I knew that soft, understanding voice.

“What are you doing here, Conor?” My voice trembled. Conor seeing me like this was the worst-case scenario. Not only did I yell and threaten Leo to stop the car, but now my behavior also kept Conor from meeting up with one of his friends.

I wanted to run, not home or to my room, no. Just run, shut off my brain, and never think about this or anything again. Because without my brain, I wouldn’t be here. I tensed my calves muscles to get up. But my legs refused to budge. I pushed my left arm into the ground, but it gave in. I couldn’t even lift my ass half an inch off the ground.

Great. Now even my body has failed me.

“Why couldn’t you just have a good time with the others?” I wanted to yell, but the sounds that left my mouth broke as if I was twelve again. “I’ll manage. Can’t you see that? I have always managed somehow!”

Conor lifted his hand off my right shoulder but, after reconsideration, put it back, almost as if he wanted to make sure I couldn’t make a run for it.

So, in an attempt to hide my face as if it would undo my outburst, I shoved my head between my legs and pressed my eyes as close together as nature allowed.

Breathing.

Yeah.

One breath after the other.

My heart pounded as if I was being chased by a wolf.

Conor’s feet slipped across the gravel, causing several pebbles to clack against each other.

The sound of the pebbles made me open my eyes.

Right in front of my feet was a tiny plant with a spike in a light shade of purple. It shivered in the wind that blew around my legs as if it was afraid I would crush it. And… I almost had. I pulled my legs in closer to get them away from the plant, causing more pebbles to clatter.

And for a second, everything felt too real.

“Why didn’t you go see Milo?” I asked again to fill the silence.

But Conor didn’t answer, not right away. I wanted to be mad at that, but I couldn’t. Because the warmth that radiated from his hand rippled through my whole body.

“When I visited them in December,” he explained slowly, “I stayed at Will and Leo’s place. But we met up with Milo almost every day, and when I had to go home again, the three of them brought me to the airport. As we said goodbye, we knew we wouldn’t see each other in person, at least until the summer. But then I met you.”

But… it’s not summer yet.

“Do you get it? There was no reason for me to be here but for you. And that’s also why I didn’t go see Milo." With some regained courage, he added, “I’m not about to abandon you when you clearly struggle with all this pressure.”

His warm hand rushed down my chest as he wrapped me in a hug. His chin found its way onto my collarbone.

And as if he was unsure that his being with me was acceptable for me, “Is that okay?” His mouth was so close to my ear that even though he was whispering, I could hear him loud and clear. “Can I keep hugging you, or do you want me to let go?”

Why is he still so kind to me, even when I keep slipping up, ruining his day, week, month, year, and life?

“Please…” I collapsed like a house of cards. I clung to his arms to keep from sinking into the ground, risking smashing the tiny plant, and whispered, “…don’t let go of me.”

The softness of his head leaning on mine gave me some comfort.

“I won’t.”

Conor’s breath caressed my hair, and for a while, there was nothing but that—just slow strokes of air gushing at my head like waves.

“I want you to know that you can tell me everything,” he kept whispering—as if it wasn’t me who was afraid but him. “Yet you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

I peeked through the opening between my legs. The sun had started to set, painting the sky in petrol and some clouds in a dreamy pink.

“No matter what, I will be here.”

I took a deep breath. Why does stuff like this have to be so hard every time? Why is it even harder to tell the people that care about us what’s going on inside us? This is Conor, dammit.

“I think I missed my chance,” I blurted out in an attempt to get it over with. “Of making things right again.”

“Why is that?”

“Because every time I imagine apologizing to the guys for what I did, it just feels phony! As if the others would think that I would only do it to feel better!”

“Do you honestly think Leo and Will would have stayed friends if they thought so?”

“Maybe not. But I know it’s a fact with Milo.”

The wind caused us to move slightly.

“I haven’t seen Milo or talked to him for over a year,” I confessed. “I texted him after Leo told me about his parent’s divorce. Just wanted to reach out. See if he would be up to meeting with me. To hang out or whatever. But he replied that he couldn’t trust me anymore and thought it would be better if we went our separate ways.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be. It’s my own fault. There is no one else to blame.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when we set up the plans with them?”

“I thought Milo and I somehow would manage to just get along with you around.”

“But?”

“There is no—“

“If there wasn’t a 'but,' you could have just followed through with what you just told me. So what happened?"

“Nothing,” I lied.

”Are you sure it wasn’t Milo you were talking about earlier when you said you were afraid someone could talk me out of being with you?”

“It’s probably too late to deny that, huh?” I laughed as if making jokes about it would get me out of telling him.

My lower lip trembled.

“He wrote to me earlier today. After all this time. Didn’t even say hello or anything. Just—“ I gasped. “He asked why you were staying at my place. And said I better not hurt you again. Or he will come for me.”

The forest was quiet, and as everything was turning more purple by the second, thanks to the setting sun, all of this felt surreal.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. Please don’t judge him. I think he’s just looking out for you.”

Somewhere in the forest, a car roared like a lion, and I pressed my face into Conor’s forearm, just in case so that no one could see my face if they decided to drive past us.

I’m such a coward. I always thought that I was supposed to be this strong independent guy with the need to mark my dominance wherever I go. But this here, hiding my face from everyone, this is the real me.

“Thank you for telling me. It makes it easier to understand why you were so worked up about everything today.”

“I’m sorry I mess things up all the time. For the last three months, I have been trying so hard to get a grip on myself. Because… it’s you. I really want to be a better person… for you. But… you haven’t even been here for four hours, and I’m already such a mess.”

“You are… quite a mess, that is true. But you’re not hopeless as long as you stop focusing so much on the past or some unforeseeable future.”

“But what if Milo made you choose between me and him?”

“What if he doesn’t? What if everything worked out? What if you apologize to him and Leo and Will, and then we tell them how we feel for each other, and they will be happy for us?”

“That sounds like a fairytale.”

“It’s just as possible as whatever horror scenario you are imagining right now.”

I hate that what he says always makes so much sense. And I love it at the same time.

“Believe me. You don’t need to worry about him. He won’t talk me out of being with you. Even if he would try, in the end, it’s not his decision.”

The roaring car scorched over the road next to us, not caring if we or someone else got hurt if they drifted off the asphalt. Its suction pulled us toward it slightly, but we held onto each other so it could not tip us off. We both stared into a black Bugatti's red backlights.

“Maybe we should move away from the street a bit,” Conor said, and I agreed. But instead of letting me go and getting up, he started to slide to the right, pulling me with him without releasing me from the hug.

“Careful,” I said and pushed my legs into the air to avoid crushing the purple plant. I pointed toward it because what I did with my legs must have been awkward to look at.

Conor helped me get closer to the trees. He leaned himself on an oak tree and pushed his legs past me so we both sat on the ground as if he just had pulled me out of a burning car.

I couldn’t stop thinking about his words. He could be right. There is a chance that everything will turn out well. And I want that—not only for me but for him. He deserves it. And even more.

“I think we should go on a date,” I said. “A real one, not just like the online ones we had for the last months.”

“I would like that a lot.”

“Anything you want to do?”

“Well, Uhm, yeah. But it’s strange.”

“It can’t be stranger than this day.”

“I’d like to visit… your school. To see where you spend all of your days.”

“For real? There is no way we will be able to get into the building. But I could show you the football field.”

“That sounds awesome.”

“Okay, so tomorrow after work, I’ll take you on a date to my school,” I tried to say as cheerfully as possible.

But… man, that sounds lame. More lame than I thought it would sound. Why my school? Just to see where I spend my days?

“You really are strange too from time to time, you know?”

“Am I that?”

And as I stared into his smiling face, I knew I should come up with something to make our date exciting. To surprise him. With something he wouldn’t expect from a date at my school. Maybe…a picnic? Yeah, as if that’s not a generic idea! Shit, I better come up with something quickly.

“Lucky for you that I like the strange Conor.”

“Do you, huh?”

“I do.”

And I never want to be without you again. I truly wish we could make this official.

Wait… what if we did?

What if I just ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend?

I wiggled myself out of his hug and got up. This idea made me want to get on my feet because this would be the right step. That’s what makes an awkward date idea like this super memorable. And if he says yes, it will be so much easier to tackle Milo and the others!

“Conor, I… Thank you for staying with me. Not just now but for the last three months. You are amazing. And I don’t know how I deserve you.”

I reached my hand toward Conor to help him up, and with a smile, he threw his hand into mine.

“You know, you are amazing too, do you? What you’re going through right now is hard. Confronting all this stuff, I’m proud you have the guts to do that because many people would run.”

“You mean like I literally ran from meeting Milo twenty minutes ago?”

“True, but only because you had to confront something else inside you first. And I guess you’re ready for stage two now.”

It won’t be easy. But I can. With Conor’s help. I slowly nodded.

“I think I am.”

“Home?”

“Home.”

“And then I set up something with Milo. Maybe just him and me.” Even though I still dread it. But I have to. I have to, I have to if I want this to work out.

Just like Conor's words lifted me up, I did the same for him, only physically.

I brushed the specks of dirt off the back of my pants, and Conor did the same, constantly glancing at me. A salacious grin spread across his face as our eyes met.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing!”

“Yeah, of course. I saw you staring!"

“I just enjoyed the view.” Conor laughed, and all the trouble I had in the last hour seemed to vanish.

I can't get enough of his laugh.

“Don’t let the intrusive thoughts win, Conor.”

“They aren’t intrusive. They are dirty.”

I felt a rush of blood through my body as we started walking toward our house. We walked silently for a couple of minutes. But it was a pleasant silence, one that you can only find between people who are truly comfortable with one another and who don’t need to talk all the time. And my thoughts were racing. What is the right way to ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend?