4

Seeds of Doubt

 

I set down both of my shoes on the shoe rack that stood next to the front door. I raised both my arms above my head and stretched, today was a pretty exhausting day and my body was tired.

“Why did you get home so late today?” my mom asked from the kitchen. I could hear the rush of water as she was washing the dishes. I had messaged her earlier than I would get home late today but hadn’t explained anything.

“Oh, just a club meeting,” I said. “I decided to join one.”

“You, a club?” she asked. She turned off the sink and took a peek at me. Which club is it? I never knew you would be interested in something like that.”

“The literary club,” I said setting my backpack down on a kitchen chair. I looked at the club timetable and found that the literary club met at the same time as the GSA club. As long as my parents didn’t dig too deep into things, it should be a decent enough lie to cover things up. “It supposedly helps a lot with English grades.”

“Oh of course, just for grades. Try making some friends while you’re there too, Jacob.”

“Yes Mom, I’ll cultivate a booming social life,” I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t be sarcastic with me,” she said, laughing slightly. “Look, all I’m saying is you’re missing out on a lot of the high school experience right now. Grades are important, yes, and I’m proud that you’re keeping them up. However, hanging out with friends is also important at this age, okay? Look at me now, I don’t have enough time to meet up with any friends. What, between work and taking care of you and your brother.”

“Yes, yes I understand,” I said. I’d heard different variations of this speech thousands of times and I was tired of it. I just hadn’t met anyone that I wanted to be friends with or interact with much out of necessity.

 

***

“There’s going to be a group project,” Mr. Lee, my U.S. history teacher, announced. The rest of yesterday had passed without anything eventful, and now I sat in the first class of the day. “Since this is the first project this school year, I want to see what you all are interested in. So the guidelines of the project are quite simple. Just research a significant event in American history, past 1776, and present your findings. The rubric will have more details, but that's the gist of it. Now, pair up into groups of four.”

I didn’t get up from my desk. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would be lumped in with the leftovers and be forced to do all the work. It had always been like that, I suppose it was a downside of not having friends. I stared at the floor and idly spun around my pencil as the room erupted into chatter. My mind idly slipped and I began daydreaming when I was interrupted.

“Hey, I was just wondering if you wanted to join our group,” a girl said. I looked up to see Zoe, from yesterday, in front of me. “We need a fourth person and since we already met you yesterday…” She trailed off and rose an eyebrow at me, expecting a response.

I looked over at the group of tables behind her to see Alex and Jasmine already talking there.

“Sure,” I said. It would be nice to have a proper group for once, and I might as well get to know the people in the club. Not to mention the fact that it would be awkward to refuse the invitation. “Let’s do it.”

I got up and moved to their table, making sure to bring my backpack with me. I set it down and collapsed onto the empty seat.

“Hi Jacob, welcome to the group,” Jasmine said. “We already have a topic, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I replied. To be honest, I had no clue what topic I would choose so I was glad they already decided on something. I’d never much been interested in history at all.

“Okay,” Zoe said. “Seeing as how most of us here are part of the LGBT community, I thought it would be a good idea to choose an event centered around that topic. So we’re thinking of doing the Stonewall riots.”

“Stonewall riots?” I asked. I had never heard of that before.

“Yeah, it was really instrumental in the fight for LGBT rights here in America,” Jasmine said. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know that much about it other than that. But we’re here to research it, right?”

“Yeah, I guess we are,” I replied.

 

***

“Transgender,” I muttered under my breath. “What exactly does that mean?” I asked the group. While researching, I had come across the word transgender more than a few times.

“You don’t know what transgender people are?” Zoe asked, raising her eyebrows. “I thought everybody knew what they were in this day and age.”

“No, no,” I said, rushing to defend myself. “I know what they are I just don’t know the specifics.”

“Well, it’s all pretty simple, actually,” Alex said, leaning over. “Basically, some people have a condition called gender dysphoria which means that the gender of their brain doesn’t match with their sex.”

“Wait, there’s a whole medical condition around this?” I asked. I always thought transgender people did what they did because they wanted to.

“Yup,” they responded. “Usually people with gender dysphoria feel uncomfortable in their bodies.”

“Isn’t that everybody?” I asked, tilting my head. “I mean, I don’t like my body much either.”

“I mean, that might just be insecurities but gender dysphoria goes a little deeper than that. For example, I felt uncomfortable about some of the gendered features I had, I’m not a big fan of what’s down there and other stuff like that.”

“Oh, I guess,” I said, my voice lacking even the slightest hint of confidence. I felt that way sometimes too, but I had assumed it was normal.

Some time passed as we all silently worked on the project together. Before I even knew it, bags began to rustle, signaling that everyone was packing up as class would be over soon.

“I have an idea,” Jasmine said. “How about we all hit up the arcade after school? We’re going to all know each other for a while anyways, so might as well get acquainted.”

“Oh sure,” Zoe said. “That sounds fun.”

“Count me in too,” Alex answered.

“How about you Jacob, are you in?”

I had come this far, I decided why not.

 

***

The lights of the arcade assaulted my eyes as we walked in after paying. We had each put 20 dollars in our cards, enough for a few hours of fun. I was immediately hit with the number of choices, there being more games than I could count.

“Jacob, you want a go at this?” Zoe asked as she walked over next to an arcade basketball machine.

“Sure,” I said, glad that someone made a choice for me. “I’m not that good but I’ll try.”

I took a shot with awkward form, and the ball ended up completely missing the rim. The next few shots didn’t go well either. By the end of the minute, besides a few lucky shots, most of the shots had either air-balled or clanked against the rim. I ended up with a score of 6, which I’m sure was one of the lowest scores ever recorded on the machine.

“I don’t think this is my area of expertise,” I said. The machine spat out a few pathetic tickets as a reward for my efforts.

Jasmine and Zoe went next, playing together. Jasmine dipped out after 20 seconds, laughing too hard after the ball went flying out of the machine after hitting the rim. Zoe also began laughing and was barely able to get a shot up, ending with a score of 4.

“Okay, okay,” Alex said. “Let me show you all how it’s done.”

They scanned their card and grabbed a basketball, ready to shoot. A fluid shooting motion led to shot after shot hitting nothing but the net. My eyes got tired looking back and forth between the ball and Alex. They were fast too, getting each shot off within a second. They finally finished with a score of 130.

“Easy,” they said. Alex turned around and rubbed the back of their head with a growing grin on their face.

Rolls of tickets began to come out of the machine as the rest of us stared in astonishment. Finally, Zoe broke the silence.

“How’d you do that? You were so fast and you were like fucking Michael Jordan or something. You didn’t miss a single one!”

“I’m not quite Michael Jordan,” Alex said, laughing. “I just played varsity basketball for a long time, I won the most valuable player award for the school district, actually.”

“Damn,” Zoe exclaimed, nodding. “That’s pretty impressive.”

“I don’t know how the high score is 260 though,” Alex said. “They must’ve shot each basketball with only a hand each.”

“Let’s go do some air hockey next,” I suggested, looking at the table sitting ahead.

“Sure, let’s go,” Alex said.

Alex and I decided to play together first, and Zoe and Jasmine stood off to the side to watch us play. We both really got into the game, refusing to let up a single point. That was until I hit the puck a little too hard and it flew off the table and landed straight on Jasmine’s forehead.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I yelled out. I rushed towards her, feeling incredibly guilty for hurting her. “Are you okay?”

Jasmine stumbled back a little and, surprisingly, started laughing. “Ah, it’s okay. Damn, that stings.”

“You’re not mad?” I asked.

“Why would I be? She asked. We’re friends and you made a mistake, no big deal.”

“Friends,” I muttered under my breath. Was this what Mom had meant?

 

***

“Okay, let’s take a photo before we go to commemorate the occasion,” Zoe said. We stood outside the arcade prizes in hand. I held a cute bear plushie in my hand, another one to add to my collection. “First GSA club meet-up, although we should probably invite Ryan and Thomas next time. Okay, gather up.”

We all crowded together as Zoe held out her phone, trying to get us all in the frame. I smiled a little awkwardly, it felt weird doing this, but a little nice too. The camera snapped, capturing a photo of us.

“Okay, I look way too good in this picture to not upload it,” Jasmine said. “Upload it and tag me, Zoe.”

“I’ll tag all of you,” Zoe responded. “Jacob, do you have an account? I don’t think I have you added.”

“Oh, I’ll make one,” I said. I was surprised I agreed, considering how vehemently I refused to make one before. I quickly entered my phone number and password, and the app alerted me that I now had an account. I read out loud my username and quickly got three friend requests.

“Here, we’re your first followers,” Zoe said. She fiddled with her phone a little bit. “Okay, it’s uploaded!”

I stared at the photo and smiled, as a bit of warmth flowed through my body.

 

***

“Two days in a row where you didn’t come straight home from school like you usually do,” my Mom said as I opened the front door. “Now exactly what were you doing.”

“You’re not going to believe it,” I replied.

“Try me.”

“I played at the arcade with some of my friends today.”

“Really?” my Mom asked. “You know, if you were doing something else you can tell me.”

“No, really!” I exclaimed. “Here, I’ll show you the proof.” I pulled up the picture on Instagram and showed it to her.

“So it’s true, I’m so glad you finally found some friends,” Mom said, hugging me. “Now tell me who they are.”

“This is Zoe and Jasmine,” I said, pointing them out on the screen. “They’re dating.”

“Oh,” she said, blinking in surprise. “Okay.”

“This is Alex. Oh, Alex is questioning their gender so prefers if you use gender-neutral terms.”

“Okay,” Mom said. “That’s a little confusing but I can make it work. So they’re your friend,” she asked, putting emphasis on the "they". She was a little awkward but it was clear she was doing her best.

“Yes, you’re okay with all that?” I asked.

“I mean, I’ll admit I don’t fully get all of this but I don’t need to. I just think it’s basic respect to call people what they like.”

I gulped. For some reason, a small part of my heart lunged in excitement at the news that she seemed to be supportive of LGBT people. I frowned a little bit as I thought of Dad though, he wouldn’t be nearly as understanding.

“Did you ever want a daughter, Mom?” I asked. The question just blurted out of my mouth, and even I was confused about where it had come from.

“Well, I was hoping to have a son and a daughter,” she said rubbing her chin. “I was hoping you would come out a girl, so we would have one of each, but it was never that big of a deal to me. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, I was just curious,” I said, my voice drifting off. “Oh, I have to do my homework now though,” I said. “I’m a little behind since I spent time playing today.”

I went up to my room and turned on my computer. I sat back in my chair for a little, deciding on which assignment to complete. Eventually, my hands went to search up the Stonewall Riots and I began to do some research. Eventually, as I found more and more mentions of transgender people, I decided to do some research on them. I quickly fell down the rabbit hole, finding article after article about gender dysphoria. Some of the articles described me perfectly, something that scared me. I did oftentimes feel uncomfortable with my body, and I had low self-esteem and isolated myself. All were apparent signs of gender dysphoria. Not to mention the glaring fact that I crossdressed often.

I threw myself into bed. This was all way too confusing for me, and I wasn’t able to make heads or tails of it. I buried my face into my pillow and started tossing and turning. What did this mean? I was afraid that I already knew the answer, but just didn’t want to admit it.