I woke up to an intoxicating aroma. I ran downstairs in my t-shirt and black skull pajama pants. My older sister was flipping a pancake. She spotted me and called out, “Morning sis!” 

 

I was ecstatic when I heard her say that. Yesterday wasn’t a dream. I really was a girl now. My smile was so wide I looked like a slit watermelon as I sat down at the counter. 

 

Sherri put the two stacks of flapjacks down with a satisfying clack on the granite. “They’re strawberry,” she added. I was about to dig in when she stopped me. “Wait,” she said as she got up to go to the refrigerator. She came back with the syrup and whipped cream. After giving me a healthy serving of syrup she made a design with the whipped cream. Instead of the classic smiley face, she made the smile plump and feminine lips. She was pleased with herself and I was just as happy.

 

About halfway through the stack I noticed she was keeping up with me. That was nice, she used to eat so slow this past year. She put her fork down and took my hand to stop me. “What is it?” I asked. 

 

She said, “We’ve gotta come up with a name for you.” 

 

I stuttered, “Oh, oh yeah I guess I do need one of those.”

 

Sherri brought her hands back and rested her head on them. She offered, “Well, what do you think about Brianna?”

 

“Ehhh,” I shrugged and shook my head, “I don’t think I want a name like that. I don’t think I want it to be, like, recognizable.”

 

She nodded slowly. “Ahh, you want to go stealth.” She offered. 

 

I tilted my head and asked, “What’s that?”

 

“Stealth is where you don’t really reveal you are trans to the outside world. People would just see you as a girl instead of specifically a trans girl.” Sherri explained.

 

I nodded a few times as I answered, “Yeah yeah yeah, I want that, I don’t want the guys who I used to know to, like, know who I am.” The weight of the words trailed in my mouth. 

 

Sherri came over and wrapped an arm around me. She assured me, “Hey, it’s gonna be okay. I can’t guarantee no one will recognize you but I promise you,” she turned me to look directly in my eyes as she said, “You will be safe and I won’t let anyone get away with hurting you.” She pulled me into a hug and I just sunk into her arms.

 

When I was done with the hug, she pulled out her phone. She offered, “How about we look at a baby name site?” She continued as she typed the site up, “I’ll go down the list of names and you stop me when you hear one that works.” I gave two small nods and she began, “Ava, Amelia, Alice, Anna, Abby, Allison, Amanda, Ashley, Alexa— “

 

“Stop!” I put my hand up, “I think I like that one.” I mulled it over for a bit. “Allllexa, Allllexaaaa. I like the way the ‘L’ rolls on my tongue, and the ‘X’ is kinda sharp. You don’t see enough ‘X’s.” 

 

Sherri added, “You could also use Allie or Lexi with it.” 

 

“Maybe. I’ll mull it over.” I turned to finish my pancakes and Sherri returned to finish hers. 

 

Before putting a piece dripping with syrup in her mouth she said, “It doesn’t have to be a final decision, you know? You can still experiment with names to find what’s best for you.” After that addendum, we finished our breakfast with little but satisfied sounds. 

 

Once we finished Sherri asked me, “So, Alexa, what would you like to do today?” The emphasis she put on “Alexa” gave me a new feeling of happiness. It was as if the happiness was coming from above my heart and giving me lightheaded feelings. 

 

I said, “I think I want you to teach me some makeup.” 

 

“I thought you’d want to do that Alexa,” she replied, “I saw how down you looked when you took off the makeup from yesterday.” She put a hand on my shoulder before continuing, “I know it’s hard to see your old self, but it is very important for healthy skin, and that’ll help you look better in the long run.” She had me down exactly. She put her hand around my shoulder and directed, “Come on Alexa, let’s go to my room.”

 

She sat me down in her chair, without the tape this time, and opened up her laptop. She searched for Sarah Brown Beauty on Youtube. I interjected, “Hey isn’t that the girl who lives around here?” 

 

“Yeah,” she said as she scrolled searching for a specific video, “She’s just gotten started with her whole thing and she made a really good intro-to-makeup video that I want you to see.”

 

I looked away dejectedly. “Oh, I thought you were gonna teach me.” 

 

She explained, “Oh, um, you see, I’m not really good at teaching. Anyway Alexa, this is how I learned and I think it’ll work for you too.” 

 

“I guess that makes sense.” I reasoned. I pressed play and listened intently. 

 

It wasn’t a few minutes in that Sherri’s phone started blaring, “BUT SHE WEARS SHORT SKIRTS, I WEAR T SHIRTS SHE’S CHEER CAPTAIN AND I’M ON THE BLEACHERS!” 

 

She picked up, “Hey Natalie, could you hold on for a second.” she muted the call and asked, “Do you mind if I take this?” I reluctantly nodded. She perked up and added, “Actually, do you mind if I tell her the good news about you, Alexa. No one but my besties would know and they’re really good at keeping secrets. I just want to share my joy with them. You’re totally fine to say no though.” 

 

I thought about it for a bit. They obviously accepted my sister so there was probably no harm in it. I declared, “Sure, go ahead.” 

 

“Thanks sis.” she beamed as she unmuted and left the room. “Okay, sorry for putting you on hold like that but I have some big news.” She shut the door. 

 

I was alone again. It was a different kind of being alone, this new loneliness had Sarah Brown. It was still lonely. I thought I wouldn’t feel like this anymore. I pressed play to fill the silence of the room.

 

After I finished a basic look, foundation, blush, eyeshadow, lipstick, I looked for Sherri to tell me how I did. I found her in the kitchen, still on the phone. I overheard her say, “--all that, Sierra? Okay I gotta tell Cassandra, bye, kiss kiss.” 

 

I couldn’t let her get on another call, I had to butt in. I announced, “Hey sis! How’d I do?” I made several hand gestures to display my face. She jumped a little when she saw me.

 

“Oh!” She recomposed herself and said, “Um, that’s pretty good for the first time.” She rummaged through the medicine cabinet before suggesting, “Take these makeup wipes and start over.”

 

I took a step back. “Really?” I questioned, “I thought I did good.”

 

Sherri reassured, “You did. You really did, but the best way to learn makeup is repetition. Remember, cis girls have been doing makeup for a while by the time they get to your age, so you’ve gotta make up for lost time. Pun intended.”

 

I couldn’t help but snicker at her bad joke. I took the wipes and asked, “What should I watch next though?” 

 

She thought about that for a minute. She answered, “What I did was try and take it in steps. I started by watching a lot of videos on contouring, highlights, bronzer, that kinda stuff. You could pick that or something like eyes or lips and just go in deep on that. Rather than try to learn everything all at once you focus on specific parts.” 

 

I considered this for a bit. I finally said, “I think I wanna try and learn eyes. What was that thing you did to my eyes yesterday?”

 

She beamed at me. “Smokey eyes,” she explained, “and I think that’ll work great for you. It’s a classic look and I think it’ll look great on you. There are also like, a ton of videos on it.” She sent me off back upstairs but remained in the kitchen. I really wanted her to come with me but I didn’t want to make a fuss about it. 

 

She was right, there are soooo many smokey eye videos. I tried looking for Sarah Brown’s but I guess she’s not big enough yet to have the algorithm work for her. I went back to her channel and found her video on smokey eye there. 

 

My first attempt at it looked more like a racoon in a coal mine than the Hollywood starlets of old Sarah talked about. At least wiping off makeup wasn’t upsetting for once. I had to keep trying. If I was making up for lost time like Sherri said then maybe this is making up for the times little girls steal makeup from their moms and slather it on. 

 

My second attempt was a little more presentable. I went really light on the product so the effect wasn’t really that strong, but at least it didn’t look really bad. I decided to try some of the other smokey eye videos to get a different perspective. I picked the first video that came up. It was weird going to such a big channel. Almost all of their products were name-brand and the lady spent a lot of time describing each one. They almost spent as much time talking about the products as they did explaining how to do the smokey eye. I got a little self conscious that I only had Sherri’s stuff. I thought that maybe that was why I wasn’t doing as good of a smokey eye. I fought back against this doubt. If Sherri used this stuff to make me look like I did yesterday, then I can use it too. 

 

I experimented with a few more channels and I was actually getting pretty good. I wasn’t as good as Sherri, but there was hope for me. Sherri opened her door and startled me. I was met by the stinging sensation of an eyeliner pencil poking into my sclera. I yelped. 

 

Sherri gave a knowing look. “There, there, it happens. Just blink a bunch of times until it stops.” I blinked so much it looked like the world was strobing. She proceeded, “Since we had a big late breakfast, I’m thinking we could get an early dinner. I’m taking you to pick up a pizza.” 

 

I asked, “Is it going to be a pickle pizza again?” I rolled my eyes which felt pretty weird with the pain just starting to subside. 

 

“Yes it is.” She argued, “Pickle pizza is amazing and you will find out why.” 

 

That sounded rather ominous, but I didn’t think too much of it. I got into the passenger seat and as I was buckling myself in, Sherri got in as well. Before she started the car she searched in the glove compartment for something. She found it, Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. It started playing as we pulled out of the driveway. I was tentative at first but I really got into the groove of it. She’s played it before, but it was different now. I felt like I wasn’t being judged for enjoying it. 

 

She left it on when she went in to pick up her order. I was too distracted jamming out to notice when she got back. I asked, “Where’s the pizza?”

 

“I put it in the back.” She was quick to respond. She quickly turned up the music and shouted, “Oh I love this one!” She sang along with “Bad Blood” as we headed home. 

 

When we arrived, I spotted Sherri’s friend Natalie’s van parked on our street. I knew what this had to mean. She was just going to continue to spend time with her friends instead of me. I walked forlornly to the door. Even after I got so much closer to her, Sherri still cares more about her friends than me. Is it my fault? Does she still think of me as her petulant younger brother? I shook my head and opened the door.

 

“SURPRISE!”

 

Sherri’s friends Natalie, Courtney, Cassandra, and Sierra, all jumped out as soon as I turned the lights on. “What’s going on?” I asked.

 

“They’re here for you, sis.” came Sherri’s voice from behind me. She balanced four pizza boxes as she propped the door open with her foot. Sierra took the pizzas from her so she could explain. “I called them all over here to throw you a Welcome-To-Womanhood Slumber Party!” 

 

I started to tear up. 

 

They all went in to hug me. This was amazing. Sherri didn’t hate me. She was just trying to give me this amazing night.

 

“Welcome to womanhood Alexa!” Courtney proclaimed. 

 

I was overjoyed. This was amazing. I got that happiness like I had this morning but tenfold. The girls took me up to Sherri’s room and Sherri explained what was going to happen. “We’re gonna give you a makeover, do facials, watch a movie, and we have one last little surprise for you.” She pinched my cheek as she said that last part. “What do you wanna start with?”

 

“Hmm,” I thought aloud, “They all seem so nice, but wouldn’t the facial mean I’d have to take the makeup off?” The girls nodded at me. I decided, “Yeah, let's start with the facials and go from there.” 

 

Sherri directed, “You heard the girl Sierra, go get your stuff.” As she passed out headbands to the rest of the party, she explained to me, “Sierra makes her own masques from stuff she gets from the farmers’ market. They’re really good.”

 

As I pushed my hair out of my face with the headband I asked, “What are they made of?” 

 

“It’s different for each one.” Natalie piped up. “She’s picked it based on our skin needs. Like, your sister has really oily skin so she uses clay-based masques with sulfur and other minerals to draw out all the excess oil. Since I’m out in the sun a lot for cross country practice she tends to use a lot of aloe in oil-based masques to repair damage for me.” 

 

Sierra came back in balancing six different Tupperware containers in her arms. She overheard Natalie’s explanation and added, “For you Alexa, I’ve gotten something similar to your sister’s, but I’ve put more abrasives in it to help remove dead skin. It’s not your fault they don’t teach you to moisturize, but we have to fix that.”

 

It was decided that I would go first. I laid back in the chair and tried to stay still as I looked at all the smiling faces around me. I felt a little too seen so I shut my eyes and tried to focus on the feeling. The masque felt kinda sandy, but it smelled great. Sierra was really rubbing it in and when she applied it to my cheeks the sensation made me giggle a bit. When it was finished I got up and gave the seat to Sherri. 

 

I kept looking at the other girls. Whenever they caught me looking their smiles just got brighter. Whenever my guy friends would do something like that it was before they were gonna prank me. 

 

When Sherri was done she took me over to her movie rack and picked out a few films. “Titanic, Legally Blonde, Bring It On, Mean Girls, or Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, it’s your pick sis.” 

 

“Ugh,” groaned Cassandra from the chair. “Really Sher?”

 

Sherri retorted, “Hey, it’s not my fault she hasn’t seen the classics.”

 

 Courtney responded, “It, like, literally is though.” 

 

I questioned, “Are they bad movies? I don’t get it?” 

 

Courtney reassured me, “No Alexa it’s not that, we’re just trying to say that your sister is…” she paused to emphasize, “...basic!” She flipped her black hair with pink money pieces with the word. The girls cracked up. It was so weird. Wasn’t that an insult? Why was Sherri the one laughing the loudest? 

 

Before starting on Courtney’s mask, Sierra commented, “They are actually all really good movies, and you should see them.” 

 

I considered it for a while before picking one. “How about Legally Blonde? I think I’ve seen a few memes from that and it would be nice to get the context.” 

 

“Good choice, Alexa.” Natalie said. 

 

Sherri inserted the disc into the side of her tv and said, “I’m gonna grab those pizzas.” 

 

I sat on Sherri’s bed with my eyes locked on the screen. It was still weird to be in a room with just women without my sister. I knew my sister’s friends, but I still felt separate from them. I still don’t know how to talk to girls. I guess I should have said I didn’t know how to talk to other girls, but I didn’t think I was there yet. 

 

Sherri’s return broke me out of my internal dialogue. She enveloped me in a hug on her bed and the other girls positioned bean bag chairs in front of the screen. It was a really nice movie, it was poppy and bright. I felt a little like Elle when she felt like she didn’t fit in at Harvard, but almost in reverse. I felt kinda like as if that nerdy guy from Elle’s class somehow was in Delta Nu. Everyone around me was so pretty and feminine and here I was just… me.

 

“You know what I love about that movie, sis?” Sherri turned to ask me. After I shrugged she continued, “I love how Elle never takes it out on Vivian. It’s, like, she wins her over with the power of feminine friendship. All of Delta Nu is like that, like they don’t reject Elle for trying to get into law school. They do all they can to help her.” 

 

“That doesn’t really happen though does it?” I asked. “I thought girls fought amongst each other and talked behind each others’ backs. That’s what the guys always told me.”

 

“That’s your problem Alexa,” Cassandra spoke up, “you were listening to the guys. I mean it happens sure, but not nearly as much as they’d lead you to believe.” She pulled me up off the bed and explained, “Look at me, I’m a goth and your sister is basic–”

 

A pillow presumably tossed by Sherri hit Cassandra square in the face, but when it bounced off she continued, “We have different interests, but we’re still united as friends, and as girls.” She pulled me into a hug. “You don’t have to listen to those guys anymore. You are one of us now.”

 

She was right, I was one of the girls. A burden had been lifted off my chest. It really was true. I had a lot to unlearn, but these girls were here for me. I was accepted. 

 

My sister got up behind me and announced, “Okay ladies, let’s get these masques off and then,” she put her hands on my shoulders, “makeover time!” 

 

Washing off the masque felt amazing. It was like my skin was fizzing like a soda. I never understood what girls meant when they said they were glowing, but I got it now. I actually liked the look of my face for once. 

 

Sherri directed, “We’re all going to work on Alexa and then while she’s enjoying her special surprise we can work on each other.” That surprise really intrigued me. This whole surprise slumber party had been really incredible. I couldn’t imagine what would top it off.

 

“Cass and I can handle her hair.” Courtney said as she started twisting one of my strands around her finger. She asked, “What are you thinking you want to do about your hair, Alexa?” Cassandra started to run her fingers through my hair on the other side from Courtney

 

I answered, “I guess I’ve been trying to grow it out. I like the idea of having long hair; I guess I know why now. The problem is it just sorta stops growing down and curls up there on my neck.” 

 

Cassandra stretched one of my curls. She said very confidently, “Oh we can definitely straighten this for you. It won’t be as long as your sister’s but it’ll definitely look longer.” They left to get their hair supplies.

 

Sherri called out, “Sierra, Nat, do y’all wanna do her nails?”

 

“Sure!” Sierra said. She leaned in to ask, “What color do you want Alexa?” 

 

“What options are there?” I asked. 

 

Natalie answered, “Let me get the bucket.” 

 

I raised my eyebrows. “Bucket?!” 

 

Sierra explained, “She brought this plastic bin of all of her polishes. We like to play this game called ‘spin the polish.’ It’s this game where we sit in a circle, spin a polish, and whoever it lands on gets a single nail painted in that color. It makes some wild combinations, but we thought you might want something more traditional tonight.” 

 

“That does sound pretty fun,” I remarked. 

 

She smiled at me. “We’ll try it next time Alexa.”

 

I love that there will be a next time.

 

Cassandra and Courtney had come back with their flat irons and were plugging them in to heat up. Sherri was organizing her makeup. I guess she was gonna work on my face again. Natalie came back and placed the bin on my lap. I dug my hands in and felt the bottles fill in space around my fingers. I wanted a pink one. I always liked pink, but I could never admit it. I won’t be stopped now. I found a bright pink bottle and handed it to Sierra. “This one please.”

 

She picked up the bottle and read from the bottom, “Spring Break the Internet.” We shared a look of incredulity at the name. “Good choice.” She turned to Natalie and asked, “Can you find a matcher?” 

 

“Sure thing.” Natalie replied. She took the bin and searched through it.

 

I was suddenly met with the sensation of Courtney beginning to comb my hair out. I sat back rather quickly in shock. “It’s okay,” she comforted, “I’m just gonna detangle this a little and section it out.” I calmed down and she dragged the comb horizontally around the nape of my neck. She then picked up the hair above the section and clipped it. 

 

Sherri stepped in to work on my face. Sierra began painting the nails on my right while Natalie worked on my left. Cassandra and Courtney had begun flat ironing. So many things were going on I couldn’t focus on any one sensation. I just melted into the chair and enjoyed this state of bliss. 

 

When they were finished, Sherri took me to the mirror to take it all in. My hair was just touching my shoulder. The tickle of the tips still hot from the iron was so satisfying. My nails were bright pink and so clean. I loved the way they caught the light. My makeup was incredible. Sherri contoured my chin so it looked rounder. Bronzer below the highlighter made my face look amazing. The blush was on the side of my cheeks this time, and it looked so sweet. There was also highlighter on top of the apples of my cheeks like before. My eyes were the most extraordinary thing. She glued on big false lashes, she gave me huge eyeliner wings that went two-thirds of the way to my hairline, and she did a three-part eyeshadow design. There was a light pink shadow on the lid, a matte pink on the crease, and a hot pink that matched my nails all the way out to the end of the eyeliner wing. I was beautiful.

 

I sniffled and my voice cracked, “Thank you.”

 

The girls all “Aww”d over me as they came in for a big hug. 

 

“Don’t cry now,” came my sister, “we still have one more surprise for you.” She led me to my room and sat me on my bed facing away from the door. She said, “We’re gonna go get your surprise and then you can turn around.”

 

I nodded in acknowledgement. I was really looking forward to this surprise. The voice in the back of my head was still telling me this was some sort of prank, but that voice was very quiet. I didn’t know if it would ever go away, but I wouldn’t let it stop me anymore. I heard the door open and several things being dropped onto the floor. 

 

My sister called out, “You can turn around now Alexa.” On the floor was a huge pile of feminine clothes about 5 feet wide. It was full of colors and fabrics I was never allowed to even dream about wearing. Sherri explained, “We wanted to give you a headstart on a new wardrobe.”

 

I burst up to hug her. I cried, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

 

She hugged me back and continued, “They’re all for you. We each got stuff we’ve outgrown or don’t wear anymore and gathered it up. A lot of the dresses are Sierra’s, the sports bras are from Natalie, Courtney supplied most of the skirts, and Cassandra got you some blouses. I also got you the rest of the underwear.” She paused to pick up a particular brassiere, “This is the first push-up bra I ever wore. It was from back before I was on hormones. I want you to have it.” 

 

I was overjoyed. I was starting to really feel like I can pull off living as a girl. Although each girl gave me specific types of clothing, they also gave me specific outfits. The girls traded off giving each other makeovers and having me put on the outfits they selected. Sherri gave me one of her push-up bras, a dull pink number, and a light purple pair of cotton panties, and then began hanging up the new clothes in my closet. 

 

The girls all loved the looks they gave me. Sierra picked for me this flowing pink dress with strawberries on it. Courtney gave me a half-shirt with some pop artist I hadn’t heard of on it, a pleated skirt, and striped thigh-high socks with matching arm socks. Cassandra got me a black dress with lace accents, and a neck choker. Lastly, Natalie layered a couple of tank tops and had me wear a skort. All of them had their own styles. They were all different, but they still accepted me. I was one of them. It would take a while for me to find my own style, but I knew they would still be there for me when I found it. 

 

It was getting late so we decided to change into our sleepwear. I was looking for my old pajamas and t-shirt when Sherri showed me her final gift. It was a satin pink nightie with lace around the trim, just like the one she had but in my size. I put it on and we joined the girls in the bathroom. They cheered our matching outfits. After we cleaned off our makeup we all got into Sherri’s bed. It was lovely to cuddle. This would never happen with the boys. It wasn’t sexual, it was just girls being friends and being close. It was beautiful. It was lovely. It was girly…

 

And so was I. 

 

Epilogue

 

Our conference ended a few days early so we decided to head home. There was no need to leave Sherri in charge for longer than we had to. I helped my husband Ben get our luggage out of the car before we walked to the door. As soon as we opened it we heard Sherri yell from her room. 

 

“YOU STOLE MY TOP!”

 

A voice that sounded affectedly light, much like Sherri’s did when she had just begun voice training, answered back, “IT LOOKS CUTER ON ME THOUGH!”

 

Our youngest child then came racing down the stairs swiftly followed by our eldest who screamed, “OH YOU LITTLE BRAT!” They both stopped when they saw us standing in the doorway.

 

“Oh, hi mom and dad,” peeped the one in the cute top.

 

I tentatively responded, “Hi… girls…?” They both nodded and I was put at ease. 

 

My husband turned to me and asked, “Claire, what did we miss?” 

 

“Isn’t it obvious dear?” I answered, “They bonded.”