I wake as a freezing bucket of water is tossed over my head. Truly the worst way to be woken. The pounding sensation in my skull reminds me of the falling barrel. It feels like karma is playing a cruel joke on me. I can’t see through my right eye from the swelling and blood. I try to squint in the low light, only to recoil from the hundreds of pale faces that watch me. 

My body is constricted and restrained from what feels like a kilometre of chains and rope. On top of that, I'm in a barrel, my head poking through a small hole in the lid.

One of the pale faces steps before me in the candlelight, it's a child. A scrawny runt that attempts to mock me by waving Riptail around, but struggles under the blade's weight. He tosses it away and turns to the crowd.

“I, King Emperor Shadow dragon of the bastards. Have brought you a toy. And what do we do with toys?”

“We break them!” They shout in unison.

Bloody hell, what kind of lord of the Flies hole have I fallen into now?

“We break them.” He says to me, “But before that, I have one question.” A queer look in his eyes. “Can you cook?”

I wait for the punchline and realise everyone is listening in anticipation.

“A little, I’m pretty good at scrambled eggs.” 

“Ewwww eggs.” He scrunches his face in disgust.

“I bloody shitting hate crappy rutting eggs.” A small girl says from behind me.

The rest of the crowd mimics their disgust.

Except for one voice that squeaks out. “I like eggs.”

“Shut up Ben!” The King shouts.

A scuffle breaks out as the boy is quickly reprimanded for not following his Lord’s ways.

“Listen, mate, I’m not in the Smilers. I killed two of them that were trying to find you lot. I’m one of the good guys.”

“Is that why your sword is made out of a spine? Certainly doesn’t look like a good guy's weapon.” A blonde girl says as she leans over me.

“Queen empress pony-lockes speaks the true true!”

“True true!” They repeat.

The words echo around the curved ceiling and down a series of tunnels that branch out from here. From the look and smell of the place, we’re in the city sewer system.

“Oh come on man. I can help you.”

Both King and Queen take a quick breath as if I’d just slapped their favourite puppy, the crowd does the same about half a second later.

“You dare to insult me, in my own kingdom! I am no man. Blasphemy!”

“Blasphemy!” They echo.

The crowd simply looks for their King’s guidance in all things, so I have to convince him first. I observe his scruffy attire and gaunt frame while he addresses his people. He looks malnourished, no wonder he asked if I could cook. They don’t know how to care for themselves as if they were never taught. Maybe that’s because they’re orphans.

“- then we leave him in the naughty corner of muk for four years!”

“Six tens of years!” The Queen announces.

“Right, six tens of years! Then if he’s still breathing we could…”

A boy squeals out. “Let him go.”

“Ben, get out!

A further scuffle commences as the small lad is roughly pushed out of the room.

I plead from my barrel prison. “King Emperor Shadow dragon, I think-” 

“Of the bastards.” 

“Right, King Emperor shadow dragon of the bastards. You have a fine empire going on here. But all strong and ever lasting empires don’t merely destroy their enemies or imprison them. They absorb their strengths, learn their knowledge and apply it. I can cook and clean. I can teach your soldiers how to fight the Smilers.”

“The bastards are sneaky like mice. We are every place and no place. How can they fight our shadows?”

“Two of them were right on top of you. How long till they find your base? What will you do the next time they follow your people?” 

“We will move on like we always have.”

“So you’ll run forever. Sleeping in fear, never having a real home.”

His face turns red at knowing the truth in my argument, he looks to his people for support but only finds his worries reflected in them. A king only in name, he lashes out like the youth he truly is.

Slapping me across the face. “Lies! I’ve seen the scar on your hand.”

The wanted posters, he’s going to sell me to the Blackroots for the gold.

“That was a misunderstanding.’

“Suzie told me about you. How you cut down her parents on the road.”

He sees my confusion and doubles down.

He turns to the crowd. “They were innocent robbers, making a living and this man killed them. Suzie barely escaped.”

Suzie was the little girl I let escape. Karma’s a pack of muk, why can no good deed go unpunished?

“Kill the liar!”

“Cut off his hair.”

“Make him walk through a puddle with his socks on!”

Mother help me. They may be kids but some savages amongst them scream for blood. I need to stop running headlong into trouble, especially without backup.

“I’ll kill the Smilers! All of them!” I shout as they tip the barrel onto its side.

They start to roll me along the ground, my head spins just like the moment I entered this world. 

“Drown him in the pool!” Their leader orders.

I’m rolled into a stagnant hole full of sewage and released before I can get another word out. Clamping my mouth shut as the putrid waters engulf me. The smell is overwhelming until the primal panic of drowning takes hold. No light penetrates the surface, leaving me in darkness until physical law opposes their emperor's will. The barrel stands up as the air trapped inside makes it float. With Uke watching over me, it stands up the right way so that I can breathe.

“Bugger, bloody, crappy, balls sauce!” The horrible Queen oaths.

The frustrated King loses it as my execution goes poorly and starts throwing stones at the barrel. His subjects follow suit but their tiny missiles bounce off the hardwood in defiance.

I suppress a smile at his meltdown, the situation would be hilarious if I wasn’t trapped and a few feet away from drowning in piss and muk. 

“Ben! Where’s Ben?” The King calls.

“Here!” A few kids shove the little lad to the front.

“Ben you have been promoted to the honourable position of barrel sinker!” He glares at the lad while pointing at me. 

Ben plants his feet even as they start to shove him forward. At the brink of being tipped in, he squeals out. “He’s sinking already, look look!”

Wait what. I could barely see the water from my angle but the army of savage children was growing. That’s when I feel the cold water around my ankles, streaming in from gaps in the planks.

The sociopath skips about in joy, hurling insult after insult at my demise. 

I feel the water slowly creeping up my body as if the devil has reached through the bowels of Yorton to pull me into a stinking hell.

“Wait!” 

A high pitched cry rings through the sewers. 

The tiny child with the mighty voice makes her way to the front. I vaguely remember her, but all the grimy children of this city look similar.

“We found him, Suzie!” The King shouts with glee.

“You bloody fool, I told you killed my parents!” Suzie barks.

“Mmmmmm, yeh so-.” 

“My parents were wankers! Both were Smilers and wanted to sell me. He saved my life and let me keep the loot that I brought back for the bastards.” She turns, takes a deep breath and dives in.

Soon I'm flopping out of a half destroyed barrel, wriggling away from the pool banks in case the King halts this unfolding revolution.

“It’s my decision, I’m the emperor. Which makes this tree son.” 

Suzie stands dripping over me, her tiny stature is set and ready for war. Luckily for both of us, she has a few friends amongst the slightly older and taller kids. The spoiled execution has stricken a rift through the bastards.

“You never listen to anyone but your Queen! We keep following this fool and we’ll be in chains going over the edge or used in the White Chapel brothels!” Suzie claims.

“Stupid whore-” The Queen’s rant is interrupted by a sharp slap from Suzie.

“Stop swearing, you’re terrible at it!” 

The King froths with rage at the incident but holds back from the bigger group.

“How dare you strike your elected leaders! Further trees sons! Someone behead them!”

“Phil! Our self-elected ‘King’ has been using the coin from my loot to feed us and pay for the drugs the Smilers want you to sell. Since we ran out of food yesterday, I’m guessing we can’t do that anymore and the gang will bear down on us even harder.” She looks around at the starving youths. “So a man, that saved my life, falls into our world and offers to help us, and what do you do so wise and noble leader? You tried to drown him in piss, but you muked that up! So you cowardly try to push someone into the pool to do it for you.” 

Phil, the King, tries to refute her but is shouted over.

“Is that who we want making our decisions for us? A coward and a fool?”

The Bastards cheer for my saviour, the sudden change in leadership is unanimous as the opposing group turns on their monarchs and toss them into the sewage. 

Serves the little shits right.