My mom, papa, and Natsuko were here now. Natsuko had brought cookies with her, trying to cheer me up. It was sweet of her, and I'd politely eaten two of them. I still had no appetite, but they tasted good.

Earlier, before they came, I had asked the nurse for things to give Sana a bed bath. The nurse had given me the supplies, and lovingly I had cleaned him up. I'd rubbed his hair in the cap, massaging his head. With care, I'd lifted each arm and soaped them up with the sponge, checking the temperature of the water in the little basin. I'd taken my time, cleaning him, going slow. I got every crevice. He'd been a little sweaty, so I was glad to make sure every part of him was clean. I'd even gone between his toes, hoping the tickling wouldn't wake him. He slept through it all. I was a success. I hoped he'd feel better now, being clean. It always felt good to feel clean. I'd then carefully replaced his hospital robe with a new one, turning him this way and that way on the bed. He slept like a baby through it all. I was so glad. 

I was proud now that Sana was clean. My family was here, and I knew if Sana was awake he wouldn't have to feel embarrassed about being dirty or less clean, having now been in the hospital for two days. 

My papa was trying to fill the room with noise, his nervous habit. He was talking about the baseball pre-season, and I didn't mind. I knew Sana liked baseball, so he'd like to hear about this. My papa was bringing up the Hanshin Tigers a lot, so I knew he was thinking about Sana, too. Natsuko brought up our nephews, about how they were excited for the pre-season as well. But, things got awkward when my papa let slip that he wanted to go to one of these games with Sana and my nephews. We got quiet. My papa looked like he'd said something he hadn't meant to say.

I broke the silence. "It's okay to want that. I want that, too. I want to go with you all. It will be fun. I don't know when we can go. But we'll go."

My papa nodded. "We'll go. I know Sana says he likes to collect the baseball cards. There will be new cards this season."

My mom chimed in. "I bet the boys will be interested in the cards, too. Maybe they can trade cards together."

I made a mental note to get my hands on those cards for him. I didn't know that. When had Sana told my papa he likes baseball cards? Where was his collection? At his apartment? I wanted to see them. I wanted him to point at his favorites and tell me all about them. Just to see his smile, hear his enthusiastic voice.

I felt sudden wetness in my eyes. I blinked it away quickly. Breathed in. Thinking about his smile had done it. I focused on my breathing.

My sister noticed this. She put her hand on mine. "Are you okay?" She asked quietly, her face concerned. I nodded. I sniffled a little. I heard the sound of a tissue being swiped out of its box. My mom handed it to me. I put it to the inside corner of my eye, then to the other. 

"How have you been holding up today?" My sister asked. "I read your post about yesterday. That sounds awful. So scary. I don't know how you manage it. If it were my husband... I can't imagine it. I'd be so panicked. But the way you're handling it... How are you feeling?" Her hand squeezed my shoulder. I didn't look at her face, staring at my lap. 

"Oh, um..." I said, my shoulders tensing a little. I hadn't expected to be asked that so suddenly. "I feel like, I have to be strong. I can't break down. He needs me, so..."

"It's okay to break down. This is really hard. You don't have to feel like you need to carry all of this yourself. We're here for you, too." My sister squeezed my shoulder again.

I shook my head quickly. I couldn't look at her. I'd cry, I knew it. I blinked rapidly. The inside corners of my eyes were still wet. No, they were wet again. I dabbed them with the tissue still in my hand. 

"Te-chan," my mom said softly, "we're here for you. It's okay." I felt her hand on my back, from the other side of me. I put my hands on my face. A small sob escaped from my throat. Oh no. 

I saw my mom move in her chair, her arms outstretched. I didn't want to cry. Not right now. Another sob escaped my throat, and I quickly got up from my chair. I raced to the bathroom connected to the room. I closed the door. 

I heard my mom say my name. So worried. I sat down on the shower stool in here. I put my hands on my face. And suddenly all of my sobs were coming out into my hands. Choking me, making it so I couldn't hide my sounds. My sounds were so loud. I didn't want them to hear me, but I had no choice.

A knock on the door. "Tetsu." My sister. 

I let it out. No choice now. I had no control, I realized. Oh no. "I just want him!" I cried out, my voice a gasp. "I just want him to say my name! I just want-" I whimpered loudly. My voice made a high, whining sound. 

"Oh, Tetsu." My sister's devastated voice. 

"He was- He was fine the day before yesterday! And the day before! Why is this happening? What did I do? What did I... What did I do? What did I do?" Crying, in pain.

"You didn't do anything. This isn't your fault. It's nobody's fault." My sister's voice was starting to cry. 

"What did I miss?!" I cried out. "What did I not do?! He told me his legs were going numb! Why didn't I get him help?! Why did I assume we had time?! We-" Terrible sobs at this. Terrible thoughts. "How much time do we have? Why did I waste time?! Why didn't I get him the help he needs?!"

I couldn't say anything more. Just terrible sobs. I folded over myself, my elbows on my knees. 

I whispered to myself. I knew they couldn't hear me, but I hadn't really been speaking to them anyway. I'd been yelling at myself, I realized. Yelling, shaming myself. I needed to be ashamed. "Why didn't I get him the help he needs?" I whispered, my voice so squeezed it came out like a squeaky wheel.

 

Time had passed. I'd been in the bathroom for a long time. My family had been quiet, respectful, I assumed. I'd stopped crying a long time ago, just staring at the tile in here. My heart tightened like someone had it with a wrench suddenly, because of a thought. I shot up from my chair. Sana needed me. What was I doing in here? I opened the door quickly and walked back into the room. I was filled with relief to see him still sleeping peacefully there.

But, my family was staring at me. My mom and sister were on the far side of the bed. My papa was on the side I was on. 

My sister's mouth opened, but she seemed hesitant. She closed it again, and got up from her seat. I watched her come over to me, and I looked at the ground, shrinking into myself. 

Silently, without a single word, she wrapped her arms around me. She embraced me, and I let her hold me. I didn't put my arms around her. I couldn't. The inner edges of my eyes were wet again, but I didn't cry. 

Slowly, she began to speak. "You didn't do anything wrong. You have to know that. You couldn't have predicted this. You didn't do this to him. You didn't. You didn't harm him. I know you'd never hurt him. You know that. So, why are you blaming yourself as if you did? Don't do that. You would never hurt him."

I sniffled. I nodded. 

"Okay? So, stop blaming yourself. You're not to blame."

She took my hand and led me to my chair. Wordlessly, she handed me a cookie. I nibbled it, and it did taste good. 

"Mom told me you're not eating. You need to eat. Eat that cookie. It's good for you right now."

I nodded. I took another bite. I had a sudden memory, and decided to share it.

"Sana made cookies once. He said they were Chinese sesame cookies. He found the recipe online."

"Oh, yeah?" My sister had a cookie in her hand now. "What did they taste like?"

I thought for a moment. A pause. "Mm... I can't describe it. Kind of nutty, almost. I couldn't stop eating them. They were very subtle. A lot of his recipes are. He doesn't like the tastes to be overpowering. I like that."

"I hope he can make them for us soon. I bet our nephews will like them."

I nodded. "Me, too. I want to eat them again. He made them right before we came to see papa and mom again. Right before..." A hook was around my heart, trying to drag it down into my belly, into darkness. I was staring blankly, at my knees. The tears at the inside edges of my eyes were back.

My sister's hand was on my back, rubbing it. Bringing me back. "Eat your cookie," she said softly. I put my cookie to my mouth, took a bite. It was a butter almond cookie shaped like a flower, one of the variety she had brought.

My vision was filled with the image of him baking cookies all of a sudden. Those sesame cookies. A wish. Of him in the future, looking healthy, wearing a pretty kimono like the sort I knew he collected. I had seen a few curious looking storage boxes in his secret closet in his hallway when I'd gone exploring. Fragrant, cedar boxes. I'd discovered kimono wrapped in tatoushi in them, to my delight. He had a pretty, light silver blue kimono with small branches embroidered all over it of the same color, like patterns. A very wintery color. My favorite. I imagined him wearing this one, with a light purple obi. I imagined him wearing an apron like the ones my mom wore, squatting down to look at the cookies in the oven, his face so serious. But when I let myself be known in the room, he looked around and saw me, his face becoming a smile. That smile I loved, smiling just because I was there. That love.

I realized I'd been being quiet. My sister was looking at me, and so was my mom. My papa was trying to be subtle, but I saw him looking at me, too. They all looked so sad. But I was filled with a different feeling.

That image of Sana in that kimono. Smiling at me. Baking cookies. So happy. I wanted to make that happen. Make him feel safe. Give him a nice kitchen to make the cookies in. Give him a nice life, where he didn't have to worry. Where he could be happy and free, doing what he wished without a care in the world. I wanted to work hard, so he could be happy like this. Always. 

I decided to tell my family this, about what I'd been thinking about a few days ago. It felt right, thinking these things now.

"You know," I said, quieter than I'd expected. I looked down at my lap. "I was thinking about..." I swallowed. My hands went together, my fingers digging into my knuckles in my sudden nervousness. I felt my breath go quicker. "I was thinking...that I want to marry Sana. That you're right. I want to marry Sana."

My sister let out a little gasp. A kind of squeak. My mom let one out at the same time, a kind of choking sound in her throat. 

I went on. "I want him to be happy. For however long... No. I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy, too. I know this would make us both happy. I want to be his family." I was rocking my hands back and forth in my lap, in my nervousness. "He doesn't have a family. And I want him to have a family. He deserves that. He needs..." I swallowed again. My throat was closing up. "He needs me. I need him. It's just...right. I know the law will protect us. I know that somehow, we ended up very lucky, somehow, how we're able to get married because of the circumstances of his birth. Maybe, maybe... Maybe he was born that way for a reason. So I can protect him now. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to make reasons. But... I think... I think..." My hands were blurry. "I think, even if he were male on his birth certificate... If he needed me, I'd move to America and marry him, too. I know we could get married there in that circumstance. That's my feeling about it. Whatever he wanted. I've been thinking about that. I need to protect him, in whatever way."

I stopped talking. My hands were clenched so tight. My nails were digging into my knuckles.

I felt arms around me. I looked up. My sister was hugging me. 

"We'll help you," my mom said. I could see her face was in shock. So was mine. "Don't worry about a thing. We'll help you with this. Anything you or Sana want. You deserve to be happy, too."

My sister let out a tiny sob next to my ear. I was surprised at this. I realized I was fully in shock by what I'd just said to all of them. Couldn't believe what I'd just confessed. It hadn't seemed like such a big deal in my head, but now...

My papa cleared his throat. We all looked at him. And what he said, I entirely did not expect, even though he'd shown me nothing but support my entire life.

His hands were on his knees, a position of authority. "I'm proud of you," he said simply. That was it. But that's all he'd needed to say. 

My throat choked up, and suddenly tears were going down my face. "Papa..." I could barely say it. My sister was crying, too. 

"Are you going to propose?" She asked me, uncontrolled excitement ringing in her voice, hugging me tighter. "Are you going to do it western style because Sana is American? Do you think he'd want a ring? He's pretty feminine, like a girl. Don't tell him I said that! But you know it's true. We can go shopping for rings."

I sniffled back my tears. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I honestly can't think about that part of it right now. I just know what I want to do. I want to wait until he gets a bit better. I know it looks like he's just sleeping now, but... We're not out of the woods yet, and we have to be patient. I don't know if... If I can marry him at all. I don't know..." The tears were back. One rolled down my cheek again. "I just wanted to share what I was thinking about a few days ago. Mom and I had a talk, and she really made me think about some things. She said some things about protecting him, about how marriage can help me protect him in ways that I can't right now. By the law. And... It made me think."

My sister nodded. She squeezed me. 

"That's right, Te-chan," my mom said, reinforcing me. "You can protect him so much more with marriage. Such as, with what Yokohara-sensei said today. About needing Sana's consent to talk to you about things. If you were married right now, Yokohara-sensei wouldn't need Sana's consent. Right now, Sana isn't able to take care of himself. So, legally, you would be the one Yokohara-sensei could tell these things to. It's just like if something were to happen to papa. There wouldn't be a second thought. They'd tell me everything and let me make decisions, because I'm his spouse."

"Don't say things like that, mom," my sister said, unlinking her arms around me. She settled back in her chair, but was still smiling at me, encouragingly. "Don't talk about papa like that."

"I was just saying an example."

I saw my papa nodding across from us. 

My mom leaned back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling, clearly in thought. "If you want to propose to him western style, I have a ring you can use. I know just the one."

"Huh?" My eyes went wide, and I turned my head to her full on. I admit, it was slightly amusing me the way they were getting carried away. Who said I was going to propose western style? A ring, too. Why did they think Sana would want a ring? It almost made me want to laugh. How strange. 

"Yes, I know just the one. I'll give it to you, if that's what you want to do."

I didn't know what else to say. My mouth was slightly open, in shock at this. What was she saying? 

"Which ring is it?" My sister eagerly wanted to know. Her hands had leapt together, in her excitement.

I think they were forgetting what was really going on here. Getting carried away. I looked at Sana, his peacefully sleeping face. I suddenly heard the sounds of his monitors beeping again, like birdsong coming back after they've been shocked into silence for a while. I reached to him, and found his hand under the blanket. I slid my chair closer, and held his hand. It was warm under there. That filled me with gladness. He was so warm. 

They'd stopped speaking when I did this. I think they'd gotten the message, maybe. 

Still, I understood their excitement. I was thirty-nine. I had never dated a woman and had no intention of ever doing so, and I had always told them that I thought marriage was something just for people in straight relationships. I never thought I would want to get married. I thought marriage was for other people, not me. I had been comfortable with that. So, I understood their excitement. For them, marriage equated happiness. It was a common way to think. They thought, and had told me, that without a spouse, how could someone feel complete? How could you have a complete life without a family of your own? They hadn't understood how I felt. And I still didn't understand their thinking, either. It wasn't about all of that for me. It was about Sana and I. What I had to do. What I wanted to do. Making a family with him, just he and I, to make myself his family. To take care of him, as family. And if marriage was a way to get that, then I'd do it a million times.