Delicious warmth flooded my body as I knocked back another cup of sake. It rested on my fingers, the cool ceramic at odds with the heat the sake brought. My server was a young man with a face as flushed as my own. I’d poured for him only twice, but I always served the strongest sake here, even the smallest cup could drown humans into a deep drunkenness. He’d done well keeping my own cup topped up each time I emptied it. Usually by now I’d have to do it myself.

“Would you like me t’pour for you ’gain?” he slurred, body swaying.

“Please,” I said bowing my head slightly. “Although I feel you have finally reached your limit now, my friend.”

“No, no, ’f course not.”

I laughed. I could tell he was trying to keep up with me, but his drinking would never best mine. I was, after all, the goddess of sake. The most I ever found myself was flushed and tipsy. Sometimes I envied that humans managed to be so merry with alcohol they just passed out there and then.

“Sato-san, if you don’t stop now I fear you’ll pass out here on the tatami before you return to your room.”

He leant in closer, “ahh, but that means I’d sleep in your company ’til you leave a poor man such as m’self on his own.”

Sato-san’s breath smelt strong of the sake we’d been drinking all evening, and yet... something more. Something rotten. I smiled and glanced away. Sato-san’s life was in the balance, but he didn’t know it. Blind to the growing rottenness inside his chest, a blackness that would take each breath away until he gasped for life. I’d seen it before. This is why Sato-san had come to me, without realising it. His devotion had lead him to this very room, where I had a choice. And I certainly couldn’t help every person; I wasn’t even supposed to interfere this much. Humans had to learn to cure illnesses by themselves.

I took Sato-san’s warm hands in mine and held them tight. “I won’t leave you alone.”

He stared into my eyes and nodded. I would save this one. I shouldn’t but…

The tiniest mote of energy passed between our hands, heading for his chest. He would still suffer the illness somewhat, but he’d survive. And in the meantime he could stay here where it was safe and warm. I wasn’t about to save his life for him to wander out in the snow and lose it so soon.

I could hear Ukemochi’s voice in my mind, berating me once they found out what I had done again. It wasn’t our place to interfere so much, we weren’t supposed to and yet… how could I not? All these lives like bright stars, creating a life, gone in a blink. Their fourty-fifty-rarely-sixty years just a grain of rice next to the everlasting length of a god. So what I gave him another ten years to live? Those could be his happiest years.

He wouldn’t know it was me, I never gave myself away. I was careful enough. He would only know my comfort and safety. Only the best for my devoted.

Sato-san smiled. “One last drink, in the company of the most beautiful woman.”

I laughed again. “Alright, you flirt, one last cup.”

My fingers wrapped around the ceramic tokkuri and I lifted it to pour sake into his last cup. Clear sake rose to the rim and Sato-san brought it to his lips.

“Kampai. Blessed is Inari who made us such a wooonderful drink.”

“Kampai, Sato-san,” I said quickly lifting my empty cup.

He drained the sake instantly, with a bright smile across his face as he savoured the taste. I was glad to see him so happy.

Behind us, the shoji door slid open. “I’m sorry for the intrusion,” a light voice called. “There is a new man in the entrance.”

“Oh?” I placed my cup back down on the low wooden table before patting Sato-san’s arm. “I’ll be back to keep you company soon. Why don’t you sleep for now?”

  He almost complained, until he glanced down at the tatami and gave in. I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Standing, I straightened out my kimono and turned to the door. A short lady stood there, waiting for me. Ayaki. Her black hair reached her shoulders, covering a red puckered scar across her neck. She’d fallen from a tree as a child, catching sharp branches as she fell. Her mother had prayed all day and night for her to live and I’d shown pity. Now all grown up, I assured her work and a room all to herself, for a small price.

I saved that one too. Ukemochi had poisoned my food in return, angry at me. However, my stomach was used to the poisons now, and I’d only felt bloated the next day. They vowed to stab me next time instead. Such a wonderful wife I had.

“Please lead the way,” I said to Ayaki.

She turned, black fox tail bobbing against her light blue kimono. Just like every other person working here in my sanctuary, she was a kitsune. I didn’t think it was much to ask for, I saved their life after all.

Despite the neverending amount of sake I’d consumed, my legs walked down the plain hallway with perfect steadiness. Out here was cooler than the stifling room with Sato-san. Cold air filtered through from the main shoji door which sat wide open, sharing a view of snow. Winter was always difficult for many people, and this time of year I found more and more people wandering in for help. I’d lost count of how many had, bowing their heads low. Most I let stay for a drink and some warmth before sending them away. A respite wasn’t against any rules, even if Ukemochi rolled their eyes at my antics.

Each of them had prayed to me for help, and I would offer it in some way. This place was sacred, nobody set foot here without prayer. I made sure of that a long time ago, after the homeless started to fill every room.

Ayaki stopped at the main entrance and bowed to the newcomer. A short man, still quite young; he faintly smelt of smoke and had a haunted look to his eyes.

“Irasshaimase,” I greeted. I may be a goddess, but I’d still use human customs to welcome customers. “It’s a cold evening, please come in.”

He bowed but stayed quiet. Torn on whether he should be here, perhaps? Never mind, sake always got it out of them.

So what do you want me to answer, my friend?

*

The evening had been the coldest yet. Snow fell heavily now and big flakes stuck to my grey kimono. I’d slipped inside the building as quick as I could, thankful for even the tiniest bit of warmth. It had been surprising finding the entrance, as I’d never seen it before. A grand entrance sat between a row of wooden machiya. The townhouses had withstood all manners of weather and even an earthquake without issue. It was if the gods had built them.

“Irasshaimase,” came the warm voice of the owner. She stood bathed in the glow of lamplight and I lost my voice. “It’s a cold evening, please come in.”

“Yes,” chuckled the woman next to her. “Don’t stand here in the entrance.”

The second woman wore a blue that brought more warmth, not cold, and her kimono pattern betrayed her wealth. Both of them wore the most complicated patterns, beautiful and breathtaking.

Where am I? I don’t have the money for… this.

“Would you like to join me for a cup of sake?”

I averted my eyes. I shouldn’t be here. “I… I h-have the wrong…”

“Certainly not,” she continued, voice pulling me closer. “Nobody comes here by mistake. Please join me for some sake, and we’ll find out why you are here.”

The second woman nodded. “Go with Ina-san,” she encouraged. “Don’t worry about anything.”

I let out a soft sigh. Maybe there was no harm in going with her. I was curious about this place at the very least.

Slipping off my shoes, I stepped up onto the hallway and the owner slid her arm under mine and held it.

“Follow me, I have many guest rooms here. You can pick whichever one you like.”

Together we stepped down the hall, stopping at each doorway. Ina-san showed me wide rooms filled with merry people, and other women in blue kimono. In one, a man slept on the floor, happily snoring away. Eventually we came to an empty room.

“Let’s try this one,” she said, gesturing inside. “It’s one of my favourites.”

As I stepped in the scent of pine trees hit me, and a wave of emotion hit me. It reminded me of home, wandering the forest, being alone and surrounded by many trees. The city could never offer me that.

Ina-san plucked a cushion from beside the wall and offered it to me. “Zabuton?”

“No, thank you.” I still wasn’t used to the finer things, and didn’t know the etiquette of sitting on them. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself now.

Taking one for herself, Ina-san placed it down next to the low table and knelt on it sideways, expertly avoiding messing her kimono and keeping the silk perfect. I lowered myself to the soft tatami opposite her, glancing around the room and admiring the obvious wealth Ina-san had. A painted screen sat in the corner glittering gold and red.

“So, what can I do for you, my friend?”

How was I to answer that? I wasn’t even sure what led me here in the first place. All I was doing was praying to Inari for some guidance, some help to deal with all the things. I needed strength to keep going, to find someone else to mentor me. I exhaled deeply. How was this woman supposed to help me? I didn’t want money alone, nor did I want someone to just give me money. The best things in life were those you worked for.

But I also needed to answer her, and the longer I stayed quiet, the worse a guest I came across. I wasn’t ignoring her.

“Truthfully, I am not quite sure why I am here.” I started, hoping it was an answer enough. “Just that I felt… called here. That sounds strange I know but…”

“If you felt this, then you are definitely in the right place.” Ina-san smiled and I felt some of my anxieties wash away. “Why don’t you start by telling me your name and all about yourself.”

My name? I hadn’t even told her that? My behaviour was awful. I was being an awful guest.

“Sumimasen, sumimasen,” I apologised while bowing my head. “I should have introduced myself already. Please forgive me.”

Ina-san chuckled and I wanted to die inside.

I kept my head low. “My name is Hirotoshi Aoi. I am a blacksmith here in the city. I’ve lived here for about a year now, and my hometown is a village deep in the forest. I came here first with my father. H-He left. It was too much for him… without my mother. So I’ve been working the forge with my master. But he, he, um.” I took a deep breath. “There was an accident. He didn’t make it.”

The memory came back to me now, the feel of heat licking my bare skin. Clang, clang, clang. Metal being struck over and over as our hammers fell. Thump, thump, thump. The ground being struck over and over as bricks fell. He had said it was safe, that the earthquake hadn’t damaged the forge…

I scrunched my eyes up. I didn’t want to cry again.

Ina-san’s fingers caressed the side of my face and she lifted my chin to face her. My cheeks flushed at such an intimate touch.

“You’ve been through a lot, Aoi-san.” Her dark eyes stared deep into mine, full of kindness. “You’ve seen a lot of death of those close to you.”

My heart lurched as her guess hit true. I was alone here now. Drowning in a city full of people knowing what to do. It was easier in the village, and I missed it so much. But there wasn’t enough money to be made. The village had only gotten smaller as I grew older.

“But you’ve always been strong. I sensed that from you a long time ago.”

I paused. What did she mean?

“I want you to stay here, Aoi-san, in safety and warmth. Here you can grieve your master without fear of needing money until you are ready again.”

“It’s my father who needs it.”

“Then we shall help him too.”

I stared at her. Who was she that she could offer so much?

Ina-san laughed. “You don’t remember me, do you? I suppose you’ve never seen me like this so it makes sense.” She reached up to my face again and cupped my cheek. “Which shrine did you pray at?”

My face flushed deeper and I stared at the table. I’d never been touched like this before. “I-Inari’s. I have my own shrine in my room. I always pray to Inari.”

“And who do you think I am?”

My eyes returned to hers and I found myself back as a child, running through the forest soaked through, feet bleeding, followed by a raijuu. Later I’d fought two, wet hand gripping my new blade tightly, screaming for them to leave me alone…

“You impressed me, back then, standing against two raijuu and the god Raijin himself. He wasn’t amused after that, and struck the land harder with bright bolts. He always throws tantrums like that when he doesn’t get his way.”

You…

She couldn’t be.

The blood drained from my face.

“I saw something special in you, the child of misfortune who begged me to save him. You didn’t need my help after all.”

“I… Inari?”

The woman before me nodded, and leant closer. “But don’t tell anyone. Few know the truth, and I just go by Ina instead.”

All I could do was stare. How could this be Inari? And I was just sat here with her, as if she was any other woman.

“You look like you could do with some sake,” she said, plucking a pair of cups from her wide kimono sleeve. “I serve only the finest here.”

I barely noticed as she placed them down and poured from a tokkuri brought out from who-knows-where. My eyes stayed firmly on her, still trying to process that she was Inari. The goddess I had spent my whole life praying to, the goddess I had begged to save my mother, the goddess I held closest to my heart.

She brought the ceramic cup to her lips as she sipped at the sake, watching me with obvious amusement.

“Aren’t you going to drink?”

“Inari-sama, I…”

“Lost your voice?” She poured herself another cup and drank it. “I normally can’t stop you talking to me. Or would it help if I switched to a more familiar form? A certain samurai that saved you.”

“B-Betsugi-sama? But that means—”

“Yes, I was there, under the tree as Akitsura Betsugi for a short while. He’s renamed himself Dousetsu Tachibana now, in fact. Certainly making a name for himself on my actions. It was me who killed the raijuu, not him. Nevertheless, I came to protect you, little samurai. The only way I knew how.”

Tears came to my eyes and I buried my face in my hands to hide them. How did I not know all this time?

“How come you never said anything? If only I had known I would have treated you better,” I said, my voice coming out quieter and more choked than I wanted. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Inari.

“Exactly, little samurai,” she soothed and placed a warm hand on my arm. “You would have never learnt how to stand up on your own and become a warrior. But you did. I saw into your heart and you just needed a little guidance. And now look at you. Everything I hoped you’d become.”

I pulled away. “What do you mean by that? I’m alone, far from home, and barely have coins to survive.”

“And yet you have a kind heart, and a strength well beyond your years. And now I call upon your help.” Inari reached for my hand, and squeezed it tight. “You’ll help me, won’t you? Or has the world stolen that young boy that relied on my help?”

I closed my eyes. I wanted to help her, I really did, but I couldn’t leave my father. I was all he had left now, and I would make sure he would live in comfort for his last years

“I can’t,” I said, heart lurching. “At least, not right now. My father needs me, I can’t leave him.”

Inari’s voice was controlled and quiet. “You would pick your father over a goddess?”

“Yes,” I replied without hesitation, heart hammering in my chest. I loved Inari-sama with all that I was, but my first duty was to my father.

“You aren’t like the others, Hirotoshi-kun. Few would make such a decision, especially to my face.”

Inari reached into her sleeves again. Would she bring out a blade to take my life for defying her? I couldn’t imagine anyone doing as I had and not being punished for it.

She held out her hand towards me, unfurling her long fingers and revealing a handful of gold coins.

“Would this be enough?”

I counted them. “There’s enough here to pay for three lifetimes, let alone the remainder of one.”

“Then your father can live like a daimyo in his last days, while I make use of his only son.”

I looked between the coins and Inari. My father could have anything with these coins… everything except me?

“No.”

“No?”

“What is money without love? My father would be richer than he could ever dream of, and he’d be alone. I am his only family.”

Inari’s eyes darkened. “You’d refuse a god twice?”

I could feel my hands trembling, my heart hammering in the forge of my chest. “Yes.”

A silence descended over the room, only broken by the laughter of the room beside us. I wondered if Inari stayed quiet to give me chance to change my mind, but I would not.

“Then you should go to him.”

I nearly spluttered the words which hung to my lips. “What? But what of—”

“If he is more important than even myself, you should be with him, not sat here in my sanctuary. I will have use for you later.”

My heart still thumped over and over, fear flooding my veins. It felt like one wrong move could be the end for me. I’d done as no other had and lived… so far. I should take the mercy that she showed now and get far away.

“Very well,” I said, standing on shaking legs. Fear so strong even my muscles betrayed me. “I’ll return home.”

“You’ll come back though?” Inari said, fingertips tracing the edge of the sake cup. “when your loyalty is only to me.”

I nodded. I would repay her for all the help she’d given me, and even this chance.

“Then you’ll need to find a way back here to this sanctuary. Prayer won’t be enough for a second visit.” Inari stood silently, kimono still perfect. “Follow me.”

I was tentative, but guilt still filled my belly. Down the hallway I followed, deeper into a maze of rooms. We passed open doors and golden rooms until Inari stopped at a door barely visible. Sliding it open, she gestured inside.

Rows of masks lay inside, filling a wall with their blank expressions. I stepped inside and looked at them all, eyes jumping from one to the next. Every mask carved in the shape of a fox, painted white, outlined in red.

“What are they?” I asked, spotting one unlike the rest. A wicked smile pulled the lips upwards.

“Those who wear one of these masks will be able to see the true nature of this place, and find the entrance. Pick one, whichever one you are drawn towards and take it.”

Sightless eyes stared back at me as I wandered up and down, looking at each mask. They were almost all the same and it made no difference to me, although Inari’s wording made me pause. Would one of these be better than the rest? How would I know which one I was drawn towards?

I stopped at a mask as plain as the rest. This one had a crack running along the side, recent damage, it seemed, as paint had chipped off the wood. Why hadn’t it been fixed? I lifted it from the wall—

A face appeared in the gap. “Good choice.”

“Ah!” I stumbled back. The mask dropped to the tatami.

“No need to break it further,” the voice continued. The figure stepped out from the display, chuckling to herself.

“Ayaki-kun always likes to play tricks,” Inari said, laughing alongside her.

Ayaki stopped to pluck it from the floor. In her small hands, she turned it, checking for damage before stepping closer. “Here, let me.”

I glanced to Inari who nodded, and reluctantly let Ayaki slip the mask over my face. Once in place, she tied the blood red strings behind my head. The mask smelt old, wood so aged it had almost lost it’s scent, and yet the faintest of something reached my nose. I spent so long in the forge now that all I was used to smelling was the burning of coals and wood, and I’d even started to forget the wonderful scents of the forest. I missed it sometimes, the feel of the sun reaching me through the leaves swaying in the soft wind.

 Beside me now stood Inari, watching me with sharp eyes. I could see her through the small slits in the mask, her red kimono fitting tight, sleeves dropping down low. Ayaki smiled.

“It suits you,” she said, standing back and admiring the mask.

“You picked well,” Inari said. “Now go if you mean to.”

I nodded. I had to leave now before I started doubting myself. Somehow I’d made it this far without being punished, and I wasn’t about to refuse Inari a third time. Back out into the hallway, I hurried towards the exit, eyes to the floor. The timber beneath my feet was deep brown and tough, there was much extravagance here when you looked closer. I hadn’t noticed at first, too wary of this place.

It didn’t take me long to slip on my shoes and head back into the icy snow, stopping only to bow deeply to Inari-sama and Ayaki. The mask still sat on my face, a perfect fit against my skin. I almost wanted to remove it to see if Inari’s house disappeared. Right now it still stood out in the row of machiya, beckoning for me to return. Perhaps one day I’d own one of the houses beside her. Start my own family. Surely living beside a god would be the luckiest place in the city.

The street was quiet tonight, most people had retreated to their homes, tucked up warm. My own was far from here, and half the size of any of these expensive houses. The few men who wandered the streets have me a cautionary glance before averting their eyes. I’d never been given such looks before; It had to be because of the mask. I wondered when I could take it off as I didn’t want everyone avoiding me. I was still me.

It wasn’t that unusual to see such fox masks during a festival, and it hadn’t been too long since the last one. Winter had struck hard and fast, winds blew away the last of summer, and along with it, the last of the festivals. They’d start up again in the spring after the snow had melted enough, and the trees began to burst into life again.

From Inari’s street I turned down another, this one semi flooded with melted snow. I knew this one all too well, as many blacksmiths worked in this area. This was where the best crafts came from, the truest honed swords. My master had walked me down this very street, showing me what I could do some day. He didn’t want me hammering tools and nails as I had done in the village, he wanted to train me in the beauty of hammering life into a blade, one that’d take many lives if made well. I hated the idea of making something that would kill, but I knew it was also for protection. It was exactly why I had one myself. The blade hammered from the wicked claw of a raijuu.

I’d shown my master one day, keeping it hidden until the last moment. A light had filled his eyes, intense and wild.

“The gods bless you, Aoi-kun. They have plans for you.”

He was right. I wasn’t even sure now if I wanted him to be right. At the time I did, clutching onto the fond memories of besting a raijuu. And now I knew the full truth. I owed my life to Inari. Without her, I would have died as a child running away from the raijuu.

It hurt my heart now to walk past each forge, hearing the bright clanging of metal and cracking of burning wood in my mind. It should have been me and my master working all day long, sweat rolling, even in this weather.

“Konbanwa, Aoi-san,” a voice called.

I looked around and spotted a miko standing by the red torii gate of the nearby shrine, Mitsumi; the shrine maiden had spoken to me many times about Inari. As patron to blacksmiths, many of them prayed to her for good luck. Seeing it always warmed my heart, and now the bright red torii gate broke the muted colours around it.

Today Mitsumi wore something different, a red kimono the same shade as the torii gate and her short black hair adorned with delicate flowers.

“Konbanwa,” I replied, heading over to her. “You’re out la—”

I froze.

There on Mitsumi’s head, between carefully crafted sakura ornaments, sat a pair of ears. Fox ears.

And how did she know it was me? I was wearing the mask…

Mitsumi smiled. “I always knew one day you’d find your way to Inari.”

“You… You’re a…”

She spun around, long white fox tail bushy against her red kimono.

“But, how?” I blurted out. I knew it was rude to ask, far too rude for just a blacksmith, but the words fell out.

“There are many things that human eyes can’t see,” another voice added with a chuckle. “Just like me.”

As if from nowhere, a new figure emerged. A pure white fox, standing on it’s hindlegs up tall. Behind it lay three bushy white tails.

“Konbanwa, I am Rei.”

My fingers reached up to the strings behind my head and I pulled them loose, dropping the mask from my face. Was it the mask that was letting me see this? I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

As it fell away, the ears and tails and full white fox on it’s hindlegs... still showed.

“I don’t think he knows,” Mitsumi said to the fox, and they both erupted into laughter.

“Don’t know what?” I looked between them.

“No, I don’t think he does!” The fox crowed. “He’s so confused.”

“Tell me, please,” I begged. “What is so funny?”

“Check yourself,” Mitsumi said, finally.

“What?” I growled and glanced downwards. I wore a dark grey kimono and a light grey obi that had been white once, but charcoal had darkened it. There was nothing amiss, even as I turned to check my back... except—

A tail.

I stared at it, the black tail laying flat against my kimono. “What? Why do I have a tail? It wasn’t there before!”

“Why do you think you can see our true forms?” Rei said. “You’re like us.”

They laughed again. “What did you think the mask was for? Most kitsune start this way.”

“Just not like me,” Rei said. “Kiko are a little different.”

“That’s right,” a lofty voice said from behind me. “I pick my messenger kitsune carefully.” Inari wandered past me, long hair brushing my arm. “I see you have met my newest kitsune. This is Hirotoshi, I expect great things of him.”

Me, a kitsune? It couldn’t be true, surely.

But there was a tail. I was scared to reach up to my head and check for ears too.

“I thought you would have at least told him,” Mitsumi said to Inari. “Poor thing looks so lost.”

“Am I truly a kitsune?” I panicked. “I don’t want to be one. Change me back!”

Inari stepped closer to me and took hold of my hands. “You came to me, and I blessed you. I’ve even allowed you to go to your father first. This is the highest favour I have, and I know you will do well with it.” Inari stared deep into my eyes, hers dark and commanding. “Hirotoshi, with your pure heart you could even rise further and become one of my tenko. Only few make it that far. You can have powers of your own, powers to help anyone you want.”

My heart crumpled. Inari stood there offering the highest blessing anyone could hope for or want. And I was here, denying it. I just wanted to take care of my father.

“I won’t change you back,” she said finally. “You are mine now.”

Inari brought out a small bag from her kimono and pressed it in my hand.

“You should be a dutiful son and give these to your father. You forgot them before. I could almost take that as a refusal for my help.”

Inari released my hands for a moment, before grabbing my shoulders and pulling me into an embrace. Such warmth radiated from her, as if I had been pulled into an onsen. Falling deeper and deeper into the magic and whims of a god. I could feel the fight draining from me, being replaced with a calmness I’d never felt before. What was she doing? I wanted to escape… but she was so warm… so warm. I could feel myself drifting away, hearing the laughter of the kitsune fading away.

 

A sparrow called. Singing to the wind. I opened my eyes and saw it flying above, dancing in the eddies of air.

Where was I?

I glanced around. My breath caught when I spotted the trees towering around me, standing tall and firm. I wasn’t in the city now, I knew those trees. I’d climbed one of them a few times, hiding away for some peace, watching the village work between the swaying leaves. Of course I was back here. Inari had somehow sent me. Another whim of the gods.

I’d left the village behind without hesitation before, tired of being reminded of my mother at every turn, however in the city all I’d wanted was to be here, in the forest. Back where my mother left her imprint on the world.

Standing, I brushed down my kimono. Loose grass stuck to the fabric, wet with morning dew. The mask had vanished, and I almost thought I’d dreamt the day before… but in my hands sat the bag of coins I’d never earnt. What would my father say? Would he believe that Inari had turned me into a kitsune? I didn’t even truly believe it. It all felt like a trick, a jibe, anything to be laughed at.

What did I really expect from foxes, however. I’d learnt a long time ago it wasn’t that simple. And who would be more deceptive than the goddess of foxes herself.

With a sigh, I set off towards my fathers house, a deep guilt pitting in my stomach. The coins Inari had given me would bring him happiness at least. It would be good to see his face light up knowing there was nothing to worry about now. I smiled. That would be worth all this.

As I hurried through the village, tail bouncing behind me, I let go of the worries chewing inside me.

And I wondered if I ever had a choice to begin with.