This is a story older than time. No seriously, it began before time (or anything else) was invented. The world was dark, murky and chaotic…basically a dank meme in the flesh. It was that way for eons until a Chad of a man named Panku came and shoved the sky to where it is now.

Panku was mocked by the other Chad-like beings (looking at you, Chronos) for having a name that sounded like the breadcrumbs you need to make fried anything. Panko…I mean, Panku sought to teach them a lesson by showing his might and creating the heavens and the earth. He is not our hero, however. He, like many others who are bullied, chose to prey upon one weaker than himself.

Because the world was new, there was also no life, so he did 2 things. First, he created a time system and called it the “12 Earthly branches”, just to take a jab at Odin and his world tree. Second, and more importantly to us, Panku picked up a rock. It was so small and insignificant that it was barely even a pebble. For a long moment, he didn’t do anything other than stare at it and consider this small stone.

It wasn’t anything deep or profound, though. His idea was much simpler than anything you might be thinking. Holding onto the stone with his thumb and middle finger, he uttered the most profound and intelligent thing one can say after another round of torture from “the cool kids” (seriously, even Cthulhu was getting in on this action). Panku said to this insignificant, worthless, dirt-colored speck of sand “Git gud, scrub!” before yeeting it off to the top of some unknown mountain.

Upon being flicked from the god’s hand, the rock gained self-awareness and the ability to grow and think, thereby becoming the hero of our story. It was given the spark of life, the first such spark that this new world had seen. With that new-found consciousness of fresh life, the little stone had but one thought as it sailed through the new air of the very first day this planet had seen. That that single idea was simple but very understandable. Since Panku’s power level is naturally over 9000, the stone simply screamed the entire flight. It had no idea how long it was flying before landing at the top of this almost impossibly tall mountain, but it would tell you that any amount is too long when you’re flying at what feels like a fraction of the speed of light.

Imagine it, from our perspective, you’re just bagged, gagged, knocked unconscious and then when you come to you find yourself in the pilots’ seat of a fighter jet going Mach 40. It wouldn’t be a pleasant experience and the things that could be said would make even the burliest of sailors blush like the time you confessed your feelings to your first crush. Unfortunately, Panku didn’t hold back because he didn’t care, so our protagonist is still reeling from that experience. Once the stone has recovered, we’ll come back to check on it and finally begin it’s epic-yet-tragic tale. A tale of magic, a tale of might, a tale of…mostly just sitting around, I mean, it’s a rock on a mountain.