Hey everyone. I'm back, sorta but not really. The point of this public service announcement is to let you know where I've been and a simple request I hope you will honor. I'll start with the request first, so anyone that doesn't want to know what's been going on in my life knows the request.

Please do not leave corrections or suggestions in the comments until I say otherwise. It's not that I don't appreciate them. I do! It's just that I will likely take them the way I know they're not intended due to my not great (but improving) mental health. I am sorry about this. I will let you all know when I'm in the right headspace, so you can start doing those things again.

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The future

So any of you that read either of my stories before this might realize that I took one story down, and the other one it's still left at a hiatus status awaiting its final chapter to be uploaded. The story I pulled down we'll come back up eventually I'm just extraordinarily not happy with it as it sits. I will get to it in my time and release it when I feel it's ready.

What I will call the Halloween story... Well, the final chapter is sitting at about 90% complete, but I'm just not in the right headspace to finish that chapter. I will get to it as soon as I feel able to.

This story coming up. I wrote it several years ago, and I left it in an unfinished state. When my counselor suggested I write something I found myself gravitating back towards the story. I think it's because Allison, the main character, has an emotional journey that is very similar to mine. Writing on it helped.

When I returned to the story there were definitely some changes made to it. The time frame increased, and the original concept was originally brighter. Instead, Allison’s ice queen/bitchy attitude is less an act and more unresolved issues that she faces.

In good news, I finished my 2nd degree prerequisites and have been accepted to my university of choice!

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*Last section*- recommend reading top and acknowledge before reading if

So what's been going on with me since last time I posted? Well, at least one person in the audience knows, but for those of you that don't, I started having thoughts of not wanting to be alive. It kept getting worse until it got to the point where it wasn't so passive... I'm sure it would shock no one to know that this wasn't the first time I had such thoughts, and you'd be right if you think that it was what led me to transitioning. Haven't regretted it a day (transitioning, not those thoughts). I'm not perfect, but I'm doing better. Imagine that, antidepressants and talking through things really helps. Never would have thought /s

After I started the antidepressants, I started having weekly sessions with my counselor, and it's helped. However, I've had many years of self-loathing and negative self-talk. My coping mechanism has been to abuse my one good side of my body. As I'm getting older (I'm not that old), my body has decided to have the last laugh. My left side is that a point where it's most likely experiencing tendonitis, arthritis, and/or, most likely, carpal tunnel as symptoms matched it perfectly. This would typically be unfortunate, but I have a disability on my right side. That means if my left arm goes down, I'm basically on disability. The good news is that my nurse practitioner and I are still looking into it as of writing this. I have an X-ray scheduled and will most likely be following up with an MRI after. I'm hoping that I can get steroidal injections in the future for it since my GI tract could not handle the amount of anti-inflammatory medication to keep my left arm as happy as possible. It's not to life changing levels yet thankfully. It just means I have to be extremely careful with it and that I wear a brace probably something like 60% of the time give or take on the day.

Is that all? Oh, God no. That's just the short version, but the long version deals with some stuff I'm not proud of. I'll spare me the pain and you the details. Again, still dealing with them, but I'm way closer to being where I want/need to be. 

For privacy (and left field paragraph lol), I won't tell you what happened/happens outside of me, but I will tell you it has had a pretty wide range from 'that sucks' all the way to 'oh fuck' for people close to me. As you might have guessed, it wasn't good for my mental state, and even worse for theirs.

Hope it explains why I've been MIA and will remain spotty for awhile longer. Thanks!