My family moved to the Brandt’s street when I was nine years old. Even then I was quiet and weird and I’d barely had any friends before the move. The new school only made that worse. Inessa went as well, was in the same grade and lived only a few blocks away. She was also a lot less popular among our peers back then. A pair of outcasts, we bonded out of desperation as much as anything else.

Our relationship was built on a symbiotic foundation from the start. I stood up to the bullies for Inessa in a way that made my mom worried and my dad cheer (I tried at least). Inessa shared her family with me. I gave her companionship in her many hobbies and fandoms and I got to copy her love of magical girl anime like Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura and Princess Knight Orion in return. Both of us were a bit depressed and aimless and we took solace in sharing that, even if Inessa learned to fake a smile as she got older and the bullies went away.

And then, while I was busy with my own issues, Inessa’s smile stopped being fake. She just turned around and figured herself out. She came out, suddenly and proudly, and made everyone accept her for herself. She made new friends and started dragging me out to meet Ida and then Temperance as well.

And of course, though it took me a few weeks to realize it was her, she had literally turned into the very figure we’d both admired so much as kids. I respected her, both as Castitas and as Inessa.

But, on another level, I kept expecting her to drift away over time. I couldn’t really contribute anything to the friendship anymore. She had secrets she had to keep now. And, okay, she was really bad at keeping them. But either way, that put a wall between us.

It just seemed inevitable that she’d move on to bigger and better things than me. It was only proof of how good a person Inessa was that she’d stayed with an aimless waste of space like me for as long as she had.

At least Mr. Noir was helping me get my head on straight. I spent time in his office after classes let out on Wednesday (the first half-day of the new term) and during second period AP English Lit on Thursday. I had yet to grasp his whole “embrace your inner beast” philosophy to his satisfaction. But I knew I would soon. Mr. Noir was always right; I could trust him. This would help.

But understanding the repressed desires that Mr. Noir said were secretly causing all of my problems proved impossible. No matter how much he suggested it was a crush, or a desire for a girlfriend or something more embarrassing, I couldn’t quite make the feelings line up in my own head. Sure, the idea of a relationship seemed nice, but it was also just not that important. Even if I became someone else, I couldn’t really imagine being the kind of guy anyone would have a reason to date. And imagining a relationship didn’t make the void go away.

On Friday the 26th, however, class was cut short before Mr. Noir could call me. The school piled into the gymnasium for a pep rally in anticipation of the first match of our school’s regional girls’ basketball tournament. This was annoying, as Mr. Noir had promised me definitively that he’d ‘force me to break out of my cage’ in our next session and now I would have to wait until Monday.

I probably would have avoided the game itself; but the match was important to Ida and she was a friend, so that meant it had to be important to me. And that meant we had to go and I had to spend time with my friends despite the fact that I was deathly afraid I’d blurt out something of what I’d been discussing with Mr. Noir and ruin things with everyone forever. It’s easier and safer to be unseen and unheard when you feel like you might say something you shouldn’t.

I was dreading needing to pass two hours on uncomfortable gymnasium seating in close proximity to Inessa and Temperance. I remembered their comments at the botanical gardens. How would they react if they knew that every time they were near I couldn’t stop obsessing over them. They’d be disgusted to see what a boy I really was deep down.

My sessions with Mr. Noir—as much as they would definitely help eventually—had only made that faint need flare into an agonizing want every time I saw Inessa being brave, straightforwardly expressing herself, or even just existing as herself with our friends.

As much I wished I could take Mr. Noir’s advice and just embrace my id, letting Inessa, Temperance and Ida know exactly how constantly aware I was of how beautiful they all were, was a step too far. I needed desperately to retain my exception status to boydom.

But, the more I tried not to say anything, the more I thought about saying it instead. And that, in turn, made me focus even more on not letting anything slip. And on and on.

So of course, I sat next to them on a green plastic seat, cheering on Ida and almost pretending to focus on the game while my thoughts accelerated into a horrifically self-destructive spiral of conflicting impulses.

And really, even if I gave into Temperance’s teasing and let her do whatever she wanted to dress me up, there’s no way either of them would ever be interested in dating someone like me. And okay, a part of that was that Inessa was both gay and practically family. But I was also me and they were them and the gap between us was pretty big. It was only a quirk of fate that they tolerated me in the first place.

Fortunately, if there was one thing that attending social events with my friends had taught me, it was that they were absolutely going to have some kind of crisis in the middle. I would either enjoy the welcome respite of being victim 0 for another monster attack or they would get pulled away and vanish abruptly for half the night.

Sure enough, Ida exchanged panicked whispers with Inessa during half-time and both Inessa and Temperance promptly declared they needed to go to the bathroom. I waited five minutes, saw no sign of them, and let out a quiet sigh of relief; I was worried of course. I knew how scary the monsters could be. And even I could see that Ida was wracked with anxiety during the third quarter and barely able to play at all. But a petty part of me was still happy I didn’t have to spend time being seen by my friends.

And okay, maybe I was a little panicked when the fourth quarter started and Ida didn’t show up; but of course all was well in the end. She returned (exhausted but unharmed) post-game and Inessa and Temperance (also exhausted) made their way back to their seats at the same time.

“If I never see a fidget spinner again for as long as I live,” Inessa groaned as she approached. Temperance nodded wordlessly, looking ever so slightly frazzled.

I was too consumed with my own issues to bother with our usual dance of Inessa making very obvious slips about magical girl business and me pretending to misconstrue them. I simply pretended not to hear that.

“Sorry about that C! We, umm, ran into someone we know on the way and one of her friends was in trouble so we had to help out and, well, we lost track of time.” Inessa dipped her head in apology.

Translation, they bumped into Avaratia Wolf, Gula Shark or some new leader of whatever shadowy force kept turning people into monsters, and she had a monster attack the gang. Ida tried to stick with the basketball game because this match was important but they couldn’t defeat until she came and helped.

“Are they okay?” I asked despite myself.

“Well, everything is all fine now, but I think we still have some things to talk about with our friend next time we see her,” Inessa only panicked a little as she tried to translate what had happened.

In other words, whichever general had shown up to lead the enemy had gotten away (it was probably Avaritia Wolf, I hadn’t seen Gula Shark in any monster attacks since early December.)

Temperance nodded along stoically, “Right, she’s still confused about a few things, but we’ll help her see the light soon enough after all this.”

Which is to say Temperance was livid, insofar as Temperance actually felt any emotions at all under that mask of hers, at whatever this fidget spinner themed monster had been and was probably totally determined to crush her enemy next time she saw her. I nodded pleasantly and hoped that there was a way out for Avaritia Wolf, or at least a quick painless end. Castitas was pure and straightforward and would never give up or surrender. Diligentia was athletic, hard-working and determined to do the right thing. Temperantia was simply terrifying.

“How’d the game go?” Inessa asked after a few awkward moments. .

“At first, without Ida, it seemed pretty bad,” I admitted though I’d barely managed to pay attention, “but then they called a time out and talked some things over really intensely among each other and then they started to get hyped up and played a lot better and they managed to pull out a miraculous three point shot right at the last second that put them just in the lead.”

Inessa sighed in relief. Temperance nodded thoughtfully.

“What?” I asked, unable to resist despite all my desire to be alone with my own thoughts.

“Ida was worried that she had to be in two places at once,” Inessa said, “like everyone was depending on her.” I managed to ignore that a hypothetical Ida who wasn’t secretly a magical girl should have had no other responsibilities at all right now.

Temperance nodded, “And now she grasps her own irrelevance.”

“And that’s good?!” I managed to avoid raising my voice, but the idea of being like Ida; of being someone who could go out of my way to be there for everyone and then ending up learning that I wasn’t really helping, just indulging myself… That would hurt.

“I wouldn’t say it quite like that,” Inessa clarified, “But she felt like she needed to hold up everything everywhere at once, and now she’ll know she can rely on others too!”

“Yes,” said Temperance even more woodenly than normal. “She will definitely learn her lesson this time.”

Inessa poked the other girl in the cheek, “Unlike a certain someone who had to be taught her lesson how many times?”

Temperance did not dignify that with a response.

I had no idea what the exchange was about, and happily filed it away under the long list of things that would make my friends panic, lie, and then feel guilty about lying to me if I asked.

---

It wasn’t a good weekend.

Dad wasn’t pulling any shifts, so he lingered around the house in one of his moods. Usually I’d find an excuse to spend at least one day at Inessa’s, but I didn’t have it in me to face her with all the thoughts wreaking havoc in my head.

If Inessa wasn’t an option, I tended to try to hide in my room and distract myself with all sorts of mindless online stories; but, given the content of what I tended to read, the attempt only served to drive me deeper into my own anxieties. This was reality and I was me and no one was going to show up to zap me into being someone useful and good no matter how nice that would be.

At least the absence of anything else I could do to distract myself from imploding drove me to devour my schoolwork with a desperate intensity I’d rarely managed. I would be hard pressed to remember much of what I accomplished. As a plus, I only had to listen to one of dad’s rants about my conduct, my (lack of) prospects and the need to ‘man up.’

And then, after several eternities, it was Monday morning and I could meet with Mr. Noir and get back to trying to work through whatever this was. I needed his help; he would make it all make sense if I just listened to him. I could trust him after all.

I left early for school and managed to dodge Inessa (and dad) and made my way to Mr. Noir’s office. I couldn’t say how, but I knew he would be there waiting for me.

Lupin was leaving Mr. Noir’s office as I arrived; storm clouds on her face. I mumbled a hello, but she just growled at me and shoved past. I had no clue what had her in such a bad mood. I was tempted to break from my compulsion to see Mr. Noir and see if anything I could do to help; but something about Lupin’s tone told me she might actually bite me if I tried to talk to her.

Anxiously, I knocked on his door.

“Ah, Charleton, perfect,” he grinned at me. “Come in. I was just about to call for you.”

I followed and took a seat.

“Hmm, you’ve certainly done a good job teasing your sins to the surface,” he said, “though the form is still surprisingly vague. It would suffice for a mere monster, but…”

“What do you mean?” I asked, worried.

“I mean,” he rose to his feet and swung his arms grandly, “that you’ve allowed your lusts, the essence of Luxuria, to percolate through your thoughts, to transform your body into its vessel. And yet you hold yourself at the precipice, too bound by society’s rules to take that leap that would set you apart from the lowly sheep around you. Are you ready, Charleton, to let loose that beast lurking deep in your soul, tear through these chains of false virtue holding you back and claim the power that should rightfully be yours?”

Mr. Noir offered me his hand as he spoke. His voice was as shrill and menacing as normal, but the anticipation was thick in his tone.

I hesitated. I had no idea what he was talking about, though obviously it had to make sense. This was the solution I needed. I needed to take his hand and become and all the anxiety and longing would finally stop.

“No?” I tried as gently as I could manage. I didn’t want to offend him after all. Mr. Noir’s teeth ground against each other as his expression slipped for a moment.

Hastily, I continued, “I want to. I’ll be a beast if that’s what it takes to really know myself and be someone I can live with or even just to stop obsessing over it all the time and get back to being there for my friends in whatever little way I could even once I really realize how much I hate what I am deep down.”

I hesitated, that was true, but it didn’t seem like it was quite what Mr. Noir wanted from me. “I get it,” I clarified, “I don’t like being me, being C or Charleton or Charlie or any of these disgusting useless pathetic boys. And the more I realize I don’t like being me the more constantly I notice it and the harder it is to just hide from these feelings. If I have to become a beast to be anyone else, then I’ll gladly become a beast if it means I can stop all this.”

“Then why do you refuse to take my hand?” he asked, his tone clipped.

“I don’t know what it is that I want. Sure, I see a cute girl and I find my head filled with all these strange thoughts and now they won’t go away at all; but, where do they even go? Like, I’m a beast, not a magical girl and it hurts that I’ll never stand on that stage with them and win their admiration and trust. How can I become a beast if I don’t know what kind?”

He looked at me appraisingly.

“Regrettable,” Mr. Noir said, colder than I’d ever heard him, “Even now you insist on defying me. It seems like this method may be insufficient to the task.”

“What does that mean?” he was starting to scare me.

“It has brought you to a simmer. You’re clearly just too comfortable with the current status quo. What we need is an external catalyst, and a punishment is merited for wasting so much of my time” Mr. Noir ignored me.

“What?” I asked.

“It means we’ll need a more dramatic strategy. Tell me, who in this school draws you the most?”

I wasn’t sure. If there was anyone I dreamed about the most, it was Inessa. I admired her; I obsessed over her; I worried about her. I wanted to help her do what she had to do. I desperately wished I could be as amazing or even just half as confident and straightforward about my own needs as she was.

But if Mr. Noir was right about what I was thinking, then I refused to let the answer to that be Inessa. And that only left one other candidate. One person’s actions had sent my daydreams into a tizzy and revealed how right Mr. Noir was about my underlying cravings.

“Temperance,” I admitted after a pause.

“Seek her out,” he demanded. “Talk to her. Tell her exactly what you want, let her see how depraved you really are and make her push you over the edge.”

I shook my head frantically, “She’d never forgive me if I told her what I really was. I couldn’t show my face in public ever again and,” I couldn’t talk to my friends, not until whatever this was was passed and I could exorcise whatever feelings were stuck inside me.

“That was not a request,” Mr. Noir’s mouth was leaking smoke. What was wrong with him? What was he?

I wanted to stand and run, but the full force of his eyes bore down on me and there was nothing to do but obey.

---

I stretched as I came out of Mr. Noir’s office, almost unable to believe that I’d spent so long talking to him that it was already lunchtime. I should have been anxious about missing class, but I couldn’t be bothered. For all the details of our conversation felt a little vague, I’d left Mr. Noir’s office with a new sense of purpose. I knew now exactly how to pin everything down. The answer had been staring at me in the face the whole time.

Temperance had been wanting to have a talk anyway. Sure, I still had my issues, but something told me that I needed to have that conversation, that talking to Temperance would help me sort things out. Mr. Noir had been clear that I needed to seek out an alternative perspective on things. He was always right. I could trust him.

So I made my way to our usual lunch table and waited for the others to arrive.

“Hey,” I said nervously once they’d sat down with food. “Temperance I’m, uh, feeling a lot better and there was something I wanted to talk to you about if that’s okay, and I thought it might be a good time to talk over whatever it was you wanted to bring up last week?”

She hesitated for a long time, then led me out of the cafeteria. The hallway was mostly deserted and that seemed good enough for her. I didn’t know why I couldn’t have this conversation in the cafeteria itself, but she seemed to welcome the relative anonymity of a quiet hallway over the attention of our friends as much as I did.

“You go first?” I offered, surprised that she almost seemed to flinch. Temperance did not do anxiety. It was not within her repertoire of skills. What on earth was she trying to say?

Was she actually going to confess to me? I panicked at that thought. What would I do? Obviously she wouldn’t want to date me if she knew me better and, really, it was ridiculous to imagine her judgment was that bad.

Besides, sure, I’d had a daydream or two about dating Temperance and I didn’t dislike her, but it would make things even more awkward with Inessa. Really, I didn’t even have time to date in the first place and, her jokes aside, obviously Temperance wouldn’t actually try to force femme me or anything anyway.

At the same time, she was literally a hero. I owed her my life a few times over. Would it really be okay to turn her down just like that? I had no experience here. How was I supposed to let someone down gently!?

Temperance, ignoring my internal crisis, finally gathered herself. I tried to focus on her. I had to maintain a straight face. Obviously I was wrong, but if I wasn’t, I couldn’t risk letting anything show that might hurt her.

“I just want to make sure you know that we’re here for you and,” she trailed off for a long moment, then took a deep breath and stared me straight in the eyes, “you don’t have to be a guy if you don’t want to,” Temperance spoke quietly and forced a smile that was probably meant to be comforting, but mostly looked deeply awkward on her face.

I froze, staring at her in abject confusion. Was she just messing with me again after all this build-up?

“We get put in boxes,” she continued as if that was a segue that made sense, “And no one is encouraged to think about it. If everyone acts like there’s nothing else, then no one has to ask if they ever really fit inside their box in the first place.”

“But,” she hesitated, “I want to make sure you know that the view from outside is worth it in the end. You can be a girl or anything else if you want and we’ll—all of us—have your back, no matter what you end up.”

I’d never heard Temperance be so loquacious before. Even her catchphrase and named attacks were delivered in a quiet deadpan. It was so absurd to see her like this that it would have been almost impossible to process the words if she hadn’t stabbed each and every single one of them into the cracks in my heart. I’d have thought she was joking, but, well, for all her teasing Temperance was one of Inessa’s friends and I couldn’t imagine her being that mean on purpose. No, as nice as her vision sounded, as much as life would be so much easier for me if I could just decide to be a girl or something like that, she was just looking at me and trying to find a better person than the one in front of her.

At the end of the day, Temperance was a good person. Her speech was oddly similar to some of the things Mr. Noir had taught me, but Temperance made it all sound noble. Society forced us to conform. It strangled us. But where Mr. Noir saw me as someone who deserved to be repressed, Temperance was looking for a person who’s opposition to the world would be valid. She was looking for a worthy core that simply didn’t exist. At least I wouldn’t have to find a way to turn her down.

“I’m not a transgender.” I didn’t manage to keep the frustration out of my voice, “It would be great if I was! I have nothing against them; I’m not my dad.” No, I wasn’t thinking about him now.

“But, look, if I was, if I could just press some magic button and be,” I couldn’t say the word, “that would be great. But I’m not; I’m a boy.” I said the last words with some bitterness. No one, I was sure, could really want to be the gender that made Inessa and her friends shout “Boys” and all know exactly what the problem was. But some of us were stuck with it.

“And I’ve never felt like I was or could be anything else no matter how much I wished I wasn’t. If I have a problem, it’s not that I’m a girl trapped in the wrong body. If anything, I’m drowning in how much a pathetic perverted boy I am.”

I felt something against my cheek. They weren’t tears; boys don’t cry. My lungs had stopped working for some reason. That wasn’t enough to stop me. I had to let her know what I was, what she was really dealing with.

“It sucks but that’s what I am: just another dumb perverted teenage boy who hides every sick thought in his head even while he’s fantasizing all sorts of terrible things about you deep down. So, yes, I want to be a magical girl. Who wouldn’t want to be powerful and brave and beautiful and have everyone look up to them? But I don’t get to do that because I’m not a girl or a good person. I’m just some weird deviant that can’t be content standing in the background where he belongs and keeps dreaming of stealing the spotlight to satisfy his narcissism when he won’t do anything to deserve it in the first place.”

I paused for breath and found I could barely breathe. Saying that hadn’t helped. Admitting that I was some pervert who wished he could be a girl so he could fit in better with his friends, had not brought about any catharsis. I remained a creepy, ugly, clumsy, useless, waste of a boy that couldn’t even get his mom to stay or his dad to respect him.

Every student in the hall was staring at me now and a few heads had poked around corners and out of classrooms at my shouting. I tried to find some reaction I could make, to play it off and go back to being invisible. My eyes made contact with Inessa’s as she exited the cafeteria. She stared at me with concern in her eyes.

Temperance, likewise, stared at me with undisguised compassion. Of course they would worry. They were good people. And as much as I wished I could be like them, I didn’t belong.

I ran.

---

I found myself in the dark in an empty house that once felt safe and welcoming a few years ago. The school would call and they would be upset, and that would make dad upset and then I would have a bad week. I was being dumb. I couldn’t afford to miss any classes. But, the thought of returning after that, with everyone staring at me?

Worse, what if Inessa or any of them tried to understand, to brush aside this part of me and tell me I was just going through hard times? I could survive their disgust; forgiveness would break me.

No, better to sit in the dark with my own thoughts and hope dad worked late. At least, in silence and darkness I could pretend I was no one at all. It would be so easy if I could just abandon everything and be someone else without my baggage, with a hint of Temperance’s stoicism or Inessa’s charm or Ida’s indefatigably. I would love to be someone cute and nice and as different from me as the sun from the moon. But no force on earth could do that. And I still didn’t know what I was missing to let Mr. Noir help me even after all that.

The doorbell rang. I ignored it; It rang again, then again, and again. I couldn’t make myself answer it. But a part of me needed to know if Inessa was coming to help, or if Temperance had come to break me again.

I got up from the table and went to my bedroom so I could steal a glance out from the second floor window. There, against all reason, stood Lupin Noir. As if she could sense me watching, she lifted her head. Her eyes met mine and she smiled savagely, like a cat who'd just realized its prey was cornered and now it could savor the game.

Then she opened the front door and let herself into my house.

I was too exhausted to parse what was happening. Maybe she’d been possessed or something and I was about to be eaten by a monster. The possibility felt oddly welcoming; I wouldn’t have to explain that outburst to anyone; I wouldn’t have to crave something I couldn’t name.

I sat at the window, waiting as her footsteps slowly made their way up the stairs. Gently, almost mockingly, she knocked on my door. I didn’t answer. She opened the door anyway.

I was wrong, I realized, as she looked me up and down. It wasn’t Lupin. Sure, her face, build and general aesthetic looked oddly similar, and she shared Lupin’s trademark purple highlights, but this girl had a large pair of wolf ears on her head and a tail.

Her outfit looked like a twisted reflection of Inessa’s, keeping the frills and assorted ribbons, but trading the skirt for a pair of shorts and a tighter top that managed to slim her build down instead of accentuating it. All she was missing was the halo. She made up for it by exuding chaotic malice and having a pair of wicked claws I’d seen tear through concrete.

I recognized her instantly: Avaritia Wolf. She was the most persistent and dangerous of the Saints’ enemies, and the most frequent culprit behind the many monster attacks I’d stumbled into.

“Hiya Luxuria; I’d say it’s a pleasure to finally meet you as me, but uncle dearest has told me alllll about what a messed up little freak you really are deep down, so I honestly have no idea why we’re welcoming you into the fold.” She even sounded like Lupin, though the other girl’s basic compassion was nowhere to be found in Avaritia’s eyes. That was for the best. Being looked at like I was a cockroach she wanted desperately to crush hurt a lot less than the thought of tolerance in Inessa’s eyes.

I wanted to run, to scream, to at least go down trying futilely to fight back. Any of the magical girls I admired so much would have done that and more. But the scents of cinnamon and copper were in the air, so I followed her mutely downstairs and then outside. She walked to the wall of a nearby building for a moment, before slashing out with one claw to tear a rift in the world in front of us.

Avaritia pulled it wider, then spun on one heel to knock one of Castitas’ fire arrows out of the air.

“Get away from him,” Castitas shouted. Her voice was alien, furious in a way I’d never seen her. It wouldn’t matter. She was too far away to reach me.

“Sorry Inessa,” I had just enough time to give her a sad smile before Avaritia Wolf dragged me through the portal.

NEXT WEEK ON SHINING VIRTUE ANGELIC HEART!!!

Oh no, Charlie’s been kidnapped by Avaritia Wolf and taken to the mysterious Abyssal Forest! With Michael’s reluctant help, Castitas, Temperantia and Diligentia chase after Avaritia to stage a rescue attempt. But, just as they think they may succeed, the mysterious leader of the Abyssal Forest makes his appearance!

Tune in for episode 15: Rescue from the Abyssal Zone! Superbia Dragon Appears!