“In-ing breath. Out-ing breath. Girl feeling emotions. Not emotions controlling Girl. Girl knowing emotions. Not emotions being Girl,” chanted Granny in a calming cadence.

Renalia let the hurt and frustration pass through her. But then a thought occurred to her. Granny knows now. Shame flooded her and her body tensed. She wanted to run and hide. But hiding won’t solve anything. And all the pretense she went through, like eating slowly or sitting on her hands when they shake, none of it matters now. Because Granny knows.

Granny repeated her litany. “In-ing breath. Out-ing breath. Girl feeling emotions. Not emotions controlling Girl. Girl knowing emotions. Not emotions being Girl.”

Granny hadn’t said anything else and Granny was her friend. Maybe she could just continue pretending.

She slowly opened her eyes and saw that Granny stood next to her, cane tucked under her arm and poised to catch her if she fell. “Thank you, Granny.” She reached out, but paused, knowing Granny did not like displays of affection.

Granny beckoned with her fingers, so Renalia enveloped her in a hug, being careful around her hunchback, not knowing if it would hurt.

“Girl feeling okay?” Granny asked as they drew apart and sat down.

Renalia nodded. “Is …” Renalia hesitated, afraid to ask since she feared the answer. She rushed the words out, ”Is my Deck broken?”

“No. Baby needing early cards. Later cards being different.”

“Oh, okay. What is my eighth card? The one with the red cross.”

“Eighth card: [Disinfect Self Wounds]. Disinfect meaning cleaning. Good for healing.”

“Oh,” Renalia said, without inflection. “Okay.”

“Uncommon card good. Most evolving to Healing Self Wound. Very, very good.”

“It’s too good,” she complained. Noticing the other’s confusion, she explained. “The Baron will just take it at the Deck Day Ceremony.”

Once a year, the Baron collected taxes from the manors within his authority. During that time, all the Deck-year children within each manor’s domain must present themselves. And the Baron held the right to take one card from the new Decks among them, in exchange, exempting that new adult from taxes for one year. 

“Ah, Granny forgetting. Bad custom.” Granny tilted her head and her fingers tapped against her cane. “Girl coming with Granny?” 

“What?” She had gotten used to how Granny spoke, but she still had trouble deciphering it sometimes.

“Girl coming with Granny,” she said, “Baron no taking card.”

“No!” Renalia shouted, surprising both of them with her vehemence. “S-sorry. I mean, I can’t run away. I have to help Mama and Papa at the farm.”

“Parents understanding. They knowing–”

“No,” Renalia said firmly, holding her palms out in refusal. “They need me. Unless they can come with?”

“No,” Granny answered, shaking her head slowly. “Girl disappearing, people understanding. Family disappearing, people wondering.” She switched tactics. “Girl seeing world. Going adventuring.”

“It’s okay,” Renalia said, patting the other’s knee. “It’s only one card. I don’t really need it. And one year without paying taxes would really help us.”

“Healing valuable,” Granny harrumphed. “Keep when needing. Hm.” Having made some conclusion, she pointed her walking cane at Renalia. “Granny giving Girl card.”

“What?”

“Granny giving Girl card,” the old woman said, banging her walking stick on the ground firmly. “Girl showing Baron ten cards. Girl not showing healing card.”

“N-no. I can’t take your card,” Renalia said, her voice pitched high with disbelief. “That’s too precious.” 

“Bah. Granny having twenty cards. Giving Girl card first. Birthday coming. Getting new card,” Granny said, referring to the twenty-card deck limit.

Renalia frowned. “But what if your new card isn’t as good as the old one? I can’t have you take that risk.”

“Nah, card only okay. Healing valuable.”

Renalia started opening her mouth, but Granny slammed her staff on the ground. “Granny giving Girl card. No debating.” Granny looked at her with a steely eye. Renalia had only seen Granny so fierce once before, when a teenager had repeatedly asked for a love potion. Granny had finally ended that episode by hitting the lovesick teenager with her walking stick.

“Okay. Thanks, Granny. But… How do we do that? I thought only the Order of Cards could take cards out of a Deck.” The Order, consisting of monks and nuns dedicated to the study of cards, accompanied the Baron to every Deck Day Ceremony. They performed the actual ritual of taking a card out of the Deck and replacing it with another card.

“Bah, Granny worrying about details.”

“Okay,” Renalia said, surprised that Granny would go to such lengths to help her keep the disinfect card. “So my other uncommon card isn’t as useful? The one without an icon?”

“Ninth card: [Dull Emotions]. Specializing too much. Healing better.”

Renalia flushed with embarrassment. Yeah, I can see why I have that in my Deck. The embarrassment turned into frustration. None of these actually help with peat harvesting.

All her hopes depended on the last card. “T-tenth card?” she asked with trepidation.

“Tenth card: [Restrain Impulse]. Meaning keeping self in check. Being in control of self.”

“Ah!” Renalia growled. “My Deck sucks! I can’t lift more, I can’t run faster, I can’t create water, I can’t burn things. I can’t do anything with it!”

Granny pointed at her with the walking stick again. “Deck not sucking. Deck being Girl. And Girl being smart. Learning Deck. Using Deck. Yes?”

“I guess so,” she said, forcing the words out. While this day had turned out much worse than she could imagine, she should not burden Granny with her disappointment. The latter had helped her so much. She grimaced, not knowing how to repay her friend.

As if reading her thoughts, Granny said, “Good. Granny helping Girl. Now Girl helping Granny.”

“Oh yes, of course,” Renalia said, sitting up attentively.

“Good. Granny creating new medicine.” She walked to the pot simmering in the open-air firepit and ladled out a bowl of slurry. “Girl trying. Telling Granny.”

Renalia took the bowl, full of what looked like thick brown mud, with bits of leaves and branches. It smelled surprisingly good, though.

“No eating wood” Granny cautioned her, sitting back on her stone stool, a book and writing utensil in hand. “Tasting?”

“Earthy. A good earthy.” She loved Mama’s cooking, but this altered her taste buds. It coated her mouth and each time she thought she tasted something familiar, it changed to something else. But never anything disgusting, unlike the medicine she had in the past. “It keeps on changing. Very complicated.”

Granny nodded her understanding. “Feeling?”

“Um,” Renalia replied uncertainly, “warm?”

“Good, good. Aiming for warm.” She jotted some notes in the book. “Finish.”

 

Renalia ate slowly, swirling the sludge in her mouth and making sure to spit out pieces of wood. She had bitten into a bark by accident earlier and it had hit her with a jolt of flavor. It tempted her to try eating it, but Granny had said not to.

Eating slowly also allowed her to savor each bite. She found it quite delicious, even if she didn’t understand why Granny created a medicine for warmth.

Granny added a thick white liquid from a carafe into the pot and waved Renalia over. “Girl trying,” she said, spooning the new mixture into the bowl.

It now had a consistency of rain runoff with dirt instead of the thick consistency of mud. “Hm, creamy. Still warm.”

“Good, good.” Granny made more notes in her book. “Eating some oatcakes. Washing it down.”

“Oh, no thanks,” protested Renalia. “It’s not necessary. The medicine didn’t taste bad at all.”

“Hum. Balancing liquid and solid. Very important.” Granny pushed the oatcake into her hand.

Granny lectured while she ate, “Remembering using cards. Using causing leveling. For non-commons, leveling causing upgrading.”

All kids knew this, of course, but she paid special attention since Granny mentioned it. Renalia yawned and quickly waved it off lest Granny thought she’s bored. “I think the medicine causes sleepiness too.”

“Yes, yes. Possible side effect. Renya Girl lying down. Napping.” She pointed Renalia to her bed of straw.

“Okay, just for a bit.” Exhaustion washed over Renalia as she laid down, the emotional whiplash of the day having taken its toll physically. As her head hit the hay, she murmured before falling asleep, “Granny, are you lea–” 

***

As Renya’s breathing deepened, Nona, known as Granny to the villagers, helped herself to a bowl of stew. She had thrown everything she couldn’t take with her into the pot: fresh and dried mushrooms; chunks of onions, leeks, cabbage, carrots, and nettles; hawthorn and elderberries; whole dandelion and comfrey; sprigs of thyme and rosemary; and leaves of parsley, mint, plantain, clover, sage, and myrrh.

Very flavorful. And well-balanced with the heavy cream Renya had seen her pour in. Honestly, one-pot cooking was the best. Those wok-heads in the east don’t know what they’re missing. She did miss spicy dishes the White Pond Sect provided though. Locals here reacted to slight tingling in the mouth like they were drinking boiling water.

Reminded of the sect, she activated her [Librarian] core card and took out the Book of Malthus from the pocket dimension around her navel. No one knew the original title of the ancient book, nor even if it had a title to begin with. They simply knew that Malthus had used it to share stories with Ginjo. Once closed, any text written in these pages would appear in the corresponding Book of Ginjo. And vice versa.

Malthus and Ginjo had used it originally to write about the fictional adventures of King Bald. Incredibly detailed adventures among the women-folk of various races and species. Nona had read some in the past out of academic curiosity, but had quickly stopped in disgust. Really, who takes such a wonderful technological artifact and uses it to write smut.

Nowadays, the sect harnessed its powers to pass important messages. In the two years she’s been away, the only message she received came yesterday from her Core Disciple: The Council requests the presence of the Mistress Librarian ASAP.

Her disciple had written in his perfect penmanship along the margins, small and clean. Understanding him, he had probably practiced several times on another piece of paper. He needed to choose the words and carefully align the characters so that it occupied as little space as possible.

She imagined that he had struggled with removing the honorifics from her title, finally settling on exactly the two words in her title. He probably broke out in sweat at even considering skipping the title and reducing it further to “requests your presence”.

The sect had already filled the margins of half the pages in the extraordinary book. And though the sect issued many quests, no one had found a suitable replacement. Yesterday evening, she had written back in her scrawl: Go stick your head in a freshly used chamber pot.

She opened the book now to see the almost illegible writings of the Patriarch, heavy on the page: Get your ass back here, you old crone. She chuckled softly, envisioning her disciple tossing and turning the whole night after receiving her message.

He had probably waited outside the Patriarch’s door before the sun rose, waiting to deliver her reply with baggy eyes and trembling hands. She drew a small face with tongue sticking out and closed the book, putting it back in her navel.

She placed a blanket over Renya and shook her head, chiding herself. She prided herself on her perceptiveness, but she did not realize that her friend was little, not because of genetics, but because of starvation.

Friend, she thought, lingering on the word. Yes. She had come to this bog a couple of years ago wanting–but not expecting–to find the Star Lotus. Instead, she had found something else just as unexpected and precious.

Oh Renya, what am I going to do with you? She knew a structured learning environment like what the sect could offer would greatly benefit the young girl. Renya was smart, and more importantly, driven. She had a level of dedication rarely seen in the young, even among the best of White Pond Sect.

If only that drive pointed to something other than her parents and peat harvesting. Properly guided, and with the level of resources that Nona could command at the sect, Little Renya would soar.

Nona knew Renya’s parents would agree. No matter how much they would miss their daughter, they would want the best for her. Logically, taking Renya with her back to the sect made the most sense for everyone involved.

Even future Renya would forgive her and appreciate it. Ah, I’m getting weak in my old age, letting emotions, of all things, decide the matter. For she knew young Renya would hate her for it. And the world had hurt the poor girl enough–she could not bear to add to it.

Thinking of hurt, Nona activated her [Read Book] card in tandem with [Librarian], recalling the lab journal she wrote years past titled Experimentations on Self Card Removals. She could never forget the soul wrenching sensation when she successfully removed a Card from her Deck, as if she had ripped out a piece of herself.

And that was for a new card, barely hours old. Now, she would need to do the same for a card she had continuously activated for the past couple of years.

Renya stirred, seeming to eat something in her dreams. Nona shook head sadly. This girl would doggedly refuse food while starving, but graciously accept being experimented on with “medicine.” You’re too good for this world, kid.

***

Hunger squeezed Renalia’s stomach, as it did every night. It compressed her insides to nothing, leaving a hollowed-out void in its place. A haunting emptiness that demanded to be filled. Still half asleep, Renalia bit the insides of her cheeks and tasted the familiar coppery tang. She sucked and swallowed, offering herself to the dark presence, in the secret ritual she had started long ago to appease its craving.

She jolted awake, confused. She wasn’t hungry yet. It felt weird. Granny sat not far from her surrounded by books, glancing back and forth between them. So many books! Where–no, she wouldn’t pry. Granny had secrets and so did she. Secrets were good, for they protected people from being hurt.

She didn’t want to interrupt Granny, so she laid there, ruminating on the events of the day. Her Deck did not turn out the way she expected it to. But it was her. She understood now the taboo against sharing. She would never go up to someone to ask them to strip naked, and decks were so much more intimate than just the physical body.

She also understood now why her plan for a strength card would not have worked. No matter how much conscious effort she put in, it was dwarfed by her desire not to be hurt: by hunger, by poverty, by loneliness.

So she needed a new plan. A plan that exploited the uniqueness of her Deck. Well, all except the Core Card. She didn’t know what to think or do about that yet.

Granny had emphasized using her cards often, and as fate would have it, she had the wounds to use her best card on. ‘Disinfect’–she repeated the new word in her mind. Activating it caused a brief lull in the constant stinging sensation in her mouth. She had long gotten accustomed to the discomfort, so the brief absence of it surprised her. The stinging resumed after a second’s respite, though, appearing stronger due to the sharp contrast.

[Dull Emotions] also seemed to lessen the feeling of pain, but she could feel it working more on her perception of its unpleasantness, not on the physical wound.

[Restrain Impulse] caused a general flattening that she found hard to put into words. She would need to experiment more in the next hour, when they became available to use again. 

She could already see the usefulness of these cards, once they were leveled up to longer durations. With these three, she could push herself past what her body would usually allow, acting stronger and faster.

In the Great McGinnis Fire last year, she had witnessed a mother lift a burning wall, allowing her children to escape their collapsed house. Granny had explained that the human body could perform exceptional feats when needed, even in the absence of cards.

Renalia had asked how she could do it too. Granny had said that our bodies and brains typically prevented us from doing so, due to the potential damage it would cause. Renalia had observed that too. As the last of the children came out, the mother had collapsed, succumbing to various injuries.

But she could do it now. Granny had said [Restrain Impulse] would help keep her desires in check. So maybe she could use it to remove the desire not to hurt herself–just a little bit. Just enough so that she could become stronger. It wouldn’t be so bad since she could dull the pain that it would cause. And once her disinfect card evolved to healing, she could recover from any injuries.

So she had a new plan–a secret plan. It would have to join her other secrets, since she would not want to worry her parents.

With the plan in place, she looked at her seven useless cards. She had a practiced hand at resisting hunger. She didn’t need any help from the cards.

Granny’s medicine soup had filled her up, but she was intimate enough with hunger to start sensing the edges of it. She rotated through her resistance cards, focusing on how each time, when the duration faded, the hunger came back with force.

But with numerous quick repetitions, she could tell that the hunger did not increase. It came across strong because it was not the gradual ramp up in hunger that a person normally experiences. It hit with a sudden jump from not-hungry to yes-hungry.

“Ah, Girl being awake. Readying for card?”

Renalia opened her mouth to protest again, but she saw the determination in her friend. The same resoluteness that she herself felt when a sacrifice needed to be made for the greater good.

“Yes, Granny,” she said simply.