Ch. 10 - Thoughts

"Distress arising from an incongruence between a person's felt gender and assigned sex/gender (usually at birth) is the cardinal symptom of gender dysphoria."

– Wikipedia article on Gender Dysphoria, 2023

 

***

 

I dragged myself up the stairs, almost plopped on my bed, looked at myself, saw the blood and dirt on my overalls, and decided to sink onto the floor instead. After taking off the helmet and stuffing the targeting visor into it, I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. I didn't even want to touch a wall. It'd just be extra work cleaning up afterwards.

I yawned immediately and became aware of just how…squeezed dry I really felt. Physically.

"Tynea."

Yes?

"How's my medical situation? Also, the Sleeve's pretty good at distributing my entire weight, but my shoulders are getting a little sore," I said, wiggling my shoulders.

Your health's most pressing need is nutrition. You're lacking a vast number of them and your body began cannibalizing itself minutes ago. It'd be best if you ate now.

"What do you suggest?"

I'd always recommend food from my catalogs over the usually contaminated stuff your species produces, but it's particularly important today because your digestive system mostly doesn't exist. Your intestines were badly punctured by bone fragments and the spilling bile had poisoned you. I had to deconstruct everything and neutralize your intestinal juices, so you'll need nourishment that doesn't have to be digested. 

"Ah… Um, give me something, I guess?"

Certainly, Aden. Put these on your tongue, please, they'll dissolve.

 

Purchased:

• 2 pts x 4; 'Osmosis' Nano-Integrated Meal-Replacement, capsule

Total cost: 8
Remaining points: 11279

 

Along with the list and the update to my samurai points, four silver pills popped into my waiting hands. They were large-candy-sized and squishy like marshmallows.

I nearly swallowed reflexively when the first one turned into a wet, fuzzy cloud in my mouth. I caught myself though, and the sensation went away. Instead it was like a wet sponge cleaned the inside of my body and then suffused it with rich water. It immediately lifted the physical drought I suffered.

As I went through the capsules, I asked, "How'm I doing elsewise?"

Your bones are being fused, but that'll take several hours yet. You have two tokens, if you wished you could unlock Class II Medical Utilities for one and buy a bone-binding agent that would heal them in seconds.

"No, there's no need. I'd rather make sure I have all the resources to rebuild myself. Say, do my injuries interfere with the chrysalis you described?"

Not at all. It would in fact mean that part of the work of breaking your body down has already been completed.

If you allow, I'd like to provide you with the medical supplies you need. Fresh nanites and barriers to be integrated into your legs.

"Sure, I guess. It won't wipe out my funds or anything, right?"

Certainly not:

 

Purchased:

• 15 pts x 4; Class I Internist's Selectively Permeable Barriers
• 20 pts x 2; Class I Nano-Regenerative Suite

Total cost: 100
Remaining points: 11179

 

I looked at my remaining points. It seemed like a lot, but I found I lacked the context to really understand whether I was rich or not.

"Say, how many points is that really? In general, but also for new samurai?"

More powerful Vanguard will easily make that many points in a single swipe. They do not need to expend much effort for it either due to their much improved gear.

You have gained a rather large amount of points for a new Vanguard, but it is far from the record. That would be near a million, gained by one who killed himself at the same moment when he destroyed one of the earliest and largest nests to ever exist on Earth with a nuclear weapon.

"Was that Silverhound?"

No, the Vanguard in question didn't have a samurai name yet. He didn't live past his first hour, nor did he meet another Vanguard before his death.

"Oh, that sounds kinda fucked up. I guess he saved a lot of people? I hope."

He…probably killed as many as he saved. There weren't a lot of samurai around and it took the nearest one several hours to travel the distance. The local Army didn't yet have a working protocol to deal with incursions either. He may or may not have saved neighboring cities by destroying the nest. The electromagnetic pulse of the nuclear explosion destroyed most of the data from the event. Records are spotty at best. 

"Mm. I guess I'm happy not to break that particular record."

Groaning, I gathered myself, crawled more than climbed to my feet, and got out of my overall. It needed cleaning, as did I, but that would be a bit difficult while I wore Sgt. Stabby. I tossed the grimy thing onto the floor of the shower.

I hesitated before entering myself. "Tynea, is the Sleeve waterproof?"

Of course. It also takes care of your hygiene. Do you want something for your head as well?

"No. No, that's fine. A shower's just what I need."

I got in and started running the water, rinsing off the helmet and kneading the overall with my feet. It kept hardening when I wasn't careful, so I had to go slow. It was strangely relaxing, like a reverse foot massage. That the sensations were Sleeve-fakes almost didn't matter. I leaned my head against the wall and sighed, more content than I'd have expected after everything. Enough to even smile a bit.

Psychology is wild, I thought, chuckling to myself.

After washing and drying off, I finally sat down on the bed and asked, "Are we clear? See any Antithesis?"

None. It appears the incursion is concentrated within New Montreal and progress against it is being made. I suspect we'll see the first of your neighbors return by tomorrow. What would you like me to do with the drones?

"Keep them on watch, but don't bother anybody's privacy. I just want to make sure we're safe from aliens."

Understood.

"Hey, Tynea," I said, the day running through my mind. "Thanks. You've kept me in one piece today, in many ways."

I'm here to help, Aden. Please rest.

I finally collapsed, but thoughts kept me awake and restless. Shifting back and forth, I tried to still my mind, tired as I was, but I found it impossible to distract myself from the sex change I had planned. It was just so much. I had so many points. I was going to do more than just become a woman. 

It left me in a strange limbo between exhaustion and excitement.

I would've thought the hurting and fighting would've been what kept me up, but no. Aside from the fall, I didn't really get injured much. Even when the model Four attacked me, the overall dispersed the hits across my entire front and I'd had the Sleeve's lattice exoskeleton guard me on top of that. Any bruises I might've picked up would've been fixed by the nanites already anyway. Probably. Blood was a limited resource, after all.

My brain had just…put away the whole battle thing in favor of the possibilities becoming a samurai afforded. I wasn't surprised, really. Combat was an old hat to me. Even if I hadn't been on the battlefield in almost twenty years. I was just glad I wasn't forced to deal with old memories bubbling up.

Count your blessings, Aden…

Anyway, it was the future that didn't let me rest, despite the adrenaline crash I was going through.

Eventually I just gave up and said, "I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep. Let's go over the sex change and the other enhancements?"

Aden, please be aware that you're not in top form, physically or mentally. You might find yourself regretting any decisions tomorrow that you make today. If you wish, I can provide you with a sleeping aid instead.

"Your worry's fair, but there's a reason it's keeping me up. Are any of the changes we make going to be permanent?"

No, though additional changes will cost additional points, and alterations that are not designed to detach will cost points just to get rid of again.

"I'm okay with that. I don't expect to be perfectly happy with all my choices on the first try. Like, the whole thing is way too huge for that in the first place. Let's just see where my decisions lead me and fix them when they aren't working out."

Understood. In that case, might I suggest we consider the chrysalis first? Weaving it will take time and if you're planning to sit still until the sex change, then you might as well take advantage of the circumstances.

"Why not. What are my options?"

You have two tokens, and you've already indicated interest in organic augmentations. I would suggest unlocking the Class II Organic Moonsinger Augmentations catalog, which gives you a vast array of powerful enhancements. You would exit your chrysalis much advanced. The spinnerets from this catalog have a great deal more utility than their Class I cousins. Install it via combat-graft, and you could begin weaving the cocoon immediately.

"Sure, sounds good. What kind of spinnerets are we talking?"

If you're going to be defenseless for ten days, then I would suggest we invest into something with that in mind. The Class II 'Chrysalis' Lepidoptera Spinneret is a substantial upgrade over its Class I variant and specializes in passive armoring. It will let you weave a self-sealing, fireproof cocoon that is incredibly resilient against blunt and cutting forces, and requires a very narrow and specific set of incredibly complex molecular chains to be dissolved—a key that you yourself can set while extruding the silk. If we utilize a medical bladder and a faraday cage on the inside to shore up the weakness against piercing attacks, radiation, and electric field interference, there is essentially nothing Earth-based that can get to you or the nanites that will work on you. Short of large bombs, I suppose. Even water would only cause the silk fibers to swell and tighten further.

"Is it only for making cocoons?"

No, certainly not. This spinneret will also allow you to craft resilient silk coverings. Actual armor would still be tougher, but the protection offered by Class II silk isn't to be dismissed.

"Underarmor, huh? And I guess rope and string are always useful."

Yes. There's also the option of using an Arachnida variant spinneret, which is more suited to active effects and trap-laying. It would require a greater total point investment as you'd need to supplement it with weaponized poisons, advanced sensors, et cetera. But we could spin a solid cocoon from spider silk and add several more artificial membranes to shore up the passive defenses.

"Trap-laying I can already do with the Esoteric Explosives catalog. And since we're talking about defenses, how does the Class I Esoteric Defense Systems catalog play into this?

It is filled with items similar in nature to your helmet's active defense. It focuses on energy, force, and other exotic effects to protect, rather than bulk and presence of armor. Your helmet itself comes from Class I Basic Combat Garments, for example, and its displacing explosive reactive defense system is taken from the Class I Esoteric Defense Systems catalog.

"How basic are the Basic Combat Garments?"

Quite. It's incredibly cheap for the variety of items it provides, so the maximum of protection it offers is indeed very low. Its point efficiency is its greatest asset, really. The Models Five and Six could kill you despite your overall's protection. Even sleepwear made from Class II Moonsinger silk is better.

"In that case, I could use the steady defense of the Chrysalis, I think."

Indeed. The spinneret does come with pre-programmed instincts to create simple shapes. That'll let you make…usable…garments.

"Usable, huh?"

Yes. They'll be functional. And also somewhat ragged, until you practice and improve.

"That could be…fun? Or annoying."

It's something to learn, certainly. There are lessons available for points. Class II silk, especially Moonsinger silk, can make for very striking, very beautiful garments.

I chuckled. The fact that I was intrigued at all was a surprise. I usually had zero interest in fashion or decorative clothing. Utility all the way. I didn't consider my body…worth adorning. Yet, perhaps, the thought of a new body was already changing that?

How do you want the spinneret to look? The configuration won't be final as the organ will be dissolved and reassembled with the rest of you anyway. But perhaps you'd like to test a style or look?

"Umm. So, there's no specific attachment point or place for the organ preselected?"

No, you are free to choose.

"Okay… Oh, can I get stuck to the silk? Will I even have sticky silk?"

It'll be sticky if you want it to be sticky. Either way, you have the ability to code the stickiness to the protein structures of your epidermis, thus even your sticky silk would not stick to your skin if you do not wish it so.

"Then, can I try an extra limb? That way I'll know whether to have it integrated for the final version. Uh, a tail, I guess. Anything else would be a weird tentacle. Can you render it on my augs, please?"

Naked, animated me popped up in my vision, his back to me. 

There was a very long, naked rat's tail with a slightly bulbous end attached just above my butt cheeks. It needed to be long enough to reach any place on my body comfortably, so the last two or three handspans lay on the floor when the tail was fully relaxed. It was very dextrous though, and could curl up like a chameleon's. I could see this being a useful appendage in more than one way.

It was also ugly as fuck.

"Got any fur for that? It looks seriously creepy."

Yes, there's a variety of options.

The display split into a variety of versions of the tail covered in all kinds of hair, fur, and fuzz.

I discarded everything that looked like it had mammalian fur, somehow they gave a really uncanny impression. After some back and forth, I ended up looking at a variety of fuzzies. Thick, thin, colorless, all the colors under the sun.

The fuzzes didn't quite look like hair, some seemed impossibly soft and fragile, others like really stiff cactus bristles you could break off and write with. Or stab somebody with. I imagined having a club covered in spines whipped into your face wasn't fun.

"What are these made of? They don't look like hair, even the ones that sorta do."

Chitin, unlike mammalian hair or fur which is made of keratin. These are variants of moth fuzz and offer some very interesting properties. They don't come with the Spinneret though and will require an organic skin replacement. The ones shown here are a very cheap cosmetic class I variant, but Class II has more interesting skins with follicles that can rapidly grow and switch between types of chitinous growths, even armor plating. From color-shifting scales to spines to be flung at enemies, or swarms of microscopic razor sharp splinters to shred lungs, a Class II skin organ offers rather a lot of versatility.

I recommend we go over those options later, when we're done with the Spinneret and discuss your new body.

Alright, Tynea was correct and I should be focusing. I ended up choosing the one that looked the softest and fluffiest. The spines and bristles weren't my thing.

"Okay, let's go with that one. Will Class I Combat Grafts be enough?"

Yes. At this time, Class II Combat Grafting is likely not worth the token. The vast majority of Class II organic modifications do not exceed the complexity that tier one adapters can deal with. Even then, it's possible to combat-graft a lesser version and upgrade naturally after integration.

I would also furnish you with a few NutriPacks to make sure you have the energy to spend on building the cocoon itself.

"Alright, let's get it done."

 

Unlocked: 

• 50 pts; Class I Basic Organic Moonsinger Modifications
• 50 pts; Class I Combat Grafting
• 2000 pts, 1 tkn; Class II Organic Moonsinger Augmentations

Total cost: 2100
Remaining points: 9079
Remaining tokens: 1

Purchased:

• 1 pts x 5; Nutri Pack
• 3 pts x 1; Medical Drone, Local Anesthesia
• 5 pts x 1; Pierce-Proof Medical-Grade Patient Bladder
• 5 pts x 1; Inlay against Radiation and Electo-Magnetic Fields
• 11 pts x 1; Basic Cosmetic Skin Replacement, modified for chitin follicles
• 100 pts x 1; 'Chrysalis' Lepidoptera Spinneret
• 150 pts x 1; Class I Combat-Graft Adapter, medium complexity

Total cost: 279
Remaining points: 8800

 

Please open the box, then lie down on your belly. The Sleeve will numb your spine. As the spinneret attaches below your injury, your spine needs to be repaired first. 

"It wasn't yet? Before the leg bones?"

Most of it has already been fixed to improve blood cell production, but the nerves were ignored in favor of pain management.

I opened up the box that contained the bladder, nicely folded, a tiny arachnoid drone with eight spindly legs, and the Nutri Packs. I grabbed one and stuck the straw in my mouth as I turned around onto my front.

The little drone was so quiet and light, and I was so distracted by the delicious sweetness of the Nutri Pack, that I didn't even hear or feel it scuttle onto me. I only realized it was done when Tynea warned me that there might be some momentary discomfort as the socket for the new graft was installed.

I felt a flash of heat at the base of my spine for a split-second, and then I had a snow-white tail draped across my butt and down my legs.

It's done, Aden. You have a tail. It's not integrated yet, and without a spine it won't carry much weight beyond its own, and it'll be somewhat squishy.

The fake feedback from Sir Knives-A-Lot wasn't enough to let me really get a sense of its texture, but I felt some disorientation as my brain expanded with the connection to this new appendage, as if through a sieve. I knew how to move or curl it like I knew how to bend my arm, but not how it worked. I knew I could turn the spinneret on and off and that it had a huge array of "settings", but they felt like the options menu of my augs and less like…expressions on my face.

I tried lifting the tail and it whipped upwards instantaneously, jerking painfully on the graft adapter. I tried slower, softer motions, and gradually got the hang of it. Then I let it relax and it collapsed like a wet noodle all over me.

I finally sat up and maneuvered the thing into my face. It was so soft. I couldn't imagine chitin-based anything feeling like this. I'd never touched any fur or hair that was this soft. And it was extremely dense. The hairs were so very tiny and thin, when I ripped one out (ouch, I felt that), I had a hard time seeing it with my own eyes because it was so fine. I realized that as I shifted the tail in front of various light sources, the shade of it changed.

The chitin strands are currently without pigment or mineral deposits, explained Tynea. Their translucence means that any background colors luminescent enough will shine through and change the hair's color.

It was kind of beautiful and I decided I rather liked it.

I spent some more time playing with the tail, wrapping it around my hands and generally refining my control. It was fascinating, but it didn't quite feel the same as my own limbs.

"Tynea, is it supposed to feel so…strangely connected and disconnected at the same time? Like it's both real and not real."

That's the effect of the combat-graft. You're immediately able to use it and its function in full, but it isn't actually integrated yet. For this tail, in its particular position, integration means your spine would adapt and grow new vertebrae into it. It'd be a monkey's tail, structurally, and literally an artificially induced genetic throwback for you. That's a process that's already been started by the Class I graft adapter, but it would take weeks to complete if you weren't planning a chrysalis.

"Oh, I see. A monkey tail, huh? That's a lot more useful than the cat's tail I was thinking of."

Yes. You could've customized it to your liking, of course.

Right now you should be able to access the various functions of the spinneret, but they'll feel impersonal, artificial. Added, not grown. That, too, would change with the integration, until using them would be an automatic action much like breathing or speaking.

"Yeah that's fine. I just need to spin the cocoon, right?" I asked. The mere thought illuminated a fresh set of knowledge in my brain, as if I'd flicked on a spotlight. I just suddenly knew how to proceed. "It seems the tail came with instructions…preinstalled. Anything else?"

Keep yourself fed with the Nutri Packs. Extruding the silk will tax your metabolism and you are currently unable to feel hunger. We'll add the bladder and its inlay to the inside of the cocoon once it's completed. I would suggest you make the cocoon quite thick—you have the time and it will only improve your safety.

"Oh! I should also keep my gear with me. Will they interfere with the deconstruction or reconstruction in any way?"

No, the nanites will prevent contamination. We'll need to add some medical devices to take care of you during your dreams anyway, and I'd just suggest securing everything within the bladder with more silk.

I got up and brought my cleaned helmet and dried overall, along with the rifle and the Foxteeth. I realized I wasn't gonna fit the garments once I'd come out of the chrysalis, but I didn't really know what else to do with the stuff either. Didn't wanna just toss it. It was samurai stuff. Maybe they could be readjusted?

To learn more about the process of weaving the silk, I simply began wrapping up all of the gear into one package. It was a bit uneven and I didn't like my first try. I focused for a moment and found the 'setting' to spray a dissolving agent from the spinneret.

Touching the tip of my noodly appendage to the bundle, I kept the spray to a minimum as I slowly drew it across. It was a hot knife through butter, and the layer of silk fell apart.

The second attempt went a little nicer and I finally felt like I'd gained proper control over my tail's motions. I'd also lost my epilation virginity across the back of both hands. 

My new body's not gonna have hair that I can't make fall out on command. Yup.

I looked around my room and thought about where I wanted to place my cocoon.

For shits and giggles, I chose the ceiling, of course.

While slurping the second Nutri Pack, I dragged some sticky string from floor to ceiling and wall to wall, then created a sort of hammock of non-sticky string. I might not get stuck, but Mr. Blades absolutely would.

Situating myself in my hammock I let my tail go wild. I distracted myself from the thought of having to eventually clean all this up by throwing more silk around and squeezing delicious Nutri Packs down my throat.

After a while, I noticed that my incursion timer was still going. Two and a half hours.

"Tynea, how's the incursion looking? Can I see?"

I've accessed a wide variety of security cameras in the area. I'll create a render for you.

"Thanks."

Of course, Aden.

A three-dimensional image appeared before me, as if I could see through the walls, past the shopping strip and into New Montreal. Then the viewpoint of the camera switched, and I was looking from above as hordes of Antithesis trawled through the streets like traffic, even following the road rules in long orderly rows. As I watched, a few different older and stronger samurai destroyed them by the thousands, but they didn't seem to stop coming, heading ever deeper into the city.

Several temporary military bases had already been set up, stemming and funneling the tides, creating a cordon.

Bright flashes guided my eyes to the roof of that new museum that was supposed to have some sort of orphan charity thing happen today, and I saw a large samurai-tech railgun emplacement blast through waves and waves of model Ones, and even the occasional bigger Eleven. There was a girl Vanguard fighting mostly the land bound single-digit models on the same roof, using a mixture of grenades, guns, and shoulder-mounted mini-railguns. Those looked interesting, maybe something to consider myself?

I had a feeling that she was pretty fresh herself. Or was that large railgun hers? Then she probably wouldn't be new and just specialized wrong for direct battle.

I spotted a number of buses leaving the building she's protecting. She may be making herself a primary threat so they'll have a better chance of escaping intact.

"Well, it seems like it's working, between that gun and her. Those Antithesis are in a frenzy. Also, these aren't the weak and small models I faced, are they?"

No, they aren't. These have had time to grow properly.

I took the chance to study them a little closer, watched how quickly they moved, how even their reaction times seemed faster. I wouldn't have survived a horde of those, I didn't think. Or rather, I would've had to spend way more points on bigger, better guns. The samurai woman really gave it to them though, tossing them off the roof via explosives, shredding them by the dozen out of four barrels. I realized she was keeping to the one corner of the big gun that didn't have point defense coverage.

Eventually, shortly after the large gun's point defense appeared to have run out of ammunition, the young woman was rescued by another girl samurai with big floating laser weapons and a hovering platform of sorts. My brows rose a bit as she got strapped in with tentacles of all things. That made for an interesting picture…

Chuckling a little, I returned to my silk weaving and kept going until I sat inside an enclosed bubble roughly two meters wide. I'd made the walls a good meter thick and the whole ball of silk really took up most of the space and was rather squished between the floor and ceiling of my room.

Then I carefully attached the medical bubble with sticky silk all around, until it finally sealed itself with a soft hiss of chemical bonding.

Vulcanizing? What's the terminology?

The inlay went on the inside of the membrane and sort of glued itself to it. I couldn't even do it wrong, it pulled my hands this way or that as it draped itself across the off-white bubble. Which was a good thing, because I'd forgotten to bring any kind of lamp. 

Then I remembered the Sentinel would've had a light on it, but it was packed away and I was finished anyhow. Oh well.

I was downright chipper and eager to get to the most important topic; my new body.

 

***