I couldn’t stop smiling.

Conor Hart is my boyfriend.

I closed my locker as gently as I had never done before. The blue of the lockers matched perfectly with Conor’s blue shirt as he leaned against them as if he had always belonged there. As if fate initially planned that he should have stayed here, gone to the same school as me, should have been playing alongside me on the football team, and, regardless of everything, still fallen in love with me. How amazing would it be if he attended this school for real next year?

We went for another kiss—the first one as official boyfriends. This one felt even better than all the ones we had before.

“Can I…,” I started and, without thinking, pressed my back into the locker next to him, pulled my phone out of my jeans, opened the camera app with a slight swipe to the left, and positioned it in front of us. Conor laughed as the screen reflected our mirrored image back at us. He brushed some hair out of his face, and I pressed the red button without waiting until he was done.

The screen lit up in a bright white, leaving me blind for a split second in the dim hallway.

“I wasn’t ready,” protested Conor and snatched the phone out of my hand to look at the result. The left half of his face was hidden by his overexposed hand, and his right eye, though in the picture, was closed.

“That was just a test shot,” I defended myself as I held it up again so we could position ourselves in the frame. I rested my head on his shoulder so we were level and took another picture.

Conor’s smile lit up the corridor more than the white screen or the ceiling lights could if someone would turn them on.

“We have to do one more,” I said as the picture showed up on the screen and turned out to be hyper-cute (primarily because of Conor’s loving smile). “This was the shot I was originally aiming for.”

And without warning him, I kissed him on the mouth, pressed the button, and the white lightning engraved our kiss onto the screen, holding this moment forever.

Conor’s laugh ended up right in my mouth.

“I always knew you had your own dirty little thoughts,” he chuckled.

“Says the guy who wanted to make out in school right next to my locker!”

“Maybe I’m more badass than you thought.”

“Explain to me again, what is dirty now about the kiss I gave you but not the ones you gave me?”

“It’s what the kisses lead to, my friend.”

“…boyfriend, please.”

“If you say so… boyfriend.”

We put our heads together to admire the picture again. I silently decided that these were supposed to be the first of a whole series about him and me—because I want to remember every single thing we did together and never forget how lucky I am for having him in my life.

A loud rumbling of a door being opened made us both look up.

“Boys?” Mrs. Damaris’ voice echoed toward us from afar.

“Better get down there before Mr. Damaris kicks me off the team,” I whispered, even though there wasn’t any need for it.

A final kiss sealed what had just happened away, never to be revealed to anyone before we ran down to the back door not to keep Mr. Damaris waiting for too long.

“So, how do you like it?” she asked as soon as we arrived at the court where we entered. Conor and I looked at each other, a bit puzzled.

Did she somehow know what we had just done? Did she see us?

Conor glanced at me, grasping what she was talking about way faster than me.

“The building is imposing. And you also have quite some amazing rooms for the art department.”

“Oh no, no, no. Don’t forget about our deal! If you decide to transfer here, you must show me your linebacker qualities! No theater stuff before that!”

“I can’t wait for it,” Conor laughed, and I couldn't help but still be flashed by how matey those two interacted after this short time.

“I hope Asher also told you about our fitness center at the back of our gym.”

“He did,” Conor answered, glancing at me before replying to Mrs. Damaris with a smile. “Thanks for letting us in.”

“You’re welcome.” And her friendly attitude dropped again as she turned toward me. “But don’t tell anyone I allowed this, or I’ll make what we discussed earlier a reality.”

Allow is a fascinating word since it was she who suggested letting us inside.

“I’m not that dumb,” I answered. I also wouldn’t want to lose her as a coach, and chances are she would get into as much trouble as I would, if not more. And she is practically the reason why this school's football team is winning nearly every game.

—

I still couldn’t stop smiling while Conor and I walked back to the car without talking. The warmth of the sun on my skin was nothing compared to the warmth I felt in my heart right now.

I just made out with a guy in my school. And not just any guy.

My boyfriend. Conor is my boyfriend now.

This is so wild.

I would have laughed if someone had told me that a year ago. Or I probably would have gotten so angry that I would have beaten the shit out of them.

But now, I just feel… relaxed? Happy? Yeah, that’s the right word.

I feel so happy that I want to tell the whole world.

I stopped walking. Conor took two more steps before turning around and scanning my face for the reason why I came to a halt.

Do I really want to tell the whole world? I mean, the entire world is a lot of people. And that would include my family, teammates, friends, and even Milo.

But that’s what I swore I would do now.

“What is it?” Conor asked.

“I think I want to apologize to… some people.”

—

The sun had started to set, and Mom had already had the lights in the kitchen turned on. Apparently, it was her turn to cook today. We could spot her through the window, and as she noticed us, her welcoming smile warmed our hearts.

I held the door open for Conor as we walked back into the house. I threw Mom’s keys back into the small dark wooden bowl in the entrance room that waited for all the family’s keys on a white sideboard to the left. The open casing revealed her spinning a spoon through some dark meat in a wok.

“Thanks for lending me your car,” I cheered as I almost lost my balance while slipping off my shoes. But Conor had already grabbed my shoulder, so I wouldn’t.

“You’re welcome, hun. How was your day?”

And the beam on my face got even broader.

“Good,” I replied. “Better than good. Actually, it was quite memorable.”

Conor wasn’t as stupid as me to just slip out of his shoes. He used the small bench next to the sideboard for what it was built for and sat down to untie his shoelaces first.

“Sounds like you two had a blast.” Mom sang, accompanied by the wooden spoon banging against the wok as if it was a drum.

“Do you know where Aj is?”

I wanted to keep my promise to Conor. Apologize to everyone. And I thought, why not work my way backward? Start with Aj, as kicking him was the latest incident.

But my courage faded fast as Mom’s face immediately turned to worry when I asked that.

“Probably in his room,” she answered my question louder than necessary as the meat hissed in the heated oil. “But be nice to him. He is still pretty upset about this morning.”

“I’m always trying to be nice.”

“I know. It just doesn't always come across that way.”

Of course, it doesn’t come across as me being nice when I walk in here, smiling from ear to ear, calmly asking where I could find my brother.

“Mom!”

“What? I’m just being honest with you!”

“Can you please just… not?”

Reactions like this are why I’m so afraid to apologize for things I've done in the past.

Mom poked the spoon into the meat, almost as if she wanted to make sure that whatever we were eating was definitely dead.

“Why are you always so aggressive, Asher?”

“Because nobody seems to fucking take me seriously! Except for Conor!” Great. There was my anger again. How am I supposed to apologize now, honestly? ”Fuck this shit.”

I shouldn’t have yelled at her. But it was too late to take that back, and I was too inside my head to do anything about it. So I turned around and stomped toward the staircase. Mom smashed the spoon into the pan, and the whole counter vibrated as if we had just been hit by an earthquake.

“No, Asher, just no. You are not allowed to use these words in my house. I genuinely thought you would behave at least a little with your friend staying at our place! But I guess I was wrong.”

I tried so diligently to be calm during the last months, and they didn’t even notice. Not even when I just had one of the best days of my life and finally found the strength to confront some of those demons inside me.

I have to breathe. I don’t want to scream at her, not in front of Conor or ever again, if I want to get a grip on this stuff.

All my muscles tensed up. I knew that if I looked into her eyes, I wouldn’t be able to control myself anymore and would bawl her and everyone in the house down. So I stayed with my back to her.

“Do you know why I asked you where Aj was?” I asked, crunching my teeth.

“Please, I’m dying to know,” she mocked me. But I couldn’t blame her. I was the one who yelled first.

I took a slow deep breath to keep my mind at ease. “Because I wanted to apologize for kicking him this morning, like, properly.”

I could hear her inhaling to say something but stopped before the words left her mouth.

“You wanna know why I am always so angry?” I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible. But breathing slowly was more difficult than expected. “Because no one in this house gives a shit about how I feel. I can’t even ask where my brother is without someone lecturing me on how to be nice to him. It seems like everyone just always assumes I’m about to do something stupid or hurt someone. I can fucking try to be a good person, and no one even notices.”

“Hun, I’m sorry.” Her voice was filled with sorrow.

“Me too. But no one seems to fu… believe me.”

I stepped onto the staircase, pretending that everything was fine, trying to keep my face hidden, so she couldn’t see how clenched it was.

“Asher…” Mom said, her voice shaking. But I couldn’t keep talking to her if I didn’t want her to see how fucked up I was.

“Thanks again for lending me your car.”

I took one step after another as long as I was in sight, holding my body as upright as I could. But as soon as I turned around the corner, I took three steps at a time.

Get up there. Calm down. That was my goal for now because I couldn’t think clearly. I didn’t know what to do or say to make things better. I only managed to make things deteriorate somehow, even when the opposite was my goal. Fuck. It was difficult to keep my balance with the speed I gained, but I somehow got into my room. I threw the door behind me, sprinted into my bathroom, and locked it up. I rammed my head into the beige tiles on the back wall.

“Fuck!”

All I wanted was to say sorry to Aj. But of course, I couldn’t even do that.

I clenched my fist, ready to punch it against the wall too, but… I didn’t.

How am I supposed to apologize for the even bigger shit I did to the others? How do other people manage to do it? Why is life so fucking easy for everyone else?