8

Indecision

As I was walking into school, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I looked at it, I was getting a call. I was confused, that was something I usually didn’t get many of. I assumed it was my mom calling me about something. I went to hide behind the big sign that read Westside High and picked up the phone.

“Hey, Julie, it’s me, Ryan,” I heard a familiar voice say.

“Ryan?” I asked. “Why did you call me?”

“Oh I just wanted to remind you we have a GSA meeting today, we need you to show up at least for one more meeting. Just in case you forgot.”

“No, no, I didn’t forget, don't worry,” I said, shaking my head even though Ryan wouldn’t be able to see.

“Great, hope to see you then,” he replied. I could almost see him grinning through the phone screen.

“Wait, how did you even get my number though?” I asked, frowning. I didn’t recall ever giving it to Ryan.

“I asked your brother,” he said, laughing. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh,” I said. “That’s fine, I don’t mind at all.”

“Great, also add me back on Instagram. I’ll see you later today.”

The phone hung up, leaving me alone again. I quickly pulled up my phone. I’d completely forgotten about the Instagram account I made a few days ago until I opened it again today. There were a couple of follow requests, which surprised me. There were quite a few familiar names. I followed them all back and put my phone back into my pocket, walking into the school.

***

“Class, settle down,” Mr. Lee said. My history class was loud and full of chatter as we all sat down. He clapped his hands together, waiting for us to calm down. Eventually, the conversations faded away, making the room quiet. “So this class I’ll give you some time to work on your projects. Get together with your groups, you have the entire class period so use it well.”

I picked up my backpack, sighing that I had to get up as soon as I sat down. I made my way over to Alex, Jasmine, and Zoe. “Hi,” I said, sitting down in an empty seat.

“Hey Jacob,” Zoe said.

“Oh my God, Jacob, you completed almost the entire project,” Jasmine said, gasping as she looked at her laptop. “You did all this?”

“Was I not supposed to?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “I thought I just did my part of the work.”

“No, you did pages of research on the transgender people involved and the movement behind it and the riots themselves and everything. All you had to do was do a little bit of research.“

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t even open up the document since the last class,” Alex said, chuckling a little. “I promise I’ll do my part of the work. I was just busy.”

I scratched the back of my head a little as I stared at the shared document. I had gotten about 8 pages of solid research written down. I didn’t realize just how much I got done until I looked back at it now. I was busy researching transgender topics to affirm my own identity, so I got a lot more work than I expected.

“At least we’ll get the project done sooner,” I said.

“Yeah, this will help a lot,” Jasmine said, sighing. “I just feel bad that you did all this work on your own.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I did it because I wanted to, I wasn’t forced to or anything.”

“Wow, this is what it’s like to have a straight-A student in your group,” Zoe said, leaning over slightly. “No wonder people pay you to do their homework for them.”

“Wait, you know about that?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “I didn’t know how many people knew about that service other than those who paid for it.”

“Yeah, Ryan told me about it,” she said, laughing. “He told me you opened up a lot of free time for him.”

“That’s true,” I said, laughing along. Zoe’s laugh was contagious, her sweet voice bringing an air of levity to the room. “He’s one of my biggest clients.”

“You probably know more about Stonewall than the rest of us combined,” Zoe said, drawing a circle with a finger around Alex, Jasmine, and herself. “That’s embarrassing, considering we’re the ones who are actually, you know, part of the community. How did you even end up joining the club, by the way?”

“I owed a favor to Ryan,” I said. I hoped they wouldn’t dig in deeper, I didn’t want to come up with another excuse. “He needed someone to get the club up and running, so he called in the favor.”

“Oh, I see, thanks for doing that,” Zoe said. “We’re officially recognized as a club now, which is nice.”

“Sorry to interrupt your lively conversation, but we should get working,” Alex said. I noticed the room was now quiet and focused except for us. I sighed and started making the slides for the project, a little disappointed to not be able to talk further.

***

“Welcome back to your weekly GSA meeting,” Ryan announced, giving a quick salute. “I actually planned something for today, so please clap. I almost forgot to and did it all at midnight yesterday in a few minutes.”

We all clapped, with Alex letting out a sarcastic whoop. I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at the vibe of the room.

“Thank you, thank you,” he said, leaning against Ms. Castillo’s desk. “So, we’re going to do some would you rather questions today for the first few minutes. Then the rest of the time, if there’s any left, can be used to just mingle amongst yourselves. I promise we’ll start doing things related to learning about LGBT topics later, but I want to make sure we get to know each other first.”

“Great planning, Ryan,” Alex said. “Real engaging activity.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Ryan said, taking the jab in jest. “Anyways, does anyone want to go first or am I going to have to start off.”

“I have a good one,” Thomas said, raising his hand. “If you had to be locked in a room full of spiders, would you keep the lights on or off?”

“I mean assuming the spiders aren’t dangerous, I don’t think this would be much of a problem at all,” Zoe said, tilting her head. “Spiders are really fascinating creatures. I’d have the lights on and look at them until I’m let out.”

“Ew,” Jasmine said. “I mean I get you like animals a lot but do you even like spiders?”

“Look,” Zoe said, shaking her head. “Just because they’re arachnids doesn’t mean they’re bad. They actually have a super fascinating biology. They extend their limbs with pressure instead of muscles, which is why they’re able to jump super long distances.”

“Okay, the last thing I want to hear about is spider legs and them jumping around,” Jasmine said, shivering. “Me personally, I’d keep the lights off. At least I don’t have to look at them.”

“I’d actually keep the lights on,” I said. I saw Ryan raise his eyebrows a little bit, clearly surprised by my contribution to the discussion. I surprisingly felt comfortable with the people here and didn’t mind speaking a little. “Look, imagine one got near your mouth or something, you wouldn’t be able to see that if it was dark. If the room was bright at least you would be able to stop it since you can see it.”

“That’s fair. Keeping the lights on would at least ensure they don’t get anywhere weird. Wait, are they venomous or not?” Alex asked, scratching their head. “I think that factors a lot into the decision.”

“Let’s say they’re not,” Thomas said, leaning back in his chair. “I don’t want any of you to die.”

“Then I’m definitely keeping the lights off,” Alex said. “Okay, I have a good question too. Would you rather gain all the knowledge in a book by touching it or gain any physical skill by watching a video of it?”

“Physical skill without a doubt,” Ryan said, nodding vigorously. “Do you guys realize how good at football I’d be? Like, I’m already good but being able to learn anything from video? I’d be in the NFL easily.”

“I started playing guitar a few days ago and it’s super hard,” Jasmine said, sighing. “Like, just look at my fingers,” she said, holding them up. The tips had bits of ripped skin and it was a bright shade of red, it looked like it must hurt. “So I’d have to go with being able to learn any skill by watching a video.”

“Are you guys serious?” Alex asked. “You can learn literally anything with books. It would make school no problem, and you could become so smart. Besides, practicing how to play guitar is more fun than just being instantly good at it anyways. I’d go with books for sure.”

“I would have to go with the physical skill ability too,” I said. “You can already learn with books pretty quickly anyways.”

“That’s because you’re already smart J-Jacob,” Ryan said, clearly stuttering over the J. “You basically have the ability to absorb information from books at a touch already.”

“Shut up,” I said, looking away, blushing slightly. Why did it feel so nice to be complimented by him?

***

We had gone back and forth for longer than expected. Thomas especially was great at making up would you rather questions, assaulting us with a barrage of them. We were all laughing by the end of it, as the questions got increasingly more absurd. Before I even knew it, the club time was over.

“That’s all the time we have for today,” Ryan said, going back to the front of the room. “Thank you all for attending, I hope you enjoyed the time today. I’ll see you all next week.”

I packed my bag and walked out of the room. I looked around the hallway when I heard somebody walk up behind me.

“Hey,” I heard Ryan's voice say, as he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to look at him. “Can you hang back a little, I want to say something to you real quick.”

“Sure,” I replied. We stood together as everyone filtered out of the school one by one. Finally, the hallway was empty, giving us room to speak.

“Julie, hi,” Ryan said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “First, sorry for calling you by your dead name. I didn’t want to out you by using your real name yet.”

“No, that’s fine,” I said, shaking my head from left to right. “I would prefer to not be outed.”

“Great, I just wanted to make sure,” he said. “Anyways, I just wanted to ask if you were going to permanently join the club or not. We’re officially recognized as a club now so it’s okay if you don’t want to attend anymore.”

“Umm,” I said, thinking. “I think I’ll stay. I’ve gotten friendly with some of the members here and I guess I’m part of the LGBT community now too. I feel like I belong here now.”

“Really, that’s great,” Ryan said, suddenly smiling brightly. “I’m so glad you’re staying.”

“You are?” I asked. “Why? I didn’t think I was that important to the club.”

“Look,” he said, leaning in closer to me. “We all like having you here, you’re a great addition to the club. Not to mention, I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you.”

“You wouldn’t mind spending more time with me?” I asked meekly. I looked down at the furious red growing on my cheeks. The thought of spending more time with Ryan made me feel butterflies in my stomach.

“Of course,” he said, flashing a lopsided grin. “You’re a really great person Julie, I hope you realize that. You’re fun to talk to and hang around.”

“Thanks,” I said, rubbing one arm nervously. It felt nice to be complimented by Ryan.

“Remember what I said on that day I caught you all dressed up?” he said. “I said that I’d find whatever was under that mask of yours when you always kept yourself isolated. I’m glad I caught you then because otherwise, I would’ve never met who you truly are.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad I got caught that day too,” I said. “If I didn’t, I never would’ve met you and everyone in the club, and I wouldn’t have discovered who I truly was.”

“That’s a good way of looking at things,” he said. Ryan opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Did you want to say something?” I asked, peeking at him. It seemed like he was about to but stopped.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner tomorrow,” he said. ”To discuss things about your transition and stuff.” Ryan added.

"Sure, that would be great," I said, smiling.

“Okay, I’ll see you around then,” he said.

“Yeah, I will,” I said, smiling.

He led me to the door and opened it for me. I stepped outside, looking back at him one more time. I waved, and he waved back, holding a grin on his face. I turned around and left, a coy smile growing on my face as well.

***

My phone pinged with a notification while I was lying down in my bed. I looked over at my phone, contemplating if I should check it or just be lazy. After a few seconds, I sighed and lunged over to pick it up. It was a notification from Instagram. I frowned, wondering who messaged me. I opened up the app to see it was a message from Ryan.

“Hi, Julie, I was just going to message you about tomorrow,” the message said. “I just realized we didn’t plan anything.”

“Oh yeah,” I responded. I turned over onto my stomach, holding my phone out in front of me. “Where do you want to go?”

“Do you want to go for a burger at the mall after school?” a message came back. “We can go bowling afterward too.”

“Sure that would be great,” I typed. “I’ll see you then.”

“Yes, I’ll see you then,” the white chat bubble said. “See you, Julie.”

I put down my phone and kicked my legs up and down in excitement. I was so excited for the hangout, and I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. Lately, I’ve been seeing Ryan in a very different light. While he used to be a nuisance and nothing more than a customer, I’ve come to realize he’s a lot more than that. He actually turned out to be very sweet and caring. He was kind, strong, tall, and dreamy, everything a girl would want. The way he cared for me just made my heart flutter. I loved the way that I felt valued around him, the way he just accepted me for who I am, and the way he called me by my new name without being asked. “Oh no,” I muttered out loud. I couldn’t believe it.

I liked him.