I was holding him tightly in my arms on the hospital bed. I'd wrapped him in a blanket, like my papa had shown me. He was shaking again. So tightly wound in himself. He was fully conscious this time, his eyes kept opening and closing, so tightly shut. He was making those small sounds, the little gasps, but this time also sounds as if he were in pain. But he told me he wasn't in pain. It was different. It didn't sound different to me. All I could do was hold him like this, between my legs, press the side of his face to my neck, put my cheek on his forehead, hold him tight. Making little sounds of my own, the tsking he liked, saying loving words, comforting words. 

He'd been shaking off and on all day like this. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but it seemed like whenever his blood sugar dipped low, his hands would start to shake, then his legs, and then the rest of him. My mom would go find a nurse, and they'd give him medicine. When he calmed down, they would give him crackers to eat. I felt like crackers weren't enough. But they were trying to keep him from developing high blood sugar.

This condition was dangerous now, they'd said. The swings were too wild. It was out of control. It shouldn't be like this. Blood sugar shouldn't swing like this when someone eats something as simple as a cracker. 

They said it was his endocrine disorder. His brain, telling his body the wrong signals. They didn't know what to do about his brain. They could only the treat the symptoms, and the symptoms were too wrong. 

I rubbed my cheek on his forehead, pulled him even closer, adjusted my body. Started to rock him gently back and forth. How did it get like this? Like this, all of a sudden? He was okay yesterday, and now...

"Te- Tetsu... Tetsu..." 

I kissed his forehead. I thought about it for a second, and kissed it again. He made a sound that was like a hiccup. Kept making little gasps, like he couldn't breathe, but his O2 said he was okay in his breathing. They had to be from pain. I knew it. How could I stop him from being in pain? 

"I love you," I whispered to him, kissing his forehead again. "I love you." 

My mom returned, and our nurse was with her. The nurse inserted the syringe needle into his IV line. I knew he'd stop shaking soon. But the medicine might make his brain react too intensely, making his blood glucose too high. With how many times it happened today, it was certain. They were trying to adjust the medication level, to see if that worked. It was Glucagon, used to treat low blood sugar. It stimulated the liver to release glucose stored in there. But his problem wasn't his liver. His liver was healthy. All of his organs were healthy. That was the part that messed with me. It was his brain... A genetic defect in his brain causing all of this. His healthy organs didn't matter. 

I held him as his body received the medicine again. I wished I had the book I read to him when he gets his nebulizing treatment at home. Maybe the stories would help calm him. He was connected to a heart monitor as well, as news of his heart condition had been the first thing my papa had told reception when we came in. His heart was all over the place. 

I didn't have room to be terrified. He looked terrified enough. 

I made little shushing noises. I didn't know what other sounds I could make. It was all that came to mind. He was making crying sounds, but he wasn't crying. 

"Are you in pain? Do you want pain medication? You're so tensed up. You must be in pain. Baby, do you want the medication? It's okay. You can have it. We can get it." I kissed his forehead again.

I asked so many times, because he'd refused it as many times. Why? Maybe the medication could even calm him down. Something. Even if he wasn't in pain...

"No... No..."

I knew he was out of it. I knew he might be confused now. Maybe even confused about what was happening. So, maybe he didn't understand my question. So, I kept asking. 

"Do you want something that will make you feel better? Calm you down? Help you sleep?" 

"No... N- No..."

"Okay, baby." I swept his bangs up, and kissed his hair. I laid my cheek on top of it. I rocked him slowly. I could feel him already easing up with the medication. Just like before. "The Glucagon is working, darling. Feel it? Are you feeling better?" 

No response from him. That was okay. I could feel him easing. He was feeling better. 

"Do you want something to help you sleep?" 

No response. 

I began rubbing his back. A good idea. Maybe, if he didn't want pain medication, maybe I could massage him and make him feel better that way. Soothe his muscles a different way. I was so glad I'd thought of it. I began massaging gently. I didn't want to hurt him. This thought caused a small catch in my throat, but I swallowed it. I couldn't cry. That isn't what he needed right now. I had to tell myself that, to stop myself from crying. I knew enough for that. I rubbed the back of his neck with my fingertips.

He was relaxing now. Not entirely stopped, but he was coming down. 

"There, that's better. Do you know where we are?"

Before, he'd said we were in Yokohara-sensei's office. A good guess. A medical setting. But not right. My mom had assured me he would come back. That the low glucose was causing a fog in his brain right now, but it was temporary. I had to believe her.

He didn't respond. His eyes were closed. I continued to rock him, massaging the spot where his neck met his back. 

My mom sat down in her chair, to the right of us. "You're doing a good job," she assured me. "You're doing the best thing. It's familiar."

I nodded. I'd do this forever, if that's what he needed. I knew that for certain.

 

I remembered a time, that seems so long ago now. Back in late October. It was the evening, and I'd just gotten out of a meeting. I took a cab to the college where Sana works. I wanted to surprise him. I knew which office he worked in. I was so excited to surprise him, and we'd go out when he got off work. 

I showed up, and found the building he worked in. However, you needed a college issued I.D to get in. Darn, foiled. So, I called him. 

"Hello, this is the Student Resources office. How may I help you?" His voice. Ah, his voice.

"Yes, I'm looking for a book about Astronomy for my Astronomy class." I put my tongue in my cheek at my cleverness, trying not to smile too much.

"Did you mean to call the library? I can give you the number," he laughed, playing along.

"No, I want your number, I want to ask you out on a date!" I laughed with him. 

"Where are you?" He was beside himself now. "You're lucky I'm the only one here."

He sounded so professional. It kind of turned me on. I looked up at the sky. It was pink and orange. "I'm outside your building. I can't get in! I need an I.D. I was going to surprise you." 

"How did you get on campus? Security is not doing their job." He was laughing again.

"I don't know," I giggled. "Is someone going to lose their job?"

"I don't know." He couldn't stop laughing. I loved it. I wanted to joke with him like this more often. I wanted to hear that laugh. "Here, I'll buzz you in. We have a button for students who lost their I.D and need to come to us for a new one." 

"Help me-e, I lost my I.D. I'm a freshman," I whined. 

He absolutely lost it at this. I laughed with him, tears in my eyes. He was so adorable. I heard a loud buzzing sound, and a lock clicked. I pulled the door open. "I'm in your building! Where's the office?" I wanted to run to him!

"Go left and go all the way down the hall. You'll see the Student Resources sign, and then there will be another sign on the door. I'm not allowed to leave the desk, so I can't meet you at the door. I wish I could!"

"Okay!" I started walking as fast as I could, looking every which way for the sign. I saw a sign for the library. The bathrooms. Passed a bunch of glass windows with speaker holes in them. I looked up, and saw the sign. It was just at the end of the glass windows. I looked to my right, through one of the windows, and there he was! 

He looked so gorgeous. He was wearing a dark blue button up shirt that was slim fit, a slim black tie. His hair was slicked back, so it didn't look as long as it really was. It looked very neat. He wore his black framed glasses. I could tell he was wearing makeup, but to the untrained eye he looked natural as can be. It only enhanced his features, and it was genius. 

I swung open the door with force. He looked up, startled. But that smile! 

"Yay!" He said in English, beaming at me. 

"Yay!" I repeated, spreading my hands up to the ceiling. He laughed, putting his hand over his mouth. Always so modest! I went up to the desk, stood in front of him, unable to contain myself. My hands landed on the desk. "Hello, I'd like an order of fries," I said, looking at him slyly. 

He leaned on the desk with me, on his elbows. I wanted to tear off his shirt at this. He rested his chin on the backs of his hands. "You must want the cafeteria. I can give you the directions." He was trying so hard to contain his grin. 

"No, I want you!" I laughed. He burst into giggles. 

He put a finger over his beautiful lips. "Shh, shh. Not so loud." He whispered now. "I want you, too. Hi."

"Hi," I whispered back, grinning at him. 

He looked one way, and then the other. His glasses amplified this. I was fascinated. Quickly, he leaned in to me, his lips puckered. I leaned in, too, and gave him a quick peck. Pink blush formed on his cheeks. I wanted to pull his face to mine and kiss him again, but I knew we couldn't do that here, for many reasons. 

"When do you get off work? Five, right? Or was it five-thirty? I want to take you out. Anywhere you want to go. I'm not picky." I extended my hand to his. He looked down at it, and put just the tips of his fingers on top of mine. Just in case we needed to pull away from each other quickly in case someone walked in. We did this a lot at restaurants. Still, even the tips of his fingers filled my heart with butterflies.

"Five-thirty. I start closing down the office at five. It's 4:57 now. Three more minutes. Want to help? It will go faster if you do." He was looking down at my fingers, a smile lingering on his face, that blush still there. I could tell his heart was full of butterflies, too.

"I want to help! What do I need to do?" I jumped on the balls of my feet, excited. 

He giggled at this. "You're so cute. Can you check to see if anyone left any trash in the sitting area? ...Oh, wait, I don't want you to get your hands dirty. Sometimes they leave tissues and stuff like that..." He absentmindedly put a curled finger to his mouth, thinking. I wanted to kiss it. I was cute? Was he joking? He was way more cute!

"I will do it!" I exclaimed. I immediately set off to work.

"But, wait! I don't want you to have to touch garbage. I'll do it!"

I laughed, so happy to just be with him. "It's okay! I'll wash my hands after!"

"Okay," he said behind me. "I'm going to shut down the computers and arrange my daily files for tomorrow."

"Okay!" 

We were quiet for the next fifteen minutes, going about our tasks. I wondered who would take out the garbage. I'd found a small black garbage can with a clear plastic bag in it that nobody seemed to be using in the waiting area. I'd found a couple of bottles tucked under chairs, forgotten. I found a magazine on a chair and put it back on the little table with the other magazines. I tucked these together and made them look neat. I found an empty squid snack bag and put it in the little garbage can. I began swiping at the seats of the chairs with my hands, trying to get off any dust or crumbs. So careful. I wanted to do the best job possible, because I was helping him do his job. 

I heard an unfamiliar noise, and looked up. He was getting out a red stand up vacuum. 

"I'll do it! You go do something else. This is something I can do," I said, running over to him. He looked grateful, giving me that smile again. I couldn't resist! I pecked his cheek. He squealed, and I laughed. He looked embarrassed at what he'd done, making a cute face. I poked his arm, and took the handle of the vacuum from him. I immediately started looking for an outlet, and found one beside a chair.

In ten minutes, we were done. The last tasks were pulling down blinds behind the glass windows, and turning out the lights. We did these things together. With the blinds down and the lights off, suddenly he pulled me close. I heard his breath in my ear, in the darkness. A liquid sound met it, and his lips were compressing my ear. So warm. His arms enveloped me, and I leaned into him. My arms wrapped around him, and I let out a shaking breath. No hiding my emotions. Not in the dark. "There you are," I breathed, "finally." I closed my eyes, letting myself get lost in him.

 

My mom turned the lights in the room off so Sana could sleep better. The streetlights outside were still illuminating all of us softly. Sana was clearly asleep now. He'd stopped shaking, and now he could get some rest. He must be so exhausted. I was still rubbing his back. 

"Do you need something to drink?" My mom asked. 

"No, I'll be okay."

"You need to eat something, too. You have to take care of yourself."

She was right. But, I didn't want to stop holding him. I needed to. Something in me wouldn't let go. 

She picked up her brown purse from the side table. "I'm going to the cafeteria. I'll pick something up for you. What do you want?" 

I shook my head, noncommittal. I closed my eyes and began rocking Sana. Loving him. 

"I'll find something good. Nutritious. Don't worry. I'll be back soon."

"Okay. Thank you, mom."

She nodded and left, closing the door. I kissed his forehead. I pressed my lips to his precious forehead again. Then again. I wanted to do it again, but didn't want to wake him. I needed to show my love to him. Needed to show I love him. Something inside was desperate to show him.

"I love you," I whispered, as serious as I could be, even though he couldn't hear me. 

Maybe he could hear me in a dream. And softly, in the semi-darkness, I began to hum to him, a familiar song that I knew was one of his favorites. Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell. Soothing sounds.