MY DAYS OF BEING a mini-celebrity were anything but short-lived. Sometimes I got recognised on the street, in stores and other places as well. At school, too, everyone was talking about it.

During the winter of that year, I got asked to make a love song by my producer. I got a contract deal after winning the junior contest. But now I was asked something far out of my arsenal of qualities.

“A love song…?” I looked my producer in the eyes. “Why…?”

“You see, little Koji. You’ve garnered quite the female audience, you know?”

“Eh?” Flushed cheeks paired with clunky, awkward hand gestures. “Me?”

“Yes. So, for these cold winter days that can only be warmed by loves embrace,” he was putting in a lot of emotion for dramatic effect. “I need you. No… we need you, to make a heart-warming love song.”

“I’ve never made one before,” I said. “I don’t think it’s something I’ll be good at, either.”

“Have some confidence in your craft. You’re as good as they come for your age. If you get stuck, I’ll pair you up with some experienced writer who’ll help you along the way. Sounds like a deal?”

“…I don’t know. I still don’t think I have a love song sort of guitar-style.”

“Listen. Why don’t you just think about it. Give me one day,” he held up his index finger. “Try to make a love song in one day. If it has no potential, we’ll forget about it.”

“Alright, I’ll try.”

I gave it my best shot, I really did. But it wasn’t any good. When I returned to the studio two days later with the results, the producer lacked any of the disappointment I thought he would have.

“See, Koji. This has potential. If we boost your love for love songs, you’ll get good at making them in no time.” He snapped his fingers, “Let’s get right to work.”

For the remainder of that day we tried coming up with something, but no success… not that I expected anything else. I was ready to give up on this idea as soon as he would insist, but he didn’t, he chose to persist and keep me going at the love song.

At the end of that day, he gave me some CDs filled with romantic songs before I headed out, back to the orphanage. These were my last few months there, before moving into the Kuruno house in Tokyo.

I would be finishing my second year of middle school in Shizuoka before moving. It would reduce the amount of complications that way.

In some way, it allowed me to enjoy being at the orphanage just a little longer. Appreciate the place I grew up in, giving Hibino a hand until she gets a real caretaker as assistance and telling the younger ones that I hope they find loving families as well.

They didn’t need to hear the phrase, “If you’re not gone by five, you’ll be staying for life” pessimistic thinking is of no use.

When I arrived home, late in the evening when all others were already in bed, I shared my troubles with Hibino even though I hadn’t initially intended on doing so.

“Hibino…”

I sat next to her in the couch. At the troubled sound of my voice, she closed the paperback she was reading, put it on her lap and turned her head.

“What’s wrong?”

“How do I go about writing a love song?”

She seemed awfully amused hearing that, “My-my, is little Koji in love?”

I knew that the conversation going this way was inevitable. I dropped my head and sighed, “…It’s not that. I’m writing a love song with my producer, but it’s not really going well.”

She held her finger on her lip, stared at the ceiling and let out a hmmm-sound.

“Have you ever been in love before?” she asked me.

I gestured both my hands to the left, “Can we make this conversation about the song,” then moved my hands to the right. “And not about me…”

“Well, if you’re the one making the song, your own feelings are very important, you know.”

I didn’t want to admit it, but she had a point.

“You can’t go with a one-song-fits-all approach. If there’s no individuality in your love song, it won’t be any good.”

She leaned a bit closer and asked, “So, tell me Koji, have you ever been in love?”

“…Maybe.”

She started giggling, “With who?”

I didn’t say a word. Anything I would’ve said could, and would’ve been used against me to toy with me.

She pointed her finger at herself, “Was it me?”

“…I should’ve asked someone else for help.”

“Aw… you’re too cold to me.”

“And you’re too old for me.”

She let out a roar of a laugh, “You’ve been in a good mood these days.” Then she suddenly leaned forward again and flicked her finger against my forehead, “But don’t go calling a maiden old!” She fell back into the couch and whispered underneath her breath, “I haven’t even turned thirty yet.”

She took the book out of her lap, stood up and placed it on the low table. When she sat down again, she intensely gazed at me.

“Let’s get to work with this love song, shall we?”

I nodded. “Do you have any ideas?”

“Let’s go with your ‘maybe’.”

I looked beyond puzzled, “My ‘maybe’?”

“Uncertainty. You’re a young boy, it will sound cuter if you’re not sure whether what you’re feeling is love or not.”

“I don’t want to sound cute,” I immediately made clear.

“You’re a young boy making a love song. People like me will find it cute regardless of how you want it to sound.”

I felt like she was right again, though, once more, I didn’t want to verbally admit it.

“So I should sound uncertain on purpose…”

“Exactly! A little in love or something, sounds good, right?”

I wasn’t attentively listening to what she was saying, I was lost in the words swimming through my mind. Then I let the melodic sounding words in my mind slip out of my mouth, “I may be in love… maybe in love…”

“That’s it!” Hibino cheered. “Sing that again!”

“…I may be in love… maybe in love…”

“That’s perfect! You can use that as part of the chorus, no?”

I brought my fist in front of my mouth and mumbled, “I don’t dislike it, I guess.”

“Your producer will like it, I’m sure of it!”

“Are you sure it’s good enough?”

“The uncertainty shows how pure of a boy you are. Say, how much longer do you have until the song needs to be finished?”

“Two days.”

“Two?! Well, we’ll have to come up with a little more than that then.”

During that evening, we came up with some more lines I could potentially use in my love song. I used some personal feelings to give the song more individuality like Hibino had suggested.

The following day, I showed my progress to my producer.

“…Koji,” he gazed deeply into my eyes. “This is brilliant! Uncertainty… that’ll work well. If you keep things up at this pace, we’ll be done with this song before the deadline!”

We kept working on the lyrics all day. Most of it was my work, but he was a great help with filling in the gaps where I got lost. He also instructed that the chorus should be as catchy as possible. I think we did a good job at that. In his words, “The song portrays your youthful uncertainty. The people will love it.”

On deadline-day, it was time to record the song. I had been practising in the morning. Now, a short while after noon, I would be officially recording it.

I strummed a little melody repeatedly before singing with a soft voice.

First thing in the morning
All I think about is you
My heart drums with a yearning
And it’s not sure what to do

On my way to school
No idea what my friends say
My head, spinning like a whirlpool
Cause all I have on my mind, is you everyday

The tempo slightly decreased, my voice ever so soft.

When I close my eyes
I can still see you there
It's time that I break the ice
Though I don't really dare

Loud strumming followed by a more passionate voice for the chorus;

I may be in love, maybe in love
There's nothing I can do
I can't help but fall for you

I may be in love, maybe in love
No thing that I can hide from you
Please, oh, please love me, too

 

End of the chorus, it was time for the second verse. I sang again with the soft voice I used at the start.

Every little thing you do
Makes my heart skip a beat
I don't know what to do
But it feels like a dream come to me

I see you walk by
My heart just stops and stares
I'm not sure if I can try
To let you know how much I care

 

Slowing the tempo down once again, the pre-chorus followed.

When I close my eyes
I can still see you there
It's time that I break the ice
Though I don't really dare

 

Increasing the volume, both my guitar and my voice.

I may be in love, maybe in love
There's nothing I can do
I can't help but fall for you

I may be in love, maybe in love
No thing that I can hide from you
Please, oh, please love me, too

 

Then followed the bridge towards the chorus. The gentle sound of my voice accompanied by a guitar that copies my tone.

I know I might be foolish
But I can't help the way I feel
I just hope that you'll notice
And your heart can be revealed

 

This time, the chorus was sung in the softer voice and the lower tempo as well.

I may be in love, maybe in love
There's nothing I can do
I can't help but fall for you

I may be in love, maybe in love
No thing that I can hide from you
Please, oh, please love me, too

 

The final part, a gentle ending to the song.

I wanna say it…
but I can't bring myself to~
…I may be in love with you

The song was finished. I hoped that the producer's patience with me would turn into a success. He bet all the time he had on me making a love song that would become a radio hit. Which luckily, it did.

It had been two weeks since the song was finished when I was helping Hibino out with making dinner. The radio in the kitchen was always on when she was cooking.

After a song ended, the radio DJ said, “It’s cold outside. It’s Thursday. Not many good things could come of such days, right? Well… wrong! Remember Koji, the Junior Musician? He’s brought out… a love song…” he put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘love’. “Have a listen to Koji’s new song, May Be in Love!”

“It’s your song Koij!” Hibino squealed. “Aw, it’s so good!”

She declared it good before I sung the first line.

“…Thanks. It’s yet to start.”

I wasn’t sure how to feel hearing my own music on the radio. I was proud… but embarrassed all the same. Especially since it’s a love song.

When my song finally ended, Hibino was in tears.

“That was so good, Koji!”

After dinner that day, I went to my room to finally play a song that fits my qualities. Something with deep sounding notes.

I took my guitar, sat down on the floor and started playing.

…But it was no good.

I put my guitar aside and looked through my sheet music. I selected all the ones that sounded dramatic, depressive or both. When I had a little collection ready, I sat down again with my guitar and started playing.

Not a single sound coming out of my guitar was to my liking. It’s not that I was playing the notes wrong, it’s just that I couldn’t feel it. The delicate strings of my heart didn’t ring the sounds they used to.

I couldn’t get the sound I desired out of any of my selected songs, so I decided to try playing a song of my own. Maybe I shouldn’t have, because being unable to play that was the biggest blow.

Why can’t I play hollow me?

After asking myself that, I figured it out quite quickly. I couldn’t play it because I didn’t feel hollow at all anymore. I was happy, very happy. It felt like everything that was once wrong with my life started falling into place.

As my fallen-apart life had been restoring itself into a solid state, my greatest sounding music was what was falling apart this time.

I put my guitar aside and didn’t play for the remainder of that day.