STANDING STILL for as long as the second hand circling the dial. Ticking a minute away. Though that minute equalled aeons as I lived through all the memories leading me to this place.

The snow didn’t let up. Neither did the niveous breeze. Winter was never my favourite season.

The cold weather froze my body and its motion. Even after realising I had been standing still, I still couldn’t bring myself to move. The snowfall slowly piled up. The night sky grew darker. The tree looked as bare and lifeless as I’d assume my face to be. I lacked the courage to take action. I lacked the courage to apologise. I raised my head towards the night sky again.

It’s getting late.

Snowfall piling up. The night grew darker. Snowfall summoned out of the ebony sky. Bare tree. Recreant me. The dark scene brightened by the luminous snow.

How would I ever face Fuyuko?

After she had been gone for a good while, I made my way out of the park as well. Returning to the orphanage.

Standing in front of the door, I thought it might be too late to ring the doorbell. I wouldn’t want to wake anyone up. I took a few steps sideways and gently knocked on the window, hard enough to be heard, but soft enough to not damage anything.

When the door opened this time, it was Hibino who opened it. “Long time no see, Koji,” she said, without making eye contact.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice resounding defeat. I had been set-up. “It’s been a while.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

I walked inside, took my shoes off and went to the living room. Sighing as I sat down in the sofa where I usually sat back in the day.

Hibino sat down next to me, same spot as well.

“…Why?” I asked her.

“After your song came out about a week ago, Fuyuko visited and asked me if I could ask you to come over, not letting you know that she would be here as well. I didn’t want all of this to seem like a set-up, so I didn’t. But when your mother called me today, letting me know you would be visiting… I told Fuyuko about it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I sighed. Even if she hadn’t set this up, it would’ve eventually come down to this.

I decided to deal with my conflicting emotions later. I came here to see Hibino again, not to be as gloomy as tonight’s starless sky. “Anyway, how have you been?”

She smiled a smile lacking any form of happiness. “Still looking for a new caretaker after all these years without Tanaka. But, hey, on a positive note, I got to see both you and Fuyuko again.”

My attempt at lightening the mood backfired as I accidentally made her bring that up. I wish I could find a way to help her with that.

“Koji, don’t look so down. Everything’ll be alright over here. So, how have you been?”

I told her about how things have been. Slowly, but surely, the mood got more relaxed, the way it had been in the past.

We ended up losing track of time and the last train back to Tokyo had already left.

“I completely forgot about the train back,” I said.

“It’s okay. Just make sure to call your parents and tell them you’re coming back tomorrow morning.”

“Alright.”

I had called mom earlier when I left Katou’s house, to tell her I’d probably be late.

I stood up and called her again. For some reason, whenever I’m calling someone, I start pacing around the room.

“Hey mom. I missed the last train home. Is it okay if I come back tomorrow morning?”

“…Last train?” She asked. “I thought dad would already be there… no wonder he hasn’t called yet.”

“Huh…? Oh, is dad coming to pick me up?”

“Yup, he should be there soon.”

“Oh, alright. I guess I was worrying about the last train for nothing then haha.” I heard her yawn over the phone. “You can go to bed if you’re tired, you know? I’ll make sure we enter the house quietly.”

“It’s okay, Koji. I’ll stay up. See you in a bit.”

“Don’t force yourself, okay? See you.”

I ended the call and sat down in the sofa again. “Apparently dad is on his way to pick me up. He could be here any moment.”

Five minutes went by. Five more. Then twenty. I got up from the sofa and looked through the window behind the curtains. The snow got heavier and I got more worried. Nearly half an hour had gone by since I called mom, but dad was still not here.

I tried calling dad, but after all the beeps, he didn’t pick up the phone. I sighed, which signalled my worry to Hibino.

“Let’s try calling your mom again, alright?”

I opened my phone again, called my mom, but as I had thought, she probably fell asleep, since she didn’t pick up the phone either.

The words I only ever heard mom say reverberated in my mind in her voice, “Don’t give your sorrow a head start… leave that for the hope.”

I wanted to put all my trust in her words, but I couldn't feel any hope left in me.

I knew I wouldn’t be going home.

All I could hope for was that nothing bad happened to dad, but since he’s been on his way here for so long, especially in this kind of weather, I couldn’t help but assume the worst.

* * *

At sometime during that night, both Hibino and I had fallen asleep. When slowly opening my eyes, I could see the morning sun shine through the gaps between the curtains. The thing that woke me up was the sound of the doorbell. Though it took me a moment to let everything that happened last night kick in.

I got up from the sofa, the tears were already rolling down my eyes.

I opened the door and saw mom standing there, teary eyes as well. I didn’t say a word. She didn’t say anything either. I put on my shoes and followed her outside, not in the direction of the station. Surely, we were headed to the hospital.

After the quiet walk, where every step broke me more than the one before, we had arrived at the place I knew we were headed.

The automatic doors opened. We sat down in the reception area. That’s when mom first said something.

“We can’t see him yet. He’s in the intensive care right now.” Her voice was shaky and sounded as if she could break down in tears again at any moment.

I glanced at the directory signs and saw that the Intensive Care was on the ground floor. I quickly jumped up and took off.

“Koji!” Mom yelled my name, but I didn’t stop running. I wanted to make sure with my own eyes that dad was alright.

I ran through the hallways, following the signs. At a sudden left turn, I stumbled and fell, sliding my knees over the ground. It would’ve, and should’ve hurt normally, but now, the only pain I feel is this lump in my throat.

I kept running. Ignoring every doctor and nurse trying to stop me. Until I got trapped by three people.

“I’m sorry kid, but we can’t let you go through.”

“Wh—where,” it was hard getting my words out. I tried again, much louder this time, “Where is Mister Kuruno?!”

A doctor came out of the door nearby and ran over to us.

“What’s happening over here?”

“Where is Mister Kuruno?!” I loudly repeated.

The doctor’s face got very uneasy, “You must be his little brother. I’m sorry, but—”

I didn’t bother letting him finish. Now that I knew where dad was, I pushed my way through the doctors and nurses trying to stop me.

“Not again!” One of them screamed.

I grabbed the doorhandle and swung open the door of the room.

Once inside, the room was quiet. Nothing but the sound of the machines beeping. I walked closer to his bed. His face was pale, his arms and fingers were all attached to machines. So was his mouth. The rest of his body was entirely covered. He looked as lifeless as a bare winter tree.

I slowly reached for his hand. I held it tightly in mine. It was cold. Then he opened his eyes. They had a twinkle in them, the only part of him that looked alive was that luminous twinkle like snowfall in a starless night sky.

The breathing machine wasn’t there anymore and he said, softly but clear, “Everything will be alright. No need to cry, kiddo.”

I tightened my grasp on his hands. When suddenly I got pulled by my shoulder, I saw the machine reappear on his mouth and his eyes were shut.

Everything that sprinkled hope in the air, got destroyed by the harsh ways of reality.

I couldn’t recall a single thing that happened until I was back home in my bed. Laying down, staring at the ceiling.

The curtains where still opened, it was night again. But I couldn’t sleep.

I cried again.

No matter how much I did, it didn’t take my mind off the bad thoughts I had. After the accident, dad was placed into an induced coma… with little chance of survival.

In an attempt to feel a little better, even for a fleeting second, I tried playing the guitar.

I took my guitar, sat down in front of the window and started playing a song that reflected exactly how I felt.

The sad melody that expressed in how many pieces my heart has been broken.

I started singing in a slow and soft voice.

“‘No need to cry, kiddo.’
The final words you said
If only I could hear you call me that
A million times more

If only I could've cherished that
Which now can't be cherished anymore

Was I the son you wanted
For the father you wanted to be

Will I ever become the clever musician
You've always . . . seen in me

I—
Don't think I can get used
to this
I will never get used
to this

When we cross paths again
It'll be my turn for story time
I'll tell you all about what happened
After your time

The good, the bad, the sad
All my memories
I'll make sure
It'll be the best story you will ever hear

I—
Don't think I'll get used
to this
One day I'll have to get used
to this

In the hospital bed
Everything was covered but your head
And your arm stuck to machines

You looked anything but alive
Everything, except the luminous twinkle in your eyes

And there’s so much I have left to say
Yet there was not a single word I could formalise
I guess I will never be
Any good at good-byes

I—
Don't think I'll get used
to this
I don't want to get used
to this

But if I ever manage to get used to this
It's only because I miss
The good ways that it used to be
The good days of you and mom
And me”

When the improvised song came to its end, I felt mom’s sudden embrace from behind.

“Koji, what do I always tell you?”

I turned my head around, looking at her with my teary eyes.

“Don’t give your sorrow a head start,” she said.

“—Leave that for the hope,” I continued.

* * *

Life often moves by like a spider on the wall. When you look at it, you see it slowly moving around at a consistent pace, but the moment you look away for a second, it’s gone.

That’s how it is with time as well.

Though these days, the time ticks by so slowly and I fear every next second.

It’s been a week since dad was hospitalised. The chances of his survival have significantly increased, but never had the doctors said that they were high. If I improve my grades from one out of a hundred to three out of a hundred, then that’s a 200% increase, which is significantly high percentage wise, but not high at all when you look at the bigger picture.

I was still worried to death, and couldn’t fully put my mind to anything I did.

At school, I was absently present. Not paying attention to classes, nor my friends. Yesterday, I didn’t work on a new song. I didn’t even leave the house.

And today, too. It was late in the afternoon and I was doing nothing again.

Realising this, I stood up and turned on the radio. Not that that’s productive at all, but at least that counts as doing “something”.

My timing couldn’t be better, since I heard the radio DJ say, “Hope you’re having a lovely afternoon. The following song is Katou Emiko’s new original, called ‘Neon Nights’. We’ll be listening to it for the first time here. Let’s have a listen, shall we?”

The song was overall a pretty good one. Though it lacked everything that made Katou’s songs “Katou songs”. The lack of her unique touch made me fear that it wouldn’t do that well with her fans.

* * *

A week later, my hunch was proven right. This song was Katou’s first to be considered a “flop”.

But more importantly, dad was finally breathing on his own again. Normally, we’d be able to talk with him again tomorrow. Things truly were as mom had always said. It’s futile to be sorrowful beforehand. All you can do in situations like these, is hope.

Today’s a Saturday where I will be showing up to the studio. I still have that Fuyuko problem to deal with and surely the producer is already thinking about my next steps. Still, I was surprisingly in a good mood for the first time in a long while.

When I arrived, I decided to tell him straightaway what was going on and how I wanted my next song to be about my dad.

“I see. I’m sorry to hear that…”

“It’s alright. The situation took a turn for the better and he’s now breathing on his own again. So he’ll hopefully be fully recovering soon.”

“That’s a lot better to hear. I think your idea is a pretty good one. It’s a shame that I won’t be the one you’ll be working with.”

“…Huh?”

He stood up from the folding chair, put it back against the wall and said, “I’ll be—most likely—losing my job today.”

I still couldn’t formulate anything other than the sound, “Wha?”

“Have you ever heard of the Swagger Squad?”

If I remember it correctly, they’re a rap group that Hiroto sometimes listens to. “They’re a rap group aren’t they?”

“Correct. They’re after our Hiroto Morita. They want him in their group,” he sighed. “On top of that, Katou’s last song didn’t do well at all. Kashimoto hasn’t been too active outside your group. You’re doing too well for someone like me to handle… and we’re probably losing LuNA, too. She’s way too good for us to begin with…” he sighed again. “I didn’t mean to spout this all out at you, especially after hearing what you’ve been going through… but I also don’t want to leave you in the dust.”

I nodded. “I get it… but isn’t there anything we can do to fix this situation?”

“If we can fix all of those problems by the end of the day…” he suddenly stopped speaking. “You know what, Koji? You’ve done more than enough for me. It’s been such a joy making music together. And the higher-ups are right. You’re too good for me. It was fun while it lasted, but alas, it has to come to an end.”

“Do you really believe that?” I asked him.

“…Koji—”

“I won’t let it end here,” I stood up and left the room. Fixing the first problem was simple. I took my phone out of my pocket and called Hiroto.

After a single beep, he picked it up, “Kuru… no, Koji! What’s got you calling me out of the blue? Is there any way I can be helpful to you?”

“I’m calling you because I heard about Swagger Squad… is it true that they want you as part of their group?”

“Yeah, don’t you think that’s crazy, too? But no worries, I’ll always stay loyal to you. We’re the Disposables after all, even though compared to the Swagger Squad, we’re rather small. I’m still full in on this journey to hit it big with y’all!”

I sighed out of relief, “I’m glad to hear that. Want me to make that clear to the higher-ups as well? They think you’re a goner already.”

“Huh, they do? Crazy, can’t believe it. I would never betray my friends for some Swagger Squad Shi—”

I hung up the call before he could say that last word. I already had a hunch that it was all just a bunch of rumours and that nothing was set in stone.

That was one problem tackled. Next up, I was going to talk with LuNA. Maybe her leaving was all rumour, no fact as well.

I went to her room, but she wasn’t there. Well, when you’re as big as her, I guess you can come whenever you desire to.

Somewhere in the hallways, I sat down on a couch, thinking of how I could tackle all my remaining problems at once. That’s when the craziest of ideas hit me. Kashimoto hasn’t been in the picture enough, Morita needs to clear the rumours about his leave, and so does LuNA if they happen to be just rumours as well. And for Katou… I’ll have to make sure she’ll return to her best self, too.

As crazy as my idea is, if I could bring all of us together on a single song, maybe then I could save the producer’s job.

I decided to go downstairs to the receptionists. I asked one of them there if they happened to know whether LuNA was present today. As I’d thought before, she wasn’t, but they did give me her number.

Which I immediately tried calling. After the first couple of beeps I thought she wouldn’t pick up, but at the last one, “LuNA speaking. Who is this?”

“Waiting for the last beep to pick the phone up. You’re not busy I assume?”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Please don’t!”

“What do you want?”

Without stating my name, she seemed to have a clear picture of who she was talking to.

“Are you leaving us?” I asked, not realising how dramatic that sounded.

“Wasn’t sure, but you’ve convinced me to leave.”

“So that means you’re not leaving yet, right? I have a proposal. We’re in a bit of a pinch right now, and I was wondering if you wanted to make a song with me again. This time with Morita Hiroto, Kashimoto Hideo and Emiko Katou… how does that sound?”

“Utterly ridiculous,” she said, with no hesitation.

“Wait, I haven’t told you everything just yet.”

I actually did, but I had to come up with something to reel her in. “We’ll be performing that song during my first ever concert.”

There was a little pause. Perhaps she was considering it after hearing that.

“How big will your concert be?”

I was thinking about realistic options, but I also had to keep in mind that if she considered it too low for her standards, she’d definitely hang up the phone.

“Very big,” I said to stall and think a bit more.

“Very funny, where will it be?”

“Uh… Tokyo Dome.”

Tokyo Dome, the largest concert stadium in Tokyo. I regretted saying it the moment I did.

“I’m in. Let me in on the details later.” She hung up the phone.

I either get a concert in the Tokyo Dome… or I have to tell LuNA I was lying…

I decided to try my luck, and went back to my producer’s office.

“I called with Hiroto and LuNA. Both of them are staying… though I’ll need a little favour from you if we want to keep LuNA.”

“Hm? What is it?”

“A concert—”

“That much we could do,” he said.

“—At the Tokyo Dome.”

We both stared at one another, silently so. It was so quiet that I was imagining the sound of our blinking.

“…Koji,” he said as he dropped his head. “You’re asking too much of me. The higher-ups would never agree.”

“We don’t know until we ask, right?”

“I’m afraid they wouldn’t even consider it.”

“Then…” I thought for a second. “What about this approach: we finish my new song by the end of the day, we’ll let them hear it. You’ll get to keep your job for a while longer and then we use that as an opportunity so you can prove yourself to them.”

He was hesitant to say anything, so I continued, “And if the song is a success, it’ll increase our chances for a concert, doesn’t it?”

He sighed, then smiled. “You’re really something, Koji. Alright, let’s give it a shot.”

We pumped the next few hours of the day into making the song. I already had the guitar part and the lyrics ready, so all in all, it wasn’t too hard to bring it to the finish line.

I ended up calling it “Luminous”.

When that was done, we let our big boss listen to it, asking for a final chance for my producer.

“I have to say, you’ve pleasantly surprised me. The song is sublime, really emotional.” He looked at my producer. “If you can keep this level, and even level up, then maybe you are the right man for the job.”

“Thank you very much, sir,” he bowed. “I will not disappoint you again.”

Here’s where I cued in my proposal, “Sir, if this song does well... would you allow me to have my first ever concert?”

He firmly nodded his head, “Sure.”

“In the Tokyo Dome?”

“That’s a joke, right?”

“It’s not, sir,” I said. “I want to make a big song with lots of young talent and show it on the biggest stage.”

He tapped his fingers on his desk and caressed his beard beneath the bottom of his chin.

“Three weeks,” he said. “Three weeks at the number one spot in the Oricon Charts. Then we’ll speak again.”

He gestured his hand to the door, telling us to leave.

Three weeks at the number one spot…

In the hallways I asked, “Has LuNA ever reached the top spot?”

He looked at the ceiling. “Hmm, I believe that Umbrageous Embrace was at number one for two weeks. I don’t think any other song has been number one, but certainly not longer than two weeks.”

If I want my plan to go through… I’ll need to outperform LuNA’s best song…

“Do you think Luminous can beat it?”

He lowered his gaze from the ceiling to my face and said, “Yes. I’m sure of it.”