I was in bed, laying next to Ayano. The sunlight was peeking in through the curtains. I wasn’t lying in her bed, though, nor mine. We weren’t in the manor at all. No… This felt like a bed that was ours. In a house that was ours. I smiled at my sleeping love, and got up to open the window, to see the town of Belfort stretched out before me. The smell of cakes filled my nose. I could practically taste it on the tip of my tongue. I smiled, and left the room. I headed downstairs. The ground floor was a shop, but it still felt like home.

 

It was a cafe. Booths were laid out for people to sit at wooden tables, polished to a mirror shine, and cushions and pillows decorated with pictures of stars, moons, and flowers rested on each of the booth’s seats. A kitchen was off to the left side of the room, and it was there that I would begin making breakfast, heating a pan atop a fire, frying eggs and sliced garlic in butter, and serving it on sliced bread freshly made by the local bakers. I topped it off with fresh chives and served it on one of the tables. As if awoken by the heavenly smell, Ayano came down the stairs. At her feet, just in front of her, was our daughter, a cute young little troublemaker with silver hair.

 

“It’ll be time to open up soon,” Said Ayano.

 

I had been staring into her eyes lovingly and cuddling up to our daughter as we ate, and upon hearing those words, I happily walked over to the door to flip the sign to ‘open’. As soon as I did, there was someone who came in the door, as if she had been waiting for this exact moment.

 

It was Priscilla.

 

She took a seat at our booth, where Ayano and my daughter were sitting.

 

“... Is there anything you wish to order, mam?” I asked.

 

“I want to order you, Lilly.”

 

And with that, another Priscilla came in through the door. And another. I saw her face pressed up against each of the windows. I realised my daughter had Priscilla’s face.

 

“... You betrayed me, Lilly. I don’t think this is going to work out,” I heard Ayano say, and before I knew it, she was gone.

 

My eyes slowly fluttered open. That was a weird dream. Vaguely unpleasant, but easy to interpret at least. I forced myself to climb out of bed and have a shower.

The dreams were getting more vivid… What was happening to me?

 

~~~

 

The days that passed after having sex with Priscilla were tense, to say the least. She had caught my flu it seemed, so I didn’t have to interact with her thankfully, but even when I did see her it seemed that she wanted to talk to me as little as I wanted to talk to her. Good. She should feel guilty.

 

I had always viewed Priscilla as being better than this. She had always been supportive, but I couldn’t have ever assumed that she was *that* into me, not even after that night in the bath. I felt nothing but disdain towards a woman who seemed to be actively hoping for my relationship with Ayano to fail, or… What, did she want both of us? Did she want to insert herself into our love life? I had no idea. Her actions made no sense to me.

 

My actions, however, did make sense to me, and I hated myself for it. I was missing connection, I was missing the pleasure that came with sex, I was anxious about the status of my relationship with Ayano, and I foolishly believed that Priscilla had my best interests at heart. So I gave in. When Priscilla finally coaxed me to use my Monstra blood to cure my flu, I lost control. Thankfully not enough to kill her, but enough to give into her demands to grow a dick and get rough. Words cannot express how violating and wrong it felt to have a dick for genitalia. It felt wrong on so many levels. I was used to changing my body in strange ways, but… That act fell right into some kind of weird, unsettling middle ground. Most of my changes were too wild for me to feel dysphoric whilst I was changed. I would barely look human and be ready only for combat and carnage whenever I really let loose with my form. But with a penis… I was still human, but still different *enough* for it to feel wrong.

 

But, well, that was the thing. A part of it felt right. It felt like the right way to punish her, at least, to be rough and get my revenge on her. But that ‘right’ feeling was precisely what felt so wrong, so disgusting. Something else that felt wrong, was, well, how guilty I felt at how wrong it felt. I didn’t judge Ayano for her penis, so why should I judge myself for briefly having one? I shouldn’t. One’s set of genitalia was ultimately unimportant, and I loved Ayano for who she was. I’d obviously still love her if she had a vagina, but, I almost couldn’t imagine her being any different, either. Yet, having a penis was simply not what I wanted for myself. My feelings were all so strange and contradictory. Not just regarding the penis, but, regarding Ayano and Priscilla and Beth overall.

 

… Right, there was Beth, too. I felt bad for her. A kind, sweet girl, who had such difficulties expressing her emotions, and had just learned to open herself up to me at the worst time possible. I hated turning her down, and I hated even more how she had been pushed to the back of my mind. I also hated how Priscilla had shown no consideration towards Beth, either, she had heard our conversation and knew that Beth harboured feelings for me, and yet, she still only thought about her own selfish desires, showing no consideration for me, Ayano, or Beth. I had tried to apologise to her, but I don’t think Beth was ready to open up yet. Especially since Beth, too, had caught my flu. I still took it upon myself to take food, tea, and medicine up to her though, just as she had done for me. Not that it helped alleviate my guilt. After all, I hadn’t been considerate towards her either.

 

Because I was still supposed to be recovering from the flu, my workload was very light in the remaining few days before Ayano was set to return home. I was looking forward to seeing her again, but another part of me wasn’t. I still needed more time to think and recover. A part of me also hated this limbo I was in, but another part of me wanted to extend it, because at least then, I could technically remain in a relationship with her for just a bit longer. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to her, to put an end to this chapter of my life. I don’t think I could bear a future without Ayano’s love. Priscilla was right about one thing, I probably should have never let myself catch the flu. Not only had I spread it to Priscilla, Beth, and possibly others, but in a state like this I’d probably rather be drowning myself in work than allowing myself to be alone in my head.

 

Waiting for Ayano’s return felt like an eternity, but, when I finally saw her limo arriving back at the manor, it suddenly felt like no time at all had passed. There was a lump in my throat. I didn’t head out to greet her, instead, I dropped what I was doing and returned to my room. And there I stayed for hours, waiting for the bell to ring.

 

I waited. And waited. And soon, I fell asleep. Then, in the darkness of my unconscious state, that beautiful sound that normally filled me with such joy woke me up, and I found myself consumed by nothing but dread. I almost wanted to refuse the call, to stay in bed and pretend that it was all a dream and everything was still fine. But after a few more minutes, I heard it ring again. Yeah. Okay. Ayano really wanted to hear from me right now. Fuck.

 

I tied up my hair into a ponytail and slipped into a pair of slippers, remaining in my nightie as I walked in the darkness up to Ayano’s room, not even bothering to bring a candle with me. Even in pitch blackness, I could navigate my way through the manor with ease at this point.

 

Before I knew it, there I was, in front of Ayano’s door. I paused for a few moments. I could still turn back. I still needed more time, I could turn around now and go back to bed and-

 

The door opened.

 

“... There you are, Lilly. Please come inside.”

 

It had only been a week since I had last seen her, but when I saw her standing in the door, herself wearing a nightie, my heart melted. I had missed her so much. I just wanted to rush into her arms and hug her and forget that nothing was wrong. But I didn’t. I timidly stepped inside.

 

Her room was a place I also hadn’t been to in a week, and right now, it was lit only by candlelight. Under any other context, the atmosphere would be pretty romantic. I supposed it was romantic in a different way. Ayano sat down on the bed and patted a spot next to her. I obeyed, and she pulled me into her arms. This was nice.

 

“... How has your week been, Lilly?”

 

“Awful,” I responded immediately and truthfully, “I was sick with the flu for the first half, missing you for the rest of it. Didn’t have any work or anything fun to do in the meantime.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

 

“How was your time at the capital?”

 

“Honestly? Pretty awful in its own right. Mother is sicker than I realised, and, god, the nobles up there are even more of a bore than the ones that visit here! They’re so picky with their food, and so rude to their servants! There was one guy who shouted loudly at a servant because his *tea was too cold*. Like, please, the tea wasn’t cold when it was given to you *by a different servant* 20 minutes ago! It’s a nightmare up there… I’m glad to be back.”

 

“Ha! Yeah…”

 

I actually did laugh hearing that story, recounted by Ayano in such a spirited way. Bitch, this was supposed to be a quiet and sombre moment, what do you think you’re doing, making me laugh? I had to admit, though, it did help to diffuse the tension. Even if she was avoiding the elephant in the room, she was reminding me of the joy I actually felt whilst being around her. Unfortunately, I don’t think I could recount any of my real stories from this week in a way that was actually worth telling.

 

“... So…” I eventually continued, after a few moments of silence between us.

 

“... So.”

“What… Do you think… About us?” I asked.

 

“... My thoughts are the same, Lilly.”

 

“Mine are the same too.”

 

More silence. We hugged each other tighter. Neither of us wanted to let go. But someone had to speak eventually. I didn’t want to be the first one. So, it was Ayano who eventually broke the silence.

 

“... I don’t see us working out. Because I… I can’t give you the attention I need… And I’ll be honest, I… I was using being Queen as an excuse. To tell you the truth, I… I know that, even if things remained exactly as they are, or got even more peaceful… I just.. I don’t have it in me to be the right person for you.”

 

“But you are the right person for me,” I immediately rebutted, “Did I do something wrong?”

 

“Not at all, Lilly. You’re a wonderful person. I’ve honestly… Come to value your wellbeing over Selicia’s itself. That’s why I’m saying this right now, because I can’t be who you need.”

“I mean, do you love me? Were all the times you spoilt me, that time you took me on a trip, all the times you show concern for me, make me laugh, make me horny, make me feel special, when you make me feel loved, are you saying that you can’t offer me the things you’ve already given me? Was all of that fake?”

 

“None of it was fake. My feelings towards you were never fake, and neither were your own experiences. I just… I can’t sustain it. I… I knew from the beginning that it would be impossible. I simply… Did something stupid, I indulged in my feelings, I saw how you felt about me and I did the things that I knew wouldn’t hurt you, so… That’s it. Put simply, the type of love I feel for you… Isn’t the same as what you feel for me.”

 

“I’m telling you that your style of love is just fine for me, more than fine. Why do you think you can’t sustain it? Because it’s as you said, it’s not just because you might be Queen soon… I just… I just think that if we love each other, this shouldn’t be an issue…”

 

“I’m sorry, Lilly. My mind is made up. I don’t want this anymore. My thoughts on the matter are non-negotiable.”

 

“Then why am I here!? Didn’t you call me here to negotiate?”

 

“I called you here because I care about you. Because I want you to know why the relationship needs to end, because I want to work things out with you, because I want you to be okay as you possibly can be with this outcome-”

 

“How can I possibly be okay!? I love you Ayano, you’re the only one I need! You have no idea how happy you make me, I’m willing to be as patient as I need to be, I’m willing to work through any problem with you! And I still don’t get why you don’t want me anymore just because your style of loving is ‘different’. I don’t get it! Am I too clingy? Do I make our relationship too obvious? Is the sex not good enough? There’s got to be something, ANYTHING I can do to fix this!”

“... It has nothing whatsoever to do with you.”

 

“If that’s the case, then I haven’t been working hard enough to help you feel better about yourself! I didn’t want to bring her up after you confided in me, but you don’t need to feel guilty about Julia and Georgia! You were a bad person, you hurt people, you did bad things, but… That doesn’t define who you are now, and that has no bearing on the experiences I’ve had with *you* Ayano, the person in front of me right now, the woman you’ve been since we met!”

 

“Listen… This might be a huge tragedy to you, I get that. I hate the fact that I’ve strung you along, making you believe in a future that was never going to happen between us. You have no idea how much guilt is eating at me right now. But… My decisions are my own. And I strongly believe that the best thing for you is for our relationship to end as soon as possible, so that you can heal and find someone who deserves you.”

 

“You’re not an island, Ayano! Sure, there’s only so much I can do, but… If you would just *listen* to me, if you’d let me help you, then there’s nothing that would be able to get in the way of our- Fuck, Ayano, are you okay?”

 

The princess had let go of me and had begun clutching her heart, grunting in pain, eyes watering. She laid down on the bed. I laid down next to her, gently stroking her sides and her back, looking into her eyes, staying silent as I tried my best to comfort her when she was in this sudden state of pain. After about five minutes, she finally calmed down, her breathing heavy. As the strength returned to her body, she clung to me tightly.

“What was that? Are you okay?” I whispered.

 

“... Might as well… Tell you now… You know how… Fuck…” It was obvious the pain was still lingering in her heart as she clutched it again.

 

“There’s no rush.”

 

“Okay… Okay. Lilly this is… The price I’m paying for breaking your slave contract.”

 

“... What?”

 

“It doesn’t want gold anymore. Right now, the spirit who mediated the contract that I broke, it… What you just witnessed was it taking my life force. It’s done so every month without fail. Although the cycle isn’t always consistent…”

 

“It’s taking… Your life?”

 

“I effectively gave up half my life span to… Offer you freedom, Lilly.”

 

“So even if…”

 

“That’s right. Even if we kept going like this, Even if life was perfect for us… I’m going to die whilst I’m still middle aged. And you… You’re going to survive much longer than that, ideally…”

 

“You idiot!” I exclaimed, pulling her in even more tightly and planting kisses on her neck, “Is there any way to fix this? Can you reform the slave contract? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep this a secret? Fuck Ayano, FUCK!”

 

Tears began falling down my face now. I was shaking, and her embrace was the only thing keeping me somewhat stable.

 

“I would… I would have preferred to stay your slave! That would have been better than THIS! Even back then, this was the LAST thing I wanted! You bitch, you cunt, you goddamn motherfucking stupid idiot brain dead bimbo princess bitch FUCK WHY? WHY!?”

 

“... I’m sorry, Lilly, I just wanted to do what was best for your wellbeing and-”

 

“You ARE my wellbeing! THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANT!”

 

“... There’s nothing that can be done about it now…”

 

“Take… T-Take my blood, take it right now! It’ll keep you alive, the spirit will keep taking your life force but with my blood you’ll be STRONG and YOUNG and you’ll stay ALIVE Ayano! FUCK!”

 

“I don’t want the Monstra inside me, Lilly.”

 

“IT’S NOT THE MONSTRA IT’S ME! IT’S JUST ME! I’ll keep it under control we’ll figure out how you can control it for yourself we’ll-”

“I…Please don’t do this, Lilly,” A deep sigh escaped her lips, “It doesn’t matter how safe it would be. The Monstra is… My enemy.”

 

“FINE! FINE FUCKING FINE! Ayano how do you kill a spirit!?”

 

“... Spirits are already dead. They’re just pure mana so-”

 

“I EAT MANA FOR BREAKFAST! WHERE IS IT I’LL DESTROY IT AND-”

 

“That spirit is so powerful that it holds together Selicia’s ecosystem. If it vanished, mana would dry up and the air would go rancid and plants and insects and wildlife would die and the weather and the climate would cause disasters… Even if you were capable of it, I wouldn’t approve.”

 

“I thought my wellbeing was more important than Selicia’s? It’s just one spirit, it can’t be that difficult to-”

 

“We’re talking about *my* wellbeing, not yours. And your wellbeing isn’t going to be improved by destroying this country.”

 

“I just said that your wellbeing is mine, didn’t I?”

 

“I don’t really believe that.”

 

“YOU THINK I’M NOT DEVOTED ENOUGH TO YOU?”

 

“... I think you are, Lilly. That’s not why I said that. I’m thinking about the future, not about how you’re feeling now. It’s precisely because of your devotion to me that I want you to realise that there are other people out there-”

 

“There aren’t Ayano! There just aren’t! You’re all I want!”

 

I was crying and sobbing now. My screams of anger had descended into wailing sobs, crying out at the top of my lungs as I soaked her neck with my tears. I couldn’t handle this. This was too much. This couldn’t possibly be happening. My world was ending and she was calmly explaining why that was supposed to be okay.

 

It was ironic that I brought up my devotion to her. Because I had slept with Priscilla behind her back, and I was too cowardly to admit it. And when Ayano was breaking up with me already, I had to cling onto whatever I could in the desperate hope that she might change her mind. No. She could never know about what I did with Priscilla. If this was some sort of karmic punishment for my mistake, then I would sacrifice anything to make things right again. I couldn’t handle the fact that this was happening to me and that it was probably my fault and that I didn’t know the precise reason why.

 

“O-Okay…” I finally said after a few minutes, “I g-get it, you’re gonna become Queen sooner than later, then die sooner rather than later as well… T-That’s fine, but… That’s all the more reason for us to make the most of the time we have… I can find someone *after* you’re dead…”

 

“... You can waste time with me now, or start cultivating relationships with people who you can actually spend the rest of your life with. The more time spent with me is just more time taken away from searching for them…”

 

“Don’t think of the time I spend with you… As a waste…”

 

“Either way, it… It doesn’t really matter. I don’t want this anymore, and that’s all there is to it.”

 

I wiped away the tears from my eyes to see hers. She was crying too. She was making a mistake. She had to be. This was making her miserable. She didn’t want to hurt me or be apart from me anymore than I wanted to be parted from her. This was a sick joke, right? Why? Why was she like this? Why couldn’t she find it in her to *fight* for me? Was she too afraid to pursue what she wanted in life, or was I simply not enough for her? Goddamnit, it wasn’t like I was hard to fight for! I’d kill her every enemy, be at her beck and call, love and support her unquestioningly! I’d continue to be her love slave no matter how shattered the contract! Why was she putting more effort into keeping me away than keeping me close? I didn’t get it! I DIDN’T GET IT. Why couldn’t things just STAY SIMPLE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?

 

“Then… I guess… This is goodbye…”

 

With that, I leaned in for one last goodbye kiss on the lips. I just needed that final memory, that final piece of lingering warmth and joy to remember her by, one last moment to make this parting just a tiny bit less painful.

 

But she put her finger to my lips.

 

“... I don’t think kisses are appropriate anymore, Lilly. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

My tears had ceased. I felt empty and dead. Her grip on me loosened, and she rolled over so that she was no longer facing me. Her bed suddenly felt very… Very cold…

 

I rolled over onto my back, looking at the ceiling, my head pounding, my world spinning. This was the calm before the storm. Oh no, I wasn’t done yet. I could cry for weeks, possibly for the rest of my life. But right now I just felt utterly dead and defeated.

 

“I-I L-Love Y-You A-Ayano…”

 

“... I love you too, Lilly. But we should just stay as employer and employee from now on. I wish you nothing but the best.”

 

It was like I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning in an inky black abyss. My mind filled with visions of red and purple, the vivid, violent colours hitting my brain like physical punches to my face. It was back. It was fucking back. To think, I didn’t even think it was weird that these intense colours had vanished from my mind, that I was having normal dreams as recently as this week. Was this going to be my life from now on? Was my mind going to be thrown back into that cage Gloria had left me in? I didn’t want that… I didn’t want that at all! Anything but that! I’m sorry for taking my good fortune for granted, please, just let this all be an awful dream and let me wake up next to an Ayano who wants to stay with me!

 

My stomach twisted and turned as I rolled out of bed… Or rather, I think I slithered. I looked down at my hands. My beautiful, pale skin was melting. My nightie was being dissolved and pale sludge was melting from my form onto the floor, turning pitch black as soon as it was separated from my body. But it didn’t come to life. The sludge was inert, lying there, acting just as dead as I felt.

 

“Lilly, are you okay!?” Ayano suddenly exclaimed.

 

“Don’t look at me…” I whispered, but I don’t know if she heard, since I didn’t know where my mouth was anymore.

 

I stumbled towards the window. It was difficult to see through my tear stained eyes, especially since one of them had dropped all the way down my body and was now somewhere on my wrist or something, whatever ‘wrist’ meant now. I wasn’t a controlled, deadly mass, I was a chaotic mess of sadness, I had no idea what my mind and body were doing to each other. I did know one thing, though- I couldn’t be here anymore.

 

I had no idea if Ayano was saying anything, since my ears got buried underneath the ever growing mass of sludge. Some sort of shapeless appendage managed to open the window, so I flopped out of it, slithering down the outside wall like some kind of slug. I eventually disconnected from the brick and fell a few metres down onto the stone steps below. I last saw her looking out the window, a look of shock and terror on her tear stained face, as tiny little insect legs grew beneath my body and began carrying me away like I was some sort of millipede. Before I knew it, I was rushing through the forest. Directionless, simply running, running, running, skittering away as fast as I could to who knows where.

 

The only thing I could hear was the incessant sound of that bell ringing endlessly in my mind.