They gathered again in front of the small wood box where the Calzai1Literally cal (bright) + zai (blade), or Blade of Light. It can be translated in common language as General, one of military leaders of the Empire. Each Province has it’s own Calzai. stood with a proud but cold demeanor.
After making sure that this time everyone had followed his instructions, the Yu Calzai2Literally yu (green) plus cal (bright) + zai (blade), or Blade of Light. It can be translated in common language as Green General, one of military leaders of the Empire. Each Province has it’s own Calzai. To distinguish them they were giver different colors. cleared his throat and raised his strong voice.
“Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. We will now begin today’s event. May I call your attention to the two white flags placed over there,” he declared, pointing to his side, and they all turned to see two flags planted on the ground, set apart almost like a gateway leading into the shadowy woods.
“Beyond that line, and inside the area shaded in red on your maps, several tokens similar to this one have been hidden and placed strategically,” he went on, showing them what looked like a metal coin the size of the palm of a hand, printed with the eight-rayed sun of the Wen3Literally wen (sun). Name of one of the three Empires, Wen, Ran and Sen. (Sun, Moon and Star) Empire.
“Your task is to collect as many tokens as you can. You have until the first hour after DunDaozao4Literally dun (fall) + dao (magnificent / amazing) + zao (guardian /keeper). Daozao translates to dragon in the common language. So DunDaozao means the fall of the dragon, meaning sunset, which is 18h00. ManDaozao would be rise of the dragon, meaning sunrise, which is 06h00. This is the time system of the Demon Clan, which the Empires adopted. to do so, at which time you must be back on camp and present your tokens for counting. The use of daitai5Literally dai (light) + tai (mark), or Holly Markings, considered Heavenly Blessings. They’re the source of power. is allowed. But you are not allowed to injure any of your fellow participants in any way. You are free to leave whenever you’re ready. We wish you all good luck and a good hunt. You are dismissed.”
Most of the kids immediately ran towards the starting line and into the woods. ZaiWin6Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos). watched them go from a distant and safe place. The last thing he wanted was to be alone in the middle of a crowd he knew wouldn’t think twice before beating him to an inch of his life.
Once everything became quiet he finally made his way to the flags, carefully keeping watch of his surroundings, making sure no one would catch him by surprise. He could hear voices at a distance, shouting back and forth, but thankfully none was close enough that he could actually see.
Strolling down the shadowy path, he sighed.
He couldn’t care less about that useless competition. He may as well spend his time looking for food, he decided looking up at the trees. It wasn’t as if he had any chances of winning, since he was sure the royals would have countless kids giving them their tokens in hopes to attain their favor. On the other hand, ZenTar7Literally zen (silent) + tar (wind). had always called him a sore-loser. And so, even though he had no chance to win, he still didn’t want to end the competition completely empty-handed.
Finding a walnut tree he smiled and quickly started to climb it. It was just the right season, he thought, pulling himself upward. If only Nox8Literally nox (night). Where Nox is the name of the Clan, also the name of a Province. didn’t have such hot summers, when water was scarce to put it mildly, he’d make sure they planted a lot of walnuts, and almonds, and other such trees. Their nuts not only were delicious they were also very nutritious, much more so than regular fruits like oranges and apples.
Quickly filling his backpack with the round nuts, he was wondering where he could find a smooth rock where to crack them open, when a glint of silver caught his eye. Pulling his backpack on, he crawled on his hands and knees across a wide branch. And there it was, amongst the leaves, a round silvery coin imprinted with a sun.
Collecting it he quickly looked around and noticed a rope tied around the large tree trunk, and something that looked very much like a small wooden platformed nailed to the next tree. Unwrapping the rope, he pulled on it several times to test it, and then grabbed it firmly, jumping from the tree, swinging himself towards the wooden platform. He sighed in relief when he managed to safely reach it and, crouching low, looked around, searching, until he found another token.
Standing up, ZaiWin took a closer look at the surrounding trees. Here and there he could see that other platforms had been assembled, there were also rough, handmade stairs and a few planks stretching from one tree to another like wooden bridges.
So they had built a path through the tree’s canopies, he concluded with a smile, holding on to the tree trunk to pass from one branch to the other. That was just perfect. He was sure that very few people would notice it and even less would choose to take it. And he’d be much safer up there, with the added bonus that he would still manage to collect a few tokens in the process. All he had to do was be careful not to fall, he told himself looking down at the ground far below his feet. If he didn’t die from it, he’d most certainly die during the following days, once they left him behind.
ZaiWin spent the rest of the competition jumping from tree to tree like some wild animal, making use of whatever means they’d left for him. Still, it was far from being an easy task and, more than once, he was sure that his short height would be the death of him, since there were a lot of situations when his hands could hardly reach the next branch, or his legs were just too short to allow him to jump as far as he would have liked.
The sudden shrill sound of screaming captured his attention, making him turn back.
It wasn’t the first time he heard or saw other kids. When that happened he’d always remain as quiet as possible, watching them from above, not wanting to reveal his presence. But this … this was different. And so he tried his best to pass from the tree where he now stood to the one behind him, and that had clearly been excluded from the path that had been previously built.
With a deep breath for courage he ran across the branch and jumped, barely holding on the next branch, his hands hurting from the impact, his fingers almost giving in. Clenching his teeth, he exerted all his strength to pull his legs up and lace them around the branch, so he could finally exhale in relief. Pulling himself up he finally crossed the branch and made his way to the other side.
Passing from that tree to the next one, and from there to the next one was thankfully much easier, the screams growing closer and closer, two distinct voices begging for help.
Finally reaching the area, ZaiWin lay down on the branch and peered down.
The first thing he saw were two red heads. They were both sitting on a large boulder, as if they had decided to take a rest, and they were both calmly looking down a deep hole.
He recognized the twins immediately. Even though they were brother and sister they were so alike that they could easily pass for one another if they dressed the same clothes, which was presently the case. But what shocked him the most were the two boys at the bottom of the hole, screaming for their lives, screaming in pain, since their bodies had been stabbed by numerous thin, pointy wood stakes.
There was blood everywhere, he thought with a shiver, seeing as they could hardly breathe, coughing and choking on their own blood. Not that he was new to blood and death. He’d seen plenty of that in the past six years. But it still horrified him at a deeper level that he had never shared with anyone, not even with ZenTar. And yet, more than the blood, the most disturbing thing was the calm, indifferent expression on the twins’ faces. They were clearly not going to help them. And looking at them he was sure that the trap that had victimized the two boys had been of their own doing.
Even when they’d been younger, the twins had always been weird. Only one year older than him, Wen LinWan9Literally lin (silver) + wan (fire) and Wen GinWan10Literally gin (golden) + wan (fire) never interacted much with the other children, keeping mostly to themselves, talking to each other in some weird language no one else seemed to understand. Although, unlike FeiWan11Literally fei (raging / furious) + wan (fire) and CalWan12Literally cal (bright) + wan (fire), they had never actually picked on him, they had always glared at him with a cold and creepy expression, as if they were imagining ways to torture or punish him, and finding comfort in their fertile imagination. They had been known for being especially cruel towards animals, and they had even dared to kill one of the El’Dai13Literally el (supreme) + dai (light). Name given to the Empress’s favorite horses and open it up just to see what it looked like on inside, or so the rumors said. That during the last six years they’d upgraded from animals to people, though appalling, was hardly unexpected.
Keeping as quiet as possible ZaiWin simply lay there, watching until the screaming finally subsided and the two boys drew their last breaths. There was no way he could have beaten GinWan and LinWan, even if he had wanted to save them, even if they were salvageable, which was hardly the case.
You have to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head! What’s the use of killing yourself trying to save them when they’re already dead?, ZenTar’s angry voice echoed in his head. What if you die? Who will save all the others that can actually be saved? No matter how strong you are there’s no way you can help all of them! And you’re still just a weak kid! If you really want to help your people you have to live for a very long time! So stop with the egocentric, self-gratifying act, wanting to be some kind of hero, and use your brains! That’s why you have them!
Only after the two inside the hole finally went silent did the twins stand up, peering down one last time, before calmly making their way into the woods.
Since the appointed time drew closer, ZaiWin decided it was better to start making his way back to the camp. Still he refused to leave the treetops until the last minute. Besides the twins’ cruel trap, he’d seen enough stealing and extortion to know that it was hardly safe to stay on the ground. He only wished he could jump from treetop to treetop all the way to the safety of the camp.
Making sure no one was around, keeping in sight the Calzai’s men expecting them by the flags, he finally slid down the tree and dashed at full speed towards the finish line. He was gasping and out of breath when he reached it, but at least he hadn’t been intercepted by anyone. Handing them the thirty-seven tokens he’d managed to gather, he could finally sigh in relief.
By the time the appointed hour arrived only thirty of the thirty-six kids that had taken part of the event were back. Half an hour later another boy returned, limping severely, his ankle swollen and purple.
Since no one else came back the Calzai’s men left the camp to look for the rest. So they didn’t know where they were, ZaiWin thought watching them go. Which meant that, although they were there to keep them safe, they weren’t really watching them that closely.
They returned a few hours later, carrying a crying blond girl on the back of one of the men. Apparently she’d fallen, trying to jump over a ditch, and broke her leg. Of the other four there was no sign and the searches would go on during the night.
ZaiWin took a peek at the score sheet nailed to a tree and sighed.
The six that hadn’t been able to comply with the schedule had all been attributed zero points. Penalty points from delays on the fulfillment of yesterday’s tasks had also been accounted. And so, overall, his thirty-seven tokens had landed him in tenth place. Not that it mattered either way.
As expected, with a total of one-hundred-and-seven tokens, CalWan had taken the lead, closely followed by FeiWan with one-hundred-and-five. NimRen14Literally nim (gentle) + ren (river) had placed third, with ninety-eight, and the twins both had gathered ninety-three tokens each. The gap between the royals and the nobles was clear, since the sixth place, a boy named FonRou15Literally fon (tall) + rou (rock). from the Province of Pon16Literally pon (mountain). Where Pon is the name of the Clan, also the name of a Province., had totaled only forty-six tokens.
This arc is making me like ZaiWin more. It's nice to see him not frightening Snow and calling him brat for a change XD
Yeah. Though I know some people find it a bit boring I think it allows us to know about his mindset a little bit better, since the grown-up ZaiWin is a master at hiding his true thoughts and feelings.
@Silvareiel it totally does! :D it's kind of a pity that he seems like such a douche in his present interactions with Snow, even though if you look closely it's quite understandable xD
shadowed in red
--> shaded in red (although this is a colloquial correction as opposed to a grammatical one)
placed in a strategical places
--> placed strategically ("a" is unnecessary, and although the usage of "place" is different, it is still redundant to have it twice in the same sentence). Alternatively, you could say "placed in strategic positions". Strategical is not a word.
start line
--> starting line (colloquial)
everything went quiet
--> everything became quiet (colloquial)
no one would catch him by surprise. He could hear voices at a distance, shouting back and forth, but thankfully there was no one
--> two times "no one", right after the other... it's a bit redundant. Consider revising the second instance to: "thankfully, none were close enough." (repetition is my pet peeve :/, so feel free to ignore this point)
path he sighed
--> path, he sighed.
that useless competition
--> this useless competition (since he's in it now, and it's not retrospect)
If only Nox didn’t have such hot summers, when water was scarce to put it mildly, he’d make sure they planted a lot of walnuts, and almonds, and other such trees.
--> My correction depends on the intent of this sentence...which is unclear. Are you trying to say that he would plant trees, but he can't because water is scarce? Or are you trying to say that he plants these trees whenever water is scarce? Or that, seeing walnut trees, he will decide to do this in the future for the benefit of Nox?
- [A] If only Nox didn’t have such hot summers... if water was scarce, to put it mildly, he could make sure they planted a lot of walnut, almond, and other such [low-moisture] nut trees.
- [B] If only Nox didn’t have such hot summers...; when water was scarce, to put it mildly, he'd make sure they (who is they?) would plant a lot of walnut, almond, and other such [low-moisture] nut trees.
like some wild animal
--> like a wild animal (minor colloquial, take it or leave it)
for more than once,
--> more than once
to jump as far as he he would have liked to
-->to jump as far as he would have liked (don't end a sentence in a preposition, especially when you already have one, author-tan!)
The sudden shrieking sound of screaming
--> (shrieking and screaming are redundant. Change the adjective or get rid of one.) The sudden [shrill] sound of {screaming/shrieking}.
and finding comfort
--> , finding comfort
dared kill one to
--> dared [to] kill one of
or so they had said.
--> who is they? Maybe change to "people" or "the rumors"
egoic, self-centered
--> egotistical[, self-centered] (and also, self-centered makes it redundant, consider changing to something else, like "impulsive")
did the twins stood up
--> did the twins stand up
into the woods
--> aren't they already in the woods? You should specify if they are in a clearing for the above scene, or change to something like "through the woods" or "out of sight".
Still he refused
--> Still, he refused
all the way the safety
--> all the way to the safety
and keeping in sight the Calzai’s men
--> , and keeping in sight of [the] Calzai’s men
So they didn’t know where they were,
--> consider italicizing characters thoughts ^^
on one of the men’s back
--> on the back of one of the men
Apparently she’d fallen, trying to jump over a ditch, and broke her leg.
--> Apparently, trying to jump over a ditch, she’d fallen, breaking her leg. (just a suggestion, it's also fine as-is)
took a peak
--> took a peek
Not that it matter either way
--> Not that it mattered either way
I really want to cry right now, ah! I'm not depressed or anything. Just want to cry at my silliness >_> Just been through all of your notes regarding this chapter.
The thing with the sentence "If only Nox didn’t have such hot summers, when water was scarce to put it mildly, he’d make sure they planted a lot of walnuts, and almonds, and other such trees." is your first meaning. In other words, if the summers in Nox weren't so hot that there's practically no water, he would plant a lot of trees, walnuts and almonds and so on. At this time Nox is extremely out of balance, since it has been without a Governor for a long time. The weather is one of the things that's completely screwed up (just like my sentence lol) After reading it again I get what you mean about it being unclear. But I still couldn't fix it T_T Any good suggestions?
Er ... can't I end sentences with prepositions? Damn! Have to check other chapters. I'm sure I've written a few sentences like that. I'm sure because it always gives me pause and I keep wondering if it sounds right or wrong. Guess it sounds wrong >_>
And I really want to kill that "peak" that should be "peek"! I knew that!
Anyway, thank you so much for your hard work. I'm off to the next chapter
@Silvareiel
For the walnut tree part. When in doubt, if it is difficult to capture the meaning that you are trying to convey in a single, all-encompassing sentence, it might be best to just expand into a more natural explanation as you did in your comment! It may take up more space, but your readers won't fault you for lacking brevity if they will be able to understand you more clearly.
As for the revision, there are many ways that you can expand upon this sentence to make it clearer with an additional sentence or two. You need to establish a few things in order NZW's feelings in this situation to make sense: A) NZW would like to be able to grow these trees in Nox because it would help his people thrive, B) the nut trees need water in order to grow (which is why they can grow where he currently is), C) Nox's clime doesn't have enough water to consistently support these trees growth, D) NZW laments the helplessness of the situation. If you cleaned up the explanation you gave me to suit the novel, that would work just fine!
---
The reason why I pointed out the preposition, in this case, is because not only did you end a sentence in a preposition ('to'), but you already had the necessary preposition in the proper place (see the 'to' at the beginning of the quote). Ending sentences with a preposition are a grammarian's pet-peeve. In modern and spoken English, doing so is not rare, and it is casually accepted. However, you are writing from the perspective of a historical world. In proper English, it is best to avoid a preposition at the end of a sentence unless absolutely necessary, but, it can often lead to a writing style that seems stuffy or old-fashioned. I happened to appreciate that crotchety writing style, but this can be taken as my personal bias.
Although your proper/modern English can be a little disparate at times (more than just prepositions, but also words like "yeah" or "okay"), you should not take this to heart! Even native English speakers have difficulty adjusting their writing style to older colloquial standards; it's very difficult, and I try really hard to keep that in mind when I write my own fantasy. If you want me to pay attention to the modern/casual English that you use, and suggest more historically appropriate dialogue, I can do so, but it requires significantly more restructuring. Additionally, many readers may find it tedious, despite being more accurate. There is a reason why historical speech is antiquated! Plenty of other web-novelists pay little heed to the consistency of their speech if it is not inherently modern. It's like speaking with a foreign accent. :P
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/youve-been-lied-to-heres-why-you-absolutely-can-end-a-sentence-with-a-preposition/
https://www.englishpage.com/prepositions/preposition-end-of-sentence.htm
P.S. - working on your new chapters, as well as my own story~~ you inspired me to get started on my own series!
time when you must be back on camp and present your tokens for counting.
'at which time' you must be back 'in' camp and present your tokens for counting
I'm a horror fan so I love twisted twins
The twins twisted personality was a surprise for me as well But maybe because I'm also a horror fan I can't actually dislike them.
Once more, thank you so much for your corrections
Uhhh, vaya, desde el principio me gustaban bastante los gemelos. Aunque curiosamente es cierto que también me los imaginé como esos niños raros y espeluznantes con rostro de muñeca que siempre se quedan juntos y hacen cosas raras. Es curioso que, a pesar de todo, no pueda imaginarlos como malos, es decir, me imagino a FeiWan más como uno de esos niños malos y matones (aunque por alguna razón me sigue gustando), pero sinceramente los gemelos parecen más bien de esos que tienen algún tipo de enfermedad o trastorno mental.
En resumen, me gustan todos los niños reales excepto NimRen. Puede que me hayas cautivado con sus elegantes y deslumbrantes descripciones, con sus ropas brillantez y decoradas junto con sus largos y sedosos cabellos rojizos recogidos en intrincados peinados con joyas.
Aah, Author-tan, reading your content is pure relief after torturous hours of geometry!
"Once everything became quiet he finally made his way to the flags, carefully keeping watch of his surroundings, making sure no one would catch him by surprise." - Once everything became quiet,* (commas are extremely important [https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp], so, sorry if my continuous mention of them annoys you!)
"He could hear voices at a distance, shouting back and forth, but thankfully none was close enough that he could actually see." - back and forth, but, thankfully,* none were*
"Finding a walnut tree he smiled and quickly started to climb it." - Finding a walnut tree,*
"Their nuts not only were delicious they were also very nutritious, much more so than regular fruits like oranges and apples." - Their nuts were not only delicious,* (and also, Ceil-sama's corrections of the sentence before this one)
"Quickly filling his backpack with the round nuts, he was wondering where he could find a smooth rock where to crack them open, when a glint of silver caught his eye." - the second 'where' is unnecessary. You might want to eliminate it since repetition sounds bad. And the comma after 'open' is also unnecessary.
"And there it was, amongst the leaves, a round silvery coin imprinted with a sun." - round, silvery coin*
"Collecting it he quickly looked around and noticed a rope tied around the large tree trunk, and something that looked very much like a small wooden platformed nailed to the next tree." - Collecting it,*..... small, wooden platform*
"Pulling himself up he finally crossed the branch and made his way to the other side." - Pulling himself up,*
"Passing from that tree to the next one, and from there to the next one was thankfully much easier, the screams growing closer and closer, two distinct voices begging for help." - ,thankfully,*
"Even though they were brother and sister they were so alike that they could easily pass for one another if they dressed the same clothes, which was presently the case." - Even though they were brother and sister,*
"And looking at them he was sure that the trap that had victimized the two boys had been of their own doing." - And looking at them,*
"If you really want to help your people you have to live for a very long time!" - If you really want to help your people,*
"Still he refused to leave the treetops until the last minute." - Still,*
"By the time the appointed hour arrived only thirty of the thirty-six kids that had taken part of the event were back." - in the event*
"Since no one else came back the Calzai’s men left the camp to look for the rest." - Since no one else came back,*
Aah, cutie psychopaths *internal screaming*! Well, that was quite an interesting chapter! Now I'm going back into my burrow to check the next one!