call her Sam for short. Anyway anyway, hand the book to me, I’ll read it to you!”

Beth pulled out a chair and sat next to me, sliding the book over in front of her before I had a chance to give it to her. She was already starting to feel like a handful… Was this how Ayano felt, dealing with my enthusiasm all the time?

“Reading it out to me would help, yeah… But, um, it’s meant to be for practice so… Is it okay if I can see the words so that I can try to read it alongside you? And can we read it from the beginning? I want to make sure I read the words properly and have a correct understanding of the plot…”

 

“Oh, yeah, sure. Scooch up, I guess.”

So I did. We were very close, shoulder to shoulder, heads close as we each peered down to look at the page. As she began to read, I occasionally glanced at her, and she seemed to be blushing a bit. Was it reading her favourite book that was getting her flustered? Or was it because she was close to me?

 

Probably not. Only Ayano was kind enough to like scum like me. I was sure that even Priscilla was just pitying me all that time ago in the bath, when she told me that she could be a special someone for me if Ayano left me for some reason. She didn’t understand that Ayano was irreplaceable.

 

Still, from that day onward, me and Beth would often take a blanket and a lantern and sneak into the library after closing time on days when I wasn’t being tutored. We indulged in quite a few romance novels after finishing Heroic Sisters. Priscilla gave me the key to the library because I told her that I was studying in my own time and that Beth was helping me, which was basically true. Having her warmth next to me was nice on nights where I didn’t get to see Ayano. Still, when Beth’s voice flowed into my ears, my mind couldn’t help but wander elsewhere.

 

~~~

 

“You know your way around Jishian cooking, but when it comes to pasta, you’re still not great. This spaghetti came out overcooked and the sauce is greasy. You didn’t emulsify it properly, did you? It’s very precise. Let’s go over the steps again.”

 

Even though I was still getting much better at cooking, Hugo would still rant at me like this every now and then. It made sense, there was always room for improvement, and even though I learned quickly and seemed to enjoy and understand cooking better than most things, I was still basically just a beginner. Still, it was a little deflating. My plate of spaghetti looked fine to me.

 

Wait, no it didn’t. Glancing at it for more than a second, it looked soggy and oily. It looked like garbage, just as he had said. I hate it when he’s right, and he always is.

“You know the drill. Eat it.”

 

“Yeah yeah, okay… I will in a bit. Not hungry right now.”

He always asked me to ‘eat my mistakes’ as it were, but I don’t know why I had to eat something so disgusting, even if it was my fault that it turned out that way.

“Listen, Lilly… I know you’ve been chucking this food out for a while. In fact, I know you’ve never once eaten one of your failed attempts. I check the bins. I didn’t want to broach the topic because it’s not *that* big of a deal in the end, but…”

“But what?”

“Well, I trust you more now, so I’ll explain my concern. Because at first, I thought you weren’t serious, but I began to realise that you’re capable and willing to improve as a cook. Listen, I get it, being a cook can be hard, especially if you’re cooking for someone else. It’s even harder when you’re cooking for strangers, harder still when you’re cooking for the nobility, and then, cooking for the crown princess herself? It’s an absurd pressure. I understand all too well the need to be absolutely perfect, each and every time. When you serve someone a meal, it has to be exactly as they expect it to be. There can be no room for mistakes, so… I can see the temptation to pretend that your mistakes don’t exist. Even if it’s just a practice dish.”

 

“... It just doesn’t look good. I can see how I need to improve just by looking at it. I just cook stuff that I know I can make whenever I’m cooking for Lady Ayano. Tasting my failures doesn’t seem useful.”

“... I hope you realise that I’m talking about more than just cooking at this point, Lilly. This is about life.”

 

“... Huh?”

 

He grumbled and placed both of his palms to his face, rubbing and massaging his face as he tried to come up with an appropriate response. I had never seen him struggle to come up with words before.

 

“... You can’t improve as a cook, and more importantly, improve as a person, if you don’t accept your own failures. Yes, a failed meal is nasty. But it’s still edible. It’s not that bad. And it’s important you fully understand the consequences of your failures first hand. Because your failures are nothing to be ashamed of, they’re… Listen, mistakes are there to help you grow. Mistakes are good. Mistakes are the beating heart of life. That’s why you need to accept them.”

 

“... I thought you were just a chef, not my philosophy teacher.”

 

“... Sorry to just come out with all that, Lilly. I’ve been thinking about it for… Well, it’s a lesson my own teacher drilled into me. It’s what I live by. I wanted to teach it to you, too. If you’re going to be a chef, that’s a way of life. And every way of life has its own philosophy behind it.”

 

“... I see… Oh! Sorry Hugo, Ayano is calling me. Gotta go! Sorry to cut the conversation short, okay!”

I was lying. Only I could hear the handmaiden’s bell, so I could lie about it and nobody but Ayano herself could call me out. I hung up my apron and hurried out of the kitchen, and I avoided Hugo for the rest of the day.

 

I can’t exactly accept the types of mistakes that I’ve made in life. Must be nice to not be a monster. 

 

~~~

 

I was a seed meant to wither in the darkness,

No sunlight, no love,

I am tainted,

My nectar is venom,

My thorns are sharp,

I am poison,

And I want everything.

 

But it’s different now,

You planted me in your soil,

Stung by my poison,

You nourished me,

Watered my parched throat,

Let me feel that warm glow,

You expected little,

Despite sacrificing much,

You did what you shouldn’t have done,

And saved this tainted, withered me.

 

Now I know that I am a seed meant to bloom in the light,

I want to return everything twice over,

I am pure,

My nectar is sugar,

My thorns protect you,

I am love,

I want only you.

 

Ayano, you are my eternity

I love you I love you I love you,

I can write because of you,

It’s awesome!

Not even the universe can split us apart!

My everything belongs to you!

<3

 

Finally, in the deepest depths of winter, I finished my poem. It had taken a lot out of me, it being my first real piece of creative writing. I think it started off well, but, was it too much at the end there?

 

Nah, of course not, if anything it didn’t convey the full extent of my feelings enough!

 

I had been writing it in the library, a rare day where I was with neither Priscilla nor Beth. I had a blanket, and the warm, flickering flame of a lantern kept me comfortable. It was past midnight, and since I was so close to finishing it, I had decided to spend a little extra time to get it done. My handwriting was slow and I wanted to make sure every word was spelt correctly and conveyed my feelings properly. So it was that, as soon as I put down my pen, I laid my head down on the table and fell asleep.

 

I awoke to the sound of the handmaiden’s bell. It was a cold morning, frost forming on the windows, the flame of my lantern had long since gone out and it was completely freezing. Seeing the poem in front of me, I quickly snatched it up and headed in the direction of the bell… Ayano seemed to be outside? I saw her out of the window as I headed out through the lobby. She was with several bodyguards, and some maids were helping her carry luggage into her private limo. I rubbed my eyes and yawned as I cautiously stepped outside into the chill air of this winter morning. I could warm myself by heating my blood, but I still wanted to avoid using my powers if possible. I wanted to distance myself from them as much as I could now.

 

“Heya Ayano…”

 

I placed my hand to my mouth and yawned as I mumbled out a greeting. Ayano turned to look at me, and walked up the steps to greet me. We were standing just out of earshot of the others outside with us.

 

“There you are. Listen, Lilly, I don’t have much time. Late last night I received an emergency summons from the Queen. It seems my mother wants to meet with me. I’ll be gone from the manor for about a week.”

 

“Oh… Gotcha. Want me to come with?”

 

“... I think you’re better off focusing on your studies here. Besides, it’s not like we’d have much time to spend time with each other anyway.”

 

“Fair enough. I think it would be cool to see the capital and meet the Queen and stuff, but that makes sense… It’s all just gonna be stuffy nobles anyway.”

 

“The stuffiest nobles!”

 

“Mmm. Oh, before I forget, I was up last night writing this. I’ve… Actually been working on it for a while. Priscilla told me I should practise my writing, so I thought I’d try writing you a poem… Sorry that it’s… Amateur.”

 

I handed the paper to Ayano, who gently took it from me.

 

“That’s very kind of you, Lilly! And… I can really see that your handwriting has been coming along. Let’s head indoors, I’ll give it a quick read… But I need to be gone in about ten minutes.”

 

“Gotcha.”

 

I followed Ayano inside and we sat in the guest area, a room with comfortable seating where visiting nobles would be served tea and snacks to entertain them before the party or the audience with the crown prince or princess. It was directly next to the lobby entrance and it was empty currently, so it made sense. Ayano looked over the poem, nodding her head along. When she finished, I expected her to smile, or laugh at how silly it was, or praise me again for putting in the effort. Instead, she had an apologetic, almost pained look on her face.

 

“... There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for… A fair while, Lilly.”

 

“Oh? Something to do with the poem?”

 

“N-No, not really. It’s a nice poem. I like it. If you’re this good already, I’m sure you could get even better. And it’s my first time seeing your handwriting. It’s already splendid. Simple and precise, none of the excessively cursive lines I’m used to seeing. No this is… About us.”

 

“Okay. I’m listening.”

 

“... So, as I’ve said, it’s been on my mind for a while. But with my mother summoning me now, I can’t help but think that… Listen, Lilly, she’s old. She’s bedridden, and… She could die of natural causes any day now.”

 

“... So you think she may be summoning you to discuss her death with you.”

 

“Mmm. That’s right. If that happens, I’ll… Become Queen, it’ll be effective more or less immediately. As it is, I already run a lot of the country for her, but… In addition to all the work I already do, there will be extra responsibilities… I’ll be living in the capital, and… I’ll be expected to entertain not only the domestic guests who already visit me, but foreign guests as well. The events I put on will have more ceremony to it, more planning, more extravagance. And I’ll be expected to put them on more often. I’ll be an untouchable entity. If I am to have a lover, they’ll be discovered immediately. We wouldn’t be able to keep our relationship an open secret the way we currently do. The public, the nobility, the rest of my family, they… They wouldn’t accept me having a woman for a lover. Let alone the fact that you’re a commoner and a Monstra. So I’d need a noble man, preferably royalty. Someone they could call King, someone with whom I could produce an heir, even though… Well, man or woman, I’m incapable of producing an heir.”

 

“I see.”

 

Ayano sighed deeply. I could see the pain on her face, I could see how she tried to avoid looking at me. Her words washed over me. All I could see was a woman who was afraid to get close. I placed a hand on her cheek, turning her face so that she could look at me. Then I took her hands into mine, using my thumb to stroke her skin.

 

“We’re probably not going to work out, Lilly. For as long as I’m still a Princess, we can be together, but… I don’t want you to get your hopes up, and… I’ve learned a lot about who you are and what you want… And I just think… Maybe, even before I become Queen, maybe… Maybe we should…”

 

“Ayano… Those words, that… Art I produced for you. They… Didn’t just come from nowhere. They’re my words. They’re words that I spent many long nights thinking about. My genuine feelings. Maybe it’s unsophisticated, but… The way I write, the way I feel things, it’s… Very strong, very clear, and very direct. I love you. And I don’t care about social norms. I don’t care if you’re Queen. I don’t care if we might have less time together in the future, or even no time at all, I… I will follow you to the capital. I will continue serving you, and, secretly, I will continue loving you in my heart as your lover. And… Given that I’m a Monstra, I’m sure you can justify giving me special attention… I’ll fight any wars, I’ll go to Grisia all by myself if I have to, battle against impossible odds, and I’ll win anyway, because… Because I have you at the end of that battle, and those Monstra will have nothing because they love nothing. That’s why I’ll beat them every time.”

 

“You’re so much more to me than just a tool, Lilly… I don’t… Want to take advantage of your power, or your love. But as Queen, I… Wouldn’t be able to show you the love you’d need. I’d have to think of the nation, the bigger picture. I’d frequently be forced to make the choice to sacrifice your wellbeing for the greater good. I brought you here because I thought you would be helpful against the Monstra, yes… But after getting to know you I… I know that… I can’t… I… I just can’t…”

 

“To serve you is what I want. Because of that, it’s impossible for you to take advantage of me. I know you, Ayano. And even though you don’t trust yourself, I… I know you’re someone who will make the best choices. For me, yourself, and the nation. You’re a thoughtful person like that.”

 

“... I’m really not…”

 

“Ayano… Is this… About…”

 

I trailed off. This subject hadn’t been broached since she first opened up to me about it, and I didn’t want to open up old wounds with my assumptions.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“... This is about Julia, isn’t it… That’s what it’s always really been about.”

 

“... So what if it is?”

 

I brought Ayano into an embrace at this point, pulling her in close, rubbing her back. Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I think they were in hers too.

 

“Listen Ayano, you’re not the same-”

 

“Lady Ayano! It’s really time for us to get going!” Shouted someone who I presumed was a bodyguard from the lobby.

 

Ayano quickly pulled away and wiped her eyes, standing up.

 

“I’m really really sorry to cut this short… I had to bring this up at such a terrible time… We’ll talk about this more when I get back.”

 

“... Okay. Just know that I will always love you. Nothing will tear us apart. Ever. We’ll find a solution and work through this.”

 

“... Just… Don’t get your hopes up too high, Lilly…”

 

With that, she left me alone in the cold, empty guest room. It suddenly felt so vast with her gone from it. The warmth of her touch was rapidly stolen away from me by the winter air. I yawned, emotions spinning and swimming around inside me in quiet turmoil as I looked out the window and watched her limo drive away.

 

I sneezed. I needed a hot bath and some proper sleep.