"𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯, 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘵, 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳"
"What a pity that the only time you ever look at me is when I'm about to lose my head."
She grinned, staring up at the male in front of her, his eyes full of rage. The sword that was sheathed quickly met at the front of her neck, cutting it slightly. However, her face remained the same, without a flinch. She stared at him, almost mockingly.
"Shut up." He stared down at her as though she were nothing but garbage. "You've already lost your head years ago when you had the audacity to steal her place."
Her place. That's right.
She didn't belong here, no, she didn't belong anywhere. She was like a lost pet brought home out of pity, she never once felt like she deserved to take up the space she was given.
Her smile faded, and the man laughed at her, spitting down onto her face.
"That's right. Make that miserable stone cold expression, you're nothing like her."
She didn't bother trying to move- not when her legs were tied together and her arms stayed cuffed behind her back.
Her eyes scanned the audience in front of her, the nobles and commoners alike came to watch her meet her miserable and well deserved end. If she still had the energy, she'd continue to give them all her practiced smile- not that it mattered.
The only time they acknowledged her existence was when she was at the mercy of them all- a clown on display.
"Right... because it was all my fault that she died, wasn't it?"
"I SAID, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" he screamed, grabbing a fistful of her hair and dragging her exhausted body towards the guillotine.
She bit back a yelp as her threw her down, feeling the wood snap down onto the back of her head- most likely on purpose.
She weakly lifted her head up as far as she could. eyes scanning the way the people cheered at seeing her in her pathetic state.
"Any regrets, witch?"
She glanced up at the man, tempted to tell him to fuck off, but as she did her vision landed on a familiar face in the back.
'Mother. Father.'
She gave a sad smile to the ground, laughing at herself in her head. Did she ever have the right to call them that? Were they ever truly hers?
She didn't want to disgrace them the way she did, even if she knew they didn't truly love her. The fact that she could clearly see the way her mother clung onto her father, the tears that strolled down his face that he didn't bother hiding- it was too much.
She didn't want to embarrass them any longer.
"I have only one regret," She spoke, not bothering too look into the eyes of anyone. She couldn't even will herself to cry, as she stared down at the wood beneath her body. "That I ever tried to be someone worthy of her memories."
The crowd laughed alongside the man, and she closed her eyes awaiting her fate.
Goddess, if I may beg for mercy, could you let me begin again?
Even if I can never see her again.
That'd be alright.
Please just let me start over...
I just want to be loved.
I just want-
The clock tower strikes, the sound of the bell ringing echoed throughout the capital as well as the sound of the people rejoicing accompanied by the sound of metal cutting into flesh.
"...Up!"
"Hhh..."
"Wake up! ...Wake up already, you stupid brat!"
Her cheek burned, as she felt her body go numb as it slammed against the cold pavement. Quickly, her eyes shot open in surprise, not hesitating to scream back in annoyance.
"What is wrong with you!? How did I even get here??"
As her vision adjusted she quickly assessed that she was no longer staring at a crowd laughing at the pitiful display. Looking at the way the walls were cracked and bare, she assumed she was in some kind of a cell. When she looked up, she saw a much larger man standing above her, face wrinkly and anger evident from a mile away.
The man grabbed her by the arm roughly, enough to dislocate it if he wasn't so careful.
"That's enough out of you! Get up already, I don't keep you here for nothing, you ungrateful child." He spat in her face, dropping her down and walking away. On his way out he knocked over a bucket and mop, causing the water in the bucket to spill out beneath her bruised body. All she could do as she watched was stare angrily.
"Child!? How dar- ow!" It was at that moment she realized, grabbing onto an arm that was much tinier than her own, that she was not herself. Looking down she stared at her own body covered in hastily wrapped bandages, vision blurring slightly.
"What the...?" She got up quickly, running over to the bucket with the water spilling out, desperately searching for her reflection in the puddle. What greeted her was a face littered with dirt and bruises, a body smaller than she was used to seeing reflected back at her. She took a quick look at her hands, covered in hastily wrapped bandages and blood- whether it was hers or not, she didn't know.
'I feel like I'm reliving hell all over again.'
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GETTING UP YOU BRAT? GET A MOVE ON!"
Her head turned towards the sound of the mans screaming, eyes scanning her surroundings carefully.
The walls were cracked, wallpaper slightly tearing off the walls and the buzzing of flies swarming towards the disgustingly bright lights made her head spin. The floor was nothing more than concrete, which looked like it used to be covered delicately with a carpet now hastily ripped away. The air was thick with dust and the smell was putrid.
She was back in the orphanage.
She quickly stood up, ignoring the pain in her ankles and ribcage where the director- the man screaming- kicked her earlier. She remembered this day, and she always told herself had she had the chance she'd do things differently.
November 22nd. She never kept track of the years, but she remembers being down in this cellar on this day. She was thrown in after she took the punishment meant for another child there. She placed her hands on her cheek, the faint throbbing from the beating last night felt like nothing after she's lived into her adult years under the constant torment and harassments by noble ladies around her.
She climbed up the ladder as quietly as she could, wanting to stick to the shadows. She could hear the sound of the other children's footsteps running around on the floor, lining up for a visit from a potential family looking to adopt.
Before she could even fully get out she felt the director yank her by her arm again, close to dislocating it from her shoulder. But she bit her lip and stiffled her gasp, she knew that showing any weakness would not help her.
"You, we have visitors so go to your room and DONT MAKE A NOISE!" He let her go, almost throwing her onto the floor and turned away to rush to the main hall.
The girl simply brushed the dirt off her dress and made her way to her room, eyes locked on the ground in thought. Was all of this even real, or was it a nightmare? Was she in hell? Was this what they meant when they said the goddess would make her suffer for eternity? She was never a heavy believer in the church, the most she did was offer her prayers when instructed to before dinner, but even then she never believed that they would reach the goddess herself.
As she approached her shared room, she saw one of the kids stuck in their bed, heaving hard. She made her way to them, placing the back of her hand against their head.
No, this was real. She went back in time.
Not wasting a second, she struggled to pull a stool over to the side of the bed to look at the child closer, grabbing their hand and speaking quietly.
"Cain?" She whispered.
"H...H... Wh...What..."
"No, I'm sorry, don't reply. It'll be okay. Don't push yourself." She quickly cut him off, brows furrowed as she heard him struggling to cough.
She remembered originally, she ignored the punishment she'd get later and ran to the director while the guests were there, knowing that he'd treat him if the guests knew that there was a sick child. But that action caused a drastic change in her life, resulting in her eventual death. She tried weighing the pros over the very obvious con, but every time she heard him wheeze, barely able to breathe, she mentally slapped herself in the face.
How could she weigh her own life over a child who might die if she doesn't get them help? Especially after already screwing up the first time around, she didn't want to make mistakes again. Mistakes do include running out there for help from the director, but she figured if she tried hard enough she could get his fever down on her own.
She jumped off the stool, ignoring the further pain caused by her ankle, and ran to the doorway. Before she left, she looked back at the kid, smiling.
"I'll be back, please hold on."
The kid didn't have time to reply or to question her as she ran out the door. Instead of going straight to the main hall like before, she figured getting getting a cold towel could help cool him down a bit. She was just lucky it didn't seem to be a cold, as the only source of warm water in the orphanage was the private bathroom that belonged to the director.
She made sure to quietly sneak past any of the teachers walking around tidying up frantically. She figured that the visitors asked to look around deeper into the building. She scoffed at their efforts, and couldn't stop her face from scrunching up in disgust. If they truly cared about keeping up appearances and were capable of making the place look better than it is normally, why don't they put in more effort? She hated each and every one of them.
"Around... here!" She struggled to find the door to the bathroom after being gone for so long, but it seemed her body remembered the route on its own. She looked around for a rag, but the only ones she could find sat in disgusting buckets filled with questionable liquid. She looked down at the dress she wore- sure it was covered in dirt and some blood, but it was better than soaked with unknown fluids.
She didn't hesitate and ripped the bottom half of her dress to make a makeshift rag, lifting it up to the large dirty sink and cover it with cold water. She ran over to one of the empty buckets in the corner they used for bathing, and did her best to lift it up to the sink and fill it so she could keep the rag cold as long as possible.
As she tried to pick the bucket up out of the sink again, she realized she underestimated how heavy a bucket full of water would feel to a tiny child, especially a malnourished, abused one. As she lifted it up, she yelped, the bucket of water dumping all over her head. The feeling of cold water brought her back to the execution site, the feeling of people throwing their glass full of booze, water and other unidentified liquids gave her full body shivers.
Her hand absentmindedly held onto the red string she kept around her neck, fingers rubbing at the black button tied to the end of it. It always calmed her down, memories of a fleeting moment of happiness in her life. Despite the pain and anguish attached to this necklace, she couldn't bare to part with it.
She found herself lost in her memories, only snapping out of it the minute she heard an irritated grumble from the doorway.
'Shit.' She thought to herself, turning to meet the eyes of the director once again. She didn't expect for him to bring them towards this hallway anytime soon- or at all. She wondered how much they promised to pay him for him to risk letting them see how rundown this place truly was despite the donations they begged for from the church.
"WHAT ARE YOU-" He seemed to hesitate, turning around with an apologetic frantic smile, "I'm so sorry you guys have to see this, please, this will only be a moment!"
She heard the visitors from behind him begin to speak but were promptly cut off by him walking in and yanking her up off the floor, whispering loud enough for everyone to hear despite his attempts at keeping quiet,
"You idiotic brat, why couldn't you just stay in your room like you were told!" He grabbed her face with his other hand, squishing her cheeks so hard she thought her head was to pop like the cherries she remembered eating in the spring. "Do you like punishments? Does it make you feel alive? Would you like to die instead?"
She couldn't respond, but the pressure from his grip caused her to accidentally rip her necklace off her neck as she gripped onto it tightly to stay calm. She forgot how scary all of this was, and despite her mentally being an adult, the fear of being abused never quite left her body's reflexes. The minute the necklace fell onto the ground she panicked, wriggling to get out of his grasp and pick it up off the ground
"Are you even paying attention to me, you brat!?!" He threw her back onto the floor, eyes glancing at what she was worried about. He walked over, picking the string up with a baffled countenance. Not even a few seconds later, he chucks it at her face in anger. "What's so important about a string that you can't obey me for ONE SECOND!? Can't you see you're being rude to the visitors? DO YOU NOT WANT A HOME?"
"A string?"
The director turned around to face the woman after he heard her quiet voice, plastering on his fake polite business man face.
"Ah, but do not worry Duchess Auberil! This child is notorious for starting troubles, surely you understand. Her parents didn't even bother to drop her off, so she tends to make it the rest of our problems but we're trying very hard to rehabilitate her!" He quickly grabbed her to stand her up again, his grip on her tiny arms tighter than it should be, and dragged her in front of him in front of the woman.
"Now now, apologize for disrupting the tour for no reason." His grip on her shoulders and sickly fake sweet tone made her feel sick all over again.
"It wasn't for no reason, Cain's sick."
"A child is sick and you're giving us a tour?" The man next to the woman peaked in, face stern and disapproving.
"Haha, all the kids fake being sick when visitors come over all the time! They just love it here so much they sometimes get too scared to leave, you understand, surely?" She could hear him grind his teeth as he gave them an ugly smile.
She figured she had nothing to lose by exposing more and more- after all, she's already died and she didn't even process any pain. She doesn't know if Cain ever got the help he needed, or if he ever had the chance to escape the orphanage after she left the orphanage. So if she spilled to the visitors all of its problems, chances are they'd get transferred to a better orphanage in the city, or even taken in by the church. She had to try.
Thinking back on all her old behavior, the acting out for attention and begging for affection from anyone who would offer it even if it was fake- she mentally cringed. All of that, for what? To die in vain? Even though she was given a second chance at life all she did was agonize over the fact that her life was nothing more than a replacement for another's, and made it everybody's problem.
She could change things starting now. Even if she didn't change much, she'd find peace knowing she tried.
"They don't properly feed or bathe us. They don't even give us real clothes until visitors like you come to adopt one of us. He hides the strong kids away so that we'll continue doing the labor for the staff-"
"NOW- Now now, dear, disrupting and causing a scene is one thing, but lying for attention?"
She felt her heart sting at his words, and for a second she questioned herself.
Did she actually want to help these kids get out or was she really only doing it to atone for her actions in the past? Did she ever even care for Cain the first time around, or did she just want the attention of the family looking for a child? Did she ever have any empathy in the first place?
For attention. Has it always been for attention?
"It's not..." She mumbled quietly, eyes darting nervously at the ground, lost in her anxiety. Despite her mental age, she felt herself becoming small again, her mind struggling to process her thoughts. "I'm not lying."
She felt a gentle hand reach out to grab her own, and she didn't need to look up to know who's it was.
"Is what you said true?" The woman asked softly.
She smelled of peaches and lilac, like the pie she always had during tea time and the flowers that she kept in various vases in her home. The smell reminded her of warmth and comfort, memories of sitting in the garden painting the flowers during the springtime when they bloomed, sipping on tea brewed delicately with the petals.
She tried to avoid it as much as she could, but she found herself right back where she was the first time.
"I promise."
"Is that so?" She could hear the woman's smile despite her gaze being fixated on the floor. "What's your name?"
"Liana."
"Well Liana," The woman stuck her pinky out "Do you pinky promise?"
She looked up, knowing that her next reply would dictate her future. Did she deserve this second chance? Did she even want it? What happens if her jealousy and rage overtake her again? What was the point in her returning to this point, was the Goddess playing tricks on her?
But her feelings were irrelevant, she wanted to help Cain. She wrapped her tiny pinky around the woman's in solidarity. They woman smiled at her, and then straightened her posture to look at her husband. The two seemed to exchange looks as though they were having a conversation with just their eyes.
"Director, we'll be reporting this incident to the church. You better have a good explanation for this." The man spat, his glare causing the Director to stumble back a little, clearly panicking.
"Y-You won't seriously believe a child over me, right!? The church has been supporting me for years in taking care of these children, they trust me! You'd be making a mistake!"
"Then you wouldn't mind if we just launch a personal investigation instead, would you?" The man retaliated, tone cold as ice.
While the two of them spoke, the director mostly screaming, the Woman held out her hand for Liana to take.
"Would you come show me where this sick child is, dear?"
Liana hesitated, but eventually gave in, holding onto her hand. She didn't know if the butterflies in her stomach were happiness or fear.
"There, that should help your fever go down a little bit."
Liana watched as the woman placed the torn part of her dress onto Cain's head, watching him peacefully drift into sleep after cooling down a bit. She was just as she remembered, kind and composed. She knew the Duchess had her fits of mania, mainly when she had nightmares of her daughters disappearance, but most of the time she never let that stop her from being a kind and loving mother even when Liana didn't deserve it.
"Usually adults don't like touching sick children."
The Duchess paused, her body language getting stiff as she repositioned herself on the chair next to her. Despite how uncomfortable she looked, she still gave Liana a smile.
"Every child deserves a parent that will take care of them when they're sick. And if none of these children have one then," She paused, her thumb rubbing Cain's tiny hands in a soothing motion. "I don't mind being one temporarily."
Kind, loving, generous and empathetic... Why did Liana ever treat her the way she did?
"We did actually come here to adopt a child, a daughter."
It was Liana's turn to stiffen, she remembered having this conversation in the Directors office when they adopted her, the Duchess initially sobbing into her handkerchief as she thanked the goddess for reuniting her with her daughters mystery friend.
"I was actually looking for you, I believe."
This was new however, the way Liana remembered their initial meeting going was the Duchess claiming she knew the minute she saw her that she wanted to adopt her, never mentioning that she was specifically searching for the other half of the necklace. They hid the truth from her until she got to the house and heard it from the staff- that she was nothing more than a replacement.
"That necklace," The Duchess pointed to the string in Liana's grip "I think my daughter has the other half, she vanished for a while and came back with an identical one and spoke of a girl who looked like her- she spoke of her as if she was a long lost sister."
Liana saw tears fall from the Duchess' eyes, but made no attempt at making it known that she noticed. Instead, Liana kept her gaze on the string in her hands- if this were the first time around, her memories of Luciana would be fresh in her mind. But now that it's been years, their time together felt like a fever dream, blurry and unreal. If the house wasn't filled with her portraits, she wouldn't be able to recall her face anymore.
"So, please let me know, do you remember her?"
It'd be so easy to get out of this if she said no, but then the Duchess and Duke would be spending the rest of their lives chasing after a girl they'd unknowingly already met. It'd be cruel to make them think this was all in their head.
"I do. Luci was very kind to me."
Duchess Auberil finally broke, her hand coming up to stifle the sobs falling from her mouth, her other hand reaching out to hold Liana's in a desperate attempt to keep herself steady as though she was going to fall out of her chair.
"Please," Her voice was shaky and unrefined, and Liana finally noticed how deep the dark circles were under her eyes, and how boney her fingers felt. "Please, if you want, we can take you home with us today. You'll have a room, and warm food and a warm bath everyday- Oh dear I'm sorry if I'm being too overwhelming, but you're all we have left of her."
The Duchess's pleas made her happy in the past, how eager she was to bring her home even if she didn't know why she fought so hard to adopt her, the feeling of being wanted in the past was all she ever wanted. But knowing what she knew now made her scared, was she prepared to go back to that life?
But where else was she supposed to go? Even if the Director got fired or they got moved to another orphanage or church, orphans almost never make it past their adult years unless a noble couple decided to adopt them. Would anybody from the city even want to adopt her? She had no skills, she was nothing special. Sure with her knowledge of literature, politics, and all she had been educated about could help her land a job, but she wasn't sure anybody would hire her this young, and she was so used to being a noble that she wasn't sure if she'd be prepared for the real world, or relearning how to survive it without the backing of the Duchess and Duke.
It'd be the smart decision, to stay until she became of age and somehow managed to save up her allowances to live a quiet, normal life away from others- but did she deserve it?
"I know you're not her," Those words snapped Liana out of it, her eyes widening at the Duchess. "And I don't intend on pretending you are. But she longed to see you again after she returned. She truly cared for you. And I want to understand why, and care for you as well."
The duchess turned her entire body to face the child, looking into her eyes and taking her hands into her own.
"I do not wish to force you, but I meant what I said. Every child deserves a parent that will care for them. Sick or not."
The tears fell from her eyes before she could stop them, and Liana let go of the Duchess' hands to wipe them away frantically, turning away so she didn't see her.
'Is this okay?' She couldn't stop them no matter how hard she tried. Up until her final breath on that stand, before the sword came down to bid her adieu, she saw their faces sobbing. And she wondered, did they regret it? Did they regret adopting her? Did they miss her now that the Liana Von Aubreil of the past was gone? Did they mourn for her like they did for their flesh and blood?
She owed it to them in this life. After all the pain they went through, even though she threw all their effort away, they still shed tears for her. She may have been a replacement, and they may claim otherwise- but despite that they were nothing but accommodating and kind to her. It wasn't fair.
She wanted to start over. She wanted to repay them for the kindness they gave her in her first life.
"Would you like to return to the Duchy with us, as Liana Von Auberil?"
She didn't bother responding with words, afraid she'd choke on her uncontrolled tears, only offering a nod in response.
