Long, puffy, messy hairy and bags around my eyes, bags so large they could carry the whole store. Just by looking at me, you could easily tell I was painfully single and lived alone. I've been told that more times than you can say diction without it sounding weird the first 10 times.
Plenty of people my age (19 turning 20) have already lost their virginity and done that weird couple stuff people do in public to make you feel sorry for yourself, but I found it unnecessary.
I'm still in school, aren't I? Why give me the stress of worrying about pregnancy in the midst of getting my degree?
While rushing my half-asleep body from the library to my first class, I felt a harsh tug on my collar pushing me into the cold metal locker, several large bodies circled my body. The same hands grabbed me by my front hair, shoving my face against the lockers, they threw my back against the floor and kicked me, squeezing the soles of their shoes against my face, and blood streamed from my nose to the dusty corridor floors.
The student leaders watched as they left me battered and bruised, screaming slurs loud enough for neighbouring classes to hear.
Did the teachers ever do anything?
No, but do they ever?
I got up and dusted myself off before continuing. Upon arrival, the class fell silent, they watched as I made my way to the back ignoring all the pitiful stares I had received from everyone including the teacher. My bag crashed to the floor and slept beside the table I was assigned, taking out the books and waiting for the silence to end as their eyes traced my black eye, and cut lip.
The day flashed by quickly and what a bore it was, from lecture after lecture to assignment after assignment, Although I accomplished a lot on the Biology task, the others were a letdown, earning Bs and Cs in my psychology and computer science. The noon sun transitioned into a vibrant orange glow on the once baby blue sky, I swiftly made my way to my locker and packed everything into my navy blue bag. I left the school grounds and passed through the dog park.
Of course, I don't own a dog but I enjoyed the company they gave, so the park was the closest thing I would get to a dog.
I made my way to a nearby bench that stood unbothered by the hyperactive dogs. Many dog owners were around either playing or chatting with each other and some were friendly enough to let me greet their dogs. About 45 minutes passed, and I was getting bored, I leaned onto the bench and took out a half-eaten sandwich, unwrapped it and took a large bite. As the leaves jerked against each other, a silent breeze blew through the air, slowly darkening the sky as the sun vanished into the horizon, street lights flickered on and the last bark of the day faded as owners left with their pets.
For the first time in a while, my mind stood still, no thoughts, no voices, just my body.
Just me.
The ease of mother nature's music didn't last as long as I wished it would, the sound of panting followed by harsh steps on the grass uneased me. I shifted my body and my eyes shot out at the sight of two large huskies charging toward me, I panicked and stood on the bench and extended my arm into the air to keep my food safe but one husky leapt and bit the sandwich out of my hand.
'Fuck!'
"Sorry!" a voice came from the distance, it was hoarse with a hint of an accent, I turned to my left to face a man visibly out of breath, the two large canines sat still on the bench with their ears lowered but still refusing to let go of the sandwich, I gritted my teeth but forced out a soft chuckle looking back to the man, the man looked up and met my gaze. His bright eyes met with my dark ones, gazing at his figure I realized we were nothing alike body-wise.
For example, he had a large chest and defined body shape whereas I was almost flat-chested and fairly skinny with body fat but my body was still recovering from decisions I made in my past.
He had short curly and very messy hair but mine was quite long and puffed, after a period of silence he finally spoke, "Sorry about that, I can get you a new one if you want" he offered. I was brought back from my thoughts and a faint smile curled on my face," Thank you but, I don't think that would be necessary." I declined, and his expression faded and his eyes widened, "Oh, I'm so sorry man, I didn't know you were a guy." he examined but his voice holding confusion.
Just smile.
"I mean- I'd still like to take you out."
I declined again, but the taller male insisted forcing me to stay and talk. While holding my bag tightly, I managed to nod as a wave of anxiety overwhelmed my body.
We chatted, or he chatted and asked questions about me, I stuttered through every sentence as his gaze intensified, devouring my body. Questions got stranger as he got closer attempting to touch my hips, by instinct I grabbed his wrist, and he froze flinching back, I let go of him and immediately apologised before we were engulfed in awkward silence.
"I am bi, you know, so if you wanna hang out sometime I'm free whenever," he offered. I printed a smile before turning around and rushing off.
My escape from the situation came to a close end, my apartment being a few blocks away. I dove my hands into my pockets feeling autumn make its effect on the summer night, a piece of paper caressed my right index finger, I pulled it out and opened it.
He slipped his number into my pocket, "Weirdo," I whispered to myself, an uneasy feeling loomed over me as I remembered the awkward conversation we had, I was taken back when he mentioned he was 26. Even if I thought of him as attractive an 8-year gap wasn't something I felt comfortable with. I extended my arm and threw the paper into the trash can attached to the ground beside the street light.
Finally reaching the stair to the complex building I took out my ID card, slid it into the slot and the door unlocked. I watched the elevator close just as I walked in.
shit, I swore feeling the exhaustion and laziness in my body fuse.
Just across the lift, I stared at the endless staircase hidden in the corner of the hall. I grunted and began the climb.
"Whoever made this building so fucking high, deserves to have a cockroach climb in their-" I stopped myself from cursing as a neighbour walked passed me. Finally reaching my door and unlocking it I set my bag on the floor and left the lights off.
I made dinner in the dark and tried to enjoy it on my bed while the new neighbours blasted horrible music through the wall. Tired and beyond irritated I took my headphones from the nightstand to the right of my bed and played white noises but not for the homework that piled up in my bag, but for my sanity.
Despite the overwhelming urge to kick their door down and smash their speaker I managed to distract myself with chores that I'd been avoiding for weeks.
After sweeping and doing the dishes I turned the lights on, if the man from before had followed me as I suspected, he most probably left by now. I felt relief wash over me as the only thing that stood between me and this place getting cleaned was the trash that had been into the corner of the room.
I put on white gloves in fear I would catch a virus from the black bags, and flinched lifting the first bag and feeling something move within them. After an hour of encouraging myself, I grabbed the rest of them.
Holding my breath, I ran through the empty halls towards the outer side of the building which was annoyingly far, once I made it, I launched the bags into the large metal garbage container with piles of similar bags.
"Finally, my room won't smell like crude oil," I sighed quietly to myself.
My walk back was complete agony as the smell of my garbage bag had not left the area, I made it to my room but before I could enter, the sound of a door opening caught my interest, turning to the source my eyes met with dark silvery ones, a fine well-built figure, he was about over 180cm, he had tattoos on his chest to left veiny arm.
He looked as If he could end me out in one punch. He smirked when he noticed I was staring. Flustered, I quickly turned my head towards the door.
The only weird thing I noticed about him is that he wore gym shorts in the cold, just as I was about to enter my home (again) a second guy came out" Dud-" he froze as well alongside the tattooed guy 'They're staring so intensely,' I thought as my head began burning from the attention.
The second guy was quite similar to the first, same bright silvery eyes but with a hint of green same well-built body and strangely the same facial features, moments passed and we all decided to go inside. Once I was inside I shut the door and took a deep breath slowly sliding my back to the door, "Why were you staring for so long?" my face burned feeling the embarrassment settle in.
After that cringe-worthy experience, I walked to the bathroom and took out my toothbrush and toothpaste. I smeared a small amount of toothpaste onto the brush and began to clean my teeth, after a good 5 minutes of brushing I spat the white foam out and wiped my mouth with a clean cloth, my eyes wandered to the mirror in front of me and trailed my chest soon realising why they were staring so intensely.
I wasn't wearing my binder.
My face dropped, dread overtaking the room, "Fuck. I must have looked so stupid," I whispered, the uncomfortable distress of knowing someone saw my most vulnerable parts.
Just staring.
I trailed to something else, wanting to rid my mind of the moment.
But of course, my eyes trailed to something id been dreading to think of.
"Has my hair always been this long?" I pulled strands of my hair and indeed they were at least a ruler's length from my ears to the higher quarter of my back. It's been a common occurrence for people to comment on how long my hair was, I thought that they were exaggerating.
I reached out my hand to grab the nearby scissors that lay face down next to my lotion, I took one more look in the mirror, 'What are you doing?' my eyes shut and my brows curled knowing what would play out, "I thought you said we wouldn't cut our hair." I could still see her, feeling her stare at me with that blank expression as her head tilted, and her eyes refusing to look away from me. Shadows came to life and devoured the room, their distorted faces laughing, mocking, and disregarding me.
The silence crying for a name long forgotten and dead to me, the cold empty abyss mirroring her voice, my hands shaking feeling the weight of the scissors doubled in size, my heart was pounding, scratching against my throat, screaming for me to drop the two-bladed tool.
The room felt cold and uninviting.
I felt alone
I was alone.
'What about your mom?
what will she think?
you're taking her little girl away from her.'
'You're taking me away from her.' she echoed.
Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face, dripping off of my chin and landing into the sink, a lump formed in my throat unwilling to let my screams out.
It hurt.
And I was tired of being hurt.
I opened my eyes and watched the mirror mimic a woman from behind braiding my hair.
She hummed softly and called out a name, her smile faded when no response followed.
"I wanna be happy too Mom." It came out quieter than a whisper, but I know she heard my voice trembling with each word I forced out.
I closed my eyes once again and grabbed a chunk of hair, I cut through it as quickly as my fingers allowed me, when I opened my eyes everything was silent, the music from the neighbours quietened down significantly but a suffocating sense still drowned the room.
A sigh escaped my lips as I reached deep into my cabinet and took out a razor, 2 different brushes, a trimmer and a hairdryer. My eyes travelled to the mirror and landed on the shower reminding me I haven't used it in 2 days. I walked over to it and pulled the handle, letting the water run while I undressed.
The hot water washed over my body feeling the tension slowly melt over me. my eyes stayed open as the water streamed down my face, my vision blurred with my mind nowhere to be found. Washing my temple and horribly cut hair, the voices were still there but quieter, and more distant allowing rationality to make its way back into my thoughts.
"I needed this." I breathed.
As I dried myself off I looked into the fogged mirror feeling her still loom over me, I gestured to the door and left to my room, ignoring her and allowing the steam to flow freely through the space.
An hour and a half passed and I had finished styling my hair thanks to one very good youtube tutorial, I stared at the mirror and for the first time I gazed at myself in amazement at what I saw.
A boy.
A smile painted across my face as I was no longer a girl with long, puffy, messy hair but now someone with curly in the front, still dirty and medium lengthen hair and a faint moustache, someone who feels happy with their appearance...
someone who finally feels like a real boy.
Feels though.
After crying tears of happiness for a long...long time I felt my eyelids get heavy. Walking to my bed I jumped onto the mattress and let my eyes rest, "Goodnight" I said snuggling into the blankets, soon drifting off into deep sleep.
okay, so that was chapter 1 of many more( believe me, I wrote this in a book before online(-_-) I need feedback cause I guess this is just a prologue and really feel like I may have exaggerated unnecessarily...
