KATOU EMIKO AND KOJI won the Shizuoka Junior Music Contest, it said in a local newspaper.

The way that it was written made it look as if three people won, but Emiko is Katou’s first name.

That following Monday, even though I hadn’t said anything about it to anyone, it became quite the buzz at school.

“Is it true?” Saito asked. “Did you win in a music contest?”

“I was the runner-up,” I said.

“Woah! So you really are the guitar then…”

We were walking towards our classroom after lunchbreak.

“So what now?”

“Both the winner and runner-up go through to the Nationals. Where all prefectures—”

I was about to explain how the nationals worked, before he said, "Anyway, have I already told you about what happened at the lake this weekend? Hahaha, you're not gonna believe this."

Somewhere along the way I stopped listening to what he was saying. I cared about as little for his story as he cared for the answer to the question that he asked.

When he paused to see a reaction, I laughed.

An empty laugh.

Repeating this until his story was over.

* * *

The Nationals wouldn’t happen for another three months. During those three months something happened to me. Something I didn’t see coming, something I had been wishing for, something I had believed I was unworthy of.

It was during the period of Tanaka’s last few days at the orphanage. Little by little she was packing her stuff. Her boyfriend would help drive her stuff from here to their new house. On Friday, however, her boyfriend couldn’t make it and one of her friends helped her out.

“Jeez… all of them?” she asked Tanaka.

“Yes. All of them.”

They were talking about the many cups we had made over the years as a form of creative activity. We would all gather around the dinner table, knead clay in the form of a cup and decorate them when they were dried. We would always make three; one for ourselves and one for both Tanaka and Hibino.

Even though it wasn’t an obligation to make them, most of us always did. I hold the record for most cups made, quite the feat, no?

It was getting kind of awkward in the living room. I was used to seeing Tanaka’s boyfriend, so it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore when he paid us a visit. Though the same couldn’t be said about her friend, Miss Kuruno.

From her appearance I would guess she’s a little younger than Tanaka—in her early twenties.

One thing I had noticed about her was that she wore a ring. So she must’ve married young, I thought.

To avoid the unfamiliarity, I stood up from the sofa where most of us were sitting.

“I’ll be going to my room,” I said as I took my leave.

Once in my room I realised there’s nothing to do there. Downstairs I can be a help to our caretakers. Upstairs, I can sit on my bed. I can stare out the window. Or I could play the guitar.

I wanted to avoid doing the latter, since I didn’t want to attract attention. But don’t underestimate my mind’s wonderful rationalising when it comes to making me play the guitar. I suddenly thought that if I didn’t keep practising, I would fail in the Nationals.

I took my guitar and sat down on the ground. Freestyle, one of my favourite pop songs, or one of my originals. I was ready to play, but I didn’t know what to do.

Meanwhile, there was the following conversation going on beneath me.

“Must be hard on him,” Miss Kuruno said.

“…I know. He doesn’t want to show just how bad it hurts, though.”

“I can imagine…”

I decided to play a song I had in mind a little while ago. It has a very deep tone. When I touch the strings, it feels like I’m hurting them. The delicate, fragile strings are my heart. Every touch is one too much. If I put any more pressure on them, they would surely break.

“…Is he playing the guitar?”

“Yup! He’s really good at it, too. Does your husband still play?”

“Uh-huh! All the time! Do you mind if I go take a look?”

“I surely don’t… but I don’t know if he’ll like it.”

While I was playing my new song, which I had yet to name, Miss Kuruno was standing outside my room.

I didn’t know this of course, and played to my heart’s content. The depressive tone of my music really went well with the guitar qualities I had at the time.

When I stopped playing, I heard applause from the hallway. There wasn’t anyone who ever did that, so I quickly made the link as to who was standing outside.

Instead of moving on to the next song, I was thinking for a minute. I was a little too embarrassed to keep going, but on the other hand, if I didn’t play anything, would that be the same as saying ‘come in’?

I decided to just act as if she wasn’t there and played a popular song I liked. Bad move, I thought not even a second later.

“Ohh~ I love that song!”

After hearing her say that, my hunch was confirmed; it was certainly Miss Kuruno. This time I was too embarrassed to continue. She, as expected, found a way to take my silence as an invitation to my room. She knocked twice, “…Can I come in?”

I had my hand on my forehead, trapped.

“…Sure.”

She slowly pushed the door open. Saw me seated on the floor, copied it and sat down as well.

“I heard the song you were playing earlier. I love it when it comes on the radio. I’ve told my husband about it, he learned to play it for me. Oh, on the guitar, like you.”

This woman was quite the opposite of the boy I used to share that space with.

For a second, I understood what Tatsurou went through on a daily basis when we were younger.

“I kind of just busted in to listen to it,” she chuckled, “even though Mai told me not to come in.”

Mai is Tanaka’s first name.

“…Should I play it?”

She brought the palms of her hands together and her eyes shined like sparkling stars, “Please do!”

And thus, I played the song again. Well, that could count as the first time since the actual first time ended in mere seconds.

When I was done, she applauded again. Which just made it hard to do anything.

Should I smile? Say something?

I decided to just go with my gut and said, “The end.”

“‘The end’?” she started laughing, “But that was really good! How long have you been playing for.”

I took a second to think. I started out when I was seven.

“Almost seven years.”

After I spoke those words I came to the realisation that I had been playing for nearly half my life.

“Oh~ So this is your big passion, huh? Any hopes of making it big?”

I nodded. It would be too embarrassing to tell her about the specifics at that moment.

“Don’t give up on your dreams, okay? My husband gave up on his band to get a better job,” she sighed. “I guess I can’t really complain though… since it pays well and all.”

She seemed to be lost in thought for a moment before continuing, “Anyway, I’ll tell him about you. He still really loves everything about guitars and stuff.”

“…Okay.”

She stood up, “Sorry, I’ve been a little rude, haven’t I… I’ll go back to helping Mai.”

Right after she left my room she had a conversation with Tanaka that surely would’ve brought me to tears if I had heard it then.

“Say, Mai…”

“Yeah?”

“…Kuruno Koji… how does that sound?”

She dropped one of the clay cups she had crafted for herself. While picking up the bits and pieces she asked her friend, “Are you serious about this?”

She nodded her head repeatedly, “…Of course I’ll ask my husband first… but he’ll be here in about an hour to move all of this stuff… So I’ll ask him right away when he arrives.”

She described the look Tanaka had on her face as the most jovial she had ever seen her wear. A gleeful smile spread from ear to ear, “Thank you.”

Later she asked her not to tell me yet, getting my hopes up only to break them like a clay cup wouldn’t do young me any good.

When her husband, Mister Kuruno arrived with his car, I had long forgotten about miss Kuruno’s intrusion and the whole world for that matter. I was lost in the world that only existed in the palm of my little hands.

“Hm? You’ve got a little musician hiding in here?” Kuruno’s husband said the moment he entered the house. I believe it was one of my original songs I was playing over and over around the time he arrived.

“Yeah, that’s Koji!” Miss Kuruno took the plastic bag he was holding out of his hands, “What’s this?” she asked.

“From work…” he paused for a moment while his wife’s eyes were twinkling, staring at the goods inside, “You can eat it all.”

“Really? Thanks! Why’d you get all this, though?”

“Gifts from colleagues. I got the promotion to the office in Tokyo for next year.”

“Oh~ congrats!”

“Let’s get started with those boxes. Think I’ll be able to bring them over in a single drive?”

“Pretty sure, yeah. I’ll go get Tanaka.”

When Miss Kuruno was back in the living room where all the boxes were, Tanaka’s earlier expression got flipped upside-down.

“What’s wrong?” Kuruno asked her, concerned.

“A promotion, huh…”

“You heard that? Good, right?”

“Good… for you two.”

“…Seriously, what’s wrong? Why are you so sad all of a sudden?”

“Sorry, it’s just that we were talking about Koji earlier, and now that all goes up in smoke… again. Good that we didn’t tell Koji about it first…”

She sighed and said, “I haven’t asked my husband yet, have I? Don’t give your sorrow a head start, leave that for the hope.”

Her husband entered the room right as she started her sentence.

“Haven’t asked me what?”

She turned around, her confidence; substantial, “Perfect timing! I wanted to ask you something about Koji, the guitar boy upstairs.”

“Go ahead.”

“Remember when we talked about adoption before?”

“Ado—wha…?”

“…My infertility, we talked about it, right?” she whispered.

He scratched the side of his face, “Well, I didn’t think you were that serious about it. Don’t you think decisions like this need a bit more time?”

“…Just follow me.”

While I was still playing the guitar, they stood in front of my door, listening to me play.

“That’s… beautiful. How old is that kid?” he whispered.

“He turned thirteen a little while ago.”

“…Is he the one you wanted? He’ll be an adult in the flash of a second.”

“You’re not only a parent before adulthood. He’ll need a place he can call home and come back to. I lived with you and your parents before we got a place of our own, right? Parents are much more than educators for youth. They’re the pillar of support you can always fall back onto. They’re the only guaranteed source of unconditional love. Right now he has none of that.”

Mister Kuruno knocked on the door and opened it as soon as I let him know he could come in.

“…”

He turned his head around and whispered, “What’s his name again?”

“Koji.”

“Right…” he coughed, clearing his throat and restarted, “Koji. Can you help me out with the boxes please?”

“Ah, uh, sure,” I put the guitar aside, “…Just loading in the car?”

“Yes. Won’t take long.”

I followed him down the stairs into the living room where all the boxes were stacked. Each one of them was labelled with the exact items and their amounts. Neatly organising such things saves a ton of time and effort when it’s time to unpack again.

Bigger than the stacks of boxes was the atmosphere hanging in the room. Tanaka’s smile felt very forced, which was a rare sight. On top of that was Miss Kuruno acting odd, unlike earlier when she went to my room where it seemed as if she’d never find a moment to not say anything. Now she really wasn’t saying anything.

The husband told the two to leave the lifting to us. We carried the boxes outside and stacked them. When that was done, he opened his car and we started putting the boxes in.

Here he said the first word after the initial instructions, “You don’t have to answer, kid. But what are you doing here?”

“Am I doing something wrong?” I quickly asked to reassure my best efforts weren’t an inconvenience.

“I mean this place. How long you’ve been here for?”

His question left me in quietude for a moment. I was never directly confronted with the subject, since most people tip-toe around it, avoiding conflict at all costs. In a weird way it was refreshing to be asked about it.

“I was left at the hospital,” my answer was short, quiet and lingered around in the air, poking the parts of me where it hurts the most.

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright, I’m glad you asked. People don’t usually do that.”

“Guess I’m as odd as they come, heh.”

The last few boxes were put in the backseat of the car.

“All done. You wanna ride?”

I panicked again and mistook his ‘ride’ for ‘drive’, “Huh? Uh, no. I… I don’t have a licence yet.”

He put his hand on top of my head, “You’re as odd as they come, too, kiddo. Of course I’ll be the one behind the steering wheel.”

“…Right.”

“I’m kind of using you to avoid talking to the wife, sorry to bother.”

“That’s alright.”

If there’s one thing I can’t subdue, it’s my curious-side.

“...May I ask why?”

“I’ll tell you in the car. I’ll go in and out real quick, to tell them you’re coming with me.” He opened the car door of the passenger’s seat and said, “Go ahead and take a seat, I’ll be right back.”

He went back inside, this is when it started drizzling. For a minute I stared at the raindrops swimming their way down on the windshield. Placing my faith in one of them to be the one coming down first, only for it to merge with the one it was competing with.

Mister Kuruno returned with a thermos with a coffee cup lid on it, so he could directly drink from it instead of having to pour it into the cap.

“Portable coffee that will stay warm,” he said. “This is the invention of the century. Do you drink coffee?” he asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t like bitter things that much.”

“Figures. You’re still young after all.”

'Young', huh.

He started the car, turned on the windshield wipers and we drove off, en route towards Tanaka’s new residence.

Seated next to him I felt oddly at ease. Normally I tend to get nervous around strangers, especially one on one. Earlier, too, I was panicking at his every comment. All of that seemed to have faded away the moment we sat down in the car.

“You play the guitar, too, huh.”

“Yes. I heard from Miss Kuruno that you play it as well.”

The slightest of smiles made an appearance on his face, “Sure do. I started out when I was seven, haven’t put it down since.”

“Me too!” I got a little overexcited at the coincidence, “I also started when I was seven years old.”

He turned the radio’s volume higher when an unfamiliar song started playing.

“Hear that kiddo? This is what I lived for.”

The song that was playing had a very upbeat melody, but when I listened closely, it had melancholic lyrics.

“I think it’s pretty good, though I haven’t heard it before.”

He tittered, “Of course not. It’s an old song from my band.”

Miss Kuruno had told me that he gave up on the band in pursuit of a better job. I asked him, “Do you regret it?” without really thinking whether he knew that I knew.

He laughed again, “I never will. Listen, when you make a decision with permanent consequences, you can never look back. Decision’s been made, nothing you can do about it. Regret is a waste of time. There’s plenty of things I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for that decision in particular.”

He silently added, “I’m speaking like my wife now.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the remark.

Not much else was said until we reached Tanaka’s house. He opened the garage with the key he was given. We placed all the boxes from the car into the garage.

When all of that was done, we got back into the car, headed to the orphanage again.

“Say, kid. You’ve still got hopes for adoption?”

His questions, those most people wouldn’t dare to ask, never failed to throw me off guard. “…Honestly, I don’t.”

“Good,” he said.

He hit the brakes to let an old lady cross the road. Silence for as long as she walked. The drizzle was slowly turning into a downpour. He turned the speed of the windshield wipers faster, then, when we started driving again, he continued, “Realistic expectations will leave next to no room for disappointment.”

I nodded. I agreed word for word with what he said.

“Realistic expectations will amplify the effect surprises will have on you.”

I nodded again. He was a young man in his early twenties like Tanaka and his wife, but sounded like an old wise man that you’d find living in a temple.

“Do you like surprises, kid?”

“Uh, sure?”

“Good.”

We stopped at a red light. Silence fell upon us again. It was as if his speaking patterns aligned with the traffic he found himself in.

I looked at the windshield wipers wiping back and forth over the glass. The more they wiped, the more it seemed to rain.

The lights turned green, his right foot pressed against the accelerator and he turned his head slightly to the side, looking at me through the corners of his eyes.

“Call me dad from now on, Koji. Call my wife mom.”

The never-ending rain on the way home that will serve as my lullaby at night. The bitter smell and taste of coffee that someday I’ll adore.

That moment, right there and then, my silver lining in the cloudy life I had lived.

Now, I watch the rain from the distance, appreciating the scenery. I can take a sip of a cup filled with those distant days and accept all flavours it holds.

My body was frozen in the car seat and my eyes were opened wide. Yet, I couldn’t see a thing through the lens of collective teardrops in my eyes.

“Thank you.”

I wiped them away, but the more I did, the more I cried.

“Thank you so much!”

A married couple, the Kuruno family, twelve years older than I am, decided to adopt someone like me.

Miss Kuruno, who I call mom now, is infertile and had always caught interest in adoption. Never in a million years would she have thought it would be a thirteen year old boy, though.

There were a lot of changes I could look forward to. A new environment to live in. Mister Kuruno, dad, plays the guitar, just like I do. I couldn’t wait to learn from him.

Maybe the biggest of changes, at least in my heart, was that for the first time in my life I would be using the words ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ to refer to mine.

Unlike my old peers, I couldn’t move away in a heartbeat. Before I would move in with the Kurunos, there was another big event happening in my life; the Nationals.

Even if I didn’t live with them just yet, I could—just like Nomura—carry the last name with pride.

Time for a reintroduction perhaps… I’m no longer the guitar, I am Kuruno Koji!