~

 

“Baby? I’m home!” I shouted coming through the door. “Telling Beth about us, like I figured, was a horrible idea.” 

 

I kicked the door shut behind me and was encased in total darkness. I flipped on the hallway light, and pulled my shoes off. It was eerily quiet. 

 

“Cedar?” I called. “Are you here?” 

 

I walked into the living room, and turned on the lamp. I figured Cedar might just be in our art room, with his headphones on. I peaked in and it was pitch black, no one to be found. I went into our bedroom. There was a weird odor in the air but I could see the outline of his body in the moonlight. I thought it was odd for him to be sleeping, it was only ten o ' clock, but I climbed into bed with him anyway. I wrapped my arms around him, and he was freezing. I started to grab the blankets when I realized I couldn’t hear him breathing. I hurriedly turned on the light. 

 

Cedar lay on his back, his beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot and glazed over. His skin was completely white, and he had vomit dried to either side of his mouth. I let out a blood curdling scream. I quickly called an ambulance and started chest compressions although in the back of my mind, I knew it was no use. My eyes clouded and I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I could hear the operator on the phone asking me questions and for directions but all I could do was focus on the rhythm of my hands pushing into his chest.

 

~

 

Rowan shook me, “Blythe,” He shouted. “You’re okay, you’re fine.” 

 

I gasped, I had been screaming. It was dark, but the fireplace was still burning. I could see Rowan's eyes in the orange glow. 

 

“What? What?” I asked. My cheeks were wet. I was crying. 

 

Rowan sighed. “Jesus. You scared the hell out of me.” 

 

I couldn’t stop shaking and crying. This dream was common to me, it had been less haunting in the past though. This time it really felt like I was back in that room, trying in vain to save the love of my life. I held on to Rowan so tight my fingers ached. He held me, shushing softly and rocking me back and forth. I couldn’t stop the tears, they just continued to pour out of me. I looked down and saw Sadie, curled at my feet, whimpering. 

 

“I got you, Blythe.” Rowan whispered. “I’m here.” 

 

When I woke up, the sun was just starting to make its way up. The fire had died out, and Sadie was fast asleep at my feet. I took a deep breath and started to roll over when I noticed Rowan's hand was on my back. He was still here laying beside me. When he noticed me stirring, he almost instinctively started rubbing my back. 

 

“I’m here.” He said, groggily. I felt him scoot closer to me, and wrap his arm around me. 

 

I wanted to close my eyes, and just go back to sleep. It had been years since someone held me this way, and I felt so safe in Rowan's arms but it was wrong. I couldn’t just forget about Cedar. I pushed myself up out of the bed and limped down the hall to the bathroom. I gave myself a few minutes to pull myself together, and splash some water on my face. I grabbed the tooth brush Rowan gave me and brushed my teeth. I couldn’t avoid going out there all together but, it just felt like I walked back out there, and he was still laying in that bed, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from crawling right back in next to him.  I took a deep breath, and opened the door, when I made it back to the living room Rowan was in the kitchen, making coffee. 

 

“Morning.” He said, giving me a small smile. 

 

“Good morning.” I sat down at the kitchen island. No one spoke. I think Rowan was too afraid to ask. 

 

Rowan went into the bathroom and I just sat, watching the coffee drip ever so slowly into the carafe. A wave of shame washed over me. I wanted Rowan to take me in his arms again, I longed for him to hold me. I tried to push the thought from my mind but it was stuck, I felt like I was betraying Cedar. 

 

“Who was he?” Rowan asked when he came back into the kitchen. “You were calling for him in your sleep.”

 

“My husband.” I choked out, my eyes stinging with tears.

 

“Did he hurt you?” Rowan asked.

 

I shook my head vigorously. “No, no. Never.” I took a deep breath. “He, uh, he was getting high while I was gone, and he fell asleep on his back. Choked on his own vomit. I found him when I got home.” 

 

A tear fell from my eye, and Rowan rushed over to comfort me. I wanted to push him away but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Rowan took me in his arms, and stoked my hair with his free hand. I couldn’t stop crying. I never told anyone about Cedar, outside of my family and rehab. It felt good to say his name.

 

“I’m so sorry, Blythe.” Rowan said softly. 

 

I took a deep breath and wiped my tears. “A few weeks after he died, I found out I was pregnant. But I was too stupid, and too high to notice. I had a miscarriage. Probably because I wasn't taking care of myself, and I was high pretty much twenty-four seven.” I scoffed. 

 

“You were grieving.” Rowan said softly. “That can take a lot out on your body. You may have been high but you were also going through tragedy.”

 

“I killed the only piece of him I had left.” I sobbed. 

 

“I don’t think you had anything to do with the miscarriage.” Rowan said, I looked up at him. “When I was a resident, I had to do a few shifts in the NICU. I’ve seen a lot of babies with mothers struggling with addiction born, but that’s the thing they were born. When I worked in the ER when I was an intern, you know what I saw? Pregnant women going through tragedy. Most of those babies didn’t make it, Blythe. Yeah, drugs are bad but I don’t think they killed your baby. I think you would have made the best wife and mother, Blythe.” 

 

Rowan wiped a tear from my cheek. He gazed into my eyes and I knew I couldn’t keep myself from him. Slowly, I leaned in. I felt his hand graze my back, and the softness of his lips against mine. My whole body ran cold, and then burning hot. I felt electricity jolt through my body. I pulled him in for another kiss, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I ran my hand through his thick, brown hair. I felt the pressure of his hand fall to my hip, bringing me closer to him. I stood up from my chair and positioned myself between his legs, my hand drifted down to his chest. 

 

“Blythe.” He said, breathy, “Blythe, we shouldn’t do this.” 

 

He pulled away from me. “What?” I asked. 

 

Rowan sighed, “Look, you’re clearly still grieving. I don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

 

I sat back in my chair. “I’m sorry, Rowan.” 

 

He shook his head, standing up and going to the coffee machine. “Don’t be, Bylthe, really. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

 

He handed me a cup of coffee, and poured one of his own. “Cedar died three years ago. I haven’t been with anyone since. I didn’t know it until now but, I’m really fucking lonely.” I said, my voice cracking.

 

Rowan put his cup down and came over to me. “I don’t ever want you to feel that way, but I think you still need some time. We can take things slow, okay?” He said, softly. 

 

I nodded, Rowan kissed my forehead gently and carried me over to the couch. He held me in his arms, and for the first time in the last three years, I felt like a long forgotten piece of me came back.