The first thing I heard when we came close to Tristan’s house again was the muffled sound of a cheering crowd through the closed entrance door. The kitchen lights that fell out of the windows onto their front yard almost seemed to be dancing, thanks to all the people throwing their arms over their heads. Another cheer. Even more enthusiastic than the previous one. Maybe they were watching the videos of my outburst and turned it into a drinking game. I searched for Milo’s face, but he was focused on his phone, typing a message.

“You’re ready to apologize?” he asked without looking up.

“Yeah.”

It was now or never.

We reached the porch, and Milo stepped on it first, already ringing the doorbell while I still tried to wrap my head around what to say to all the people I had to talk to now—Tristan, Conor, Leo, Will, probably even Sari and a handful of people that got sucked into all this mess by accident. If only I could remember all of their faces.

Milo ran his fingers over the doorbell again.

“I think I should go first,” I said, pointing in front of him. He glanced at me and then back at another incoming message.

“Sounds about right,” Milo replied and stepped to the side. And here I was again, waiting. I hate waiting. Still. Because then my mind has time again to think about what might go wrong. Why can’t someone just open that damn door and let me apologize already? I closed my eyes to brace myself. I can do this. I did it with Milo. Therefore, I can do it with everyone.

A clicking sound, followed by the music hitting me like a tornado, made me open my eyes.

Tristan hid his body behind the door, only sticking his head out for now. His eyes wandered from me to Milo, standing behind me like a parole officer, and then to the bandage around my hand. I could feel the blood pulsating through the cut. Almost as if it gave him some sort of relief that, in the end, I was the one physically hurt, Tristan let out a deep breath.

“He finally calmed down?” he asked Milo as if I wasn’t standing right next to him.

Milo nodded, and as Tristan got the reaction he wanted, he fully opened the door.

“Look, before you say anything,” I said, “I’m sorry, I turned ballistic on you and your friend.”

“Yeah, thanks to Rocky here,” he pointed at Milo, “we’re all good. And I doubt that Sari will even remember you.”

“She has enough videos to remember me by,” I joked as if anything of this was funny.

“Yeah, you would think. But there aren’t any.”

A giant WHAT was written all over my face.

“See for yourself.”

He nodded for us to come inside, and as we walked down the entranceway, he pointed into the kitchen. Sari was sunken into a deep make-out session with the girl in the Nirvana shirt. A crowd watching and filming this cheered again.

Everyone seemed to have already forgotten what had happened earlier.

“Sari made everyone delete whatever they had captured and gave a lengthy speech about how shitty it would be to ruin someone's life over some drunken misunderstanding. And then she started… this.” He sighed. “A fight would have been such good content. You owe me a fight, Ash!”

I didn’t know what to think of it. Why did she do that? Maybe she had no ulterior motives when she offered to talk and listen?

“So, you actually are dating someone?” Tristan’s eyes were on the floor as he leaned closer to hear my answer.

I peeked at Milo, who observed the conversation carefully and slightly nodded to tell me that I should just go for it. I took a deep breath.

“Yes.”

“You dog!” He nudged my shoulder as if nothing ever happened and we were best bros again. “Who is she?”

I shook my head. “It’s he.”

Tristan burst into laughter as if I had made a joke, but his eyes got bigger when he realized I was serious.

“Him? As in Milo?” Tristan pointed at Milo, who made a face as if this was the most outrageous insult he had ever heard.

“No, no! Not him. But… it’s a guy!”

“Then why did you say it was he?”

“Because you used the wrong… ugh… I’m dating Conor, dammit!”

The following awkward silence between us got even more cringe-worthy as the crowd cheered again when Sari wrapped her legs around that other girl.

“Well, good for you.” Tristan slapped his hand onto my shoulder and then escaped into the kitchen to take some pictures as well.

Milo and I stood there for a moment and didn’t know what to think of any of this until he nodded toward the back to show me I should start looking for Conor and the others.

I got my legs moving and headed straight for the couch, where they sat when we left. But they weren’t around anymore. My steps got faster as I started walking down the living room, searching the crowd. Nothing. Back to the kitchen. I stretched my head as high as possible but couldn’t see Conor, Will, or Leo anywhere. Instead, I just noticed a lot of people eying me, their smartphones ready in their hands, just in case I was about to do something again.

But honestly? I didn’t have time to worry about them. I was much more concerned that Conor was nowhere to be found. Did he leave? Did I accomplish what I was so afraid of at last?

I rushed through the corridor. Two blonde girls, who laughed at something on their phones, made room for me to pass as soon as they noticed me. He has to be somewhere around here. Milo texted them that we would be back after all.

I felt a tap on my back. Milo, who had followed me closely for the last few minutes, pointed to the backyard. Next to the table with all the presents was a glass door through which I could spot some loosely arranged white lawn chairs. Conor sat bent forward on the chair, with Will next to him, patting his back, and Leo walking up and down the lawn.

Seeing him like this made my stomach turn. I made him cry.

Before I knew it, I flipped the handle and shoved the door open. And the sound of it made Leo and Will look at me.

“Hey,” I said, but not to them. The only person I wanted to talk to right now was Conor.

Leo almost bolted in front of Conor and Will but immediately dropped the attack mode when Milo announced, "It’s okay.”

Without waiting for anything, I walked toward Conor and squatted in front of him so my head was level with his. Conor looked up, and I saw his red eyes hiding behind his glasses.

Why did I have to make him cry? I never want to do anything again that makes him feel like this.

I had so many things I wanted to say. To him, to the others. But all I could think about was that even when Conor had kept from me that he had a boyfriend when we met, there had to be a reason why he didn’t tell me. And it wouldn’t be a dishonest one. Conor wouldn’t do such a thing.

“Ash, I’m sorry—“

“No, it’s not your fault.”

I wrapped my arms around him and pressed him as close to me as possible. I wanted to show him that whatever may happen, this—us—will still be a thing after that conversation if he wants that too.

“I’m sorry I caused such a commotion again,” I whispered.

“But it is my fault,” he silently replied, his voice shaking. “Because I couldn’t bring up the courage…” Tears ran down his cheeks. “Please don’t leave me.”

And as he cried, I had a hard time holding back tears myself too.

“I won’t. Not again. I’m done running, Conor. I want to work on myself to be better. I’m sorry that this time I was a coward. I want to be your boyfriend. And I want to love you in the way that you deserve.”

“I want to do the same for you.”

“You already are. We wouldn’t be here right now if it weren't for you.”

We pressed our foreheads against each other and, before we knew it, met in a kiss—followed by the loudest gasp ever made in human history.

“What the fuck is happening?” Leo yelled.

“They're in love, stupid,” Will answered in a tone that gave away that he was mad that Leo interrupted us. Because now they couldn’t watch anymore.

“How do you know?”

“I have eyes and a brain.”

“Guys, let’s give them some privacy,” Milo replied. I heard him shove the door to the living room open. All three of them walked inside, and even though I didn’t see it, I sensed Will glaring at Leo. When we were finally alone, we separated our mouths and just existed. Arm in arm, consoling each other about something that should never have become a problem.

As I felt his warmth, I knew that whatever would happen, we would be able to work through this together. And I sensed that we both wanted to speak, but the fear that words could take this moment away from us was stout, even though it was inevitable.

“I have to know, Conor. My brain is making up all these stupid stories about you and—What was Leo talking about?”

“I’m not seeing anyone else,” he said, avoiding my eyes as he spoke. “I would never do something like that. Please believe me.”

“I do.” I nodded and tried to smile to show him that I meant that.

“I had something like a boyfriend in LA. He wasn’t. He made it quite clear that he didn’t want to be in a relationship from the beginning, but I still referred to him as that when talking to the guys. Because this way, it was just easier to describe. His name was Kyle. He’s the guy I… you know…. What we had was secret, because he was scared. And shortly before Christmas, he said that he was never gay and just… confused. Of course, I told the others when I came here during winter because I was heartbroken. But then I met you at the airport. And when we got closer, it just seemed like fate—as if Kyle also had to happen for me to be with you.”

I rested my head on his lap and, without wanting to, had to laugh.

“Thank goodness I didn’t break you guys up.”

“That’s what you thought?”

“One of the things my brain made up….”

“No, you didn’t break us up. Kyle managed to do that himself— I’m sorry I kept that a secret. I didn’t want to confuse you. And… who am I kidding? I was so scared to lose you again. Losing him was difficult, yes. But losing you a second time would have killed me.”

“You won’t lose me again. You’re my boyfriend now, and I will stay with you from now on. Forever.”

I caressed his cheek with my bandaged hand, which he straight away grabbed to examine.

“What happened?”

“Don’t worry about it. Milo took better care of me than any doctor I ever visited.”

I kissed him again, and we suddenly both had to laugh.

“Was that the last secret, Conor?”

“I guess so.”

It felt liberating to have everything out there now—to know that my brain literally just had made up stuff and that talking about it is a solution.

Just as we were about to engage in another kiss, the door to the living room got jacked open. And the protest of Milo and Will was instantly audible. Nevertheless, Tristan pushed his head out.

“Hey, lover boys. I’m about to open the presents and need as many people in the background as possible.”

Before we could say anything, he was gone. I smiled at Conor, and he nodded that we should go inside. But I shook my head. I’m not stepping inside without another kiss. So I leaned in and pressed my mouth into his.

“They really are kissing. I can’t believe it,” I heard Leo uttering.

“Stop watching,” Will exclaimed.

“I’m observing! It’s like studying wildlife!”

Conor and I laughed as we got up and walked to the door. I took a step to the left to let Conor go first. As soon as his body was in the doorframe, he held his hand wide open toward me.

“Do you want to?”

I took a deep breath. It was time to be open about it. Anyone at the party has seen what happened through the windows anyway. I put my hand in his, and as we walked in, I felt a rush of happiness I had never felt before.

—

Conor and I waved at Milo, who had insisted on driving us to my place. I still held Conor’s hand while we watched the lights of his blue pickup truck move away. I didn’t let go of it all evening. I’m not going to now.

“I’m happy you and Milo talked,” Conor said.

“Me too.” I was so full of fears about meeting him again. And with the things Milo wrote during the last couple of days, I bet he was too. But all of this seemed to be in the past now. Finally.

The night took over, and thanks to living in the woods, it was pitch dark as soon as Milo was gone. Only the moonlight lit up the place. I could feel Conor’s hand tremble.

“Are you cold?” I asked.

“No, it’s okay.”

“The darkness?”

“Yeah. But I’ll be fine.”

I wanted to ask him what was going on with him and darkness. We said no more secrets after all. But somehow, it didn’t feel right. We’ve had enough drama for one day. And when the time is right, he will tell me on his terms.

Instead, I held his hand a bit tighter and led him closer to the house, knowing that it would soon trigger the porch light to turn on.

A loud PENG in the distance let the birds hiding in the trees fly away. We both froze, shocked and searched for the source of the sound.

“What was that?” Conor whispered, and the shaking in his hand grew.

“I don’t know.”

“Sounded a bit like a gunshot, doesn’t it?”

“It definitely did.”

At the end of the road, hiding behind the trees on the main road, I could spot two car lights lurking.

“Look,” I whispered and pointed toward them, “Quickly. Let’s get inside.”

I pulled Conor behind me and ran toward the door while trying to keep the car lights within my sight. The porch lights turned on as we were about ten feet away from the house, offering the illusion of security.

I searched the forest but couldn’t find the headlights anymore. Where are they? My eyes flew over the area when I spotted them moving toward our house.

My steps got bigger by the second, and so did Conor’s. I jumped onto the porch and landed in front of the door. I hammered the code into the keypad, but instead of opening it, the light turned red.

“Fuck.”

I pushed the numbers again. 3-9-8-7-7-6. The light turned green, and the door flew open with a buzz. I shoved Conor inside and slammed the door behind me, pressing my body weight against it as if that would help. We both panted.

It was dark inside the house, but the porch light still lit up the entrance hall through the windows. I looked at Conor, and he seemed just as scared as me.

“There’s no way that someone was shooting, was it?”

“I hope not."

I grabbed his hand again and squeezed it tight. Part of me wanted to show him that I would protect him. The other part searched for safety in his hand.

Another PENG made us shake like leaves in the wind. Conor rocked closer to me, and we searched for each other's hug.

“This sounds like it was right in front of the house,” Conor whispered.

The orange porch light went out, and instead of covering us in darkness, a white light slowly crept into the room. I immediately knew it was the car I had seen.

“Shit, they are actually coming here.”

I slowly bent toward the window next to the door to catch a glimpse of what was happening. The car stopped about fifteen feet away from the house, the beams still on. It was hard to actually see the vehicle or who was in it as the high beams shone right into my eyes. One of the car’s doors was closed with a CLONK, but I couldn’t determine which one. A shadow walked around the car, searching for something.

“Oh fuck it,” the shadow growled and kicked against the car.

“Do you have a gun in the house?” Conor whispered.

Dad has one, yeah. But it’s safely locked away in their room.

“Since when are you ready to shoot someone?”

“I never said that. But having one in your hand looks intimidating.”

“We don’t even know who it is.”

Conor searched for my face.

“Could it be that we are drunk and overreacting?” Conor asked.

“You drank alcohol?”

“No.”

“Me neither.”

“But maybe we are overreacting?”

Come to think of it, would someone who wanted something bad really drive up here with his high beams on, alarming everyone who is at home? Risking getting caught by the security system?

The light switched back to orange again. I turned my head and searched for the person walking around. As soon as I spotted that it was my brother, Adam, I couldn’t help but laugh. He probably just had trouble with the exhaust of his old self-repaired Cadillac again.

“What is it?” Conor asked, irritated by my sudden relief.

“Look outside.” He did, and as soon as he saw the culprit, he also started laughing.

“We’re so stupid.”

“But we’re stupid together.”

Conor suddenly grabbed my head and kissed me thoroughly. Our tongues explored everything that was there. His left hand was on the back of my head, his right hand on my chest. I stabilized myself with my left hand because we would have fallen over otherwise. Conor crawled deeper into me, and despite my attempts to keep upright, we fell over, Conor landing on me. That didn’t stop him from kissing me, though.

I fleetingly heard how Adam had pulled up the door to the garage.

“He will catch us in a minute,” Conor said with his lips still on mine. He sat back up and pulled me with him, still kissing me until we both were back on our feet. He ran up the stairs and pulled me behind him, shoving me into my room and onto my couch, locking the door behind him.

“You know he has a way up from the garage to his room so he doesn’t disturb anyone? He wouldn’t have caught us,” I laughed. But Conor didn’t reply. He slowly walked up to me, climbed over the backrest, and threw himself onto me, returning to what we were doing downstairs.

“Is this okay?” He whispered.

“I want to. Yes.”

“Me too.”

My body tingled, ready for wherever this would lead us.