Even though he knew he shouldn’t have … that he shouldn’t lay a hand on him until Snow had come to terms with his own feelings, he still hadn’t been able to stop himself. Overwhelming pleasure was quickly replaced by fear and deep concern.
ZaiWin tried to raise his head and check the extension of the damage he’d caused, but the small hands still clenching his clothes barely allowed him to move. Snow’s forehead was so fiercely glued to his shoulder that he couldn’t catch a single glimpse of his face. The only thing he had to go on with was the sheen layer of ice quickly making its way up the walls.
Reaching back, he covered Snow’s hand with his own, softly caressing his stiff fingers, trying to gently coax him to let go.
“It’s all right, Snow … You’re all right …” he whispered in what he hoped would at least sound reassuring, and Snow shivered, cowering away from his warm breath.
The fuck he was all right! How could he be? After having some bastard having his way with him. But, as things stood, ZaiWin had no other choice but to keep trying to convince him of that.
“It’s all right … Hey … won’t you let me look at you?”
The head still pressed against his shoulder shook vehemently.
ZaiWin sighed.
“Please allow me to see you … Please?” he insisted, begging wholeheartedly, and the hand beneath his quivered, the small cold fingers finally letting go.
Carefully holding his hand as if it could break at any moment, ZaiWin guided it towards the soft bed and finally managed to raise his head enough to look at him.
Instantly releasing him, Snow quickly turned his face away, pulling his free arm over his eyes. And yet, that brief moment had been more than enough to allow ZaiWin to capture a glimpse of his reddened cheeks, and the trails of silent tears crossing them.
Since he was now completely free, ZaiWin could easily pull away from him, enough to free him from what he suspected was a smothering weight. And his gaze immediately fell on the small body he had been practically crushing until now.
His clothes completely disheveled, ZaiWin could see part of Snow’s waist and belly, his gaze following the appetizing curve of his neck all the way down to his bare shoulder. How a damn brat could look so seductive was beyond his comprehension! And yet it was all he could do not to grab him again and dive his nose into the soft skin beneath his ear. But then he could clearly see the marks he had left on his body. His fingers imprinted on his waist, Snow’s pale skin already bruising. The marks of his teeth on his shoulder. His reddened neck where he had kissed and sucked. He knew he should feel bad about it. And he did feel a bit repentant at the thought that some of those had probably hurt. But, above all, he felt deeply contented at seeing those marks on him. His marks on him. And the more he looked at them the more he wanted to kiss them and lick them again.
Taking a deep breath, ZaiWin forced himself to erase those thoughts from his head. He had caused enough damage as it was. More than this and he really risked breaking him completely.
Gently caressing the arm Snow was using to cover his face, ZaiWin placed a light kiss on his hand, Snow’s fingers immediately twitching in response.
“Are you angry at me?” he asked, lightly straightening Snow’s disheveled silver hair. The important thing right now was to help him give a name to the mess of emotions undoubtfully filling his head.
“Are you feeling disgusted?”
Snow pursed his lips so hard that they were drained of all color.
“Did I hurt you?” Of course he had, in more ways than one!
“Do you hate me now?”
Snow’s lips trembled and parted. Closed and parted again.
“I don’t hate you …” he finally replied, his voice so low that ZaiWin wouldn’t have been able to hear him if he hadn’t been there, so close to him.
A deep sigh of relief immediately escaped ZaiWin’s lips.
“Snow …?” He delicately grabbed his arm and tried to guide it away from his face. “Won’t you look at me?”
Snow immediately shook his head.
“You can hit me if you want to. You can even punch me in the face. How about that?”
Snow didn’t even move, much less speak, leaving another sigh on ZaiWin’s lips.
“I’m sorry … I …” What could he say to make things better? “Please talk to me. I’m right here, see?” He grabbed Snow’s hand and led it to his chest, holding it there. “What are you afraid of? Is it me? Do you want me … to leave?”
The hand against his chest immediately clenched his clothes, and ZaiWin could breathe again. He didn’t know what he would have done if Snow had sent him away.
Leaning his forehead against Snow’s arm, he took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry … Please talk to me …” So that he could know where to start in trying to fix what he’d carelessly ruined.
“ … dirty …”
That small whisper froze him in place. Had he heard it right? ZaiWin raised his head again.
Snow’s lips were tightly pursed again, his chin trembling.
“What’s dirty?”
The arm that he had been gently trying to pull away from his face did so on its own. Instead of trying to hide from him, Snow pushed him back with all his strength, his face reddening from the useless effort, the rest of the walls and ceiling around them freezing in the blink of an eye.
“Let go!” ZaiWin really didn’t want to distress him any further but, if he did let him go now, then what?
“Calm down, Snow,” he softly told him, easily resisting his attempts to push him away, and Snow gasped for air, the impetus that had impelled him into action suddenly completely gone. Turning his face away from him, Snow clenched his jaw, trying his best to hold back the tears dancing in his eyes.
His heart beating anxiously against his chest, ZaiWin took a deep breath trying to settle his own emotions.
“Do I disgust you …?” he asked again and Snow squeezed his eyes shut, two small tears escaping through his silver eyelashes.
“ … I’m the one who’s disgusting …” he muttered through trembling lips. “I’m the one who’s dirty… Please … let go of me …”
Ah … so that was what was tormenting him. And ZaiWin couldn’t help feeling relieved that he wasn’t the source of the problem. But, at the same time, his anxiety quickly transformed into guilt and pain.
“Why …? If you’re dirty, so am I. We’re the same.”
Snow shook his head and a sob escaped his lips.
“Let go …”
It was bound to happen, ZaiWin thought, ignoring Snow’s pleas, forcing him to turn his face his way. The more Snow understood the meaning and importance of certain things, the more he’d feel disgusted and horrified at what they had done to him. After all, things that were supposed to be precious had been simply stolen from him without a care in the world. Of course, if ZaiWin weren’t so intent in cornering him like that, none of this would have ever happened. If he were able to simply be a Chosen One, then Snow would probably have been able to live his entire life without needing to face all he had lost, without ever realizing how wrong it all had been. But ZaiWin was too selfish, too greedy, too possessive. He needed him to understand the true importance of a kiss, of a touch, even if that meant that inevitable pain would follow.
“We’re the same,” he repeated and Snow shook his head again, his eyes squeezed shut, trying so hard not to cry that he couldn’t even speak.
“Look at me, Snow!” ZaiWin commanded, wondering if his voice would have the same weight, now that his markings were practically sealed. And Snow went very still, his silver eyelashes eventually quivering, before he finally opened his eyes. They were even darker now, ZaiWin realized, and they were drowning in unshed tears.
“Who’s voice are you listening to right now? You are not allowed to hear anyone’s voice but mine!” he arrogantly declared and those dark eyes finally rested on his. “You are not dirty! Not at all! You are the most beautiful, pure person I have ever known! If you’re talking about what those bastards did to you, they were the dirty ones, not you! If you’re talking about … what happened just now, if you’re dirty, I’m a thousand times worse than you. Even now, my mind is full of you, full of shameless things I want to do to you. So stop listening to those people’s words! To that bitch’s words! They are all dead! Every single one of them. Dead! So stop allowing them to hurt you! Just erase them all from your mind. Look only at me. Listen only to me. Let them all rot, the way they deserve!”
Snow blinked and two more tears slid down his face but, after those, there were no more tears to replace them.
Raising his hand, he tentatively touched ZaiWin’s cheek, and ZaiWin immediately leaned into his hand, almost melting against his cold palm.
“ … my chest hurts …” he breathed and ZaiWin held that small hand against his face.
“I know. I’m sorry …”
Snow closed his eyes. He felt so tired that he couldn’t move anymore, much less think clearly. Warm lips kissed the inside of his wrist, then his forehead.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more patient … Please … just believe in me.” Were the last words he heard before he finally fell asleep.
