While it is normal in theory for the mall to be packed with visitors on a bright and cheery Saturday like this one, I was under the impression that the culture around visiting these places had long since fallen off. Though, I do have to admit that it’s possible I had only assumed as much due to my own relationship with malls. The last time I’d been to one was with my parents about five years ago for a black Friday sale. It wound up being so disappointing compared to simply doing the shopping online that the whole outing had turned them off from the idea of the mall entirely. Not that I was complaining. The trip wasn’t particularly fun for me either. As a 13-year-old boy who was freshly addicted to playing Dota, I cared far more about stacking and pulling creeps than stacking my wardrobe with designer clothes.

With that being said, it's strange how a couple years and a change in company can warp your perception of a particular place. I was greeted by the sight of friends window shopping at clothing stores, adults sitting at the food court with their children, and young couples my age sharing laughs together while waiting in line at photo booths. It was all so foreign to me that the I was beginning to realize just how much of the world I had been missing out on by staying home on weekends to play online video games with Lance. There was this whole other flavor of life right at my doorstep, and I’d been steering clear of it in favor of the familiar mental unwinding I’d grown so accustomed to at home.

My teenage years were almost over, and I hadn’t done a mall run even once until this day. Perhaps Zoey was right. This was an opportunity I could not miss out on; a sweet milkshake to drown out the bitter taste of coffee that had stained my tastebuds for all these years.

I was nervous about it, though. So nervous, in fact, that I arrived about an hour earlier than Gwen had suggested. It was her birthday, and I felt a bit awkward about popping up empty handed. Being the only one to show their face without a gift would probably not fly too well with these guys, so I decided to try my hand at searching for a satisfactory present before the designated meeting time.

There was another issue, however. I still hadn’t moved from the seat at the food court I had taken since arriving. The medication I had been taking for the past few days was really taking its toll on me. I still haven’t been able to sleep very well, and now my fatigue was doubled thanks to the side-effects of the stuff. How on earth was I supposed to get through the day like this, exactly?

“Heyyyy! Wow, someone’s here early!”

I turned to the sound of the voice and found Naomi standing a few feet away from me with a cheery smile on her face. She was garbed in a lime-green blazer over her black crop top, both articles hanging above the waist-high denim that clung tightly to her skin. Her hair was in its signature ponytailed style, swaying and bouncing through the air with each step as she strode towards me. The beauty of the girl before me forced me to once again question Lance’s sanity. Why was he so bullish on pushing such a beautiful girl away?

“What’s wrong? Did you get the time wrong or something?” she asked, stretching her arms above her head as she finally caught up to me.

“Oh, no nothing like that. I figured I’d stop by early to buy her a gift.”

“Ooh, smart. Maybe I’ll do that too, then,” she said, taking a seat.

“You didn’t get her anything?”

“Nope!”

Attractive, and as air headed as always. Yep, that’s our Naomi.

“Still, I’m surprised that she invited you,” she said, “When did you two start hanging out?”

“Huh? Oh…” I hadn’t thought about how I’d answer that question. I had paused to give it some thought, pretending to stare longingly at the jewelry store in front of us. “I guess we just bonded over the Ben and Zoey situation.”

“Hmm. Yeah, I guess you two are kinda similar in that way. Though, I’m still surprised that you came at all. Doesn’t Bennyben kinda hate you?”

“Ah, yeah…” She said it so frankly that I almost didn’t know how to respond. “I was worried about that too. But Gwen said she’d deal with it, probably…”

“Oh, okay. If that’s how it’s gonna be then I’ll help out too then.”

“You will?”

She pressed her fist against her sternum. “Leave it to me! Just…”

“Just?”

Her smile warped into something more melancholic. “Whatever you do, don’t get on his bad side any more than you already are, okay? I can help out a little, but I can’t fix it if you make it worse than it is. He’s a dangerous guy when he gets going.”

“Ah, yeah. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything like that.”

When it came to dealing with Ben’s insufferable personality, Naomi did seem like one of the people more suited to handling him. It was probably true that so long as I didn’t antagonize him, she would save me from any undesirable outcomes. Though, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of relationship they’d had together before coming to high school. As far as I knew, the only other person that he afforded even remotely the same amount of respect to was Warren. Perhaps if I spent more time talking to people besides Lance, I would know a little more about any of these people.

“By the way, is Lance coming? Gwen told me she’d be fine if you invited him.” It was a question I already knew the answer to, but it was all I could think of to steer the topic away from Ben.

“Nope. Didn’t he tell you? We got into a huge fight at homecoming.”

“Well, that’s about all he told me. You know how he likes to keep your relationship a secret from me.”

“You and I have that in common then.” She said it with a bit of a grunt before picking herself up to begin walking through the mall. “Let’s go look for something.”

I struggled to my feet despite my fatigue and followed her, marveling at how like Lance it was to keep his views on his relationship secret from the other half of said relationship. But while it suited his character, it was still a terrible thing to do.

“Uh, isn’t that kind of weird?” I asked one I caught up with her.

“I didn’t think so at first. But after seeing how much Ben demanded to know why he was cut off by Zoey, I thought hey, maybe I should be putting my foot down too. I mean, I realized that I don’t know why he really broke up with me thanks to you.”

I don’t know what bothered me more. The fact that she had thought they’d broken up over good morning texts for the past two years, or that she was using Benjamin as a metric for what her relationship should look like. But if it meant that she was now standing up for herself, then I couldn’t be too upset about it.

“So, what did he say?” I asked.

“He said that I was being too pushy with him and that he needed time.”

“And you don’t exactly want to spend the rest of your life waiting for him, huh?”

“No,” she said. “I don’t mind waiting forever.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope. If there’s a good reason for it, then I don’t mind. But I really wish he’d talk to me about it. I want to feel like I’m a part of his life again.”

It was much unlike the sort of devotion Gwen held, which was riddled with fear and insecurity. Naomi’s resolve felt unshakable. Her voice carried with it the conviction to commit to waiting an entire lifetime for the boy she loved. Her words were blunt, and yet, within that bluntness came these pure, honeyed emotions that bubbled out and smothered my own heart in its stickiness just by virtue of being nearby. Just how much did she love this friend of mine?

“So, you guys haven’t made up since then?” I asked.

“No, he went too far this time.”

“What did he do?”

“He went back on his promise to dance with me.” Her eyes locked onto something in the distance. “Hey, let’s try this store. I could see Gwen wearing stuff like this.”

It was your run of the mill big name mall store, but the selection in the windows were artsy enough to look like the kind of thing that Gwen would pick up.

“Right, sure.”

The subtle scent of spiced pumpkin that wafted through the cool air of the store had embraced us warmly once we passed through the doors. There were a plethora of other people checking the racks out and leisurely strolling and checking out the wide variety of clothes that were available. I was once again forced to acknowledge really did feel like a whole new world coming here without my parents.

“Trist! Over here, over here!” Naomi beckoned me over to the women’s side as she scampered over to a circular rack that had caught her attention. “Wouldn’t this look great on her?”

She was holding out a purple sleeveless turtleneck. Sure enough, Gwen did seem to favor the color in most of her outfits, and it certainly did feel stylish enough.

“Do you even know her size?”

“Yeah, we’re the same body type. Except around the chest area, of course.”

I’d think it was a humble brag if it were anyone else, but this was Naomi. As blunt as ever. Besides, it’s not that Naomi’s chest was particularly large. It’s more so that Gwen’s chest could probably double as a functioning mousepad, though I’d never admit it to the girl herself.

“So uh, you guys haven’t spoken since then?” I asked.

“Hmm? You mean me and Lance?” She put the top back on the rack. “Nope, not a word. I don’t want to talk to him right now. I don’t think he lied to me. He looked like he was really going to dance with me at first. But the argument we had made him change his mind. Which I kinda get, but he should’ve tried to make it up to me by now. I mean, he promised, right?” She sighed. “Did he at least seem regretful at all when you guys spoke yesterday?”

“It’s Lance, you could take a guess.”

“I see.”

I was just being honest with her. Lance wasn’t someone to admit his mistakes and lower his head like that, especially in front of me. But was my honesty really necessary at that point? I still don’t know. All I know is that it hurt to see the façade of her joyful face slowly crumble away.

“Hey, Tristan.”

“Yeah?”

“I kinda… don’t really feel like doing too much shopping right now. Do you mind if we just sat down and talked?”

“Uh, but the gift…”

I started speaking but wound up holding my mouth. With how beat up she was, it would be wrong of me to force her to go shopping with me. If I were to weigh my relationship with Naomi versus the one with Gwen and her friends, then I’d obviously choose Naomi one hundred times over. She’s my friend just as much as Lance is. Her feelings come before anyone else’s.

“Do you want to just buy the top then?”

She nodded without looking up to face me. It was the first time I’d seen the cheery Naomi look that downtrodden. I grabbed the turtleneck off the rack and went over to check it out. There thankfully wasn’t all that much of a line, but I still felt bad about leaving her for a second. The total for the top came up to 59 dollars, which was about half of what I was carrying with me, but I paid it anyway. Once I received the bag, I returned to where Naomi was still standing, absent-mindedly flipping through clothes on the circular rack.

“Here you go,” I handed her the bag.

“Oh, here. I’ll pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I’ll pay you. Here.”

Despite my resistance, she pulled her phone out and sent me sixty dollars.

“She’s not even really your friend, is she? You don’t need to pay for something that pricey,” Naomi said.

“I guess not...”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I just need to catch myself for a sec.”

I guided her to the food court once again where the two of us had a seat at an isolated spot near the middle this time, out of the way and sight of any passersby coming through the outer edges. With a better view of the entire area now, I found myself taking in the new surroundings. The food court was home to many different varieties of fast-food choices. From franchises like Chick-fil-A, Subway and Popeyes, to different ethnic cuisine such as Thai, Chinese, or Mediterranean. The lines, which I expected to be much smaller than they had been the last time I visited, seemed determined to prove me wrong. Just why was the mall so popular today exactly? Still, if would soothe her emotional turmoil then I would just have to suck it up and wait patiently.

“Do you want anything to eat?” I asked.

“I think we should wait until everyone else gets here.”

“That makes sense.”

We sat in silence, seeping in the awkward tension that was slowly building between us. We had never been close outside of the context of Lance Harley, so we didn’t have as much of a one-on-one relationship despite the years we’ve known each other for. Of course, the tension could have all been in my head. I was the one hanging out with a beautiful girl on my own. She was just here with her friend Tristan Collins. And yet, did she really know who Tristan Collins was? Do I even know who Naomi Fraise is? Without Lance in the picture, I suddenly came to the realization that, despite how comfortable I felt around her, we may as well have been strangers.

“He’s just been living like normal ever since then, huh?”

She was hunched over the table, staring down at her thumbs as she twiddled them. What was she grappling with, exactly? Her feelings? Or what her next decision would be?

“It might have looked like I’m just the same as always, but it’s been hard to keep going, you know.” She sighed. “I smile and smile like I always do, I play volleyball like I always do, I try to pay attention in class like I always do too. But the truth is, I’m the furthest from normal that I’ve ever been in my life.”

She smiled at me as she always did, yet I could find no hint of joy anywhere on her face.

“The only thing that keeps me going, the only thing that kept me going, was the hopes that maybe he was suffering just as much as I was. Maybe he’d crack first and apologize to me for what he did. And if he did that, then maybe things would go back to normal. I could go back to bugging him and sending him cute good morning texts like I always do. But for him to be just like always...”

I had chosen my words carelessly. I’d finally realized it. My reassurance of his general mood gave her the impression that Lance didn’t need her. That he had casted her aside and could go on fine without her while she was suffering. How could I have not realized it? Why was I so dense when it came to matters of the heart?

My anger wasn’t solely directed at myself. That Lance had it in him to abandon the girl that he so clearly loved when she was this devoted to him made my head ballon in frustration. Oh, how I could only wish that Zoey felt this way about me. How much I wish what Zoey felt for me was what Gwen felt for Benjamin. It was unfair. Neither Ben nor Lance deserved that unshakeable love.

No, that isn’t true. Lance isn’t like Ben. He stuck with me through everything that’s happened in the past two weeks without questioning his devotion to me. He even joined the photography club with me despite how self-destructive and selfish I was being. That’s loyalty. And someone as loyal as he is wouldn’t just suddenly abandon Naomi like that. So then, I couldn’t help but wonder what I could say to pacify Naomi’s bleeding heart.

“I think…” I started, but my voice cracked, and I quickly found myself coughing out of sheer embarrassment.

“Haha, what kind of voice was that? Are you a chipmunk?”

“Oh, drop it…” I cleared my throat then tried again. “I think Lance is just the kind of guy who hides what he’s really feeling.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You know we joined the photography club, right?”

“Oh, the two of you did?” Her expression darkened.

“Yeah. But he kind of got on Jaz’s nerves yesterday. He overdid the usual clown act he does, even by his standards.”

“Oh, that’s… not good.”

“It’s true that he hasn’t spoken seriously about what happened with you. But if you ask me, I think he’s suffering just as much as you are.”

Her eyes widened. “How come?”

“To me, it’s like he’s forcing himself to act like normal too. Everything he does just feels more aggressive and chaotic than it usually does. And I have to say it: as his best friend, I’d just like to see him act like himself again.”

Naomi’s eyes were avoidant, still staring down at the table. She seemed to be pondering the meaning of my words. That Lance was also just a complete wreck without her.

“Truth be told, I kind of want you to join the photography club too.”

Her head popped up. “Me? But…”

“It’s okay, we only really need to show up twice a week so it shouldn’t affect volleyball. But also, I think it’d be a good chance to make up with him. He’s only going to make things worse over there the longer he goes on without you.”

“Yeah, he is kind of a peanut brain.”

“Hey, that’s your boyfriend you’re talking about.”

“I wish.”

She leaned back in her seat and stared up at the ceiling. The sun was finally emerging from behind her cloudy expression. It seemed like my words had some effect on her.

“Why did you join that club anyway?” she asked.

“W-what?” I looked away. “What are you talking about?”

“Trist, come on.” She smiled, still appearing a bit downtrodden. “I opened up to you just now, now it’s your turn. Fess up, is it Zoey or Jazmine?”

When she put it like that, there was no way to fight back. It’s true that she had put her feelings on full display for me. It was something even Lance hadn’t done with me before. It was an act of bravery I couldn’t not respect, so it was only fair that I offered her something in return.

“I… I still like Zoey.” Though I had resolved myself, the words did not come out easily.

“Oh, I thought you were over her.”

“That was only because of Ben! But since he’s out, I figured…”

“Hmm. But why not Jaz? It looked like she liked you. You might have a real shot with her.”

“No, she’s just messing with me.”

Naomi didn’t seem convinced, but she wasn’t there during our programming class, so she was probably unaware of the full scope of our relationship. Jaz was merely curious about the guy everyone was talking about in relation to Zoey. There’s nothing more to it. And besides, even if she were interested, my heart still belonged to Zoey. There’s nothing I can do about that. Just like Naomi’s heart belongs to Lance, and Gwen’s belongs to Ben. You can’t help who you fall in love with.

“But either way, she’s way friendlier with you than Zoey is, right? Don’t you think you’d have a better shot with her?”

“I guess, but it still has to be Zoey.”

“Why?”

Her question came out of left court.

“What?”

“Why Zoey? It’s not like you’re close or anything, right? Why are you so dead set on her?”

“Why…?”

From the outside, it must have seemed like a bewildering decision. Certainly, I hadn’t made any progress in talking to Zoey until last week. I’d thought that she wasn’t even aware of my existence outside of her casual hellos in the morning. But it was more than that with her.

“Zoey… Zoey is the reason I can fall asleep at night.”

Naomi stared at me with her mouth hung open. “What?”

“W-what? Did I say something weird?”

“No no, go on,” she said, grinning now. Her sudden enjoyment of my exposed feelings made me regret ever opening my mouth, but it was too late to stop.

“She’s just like… when I think about her… it’s just, I feel safe or something. I feel at home.” The image of her sitting at my side enveloped my vision. My anchor to the world. My sanity. That’s what Zoey was. Her presence saved my life, so of course I feel this overbearing love for her. She’s the only thing keeping me from going insane. “It might just be something I’ve made up in my head. I’ve barely even exchanged words with her in the grand scheme of things, but still… I’ve never felt this way about a girl before. Just that smile on her face makes the dullness of student life feel so much better. If I could just make her feel even a tenth of what I feel for her, if I could be the reason she smiles like that, then I think that I could probably die happily.”

I wonder if that’s what I was looking for? A reason to die happily? She was the only thing that had kept me going for those years after the creature attacked me. Would she be the thing that saved me from my dilemma ? Would I finally be free from my fears if I truly became hers?

“Trist, thats…” Naomi started saying something, but before she could finish her thought, the sound of her phone vibrating on the table interrupted her sentence. “Oh, it’s Gwen. I need to take this. Hello? Yeah hi! I’m already here with Trist, where are you?”

The two of them chatted over the line for a few seconds while I stared off into the distance with thoughts of Zoey dancing through my mind’s eye. It was a complicated emotion. My feelings for Zoey are powerful, that much can’t be denied. But having witnessed first-hand the extent of Naomi’s love, I’m forced to confront the fact that Zoey’s love for me may never be as pure as Naomi’s is for Lance. Am I really going to be okay with that? Is a purely physical relationship enough to temper the turbulent emotions in my heart?

“They’re at the front entrance. They should be here in a minute,” Naomi said after hanging up.

“Ah, okay.”

“Sorry. You won’t be able to buy her anything because of me, huh? If you want, you can say that this was from you.”

She offered me the bag with the turtleneck inside of it.

“No, it’s yours. You’re closer to her so it’ll mean more.”

She shrugged and placed the bag near the foot of the table. I had no time to think about gifts. It was game time. I needed to somehow navigate this situation with Benjamin without getting into too much trouble. All I could do was pray that Naomi and Gwen could provide enough cover for me.