Jonas is being distant. Kara's instinct screams in alarm as days and months passes by with him becoming lukewarm towards her.
She does not like it.
They've been fighting.
She does not like fighting Jonas, but she cannot just ignore her suspicions. His warmth isn't there anymore. His passion sizzles out as each day pass.
His eyes are becoming dull and he does not like having any skin contact with her anymore.
She does not want to accuse him of having a mistress, of cheating on her. She wants to trust him just as she has always been doing for the time they've been together.
But she isn't so sure of it now.
Her world shatters when she sees him kissing a beautiful woman just outside of a hotel.
No, that isn't just kissing. That is making out, passionately, inside his car.
Maybe... Maybe it's just lust. Her mind locks on the thought that he had touched someone else, maybe even before this day. But there is still something bigger than that that panics her.
It's just lust. He's probably wanting to taste... another body. Maybe it was just a mistake?
It's not love.
Even though the thought hurts, that small hope manages to calm her down for a bit.
Even if apprehension is still there, lingering at her mind.
It's there. The softness in Jonas' eyes is there when he is looking at the woman. It is more than obvious even with just the photographs the person she hired to tail her husband had given her before he left with the rest of his payment.
There is gentleness in his eyes and the twinkle that she had thought disappeared is finally back.
Not for her, but for that woman. She chokes a sob.
Her heart shatters to tiny pieces.
He's gone.
Kara ignores the tears falling from her closed eyes. Without opening them, she moves her body to the other side of the bed and burrows her face on the pillow he used.
She should be used to this. This is not the first time he left, not the first time he secretly sneaked out in ungodly hours, but her heart doesn't learn. It keeps on hoping and falling for him all over again, just to be torn to pieces each time she manages to grasp a tiny bit of happiness.
He is the only person she ever loves this much, the person who manages to capture her heart. He is also the person that matters to him the most now that broke it without any hint of intention of fixing it.
He is cruel, but she cannot escape the hold he has over her.
He is her husband, yet she feels like she is the one who has to ask for even a little bit of his love when she had it all before.
She should be numb to this, she should have learned already, yet her heart still years only to be crushed as time goes by.
"Happy Anniversary," Jonas greets her with a smile upon her arrival to their house, his dimples appearing. She is frozen as she stares at him. He is holding a bouquet of roses as he gives her a kiss on her cheek. There is a candlelight dinner prepared on the dining room where he leads her on.
He cooked her favorite foods, had ordered her favorite baked cookies and gave her the book she had wanted to read.
Everything is surreal. It made her smile.
But her heart continues to be in pain and is bleeding without stop.
"I love you," she hears him softly say behind her while she is pretending to sleep with her back facing him.
It isn't for her. There was a pause before he speaks again in the same soft voice.
"This is our anniversary. I never miss it. If I leave, she'll suspect us. We could be jailed."
She remain still, eyes close and dry.
Her heart slowly turns cold.
He brought his girl in their home.
Kara looked at the two people sleeping peacefully inside their bed, naked and with a smile on both their faces.
She slowly backs up a step, turns around and left, all without making a sound.
This isn't her home anymore. This is just a house.
She's feeling numb.
Two years. She thought he would eventually grow tired of his woman.
He did not. Instead, it looks like they are growing strong.
She should let go. She should leave. What she has with Jonas right now is toxic.
But she cannot. She loves him too much.
She can't let him go.
Jonas and Kara Danvers. Husband and wife. Lives in the house they had both dreamed of. Having a home they had poured their efforts to build.
Yet, the home she thought would be warm became just pretty and sturdy bricks that shelters them from the unpredictable weather. They are like strangers acting out a scene of married life perfectly.
Both have secrets.
Yet it's only her who feels like dying as each day pass by.
She's silent. It hurts to speak. Whenever she tries, it's like something is clogging her throat. His touches becomes barb wires digging deeper inside her heart. His kisses are knives that repeatedly stab her heart without any mercy. Their lovemaking feels like acid that is eating away her sanity.
She knows she won't last long. She have to leave. It's the only solution.
But thinking of him being out of her life makes her want to kill herself.
Kara knows she gave all of herself to him and did not leave any for herself and it's too late for regrets.
The only thing she knows is she can't let him go.
She saw, with her own eyes, how he acts around that woman without the two knowing of her shadowing them.
The repeat pains and heartaches she experiences through these years of knowing she lost his love makes her almost numb to pain.
Almost.
Seeing that, and knowing that threatening to divorce him might only drive him further away from her, she made a decision.
She is willing to share.
It's been another two years since she made that decision and something is different.
Jonas... seems to be really giving effort in concealing his affair from her. What else should she think about except this?
He is slowly becoming closer to her again. Trying to be the husband he was before he met his new love. As if he notices his distance and absentmindedness from her.
She can't help but think: He really wants to make sure she won't suspect his affair.
It persists for another three years. She wants to hope but does not allow herself to feel it.
The pricks in her heart is becoming almost negligible.
It's already painful now. No need to further give herself any more deadly pain. It might just turn her crazy.
Cancer. She has cancer. Stage 4. Guess the Lord pitied her.
In a way, despite the horrible news, she feels thankful.
At least she will be gone first. She does not have to see him walk away from her. When she's gone, it'll be to the knowledge of him still being her husband till her death.
What he does after that is his choice. By then, she is willing to let him go.
Does it have to take her dying to get his full attention back to her?
Kara knows she already lost him long ago. Though he smiles at her, though he kisses her and touches her, his heart already belonged to another. Though he's trying to be closer to her once again and becoming her husband as before, she knows the truth will not change.
He's already gone. He isn't hers anymore and she does not think he ever will be again.
She had become used to it. Even the pain is already a familiar companion. The full and unrestrained loving attention she currently receives bewilders her, but she just rolls with it and accepts it with wide, open arms, her walls unconsciously breaking down.
It's a lie, Kara knows. His care is only because of his guilt. He is still her husband after all. They are still married. He has the responsibility to care for her.
But she cannot help it. The treacherous snare around him effectively catches her without any effort on his part.
She still loves him. It never left. It remains there deep inside her heart, burning ever so strongly despite the battering she receives.
She continues to fall, and she allowed herself to live in this beautiful illusion.
At least she will have this good memory before she left for good. At least she will still carry the thought that even if it is just probably a responsibility, she have him wholeheartedly.
Her strength fades as each day passes and the therapy isn't working. It's just prolonging her life and eating their money resources.
She isn't sad. She's happy.
She never thought a deadly sickness will be the key to giving her a good last memory.
Even if her suffering prolongs for some more moths.
It's time, she can feel it. Death is ready to take her and she's ready to accept it.
Jonas is the only person beside her in the hospital bed at the moment. She is an orphan and his family became her family. Currently, all of them are outside giving them some more privacy. Just like they always do when they visits.
No one really knows what their married life is like. Of what it became after.
Both her and Jonas even became actors in a ridiculous play that could go on forever. Both trying to make sure the other does not know their business.
He hides his relationship with her beloved woman from her while she hides the fact that she already knows.
They are a good husband and wife. She almost chuckles at her thoughts. Both have secrets and knows how to keep it well.
She's leaving though. It's time to come clean. It's time to let go.
Kara smiled genuinely at him, at this person that she never really fell out of love for, and it seems to have taken him aback.
Does he not realize that it's been too long since she ever smiled like this to him? Wide and genuine? Eyes clear and without any doubts and hesitation?
"Jonas..."
Immediately, he holds her weak hands, his grip tight yet gentle and secure, his warmth making her feel safe despite the circumstances.
"Kara..." his voice was soft and gentle, his eyes looking at her intently. She has his full focus. His eyes is its usual beautiful light, shining and full of devotion, just like the very first time they had been together.
It's beautiful.
Kara remembers where they started. The first time they had met each other and became friends. His sweet courting, the happy times together, their beautiful wedding, their heartwarming married life, until everything spiraled out of control.
Until her world was torn apart and she is left a shell of her previous self.
Although it is sad, she is now thankful that they hadn't been blessed by their child yet. She does not want any of her children to ever feel the pain she had felt.
She looks at him again, memorizing his face. The contour of his cheeks, the thin lips, his thick eyebrow, his slightly crooked nose and beautiful brown locks of hair.
She forces herself to touch his cheek, raising her other free hand even when the effort it took is immense. He holds her hand and pressed it where she wants to touch.
"I love you," she says, smile still on her face. She saw how his eyes flickers for a moment. She does not mind it, nor read the emotions quickly crossing on his face. "I love you so much that I can't live my life without you. Even imagining it is painful."
She takes a deep breath before she forces herself to sit up. Quickly, he helps her. She holds both sides of his face and gently kisses him. Soft and reassuring.
"I'm letting you go," she breaths out. Jonas blinks at her for a few seconds before he rapidly pales. He looks at her with wide, shock eyes.
"You..."
"You are free," she says, a smile still on her face. It is hard to maintain but she continues. She is slowly losing energy and she feels drained. She perseveres though. He needs to hear.
She needs him to know.
Despite all, she wants him to live his life happily after she's gone.
"You love her, right? I... will be going now," she gives him a smile.
Though she wants this, her heart still feels pain. Despite that, she continues. She had good memories. He had given her a parting gift she knows she will treasure. Setting him free will be her gift back to him.
Through her own mouth.
"Love her more than you did to me." He rapidly shooks his head though he still cannot seem to speak. She smiles at that. Although it pains her, it is the truth. There shall not be any lies between them now. It is unnecessary. "She managed to capture your heart despite me desperately holding onto it. I think... I think you were meant to be..."
It hurts.
Jonas looks frozen.
"I was just the person who took care of it while you are still looking for her."
She cannot keep his heart in her tight embrace. It just means one thing for her.
They aren't meant together.
"When...?" Jonas seems to be unable to fully speak sentences. His hands are shaking, eyes blown wide.
"I've known for a long time now."
And I've been dying everyday for so long too,she wants to say but does not. His eyes turns manic as he desperately looks at her before he... breaks down.
"How... How are you so kind to me?" he chokes, seemingly unable to say anything other than that confused, bewildered disbelief. For a man who rarely cries, Jonas tears up as he desperately holds both her hands.
"I am... not kind Jonas." She looks away from his eyes and stares outside the window of her hospital room. Her smile drops. "There were times I wanted to kill her for taking you away from me."
When she looks back at him, her smile returned. She wipes the tears falling down his cheeks.
"But I love you."
His mouth is opening and closing, as if he wants to say something to her but doesn't know where to start, doesn't even have any idea how and what to say first. His eyes concerts a lot of chaotic emotions that she cannot even pick them all up. She waits as patiently as she can for him to get himself together.
Suddenly, her strength left her without warning, as if her energy supply has been absolutely cut. She drops her hand, which he immediately captures in his hands again, eyes widening in panic.
Her life is draining fast.
"I... love you," she says with difficulty but full of conviction. He seems to be saying something to her, rapid and panic and desperate. She wants to listen, wants to know what he is trying to say, why he seems so desperate. But his voice seems so far away and her vision is also clouding. She gathers one last strength she has, all of it just to tell him what she wants him to know.
"... and I... want you to be... happy."
With that, Kara left the world with a smile on her face, not completely happy but at least content at her final moments.
Not knowing she left her husband filled with guilt that will haunt him for a long time and realization that... he was too late to confess.
That he strayed once.
That it took him a long time to get back to his senses.
That he already cut ties with that woman.
That he has been fully committed with his wife even before her diagnosis came in.
That he loves her too much that seeing her suffering everyday pains him.
And knowing that her knowledge of his affair and her probably thinking that even until this time he is still with her tortured her soul that she probably sees her death as release... cuts him up every single second and will continue until he finally dies.
He regrets being swept easily by temptation.
He regrets not saying anything.
He regrets not making any amends and properly fixing their relationship.
He regrets... He regrets a lot.
And it is too late to truly make amends.
His grief drowns him and his wife's kindness and selflessness and full, unabashed love cages him in a world of darkness.
His light left him.
His life will never be the same again.
- End.
A/N:
I don't want to say any opinion about this one. I do hope though this little story made you think at least.
Inspired by Filipino Song (OPM). Specifically in Himig Handog 2018. (Hello Filipinos!! Na.LSS talaga ako, lol.)
I hope you enjoyed reading!
