(Love is a complicated thing that comes in countless forms more numerous than the stars. Yet, as much as we are hurt in the end by it, we all seek it out. How wonderful a thing it must be for those who truly possess it unconditionally. – Unknown Proverb)

I was really excited for this since we were going to D.C., and we were going they’re while the Sakura blossomed. Coincidence. I think not. But the official meaning of the trip was to visit the capitol, white house, monuments, and several museums including the Smithsonian. I had bought a camera specifically for the trip. Suji seemed just as exited for the trip as well. I hugged dad goodbye as we got on the bus about a week later.

Suji pulled out an iPod with a dual headphone adapter. During the trip we listened to tons of old and new music. When soe frank Sinatra starts to play I open my eyes and ask her in Korean. “Since when do you like him?”

She just shrugs and speaks. “My folks like him so I’m used to his voice, and I like the song simply through osmosis.” I just chuckle at her at use of the word. I then lean back against the window of the coach and close my eyes again as the music reverberates throughout my head. I’ve basically in a state of semi sleep where my brain is barely functioning so I can relax and not begin trying to calculate the mysteries of the universe.

We ended up in Philadelphia by midafternoon and ended up all getting a late lunch. After that we continued the drive. Once it got to about seven some kids had fallen asleep. By the time the sun had set Suji had almost finished her book called eclipse. I think it was from the twilight saga, but I wasn’t sure.

Once we reached Ten PM the teacher said that because of traffic we would most likely reach they’re by about one so we should try to get some sleep. He then turned off the lights in the coach. Suji just marked her place in the new book and leant back with her eyes closed. It was some romance called The Sweet far Thing.

I was still sat with the side of my forehead lent against the window. I opened my eyes when I felt Suji rest her head on my shoulder during her sleep. The gentle pattern of her breath could be felt throughout my whole body. She had never done this when we went on this trip last time even though we sat together. Is it because were a lot closer in this time because I actually tried to be friends with her.

I just continued to sit there. I struggled to sleep unless there was complete silence and active noise cancellation headphones hadn’t been invented yet. I needed complete sensory deprivation to fall asleep properly. It was just a symptom of my CPTSD and Trauma. Even when I actually managed to sleep, I would get constant night terrors as well. My brain could function a few days without sleep and would be completely fine if I couldn’t fall asleep during the trip.

When we arrived at the capital it was pretty much like any other city except for the odd glaring difference. We arrived at the hotel and the teacher clap as she tried to wake everyone up. Most stayed asleep but Suji woke up with a start. She turned away as soon as she figured out, she was sleeping on me. She then promptly shouldered her backpack and got off the bus.

Mr. Barton took charge of the boys with Miss St. Claire taking the girls. We all ended up sharing rooms of four beds and I just went to sleep after locking my bag. The next day was a full day in the Smithsonian where we could pretty much go anywhere, we want as long as we sticked together. Me and Suji walked around while listening to music and discussing the exhibits.

From aircraft to dinosaurs to a document a bunch of guys signed that would change the world we walked around and just made notes of the project were working on. In pairs we had to choose a topic and write a short article about it. I had convinced her to let me do most of it with her just providing her limited opinion.

It eventually got to about three and we had to go meet up with the group. We had been having so much fun together that it only felt like a short time. The last thing we saw was the castle where it explained the history of the guy who was the founder of the place.

That day while we ate dinner at a dinner as we talked about what we saw. I participated in the conversation but was not quite there and she picked up on it. “George, what’s wrong. You seem distant.” I just come up with an answer after a few minutes of thinking and just decide to be honest. “If you knew you could make the world a better place, would you?”

“Well, yeah. This planet sucks and even making it slightly better is an improvement.” I just smile slightly and then say with a serious face. “Promise me something will you? If I ever go too far, I want you to stop me.”

She just tilts her head to the side quickly and speaks. “Sure… But why would I need to do that.” I just chuckle slightly at that. It isn’t something that I should ask a thirteen-year-old, but she’ll understand in the future. We then go back to conversing and she soon forgets about it.

The next day is a trip around the white house in the morning, which was so, so. It was interesting learning, but it was still just history. We then went and explored a bunch of landmarks and took a selfie at the Lincoln memorial. We walk to the Washington monument, and it is packed with people who are there for the trees to blossom. They are already bright pink. We go up to the top and see the spectacular view but it’s stuffy, so we soon go back down. Our playlist then ended about twenty minutes before we were supposed to leave. It turned to a new song sung by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.

Yeah, that didn’t help the tense atmosphere between us. We were both going through puberty at the moment, so our hormones were all over the place and the only real friends we had were each other. I knew where this was going to go and needed to stop it from happening. The view of her perfect almond shaped eyes being mesmerized by the beautiful trees made me realise that I loved her.

This wasn’t romantic or possessive. It was just me accepting the fact that I loved Suji for who she was. I didn’t want anything from her. This were like the movies where two people fall in love in the space of a few days. It isn’t something that can’t be explained. I can name thousand little things from the last half a year I’ve witnessed that just make my love for her increase even more.

People had a misconception about love. It wasn’t something you just felt. It was the combination of your emotions when you are with someone. With each person it was different. It came across differently in most languages since you had different words for kinds of love. The concept just seemed to not translate well to English though.

The rest of the trip was brilliant. When we made it back home, I decided I needed to talk with her about this. I could tell she was really confused about her feelings as well. Right now, we both sat cross legged on my bed. “Can we talk for a minute?”

She seemed to gulp audibly as she closed her book and placed it to the side and faced me making us sit opposite each other. We seemed to stay like this for a few minutes and avoided each other’s gaze. I then stand up and quickly close the door. We kept it open at all times to keep my parents off my back about it, but this required some privacy.

Once I sat back down, I said, “You like girls, don’t you?” She almost fell off the bed and when she rebalanced herself, she had a look which consisted of a fear and sadness. She most likely was sad that I had found out and thought I no longer wanted to be friends and scared I would destroy her life. She knew what would happen if her parents found out. A tear begins to flow down her cheek as she utters, “How?” and then begins to lightly sob.

I wince at what her reaction realising that I may have been a but rash about it and she is most likely having a major identity crisis about this internally and I may have just sent her over the edge. I immediately pull her into a hug, and she tenses up while shivering. I then say in the calmest voice I can, “I don’t care about that. Suji Park you are my best friend in the whole world. The person I trust the most. I figured it out months ago but realised it was something you would want to share when you’re ready, but you’ve been eating yourself alive with fear of what might happen.

So, I’m gonna say this now. I accept you for who you are in your complete package. With all it’s perfect imperfections. You can be wholeheartedly yourself around me and trust me with anything as I strive to do the same with you.” She then wrapped her arms around my back and fully accepted the hug while sobbing.

She eventually fell asleep in my arms, and I tucked her into my bed. As I was walking out, she said in gentle Korean. “Thank you…” After about an hour she had woken up and we spoke for a few hours. She had texted her parents and said she was staying the night with my dad’s permission.

My eyes were opened when she told me her full story. I had originally thought that she was a first generation American, and her parents had come to America in the eighties. In actuality, her dad was her stepdad who had married her mum after she came to the us with him. They were from North Korea and her father had gotten int rouble with the government. Her stepdad had fled the country with them since he was her dad’s best friend.

She was only three at the time but still remembered how bad it was. Her stepdad had promised to take care of the family if they escaped as her father distracted the Chinese authorities as they tried to make it to Vietnam, but her father was sent back to Korea and executed by anti-aircraft gun. Her entire life she had been trying to not have her father’s sacrifice be in vain and that was why she was so afraid and began to hate herself when she began to find herself wanting to watch the other girls in the locker change more than looking at any boy. A quick google search had told her what she was experiencing, and she also found the Christian stuff which condemned all those who experienced this as heinous sinners. I finally get why she volunteered during the pacific war.

She spent hours pouring her heart out and I did the same trying my best to explain that I’m Asexual/Demisexual Bi-romantic. She had originally thought I mainly liked her because she was a girl. She was so starved for companionship that even though that was her opinion of our friendship she still persisted with it. She eventually fell asleep and event though she was above me with me on the floor she held my hand. I laid back on the inflatable mattress with one hand on my forehead as I realised there were millions of people as damaged or more so than me.

It was one of those times when I lost my faith in humanity again. ‘NO!’ I thought to myself as I clenched my free hand into a fist and stared at it with a look of seriousness. I had a job to do here. I and only I have the ability to do this job since no one else ever steps up and does it before humanity falls. We all collectively need a good spanking. I looked over at her sleeping face which is right by the edge of the bed as another thought entered my mind. ‘I won’t leave any behind in the end.’

I wasn’t strong enough yet to save everyone but, in this moment, I could save her.