⁛ Origin Year 137, 32nd of Dal.

About a month ago…

“Is there anything you want to eat?”

“I’m in the mood for ice cream.”

“Ice cream, in this weather?”

He looked up at the bright blue sky.

There wasn’t snow, but the temperature was awfully cold. Both of us had to wear our thick overcoats.

Is there anything wrong with eating ice cream at the end of the winter season?

“Well, if I become cold won’t you warm me up with your hug?”

“Hahaha. That, well…”

He scratched the back of his head with an embarrassed expression.

Seriously, what is with him? We’re going to get married soon and yet he still acts all embarrassed about something like this.

“…Kenji”

“Of course, of course. There aren’t a lot of places that sell ice cream, so should we just stop by the usual?”

There was a store near one of the parks which Kenji and I frequented known for their quick bites. Their two most popular combo items were fish n chips with tartar sauce and vanilla ice cream.

People usually buy one and eat them while taking a nice stroll around the park. A popular food service during dates.

“EunHa.”

“Ahh—”

Kenji fed me one of the fish chips.

The soft-crispy taste accompanied by the tangy tartar was delightful.

“Kenji.”

“Ahh—”

This time, it was Kenji who received a bite of my cup of green tea ice cream.

“How is it?”

“I still prefer yoghurt.”

“Only babies like milk.”

“How is yoghurt related to being a baby?”

He rolled his eyes. I giggled.

“Look, koi.”

“Wow. There are so many of them.”

Colourful koi crowded around the people who were offering them fish feed. Their small, shiny scally bodies reflected the colours of the sky.

Seeing them soaring so freely in the sky, I was reminded of the new technology he was working on.

“Kenji, how is the development of the drones going?”

“The drones? It’s still in the prototype phase. I can’t say for certain that it’s good enough yet. If Yoshida-san and Aoki-san can fix the issue of recyclability, we can make them much more deplorable. Otherwise, the production of it would eat up materials. Why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering how things are moving along. It doesn’t seem like I’m needed in this anymore.”

“EunHa, you’re not unneeded.”

“As in being your wife, that is. But outside that, I’m only a problem magnet.”

“Being a problem is only in your head. I never thought of you in that way.”

“Then please explain to me why I can’t serve in the army any longer?”

I glared at him.

“EunHa…”

Kenji’s expression hardened. He looked like he had bitten a snail… it was kinda cute.

“Alright, alright. I’ll stop it here.”

If I pushed too far, we might actually get into an argument.

“You’re not useless. All those people died, yes. But if not for your contribution, things would’ve been much worse.”

“…”

I’m a pessimist, he’s an optimist. Sometimes I wish I could see the things he sees.

I’m aware of my own self-deprecating tendencies. But what can I do about it when it’s ingrained within me?

If only they were still alive today, then maybe I would be less pessimistic in my thoughts.

People die whenever they’re with me.

I thought I would eventually get used to it but… each death blows out a candle of hope inside me. As more and more deaths pile up, the darkness within my mind spreads. The candle flames were fragile. Hard to light, easy to put out.

“Look.”

“What… umph?!”

“Gotcha.”

He shoved it in my mouth mid-sentence. It was the last piece he had in his hand. He threw the paper bag into one of the trash bins.

“If it burdens you to see people die all the time, then it’s fine if you just stay back in the city. You’ve done more than your fair share of work.”

“My fair share of work huh?”

I’ll be retiring from the army to become a full-time housewife. From there, I’ll be responsible for taking care of five children and…

“Achooo—”

I sneezed. My body trembled.

“You okay?”

“I-I’m fine.”

“This is why you shouldn’t eat ice cream in the cold.”

“Then you shouldn’t have paid for it…”

He took off his scarf and wrapped it around my neck.

“Let’s go somewhere warmer.”

He held my hand.

I felt his warm palm on my cold skin…

“Alright.”

◜\⌝▫◆▫.

We were now inside headquarters.

It was the nearest available facility we could access which had the heater on.

“The ice cream is melting.”

“Here.”

“You don’t want it anymore…”

“Sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have eaten ice cream.”

“I don’t mean you can’t just… nevermind. I’ll help you eat the rest.”

We took a seat in the lounge area, a secret spot out of sight. Kenji finished the ice cream in a few bites and threw the paper cup away.

“Cold?”

“Yeah.”

I was freezing.

“Then it’s time to fulfil my job.”

“Hey. We’re in public you know?”

“We’re getting married, you know?”

I couldn’t answer his retort as I melted into his comfortable embrace.

So warm…

“How long should we stay like this?”

“Until you’re back to normal temperature.”

“What if I don’t return to normal temperature?”

“Then we’ll stay like this.”

“…”

It was a guilty pleasure of mine.

The ice cream wasn’t the main reason I bought it to begin with. Kenji probably knew as much as well. Otherwise, he would’ve seriously disagreed.

As a mutant, I am weak to the cold. My body didn’t regulate heat as well as normal humans. Even things like sake and alcohol don’t help much.

Only by cuddling Kenji would I be lifted from this bitter cold.

I was just about to fall asleep in his arms when I felt a buzz. It was the communication device in Kenji’s pocket.

“What is it?”

“Um… looks like something came up.”

“About?”

“It’s a secret. But I think you can tell from just that much right?”

Yeah. It must have something to do with the wedding. To think they’d use military equipment for personal reasons like this.

“Can you return by yourself?”

“Of course, I can.”

“Great.”

He kissed my forehead.

“…!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“O-Okay.”

He left me after waving goodbye.

I remained unmoving on my seat, feeling the lingering warmth of his burning kiss on my forehead.

Thump. Thump.

My beating heart…

It felt cold.

◜\⌝▫◆▫.

I was infamous as The One Who Heralded Death. Any squad, or platoon I was assigned to dies with me being the only one alive.

So getting rid of me would stop the unnecessary casualties in the army.

For my father, it ensured my safety.

For my brother, it secured his position as the next lieutenant commander.

For XiaoLe, it was a fail-safe in case I turned into a demon.

Most importantly, for me and Kenji, we get to fulfil our lifelong dream of building a family.

It was a win-win situation for everyone—this wedding on the pretence of love which also served as a political getup.

In the short term, it clearly benefited.

But how about the long term?

What would be the effects of my continued existence on those around me?

How can I be certain that I wouldn’t continue to terrorise people that care for me?

I could never stand on my own, always having to rely on the grace of others.

Kenji would not admit it but… I had always been a dead weight tying him down.

Short tempered, weak, emotionally unstable, scared, whiny…

Could he actually stand someone like me in the long run? It was a scary thought.

Only because he promised, he obligated himself to stand by my side.

Even though it was uncertain if our marriage could ever last.

His future life could be ruined by my hands.

I didn’t understand why.

When I was unable to provide the love and care to reciprocate him.

All because of these…

Dark intrusive thoughts.

My self-loathing… if I could stop making things worse with the way I think.

If I could look to the bright side.

Then even if I stopped serving in the army, I could be the wife to coddle him in times of sadness and pain.

I had to get rid of them.

I had to do something about them…

Something to stop all this ridiculous, bleak, inhumane…

The tip of the blade ran down my arm.

I felt the sensation of warm blood trickle down as all thoughts ceased.

Only the feeling of pain and stickiness remained.

I felt calm.

Watching my own blood drop onto the table.

It felt like salvation.

My mind felt clear for once.

And as the minutes passed and blood began to soak my clothes.

The reason why I’m doing this is because I had nothing to do.

Nowhere to go.

So I use my noggin to think.

Because thinking was the only alternative I had to make progress in helping those around me.

Reflection and innovation both begin with an idea.

And ideas are what I need the most.

To get out of this situation I…

I cut myself on the other arm.

Warm blood trickled.

As long as I was in pain, everything ceased. Thoughts stopped bothering me and I felt at peace with myself.

Why not read a book?

Nothing was interesting to read.

Take a walk in the garden?

I didn’t want to meet my father and brother.

Take a nap?

I was scared of waking up.

“EunHa!”

My wrist was grabbed. I turned around and…

“Just… what are you doing?!”

“K-Kenji. I-I can explain…”

…I thought he went back home?

Using his coat as a temporary towel to support my bloody arms, he pulled me to the bathroom.

Running the tap, he forced my arm under the running water.

The searing pain turned into a stabbing one. Blood covered the entire sink, some spilling onto the floor. The relief I felt earlier had now turned into despair.

I troubled him again.

Many trains of thought collided to form complex chain reactions in my mind. The pungent smell of oil and blood spreading everywhere.

My throat seized up. I couldn’t breathe.

“…!”

I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me.

“…!”

My mind registered none of his words.

He grabbed my neck and plunged it into the water.

He smashed my face into the mirror.

He slammed my body against the ground and stomped on my head.

Soldiers died being impaled into the ground by the Deep Ones.

Soldiers died having lost their entire upper body to the jaw of a Smiling Whale.

Soldiers died being torn into pieces by swarming Parasitic Piranhas.

I screamed at the many grotesque images that flashed through my mind.

…Losing myself in the process.

A light found me in the darkness.

The dark veil which covered my view lifted.

With ragged breaths and arms frozen to the side in his tight embrace. A sudden dizzy spell sent me into a daze.

I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom. He held me in his arms.

W-What the hell just happened…

“K-Kenji I…”

“Are you feeling better?”

“I… I…”

“Don’t think.”

He forced his lips on mine. The taste of sour lemon and blood—it was enough to wipe my mind blank.

I had hurt him.

He pulled away.

Tears fell uncontrollably.

He was bleeding.

“Everything is alright—”

“Stop forcing yourself.”

“It’s fine to stop.”

“You’ll be safe.”

“I promise.”

“I’ll protect you.”

He reassured me.

For hours.

Just the two of us.

Until I stopped crying.

◜\⌝▫◆▫.

“Here.”

He handed me a glass of water.

“T-Thank you.”

I received it with shaky hands. Together with the water, I gulped down two pills.

Antidepressants.

I had refused to take them, thinking that I would be fine without them.

But it was a mistake. Look at what I did.

“I’m sorry.”

Kenji apologised.

“W-Why? I-I’m the one at fault.”

“The wedding.”

“U-Uh?”

“I know it’s the reason why you’re like this.”

“…It’s for the best. XiaoLe said that for the world’s sake, we can’t delay…”

“…If you can’t accept the wedding now, I’ll ask them to delay it. Your health is more important to me than… ”

“N-No. We mustn’t delay. It’ll only make me feel worse.”

If we delayed, for how much longer would I have to drag on this anxiety?

“I’m sorry.”

He apologised once more.

“Just a few more days… EunHa.”

Guilt riddled my heart.

“Just a few more days.”

What kind of wife am I?

To worry my future husband like this?

Why can’t I just sit still for a few days?

Why do I have to keep worrying him all the time?

When will the nightmare stop?

“EunHa. You’re strong.”

He held my hand.

I could feel it.

His trembling fingers.

He was scared too.

Of what our wedding entailed.

“We can do this.”

Tears choked up in my eyes.

We can do this.

We must…

“Do you remember what I promised you?”

Yes.

“No matter what, I will protect you.”

Fate… was cruel.

“EunHa.”

Kenji.

“Don’t forsake yourself.”

I’m sorry.

“I need you.”

For leaving you.

“I love you.”

¸☆▫.-⌎.- ▫☆\*: .｡ _ ▫.｡.:*

⁛ Origin Year 138, 18th of Hana.

There were tears in my eyes.

“Uwa! Ms. Lili! She’s crying! What should I do?!”

I lost myself in my thoughts telling Rize-chan about my past.

Well, I was bound to recall these things if I reveal too much about myself. I should’ve kept silent to begin with.

Hold on, what were we talking about again?

In my confusion, I heard another voice. She wiped the tears from my face.

“Ms. EunHa.”

A mother-like woman with a compassionate appearance, dark blue hair and eyes resembling that of coral—Staff Sergeant Chu Lili. I almost didn’t notice her.

“It must be hard living with Rize-chan like this so… please bear with it a little longer.”

“What?! EunHa. Tell her how much of a good girl I’ve been to you.”

“Rize-chan, that’s blackmail.”

What… was she trying to say? Bear with it a little longer?

Really, I…

“Can’t… can’t I just die already?”

It was already the fourth day. Three more days until the deadline. My will was crumbling, my mental state deteriorating.

Closer, step by step.

Treading towards the edge of my life. My body trembled at the thought of death…I don’t want to die.

“It’s a little late, but how about lunch? First Sergeant Hai wishes to talk to you.”

She flashed a bitter smile. Her kindness was warm.

I didn’t think I’d feel this emotion again.

.- ▫☆\*: .｡ _ ▫.｡.:*☆▫.-⌎

Staff Sergeant Chu Lili, the only other officer who often drops by my room to check on my condition besides Rize-chan.

Gunnery Sergeant Shun Kato, a quiet sergeant who rarely speaks; and Sergeant Shang MinHa, an officer with a large build and tiny eyes. I never got to know them, so much of their personality remained unknown to me.

Vice Admiral Chen QiangWei, the bridge between their squad and connections to the navy. His fleet had been in charge of bringing me to Fortress 13.

Tatsuki Rize, no rank, hailed as the Black Siren. Besides the fact that she was moderately infuriating, she held an important miscellaneous HR position in the squad. She had never once left my side ever since I got injured during the fight two days ago.

Last but not least, First Sergeant Hai Aki, the team leader.

Key members of the squad were all present here in this one room.

“What do you think?”

“Passable.”

Rize-chan gave her critique to the food Sergeant Shang prepared for this luncheon.

“Did you prepare dessert?”

Rize-chan asked.

“I have. Gelato.”

“You’ve grown so much.”

“Thank you. It’s an honour to receive your praise master.”

I observed as Rize-chan wiped a fake tear to Sergeant Shang’s fake salute. I was speechless.

“Don’t mind them. That’s just how things work around here.”

Ms. Chu told me from the side. I nodded.

I felt antsy as nothing noteworthy was mentioned during the course of the meal, until…

“Rize-chan, can you tell the chef to get the dessert.”

First Sergeant Hai said. Rize-chan looked at him confused.

“What—I thought Mr. Shang was…”

“Do it.”

“But why?”

“The chef wants to see you.”

Mr. Shang said, adding upon First Sergeant’s claim.

“Really?”

“Yes. Because there’s some finishing touches I couldn’t decide on.”

“Heehh… is that so?”

“Yes. that is correct.”

“…Hm. You better not be lying.”

She complained comically then went out of the room. There was a moment of silence, then someone got up and checked the door where she left.

“She’s not standing listening outside right?”

“Nope, the coast is clear.”

“Kato-san, go double-check.”

“Do I really need to?”

“It’s clear, it’s clear. Are my testimonies that untrustworthy?”

Confirming Rize-chan’s absence, they all breathed out a deep sigh.

…What the hell is going on?

“She can be a troublemaker sometimes. Let me apologise on her behalf.”

First Sergeant Hai said, lowering his head.

I nodded slightly in response. I was unsure what kind of response I should give at this moment, so I said nothing. His apology took me by surprise.

“We never got to listen to your side of the story.”

He continued.

“Why exactly did you hurt your fiance? How did you end up in this situation?”

Why? How? It seems I have a need to explain myself not only to Rize-chan, but the others too. Seriously, these people…

I opened my mouth to speak.

“Is there any other reason to do so except to die?”

My answer elicited various reactions. Shock, disgust, confusion, worry… First Sergeant Hai merely steeled his cold gaze.

There had been a vague sense that nobody took my death seriously. Alas, it seems they were in cahoots all along.

“Let me repeat my question. Do you really think you’re the cause of the people’s deaths?”

Do I think?

No. It’s not ‘do I think’.

It is a ‘fact’.

I can understand why they would doubt the superstitious claims that brought me in for death. Even I denied it for years. It can’t be helped if they still doubted me.

“I wish it was a lie.”

I really wish it was.

“If I continue existing, the world will end.”

Don’t I sound like an irrational person whose wish was to die? Of course, I do.

Only a depressed lunatic would think of something so crazy.

Oh, right. I am depressed.

“Hey.”

In a harsh voice, Vice Admiral Chen called me. He leaned against the table with one hand propped against his chin and stared at me with furious eyes.

“Just admit it if it’s some political problem. You don’t need to put up an act like this. If we seriously try, we can save you.”

I tried to speak, wanting to clear the misunderstanding. But a lump in my throat held my voice back.

What’s the point?

Alternating thoughts, the turmoil in my mind—in the end, I couldn’t even give them the proper explanation they wanted one. It would be too complicated to explain everything from A to Z, and I would only cause more trouble to everyone if they knew the truth.

“Sergeant Hai asked you for an explanation. Stop being such a stubborn brat and answer his question.”

“Cut it out Mr. Chen.”

Ms. Chu glared at him. He clicked his tongue.

“Seriously, if you wish to die so badly, why didn’t you do it earlier huh? Rize broke her right arm for you, and all you’re going to say is ‘You want to die’? Give me a break.”

What? She broke her right arm?

I then remembered that she smashed the Bloodfin Orca with her fist. A grimace naturally formed on my face.

“Chen QiangWei. Enough.”

First Sergeant interrupted, cutting in between the argument.

Vice Admiral Chen suddenly rose from his seat and leaned against a wall far from where I sat. He was probably disgusted by me.

A sigh was heard from elsewhere.

First Sergeant turned to me.

“This goes against the order, but it’s what we as a collective have decided after gathering opinions. Think about it properly. If in three days, you still feel that you should end your life, we’ll respect the decision.”

Three more days…

“You’ll be put to sleep so that you wouldn’t feel anything. It’ll be painless.”

There’s that option too, wasn’t there? No need for any flashy methods of killing, or the need for someone to point a gun at my head. An overdose of anaesthetic drugs was enough to end my life.

I won’t need so much courage to die if I use a method like this.

It’s fine.

“However, if you realise that you wish for another chance, we’ll do everything in our power to protect you.”

Protect me even though I’m a criminal? The thought of it made my chest hurt. If someone outside of the squad found out about this, they would be accused of complicity. I can’t risk ruining the image of their squad just because I didn’t have enough resolve to die.

“Don’t tell Rize-chan about this. If she knew, it would be difficult for us to proceed with this.”

Because she opposes my death… I know.

Still, why do that after spitting all that bullshit about killing me when we first met? It’s so funny.

Seriously. It’s so funny… why would anyone go so far for a sinner like me?

“Staff Sergeant Chu and I will step in.”

Vice Admiral Chen followed up.

“You won’t be seeing Rize-chan after this. Ms. Chu will take her position as your guardian.”

“I’m not as free and easy as Rize-chan, so I will be unable to accompany you wherever you wish to. However, don’t hesitate to consult me if you need anything.”

Rize-chan will be gone from now on. Okay.

The unusual thought of if I will ever meet her again before my death crossed my mind. I hope to wish her goodbye at least.

“Do you have anything to add?”

No. This is good.

Now that Rize-chan is gone, I have the freedom to kill myself earlier or later. Maybe tonight, I’ll do it.

“Thank you.”

I said, lowering my head.

“Crazy.”

Vice Admiral Chen clicked his tongue.

“Don’t break the news to Rize-chan, we’ll let her know about this in stages.”

First Sergeant warned.

Snap. Snap.

“Same goes for you, Cinnamon. Don’t tell Rize what we said.”

Snap. Snap.

When did Cinnamon become a part of this discussion?

“That’s all we have to say. Now, back to the original question regarding why you came to the conclusion of your death. No matter how much we thought about it, we can’t seem to find an explanation as to why you would do something like this.”

“That… I…”

The words failed to leave me, because…

All it took was a brief slip in my composure, falling complacent and desiring that everything be alright if I just told them…

A reminder of the many deaths I caused.

Because feelings of hope like this sparked disaster every time.

I don’t want anyone else to die.

A dark emotion engulfed me.

I put my hands together and closed my eyes.

No, please. Don’t please…

God…

Save them. Protect them.

Promise me nothing more will happen before I die… when the sincere prayer left my mouth, an ominous sensation chilled my spine.

It was too late.

Rize-chan suddenly burst into the hall with a cart of gelato pudding.

“Ta-da! Dessert is here… ah!? EunHa?!”

I was crying. The tears couldn’t stop. Ms. Chu was comforting me and I didn’t even know it.

What happened?

I don’t know… I really don’t know.