CW:

 

Tears were flowing freely down my face before I even reached my bed and collapsed on it. It had been years since I last cried, but the end of my friendship with the best person I'd ever known broke the dam like nothing else could.

This is it, my life is over! I'm going to lose Chad as a friend and there's nothing I can do to prevent it now that he knows what a freak I am.

Looking at my outfit in despair, I scowled deeply, regretting my indulgence in my extremely cute vice.

Why does wearing this outfit have to feel so good? It's so pretty and comfortable I can't even bring myself to change back into my guy clothes!

I spent much of the day in my room, since I couldn't chance an encounter with Chad after what he'd seen. Eventually, it was clear he wasn't going anywhere that night and I had to bite the bullet or go hungry. 

My stomach eventually won the fight with embarrassment and fear. I forced myself to don my regular clothes, including boxers, and an odd disgusted feeling came over me, but I ignored it. 

I did my best to stealth my way into the kitchen, but Chad was sitting at the dinner table, because nothing can go right for me apparently. 

"So, umm, you wanna talk about it?" Chad rubbed the back of his head nervously. 

"No." 

Tears were ready to burst out of my eyes at the slightest bit of negativity and the only thing that could make the coming argument worse was Chad scolding me for crying, like everyone else always did.

"Look, I don't think it's-" he tried.

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" I interrupted. 

"Okay, fine, I was just trying to-" 

"I don't wanna hear how weird it is, I already know-"

"I'm not judging you. It's perfectly fine to dress however you want," he reassured. 

"I don't want to dress like that!" I lied, then added in barely a whisper, "It just… it makes me feel a bit better about myself."

"Really, it's okay, stop-"

"I can't stop! I've tried and tried, but no matter how much I don't want to like it, I do! Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me-"

"Shut up and listen to me!" he shouted.

Him raising his voice was enough to dash my hopes at not crying, but I remained silent despite the tears running freely down my face. 

"I do it too," he muttered softly, averting his eyes.

Out of all the hundreds of mean things I'd expected him to say, the thought he would instead admit to being like me had never crossed my mind for a moment. Smooth brain mode engaged and I ran out of words.

"Uuuuhhhh… you… wah… I…?" I gawked.

"I'm just happier wearing girl's clothing, okay?" he defended himself unprompted. 

"Why?" I asked cautiously, half expecting this to be some kind of trick.

"I feel more like… well, more like me, or more like who I want to be when I wear stuff like that."

While I hadn't actively researched the topic since my fight with Zoey, I still somehow put two and two together and by what could only have been divine intervention managed to get four.

"Are you…" I began, but couldn't bring myself to finish the question. Actually saying the word aloud would make it too real for my liking. 

He must’ve sensed what I was trying to ask since he mumbled something I couldn't make out, then took a deep breath and whispered, "I don't know."

I was unsure of what to say to that, the possibility that my friend liked crossdressing had never occurred to me, let alone that he might be… that.

Zoey was one thing, we hadn't been friends for more than a year and had never met in person. Chad on the other hand had been a permanent fixture in my life for so long I could hardly remember a time before we met. 

I don't know what I'd do if I lost Chad as a friend. Fuck, I'm going to have to actually look into this stuff l, aren't I? 

"Umm," I hesitated for a second before continuing, "If we both like dressing like this then, like, if it's just us here, then maybe, we could, like, wear that kind of stuff around the apartment?"

"You serious?"

"Err, yes? I mean no, I mean… depends on your answer," I shrugged sheepishly. 

"We'd have to agree not to make fun of each other about this," he suggested.

"Yeah, that would fucking suck."

"I dunno, I bet you don't mind sucking," he joked, then froze after realizing what he'd said.

My breath caught in my throat and my eyes bugged out as my already fierce blush deepened. His expression mirrored my own and I realized our usual teasing of each other had suddenly gained new context. 

Mental and emotional barriers were rapidly coming down between us and that type of jokes were starting to feel a lot less like jokes and more like one hundred percent bona-fide flirting.

My heart leapt and my brain recoiled as memories of my fantasy the other day forced themselves front in center in my mind.

Forget it! It's not happening and you shouldn't want it to! My brain screamed at me, to which I agreed, then promptly ignored my own advice.

If he wears… stuff like that and has some kind of gender thing going on, then maybe he'd be, uhh, like, kinda interested in someone like me. Obviously, not me specifically, but like someone attractive.

"So, like, hashtag safespace if one of us decides to do it?" he asked, probably trying to ignore the mounting tension, or perhaps the tension of me wanting to get mounted.

"Y-yeah…but I don't know if I'll actually get the courage to do it."

" You're the one who suggested it,"

"Yeah, I know, but I feel weird enough doing it at all, let alone in front of others. I want the option so I can chicken out later."

"Bruh."

"I know!" I shrilled. 

"Even around me?"

"Especially around you," I answered.

"You know I do it too and I've already seen you do it, so what's the big deal?" he asked.

Of course that's what the follow-up question would be. Great going dumbass, I chided myself.

"Uhh…" I thought furiously for a justified reason  that didn't include mentioning a certain fantasy I'd had. I landed on, "it's just weird."

Brilliant misdirection, not sus at all.

"You're the one who brought it up, but if you don't want to you don't have to."

"I'll do it if you do too, I'm curious to see what you look like dressed up," I offered.

"Mhmm, I bet you are," he winked playfully.

I could feel my cheeks heating up to the point I was getting uncomfortably warm and it would take someone completely obvious to all signs to miss just how exciting I thought it would be to see him dressed up like a cute girl. 

There was no way he wouldn't notice if I stayed, assuming he hadn't already, so I quickly fled the room without another word to maintain any amount of dignity, not that I had any left at that point, but it's the principle of it. 

Fuck… there's no other explanation for this… I'm really falling for him, I sighed, as I shut my bedroom door behind me.

Obviously, there had been feelings there prior to all this, but it was at that moment I consciously perceived for the first time just how infatuated I was with him.

Thankfully, he seemed to feel as awkward about it as I did and we didn't talk or even look directly at each other the rest of the day. It was too weird to handle interacting with them. Since they now knew one of my deepest darkest secrets, the silence suited me just fine.

 

~~~

 

I had to vent to someone or I was going to explode, but I'd have to apologize before anything else. Zoey had often helped me at times like this, that is when Chad was otherwise occupied or the subject at hand.

If we hadn't fought the other day I wouldn't have hesitated, but that confrontation was bound to be emotionally draining. Thankfully, she was offline, so I could apologize without her grilling me for being a jerk in real-time.

HornetSaysGitGud: So umm… I'm sorry. I'm very confused about what's going on, but I don't think you're a guy. I don't really know why I felt the need to repeat things my father said about transgender people. 

HornetSaysGitGud: Stuff is happening so fast and I don't know what to think about this… or how to, to be honest.

HornetSaysGitGud: I don't even know who I am anymore… if that makes sense. 

HornetSaysGitGud: Someone called me something and it's really fucking me up. Not like something mean… well, I guess he was joking around and I guess it was supposed to make me uncomfortable or throw me off guard but… 

HornetSaysGitGud: I liked it… I liked it a lot and I can't get it out of my head no matter what I do. A lot of people don't think guys should be okay with that kind of stuff, but I can't help myself!  

Zorcery: What did he call you?

Oh, fuck, I thought she was offline! What the fuck am I supposed to say now!? I can't just tell her he called me a good girl now that she's actually here, FUCK!

There's no way she'd buy any misdirection I could come up with on the spot. If I tell her the truth… well, I can't do that either. Just got to delay until I figure out a smooth way out of this.

HornetSaysGitGud: I didn't think you'd respond so quickly…

Zorcery: I set myself as offline so people won't bother me, but that's clearly not working.

HornetSaysGitGud: Sorry, I'll leave you alone.

Zorcery: You started unloading your baggage on me, if you really want to you can go and we can pretend this never happened.

HornetSaysGitGud: Alright, sorry again.

Bullet dodged!

Zorcery: but out of all your friends you came to me and after that shit you said last time we talked you wouldn't have come to me if it wasn't something that you thought I was uniquely able to help with.

HornetSaysGitGud: You still consider me your friend? After how I acted towards you and Onyx?

Zorcery: You apologized and I can tell you really meant it so yes. Of course, you'll still have to say sorry to them if they decide to give you another chance.

HornetSaysGitGud: If I speak to them again I definitely will. Even if I don't, could you tell them I said sorry?

Zorcery: Of course!

Zorcery: But back to your problem, if you're okay with it why don't you go ahead and tell me what he said.

Moment of truth, do I confront these thoughts or repress and ignore them… again…? Aww fuck, who am I kidding? That's not going to work this time. 

HornetSaysGitGud: He called me a good girl…it felt so… idk like it was exciting, but like, really comfortable and calming too.

HornetSaysGitGud: I don't want it to, but it made me so happy. 

Zorcery: Oh Hornet… honey, it's okay to want to be called a girl, I sure do.

HornetSaysGitGud: but you're actually a girl so it's not weird. 

Zorcery: …

Zorcery: Well, I'm glad you're at least accepting of me now.

HornetSaysGitGud: Yeah, sorry, I realized quickly afterwards I just couldn't see you as a guy. I don't really have the right words to describe it, but you're so obviously a girl that it feels wrong to think of you otherwise. Besides looking and sounding exactly a… not transgender woman. 

HornetSaysGitGud: No offense meant.

Zorcery: It's called being cis and I'll choose to take that as a compliment.

HornetSaysGitGud: Sorry, I'm still really new to this.

Zorcery: It's okay, it's clear you're trying now.

HornetSaysGitGud: But anyway there's more, he crossdresses too! 

Zorcery: Too? As in you wear girl's clothing also?

HornetSaysGitGud: NO 

HornetSaysGitGud: haha

HornetSaysGitGud: Like I'm not judging people who do. It's obviously way more interesting than boy's clothes.

Zorcery: 🤨

HornetSaysGitGud: But I don't just to be clear

Zorcery: 🤨

HornetSaysGitGud: Really I don't, because guys aren't allowed to wear that kind of stuff.

Zorcery: Clothes don't have genders. You can wear whatever you want and it's perfectly okay. 

HornetSaysGitGud: I don't though! 

Zorcery: That's fine, you don't have to if you don't want to. Just saying it's alright if you did.

Why am I even bothering to lie? It's not like she'd judge me for it… or even believe my denials. 

HornetSaysGitGud: Okay fine, maybe I've done it once or twice. Just as a goof, y'know?

Zorcery: Just once or twice?

HornetSaysGitGud: Yeah, like just to see what it was like.

Zorcery: 🤨

HornetSaysGitGud: You're really getting some use out of that emoji. You got a macro for it or something?

Zorcery: You're deflecting.

HornetSaysGitGud: Fine, I'm not not wearing a skirt, like, right now.

Zorcery: What does it feel like?

I can't fucking answer that! How does she know exactly what questions I don't want her to ask? Damn, this game was rigged from the start. Gotta find a way out of answering that or at least delay until I figure something out! 

HornetSaysGitGud: What do you mean?

Zorcery: How did wearing girl's clothes feel? 

HornetSaysGitGud: Mostly like cotton

Zorcery: How did they feel emotionally? 😑 

HornetSaysGitGud: Ah, I don't know. They're okay I guess.

Zorcery: If you feel uncomfortable talking about this we can stop, y'know? But if you do want to continue I'd like you to be honest with me.

She's giving me an out… it'd be so easy just to take it and forget this conversation ever happened but… I don't know what I have to lose here. 

HornetSaysGitGud: It feels normal.

HornetSaysGitGud: Ever since I've started wearing this kind of stuff there's been a growing sense of unease about wearing men's clothes. 

Figuring that leaving out the fact I’d actually been the one to suggest it seemed less risky then giving her more reason to think I’m getting sussy with the bussy.

HornetSaysGitGud: He wants to start doing it openly around each other and I'm really scared, but excited at the same time. 

Zorcery: So what's the problem? 

I was taken aback, what's the problem? Wasn't it obvious? Turns out no, it wasn't. I didn't have an immediate answer to that. 

There is a problem, right? Otherwise what the hell am I doing?

No one who would judge me would ever have to know. So really the only thing stopping me was… me. My fear of not having an excuse not to anymore and what could happen if I embrace happiness.

The fact that I felt I needed an excuse not to wear women's clothes in the first place probably should have tipped me off long ago, but it wasn't until that moment that the actual problem I was having really sunk in and coalesced into a definable issue.

HornetSaysGitGud: I'm scared.

Zorcery: That's perfectly understandable and a normal reaction, you're rapidly going through some pretty huge changes in your life.

HornetSaysGitGud: But it's just a fetish for me, right? It's not like it's something I actually want.

Zorcery: Can you honestly say that you don't want to be a girl, even in non-sexual situations? 

My brain shut down and refused to process her last message. I left my computer and flopped into bed, not even bothering to log off.