Kaito was staring in disbelief at the ghost who claimed to be his ancestor. She had appeared out of nowhere in his bedroom and...
“...I have come to make your wish come true." She said.
The whole situation felt surreal, something that belonged in a manga or anime rather than in real life. As Yuuko finished her speech, she sat gently on Kaito's bed, her eyes fixed on him, waiting for any questions. Time stood still in the room until Kaito finally found the words to speak.
"You said you are my ancestor?" he asked, incredulous.
"Yes, we share the same family name, Nakamura. I am Nakamura Yuuko. You can find my name in our family history book. What was it called again?" She said, tilting her head.
"Generation and History of Nakamura." Kaito answered, feeling uneasy.
Kaito's mind went back to the library room earlier where he had stumbled upon the book. He remembered that some of its pages were cut, likely where her name was located. Despite intending to ask his father about the book, the appearance of the ghost and his sister had made him forget.
"That's right, that's the book. Then you must know how famous I was back then" Yuuko said proudly, but her expression changed when she saw Kaito's dumbfounded face. "Wait, you don't know?"
The way Yuuko talked made Kaito feel close and friendly towards her. His fear seemed to subside, and he momentarily forgot that he was talking to a ghost. "I'm sorry, I really don't know," Kaito apologized with a sheepish grin.
Yuuko waved her hand dismissively and sighed.
"Okay, okay, forget it. It's not important."
Kaito expected to hear Yuuko's past, and was a bit disapointed when she dismissed it. But he understood that what truly mattered at the moment was the wish.
“You said you will grant me a wish.” As if she was waiting for it, Yuuko nodded eagerly and moved closer to him. She reached out to hold his hand, but he felt nothing. She was a ghost, after all. He could only see her faint outline.
She smiled at him and said in a cheerful voice. “Yes!” However, she quickly changed her tone and added in a lower voice. “Uhm…It’s also not true.”
“Not true?” Kaito exclaimed. He pulled his hand back and frowned at her. “What do you mean?”
Yuuko bit her lip and looked away. She seemed embarrassed and nervous. She said in a soft voice. “I don’t have the power to grant your wish, but I could make your wish come true.”
Kaito felt more confused than ever. He tilted his head and asked. “What is the difference?”
Yuuko looked at him again and smiled. She leaned forward and whispered in his ear. “What is your wish?” She asked suddenly.
Kaito was caught off guard by Yuuko’s question. What did he want? What was his wish? He had never given it much thought before and needed time to consider his answer. However, before he could respond, Yuuko spoke again.
"I have seen it," she said, her tone shifting suddenly. It was now tinged with an unsettling mix of fear and danger.
"Huh?" Kaito was confused.
"What happened in the dining room," Yuuko said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Kaito's heart started racing as he replayed the scene from the room earlier, his father’s face appeared followed by his harsh words:
“How can I entrust the dojo to a useless kid who can't win a single match out of a hundred? That would be an insult to the family's reputation. I'd rather end it myself than hand it over to you."
He could hear each word clearly, not from his mind, but from Yuuko. She had mimicked his father's voice perfectly, making him relive the humiliation. He felt a surge of anger and tried to hit Yuuko, but his fist went through her ghostly body.
Despite Kaito's angry aura, Yuuko continued to speak. "Look at what you have done, Kaito," she said, this time she used Shou’s voice. "You have destroyed our dojo."
Kaito refused to believe her. "Lying, Shou would never say that," he shouted.
“Not now, but soon.” Yuuko responded with a high-pitched cackle and moved back to dodge Kaito's punchs, which were now losing direction.
She sat down on Kaito's bed and mocked him with the voices of other people he knew.
"You are such a loser. How can I ever love you?"
"How can you be my Senpai with such skill?”
"You are pathetic."...
...
Kaito was a person who lived with a great sense of pride, he was nothing without pride. Little by little, Yuuko’s words shattered his essence into countless pieces.
.....
The voice had been stopped, but Kaito was still covering his ears with both hands, his face pale and etched with disbelief, his body trembling uncontrollably. Just then he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder and looked up to see Yuuko kneeling in front of him with a soft smile. "Don't worry, Kaito," she said in her own voice. "I can help you achieve your wish.”
“My wish?” he repeated.
“Yes, Kaito's wish is to beat his father.” She enunciated each word slowly and distinctly, her smile still present.
"How can I win him?" Kaito asked weakly.
Their eyes locked onto each other as Yuuko made him an offer. "Let me come into you, and I will teach you my secret martial art," she said convincingly. “No one can ever doubt your ability, you can win anyone, even your father.”
Kaito agreed with a faint nod. Yuuko placed her lips on his, she kissed him with passion. And everything went black.
I hope that my writing has effectively conveyed the mental battle that has begun between Kaito and Yuuko. It is important for me to create a believable narrative of how Kaito's mind and Yuuko's presence interact, and I assure you that Kaito won't be an easy victim to her control.
Thank you for taking the time to read my work. The upcoming parts will be released in four days, around Sunday. I appreciate your feedback, as it will help me identify areas for improvement. Once again, thank you!
In this scene, it is good that Yuuko is using the voices of people he knows to prey on him while he is still emotionally disturbed after his father denounced him. My only criticism is that Kaito as a person is indeed defined by his pride, but he also seems good natured and capable of enduring almost anything in regards to mental anguish, to the point of just finding something else to be proud about almost instantly if you try to break him down through denying his pride. So I don't see how he could encounter this level of breakdown easily. More likely, Yuuko would use a method of misdirection, where she guides the conversation in a direction where she takes advantage of his temporarily unstable mentality in such a way that he reaches the conclusion you want to portray on his own, and then Yuuko almost casually suggests that he allow her to dwell within him when he runs himself into his lowest point in order to provide "hope" in his "darkest hour". But still, good work, and I hope to read the rest with utmost interest and anticipation.
Thank you for your feedback. I have carefully considered your criticism and I appreciate your suggestion regarding the use of the "misdirection" method. While I have already written the next parts with a different approach, I will keep the "misdirection" method in mind for future if it suits the situation.
Regarding Kaito's susceptibility to Yuuko's control, I believe that exploiting his mental breakdown to manipulate him is a believable method. Additionally, it aligns with the nature of Yuuko's power and contributes to the overall suspenseful atmosphere of the scene. I am not certain which moment you are referring to where Kaito “quickly becomes proud”, so if you could point it out to me, I would appreciate it. While Kaito does have a sense of pride, I think I haven't delved too deeply into exploring this aspect of his character yet.
@MeguTG Hey, it's all a good approach to storytelling in the end, and I wish you well.
@MeguTG And apologies if I was vague or presumptuous regarding the "quickly becomes proud" comment. It was merely my interpretation of his character based on how he has interacted with others in the last few chapters. To clarify, it seemed to me that in scenes where he has interacted with his fans and been uncomfortable around them, he has been able to motivate himself using his pride in who he is to be the kind of person they see him as. That spoke to me of a somewhat insecure personality, but one that will refuse to give up because he keeps finding reasons for himself to keep going and things about which he can take pride, and thus derive motivation to continueon in the face of uncomfortability or adversity. Though you should feel free to ignore my read of a character I did not create, and write Kaito as you imagine him.
@HeroattheEnd No, no. Don't take my words too seriously. Feel free to express your opinions; they will help me a lot. The detail you mentioned, you are referring to chapter 1, right? During the planning phase, there were numerous details that I needed to select and include in the scene. Perhaps I didn't give enough consideration to my characters in the first chapter, which might have led you to think that way. As the story further develops, I will take the time to revisit my old chapters. Thank you so much.
@MeguTG No problem. Glad to have helped.