14

Coming Out

“Daniel,” I said, slightly opening the door to his room. “I think it’s time.”

It was a chilly Sunday night and I decided it was now or never. I’d waited as long as I did since I was afraid to come out, but I had promised myself I would come out this weekend and there was no more time to waste.

“You’re going to come out?” he asked, suddenly getting up from his seat. “Now?”

“I don’t know when else I would,” I said. “I have the confidence now, but if I don’t do it right now I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

“Okay, I’ll call Mom and Dad together,” Daniel said. “Let’s hope it goes well.”

“Let’s hope it does,” I said, nodding.

***

“Dad, Mom. I have something I need to tell you both,” I said, breathing in deeply. My heart began to pound, and I began to breathe in and out heavily. Daniel got both Mom and Dad on the living room couch, and I was now standing in front of them.

“What is it, and why do you look so nervous?” he asked, putting down his phone and looking up at me.

“Yes, you do look nervous,” Mom said, looking concerned. “Is everything alright?”

“It’s something personal,” I said, my heart threatening to explode out of my chest. I was worried about my parents' reaction. I assumed Dad's would be negative and I hoped that Mom's would be better than his.

“Spit it out,” he said, frowning.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about my identity these last few weeks,” I said. “And I don’t think I’m a boy anymore. I think I’m transgender. I’m a girl.”

“...What?” he said after a few seconds, his face genuinely looking confused. His mouth was agape, and he seemed to be genuinely shocked. “You think you’re a girl?”

“Yes,” I said. I was even more scared by his delayed reaction, wondering just what was going through his mind. “I’m sorry, I just realized that I didn’t feel right as a male. I have gender dysphoria, and-”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he said, holding up a hand with his voice increasing in volume with each wait. Mom grabbed onto his arm to help calm him down. “So my son thinks he’s a fucking girl?”

“I’m not your son,” I said, more and more tears slowly dripping down my face. Here it was, Dad’s negative reaction. I suppose I should’ve expected it, but hearing him say those words from his own mouth really hurt.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked, a vein appearing on his forehead that threatened to burst. “Where did I fuck up as a parent? God damn it.”

“Dad,” Daniel said, interjecting after I began crying. I was at a loss for words. I knew he wouldn’t exactly be supportive, but seeing him like this had me on the brink of breaking down. “I think you should accept her for who she is.”

“You knew about this?” Dad asked, genuinely looking furious.

“Yes, I did know,” Daniel said.

“You should’ve told me so I could’ve put him straight,” Dad said. “We’re going to have to start making a real man out of you now, no more of this. Maybe a military academy will do you some good.”

“Dear, maybe we should calm down a little here,” Mom said, finally speaking. “I’m sure it took a lot of confidence to tell us today, and maybe we should take a night to think about things.”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to think about things, alright,” he said. “Like how to snap my son out of this bullshit.”

“Come on,” Mom said. “Let’s all just calm down for now and stop the conversation here.”

“Dad, look,” I said, desperately, ignoring Mom. “I’m still the same person, I just want you to accept me for who I am.”

“Just get out of my sight, Jacob,” Dad said. “Just get out for a while, I can’t handle looking at you.”

“Dad, come on,” Daniel said, trying to defend me. “You can’t just kick Julie out of the house.”

“Don’t call him that name,” Dad yelled, looking ferociously at the both of us. “He’s still a man, just a little delusional. He’ll get over it soon.”

“Dad,” I said, looking desperately at him. At this point I was sobbing, tears rolling down my face. “Can’t you accept me for who I am?”

“No, I’m not accepting a son who thinks he’s a girl,” he said, putting emphasis on the word son.

“But, Dad-” I said before I was cut off.

“Look,” he said loudly, making me flinch a little. “I’m saying it’ll be best for you to be somewhere else for a few days. It’s for the best.”

“I think it might be best for you to listen to what he says,” Daniel said, looking disappointed. He grabbed my shoulder and gently guided me away from Mom and Dad. “You should probably pack up your things.”

I nodded and made my way up to my room. I packed my laptop and a few of the clothes from both the back and the front of my closet. I made sure I had all my school materials for tomorrow as well, and by the time I was done, the backpack was so full that I struggled to put it on my back.

“Maybe we should’ve gotten you a suitcase instead, that backpack looks heavy. Here, hand it over,” Daniel said, he picked up the backpack I was struggling to carry with both arms in one, not even breaking a sweat. “Anyways, are you all ready? I can drive you somewhere safe to stay for the night.”

“Yeah, I’m done,” I said, sadly. I looked around my room, wondering when the next time I will be in there. I hoped I would be gone for only a few days

“Okay, let’s get going then,” Daniel said. He led me back downstairs, making sure to avoid Dad, and got into the garage. He stepped into his car, beckoning for me to follow.

“You two,” Mom said, stepping into the garage. She stopped us just as I got into the car. Daniel rolled down the window so we could communicate. “I tried to convince your father otherwise but it seems like he won't be relenting for now. So, maybe it would be better for you to stay somewhere else for a little while while I try and calm him down. Here, take my card in case you need to pay for anything.”

She fished out a card out of her pocket and handed it to me, before sighing. “I’m not sure if I can support you becoming a girl, Jacob, but I’ll do my best to research things. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, although I was internally a little angry that she didn’t support me more. My dad was kicking me out of the house and all she had to say was she was sorry and that she would research things. I really wished she would’ve stood up for me, but I guess I was expecting too much.

“I’m glad you understand,” she said. “I’ll go back now, make sure he’s somewhere safe, Daniel.”

“Where do you want to go?” Daniel asked, pulling the car out of the garage. “I can get you in a hotel for the night if you want.”

“I want to go to Ryan’s place,” I said. “I need him right now.”

“Okay,” he said. “Just try and relax a little, I’ll try and convince Dad to come around.”

I sat in the passenger seat of the car quietly sniffling, with the occasional tear escaping my eye. Daniel looked at me pitifully for a few seconds before driving away from the house. We drove quietly in the dark before Daniel tried to talk.

“Well, I’m sorry things didn’t go well today,” he said. “I didn’t think Dad would react this negatively. I wish I could’ve done more.”

“It’s okay,” I said, letting my tears flow loose. “Not like there’s much you could’ve done anyways.

“I know, but…,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t exactly expect a positive reaction, but the things he said were really disgusting. Just know there are people who still support you, okay?”

“I guess I was a little too optimistic,” I said, wiping a tear off my cheek. “Everyone else I told so far was so supportive that I guess I forgot how unsupportive some people can be.”

“Yeah,” Daniel said. “But you have me, Ryan, and the GSA, we’ll all stick with you.”

“Thanks,” I said. I put my head all the way back against the headrest and closed my eyes, not really having the energy to speak anymore.

After a few more minutes, we pulled up to Ryan’s house. Daniel parked in the driveway in front of the house. “Okay, we’re here. I’ll come with you to the door,” he said. He took my backpack and slung it across his shoulder. He then walked up to the doorstep, knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell. After a few seconds, a woman who I assumed to be Ryan’s mom, swung open the door to meet us.

“Ah, Daniel, hello,” she said. She smiled before looking down at my tear-soaked face and frowning. “Who is this?”

“This is my little sister, she’s, well, is it okay if I tell her?” he asked, seeming a little confused as to how to handle things. I nodded before he continued. “She’s transgender, and she just came out to our Dad and it didn’t go so well. She and Ryan have been good friends, to say the least, so she asked to come here.”

“Oh dear, come on in,” she said, her face turning dark. She turned and yelled up the stairs. ”Ryan, Daniel, and your little girlfriend are here, come on down.”

“Julie?” Ryan asked as he rushed down the stairs. He immediately saw my face and his face shifted to the most serious one I’ve ever seen him with. “What’s going on, are you okay?”

“Apparently, she got kicked out after coming out to her parents,” his Mom said. “Here, Daniel, let’s leave the two to talk. Follow me to the kitchen.”

“You should’ve told me if you were going to come out to your parents,” he said. He hugged me and ran his hand down my hair. “God, let’s go up to my room, follow me.”

I meekly nodded and followed behind him up the stairs into his room. Ryan looked back every few seconds to make sure I was right behind him, going at a slow pace. We finally made it to his room, as he closed the door behind him.

“Julie, come here,” he said, sitting me down next to him on his bed. “Are you okay, what happened?”

“I tried to come out to my Dad,” I sniffled. “He got super mad about it and just said I was delusional and that he would start making me a real man. He told me to leave the house for a while while he thought about things, so now I’m here.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been. Don’t worry, you’re here now and you’re safe.”

“I know, but I’m still scared,” I said. “What will he do once I go back home? I’m scared he’ll send me somewhere weird. He said something about a military academy.”

“Look, if I have anything to say about that, you are not being sent away anywhere, especially a military academy,” he said, looking angry for the first time ever. “Fuck, I can’t believe he’d say that.”

“Well, you don’t have anything to say about it,” I said. “I’m only 17, I still have to listen to what he says for another year. If he decides to send me to a military academy, then well there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“I’ll make sure you don’t go,” he said, smoothing his hand through my hair. “None of us would force you to go back to an unsupportive place. Just trust in me, everything will be alright.”

“I’m probably bothering you,” I said sadly, suddenly prying myself from his grasp. “I’ll go to a hotel now or something. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

“Julie, wait, I think you should stay here,” he said. “It’s dangerous to be all alone in a hotel, and I think it’ll be good if you have someone to talk to.”

“No, no,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m just going to bother you and your family by staying. I’ll go now, thanks for talking to me.”

“Julie, Julie, look at me,” he said. He held my face with both his hands and made me face him. “Do you remember that one day when we went bowling, and you lost?”

“Yes,” I said, sniffling. “Why are you bringing that up now?”

“Well, if you remember, you still owe me something,” he said, cracking a lopsided grin. “You said you’ll do anything I ask you to”

“What about that?” I said, still staring into his brown eyes. “I don’t think now is a good time to make me do a bet.”

“Okay, here’s what you’re going to have to do,” he said. “You’re going to have to stay here until you’re allowed to go back home. On top of that, you’re going to have to come here.”

He guided my face towards his gently, and I immediately knew what he wanted. I closed my eyes as he got closer. I’d never done this before, but I hoped I would be okay. His mouth met mine, and I felt his lips on mine as we kissed deeply. My heart thumped in excitement, I was actually kissing Ryan. After a few blissful seconds, we separated. I stared up at him with watering eyes, looking deeply into his shining orbs.

“There we go,” Ryan said, smiling brightly. He put an arm behind his head and chuckled. “I’m sure you already know, but I love you, Julie.”

“Ryan,” I said. “I - I don’t know what to say.”

“Shh,” he said, putting a finger up against my mouth. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“I love you too,” I said, embarrassed. “Thank you.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I help you,” Ryan said, hugging me tight. “Now, let’s go downstairs, we need to update Daniel.”

I followed Ryan down the stairs, trying to sort through my feelings. My feelings were a confusing cocktail of glee that Ryan kissed me but also the sadness about how things worked out today. I made my way to the first floor and saw Daniel sipping tea with Ryan’s mom and dad.

“You look… happier,” Daniel said, looking confused as soon as he spotted me. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” I said, hoping Daniel wouldn’t notice the blush on my cheeks. “We just had a nice talk.”

“Okay, well I’m glad you’re feeling better at least,” Daniel said, getting up. He pivoted towards Ryan, walking towards him. “Ryan, I can trust you with my little sister, right?”

“Of course, man,” Ryan said, shaking Daniel’s hand before pulling him into a bro hug. “I’ll take good care of her, you take care of things back home.”

“Great,” Daniel said. “Please treat her well, I’ll get going now since it’s pretty late.”

“Thanks for supporting me, Daniel,” I said. “Drive home safely.”

“Of course,” he said, hugging me. “Everything will be alright, okay?”

After a solid minute, he let me out of his grasp and stepped outside the house into the dark.

“Well, we should probably go to sleep soon, shouldn’t we,” Ryan said. “It’s pretty late and it’s a Monday tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I am pretty tired, today was a rollercoaster of emotions.”

“Got it, I’ll set up the room for you,” Ryan said, nodding. “You can stay here and drink some tea, just wait a few minutes.”

***

“I’m very sorry about your parents, dear,” Ryan’s mom said to me. I was sitting at their dining room table sipping on some tea when she finally spoke up. ”They should appreciate their child for who she is, no matter what.”

“I wish my Dad thought the same as you,” I said, sighing.

“Well,” Ryan’s dad said, sitting up straight in his chair. “Some parents just don’t appreciate what they have.”

“Yeah,” I said, fiddling with the teacup. “I’m hoping Daniel can convince them, but I’m not sure if they’ll come around.”

“If you need any support from us, please let us know,” Ryan’s mom said. “We’ll be happy to help. You can stay however long you want here”

“Julie, I got the guest room you’ll be staying in all setup,” I heard Ryan say. “Come on, you should probably sleep.”

“Thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Morgan,” I said. “I’ll go to sleep now if that’s alright.”

“Yes, please do,” Ryan’s mom said, patting my shoulder. “You must be exhausted.”

“Thank you so much,” I said. I made my way upstairs and into bed, snuggling in for some sleep after a long day.