I coughed, doubling over as I sat up- swirls of ash nearly burying me and an angry red sun glaring overhead, cresting over the top of what must be one of the volcanoes dotting the Empire. It was so thick, even I was having trouble getting enough air. 

How did I get here? Wasn’t I at the embassy? Where was Rae-

A crack like thunder shook the very air, and I looked up towards the sun. Outlining it like a corona, the very sky began to crack and shatter, one extra-long crack racing down towards the ground like a bolt of lightning.

It struck the volcano, splitting it in half- not like cracking a stone, but like ripping the very paper of reality as a blinding blue light poured out of the crack. Something tried to climb out of it, but I couldn’t make it out. The light was too bright, even with the sheer massive size of that thing crawling out of the ground.

My heart stopped in my chest, as I realized the thing was a titanic arm.

And then I woke up, the red light of day pouring through the window and stinging my eyes. Damn, that was weird- with the way that the time-dilation of the simulations worked, you usually didn’t dream- you were effectively very lightly asleep during your stay, and eight hours of rest inside was… some amount of math for the outside, but effectively meant you took a bunch of micro-naps instead of full rest.

That’s why they usually don’t recommend going straight from the Lockers into a work shift, so you can have a few hours to readjust back to normal and get a full night’s rest. 

I moved to try and get up, but something had me pinned. A couple somethings, actually- Rae was basically spread-eagle on top of the bed, snoring lightly and drooling way too close to my face for comfort, her arm, leg, and part of her hips trapping me.

If it weren’t for the fact that I was more afraid of getting drooled on, I might have been embarrassed- but I was more focused on the other thing, and pointedly ignored the pool of red-hot iron forming in my gut at the situation. I tried wiggling out, and then the blanket started wrapping me up tighter- oh for fuck’s sake, right she used her cloak as a blanket, could she not turn it off after she commanded it?!

“Let go of me, you fucking cretin!”

My hissing whisper only got her to mumble a little, shifting and pulling me in closer until-

I let out a scream, and she jolted awake- yelping a little herself and pushing me away with both her arms and her cloak. I tumbled to the floor with a thump that hurt my dignity more than anything else. 

“Oh fuck- Eri- ASH, I’m so sorry!” She scrambled over to my edge of the bed, and I glared up at her from on the floor. Blowing my bangs out of my face, I put on my best deadpan.

“Just because I’m a girl here doesn’t mean I want to be your damn teddy bear.”

Rae made another face, and I sighed as I pushed myself up.

“You are acting so fucking weird- are you sure you’re the one who’s not fine?”

She continued to stare at me, pressing her lips into a thin line- her serious thinking face. I was pretty familiar with it, with how focused she’d get when she was trying to crack some problem at her internship at home.

“Hey, Ash- are… do you feel-”

Whatever she was going to ask was interrupted by the door cracking open- oh, no wonder Cyrus and Jase didn’t react to our kerfuffle, guess they’re early risers. They were carrying two bowls each of something wafting with steam, pausing just a moment as they saw me on the floor.

“Have a bit of a tumble there, Ash?” Cyrus asked, while Jase walked over and squatted next to me. They set one of the bowls down next to my face, and simply patted me on the cheek.

Thanks, Jase.

“This menace,” I pointed up at Rae, “Nearly suffocated me in her sleep.”

Rather than rebut my accusation, Rae simply glanced down and pulled at the collar of her shirt to examine herself. I groaned again, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes. I could hear Jase chuckling at my expense, and I flipped the bird in their approximate direction.

“Alright, morning theatrics aside you really ought to get up, my girl.” Cyrus took a seat in my former spot on the bed, passing Rae a bowl of, now that I could see the one next to me, what looked like some sort of… brown, rice porridge, speckled with black flecks that I hoped was something like pepper.

With only a little scrambling, I managed to sit up cross-legged on the floor, taking my own bowl and carefully trying a bite. It was certainly warm, and mostly salty with a bit of a pepper kick to it. The grain itself was mushy but with a surprisingly earthy taste. 

“It’s almost like some kind of barley,” Rae commented as she blew on a spoonful, “Must be exceptionally tough if they’ve got to boil it long enough to become mush in order to eat it.”

“Either that, or their cook could use a few tips.” I countered, before looking over at Cyrus.

“So, something interesting happen while you grabbed breakfast?”

“Oh, nothing too much- just ran into that “god” Reyne here mentioned last night,” He said, thumbing over at Rae, “Peacebranch certainly lives up to the name.”

Immediately, I was picturing one of those diaphanous robe-wearing nature elf types, laurel wreath crowning the head and everything. 

“She’s downstairs serving the breakfast line as we speak, so if you want to get in a word before whatever godly duties she has, I’d hop to it.”

… Well this was a perfect opportunity to wring out some of the lore I’ve been wanting to bone up on. I shoveled a few more spoonfuls of the barleymeal into my mouth, before dropping the half-full bowl on the small bedside table. With a flick, I changed out of my impromptu sleepwear into the Ashbound armor, scarf fluttering behind me as I slipped out of the room.

Our room was on the third of four floors in what was a converted inn of some sort. I headed towards the stairwell, turning and gripping onto the railings, then pulling myself over to-

WAIT, NO LIGHT NO LIGHT YOU HAVEN’T REPLENISHED YOUR STORES OF LIGHT-

A strangled squawk barely filtered out of my throat as my hands clamped onto the railing, and I balanced like a plank on top of it. Jeeeesus- at least I was pretty physically adept here. With very deliberate care, I pushed myself back onto the stairs. Simulated adrenaline making my hand shake, I took the stairs the long way, instead of trying to use a few Push pulses to soften my fall. 

Just to be safe, on my way down I downed a vial of Light. Okay. Not making that mistake again.

The downstairs area that made up what would have been the dining/common area of the inn was fairly populated- not exactly crowded, but there was still enough chatter to be lively. The people from Shoskarie all seemed to be a good deal more tanned than most of the imperial people around here, favoring a lot of bright colors and loose, flowy clothes with long strips of cloth like Rae’s cloak, as well as plenty of braided cord and rope in place of belts and wraps around the forearms and legs. 

Bet that had something to do with the magic Rae could use. There was a small line at the counter of the bar, and as I stood in line and leaned over, I saw her.

I was so far off in my guess. Sure, her ears were pointed- but more important were the two horns that looked like thick and gnarled tree branches swooping back from her head. Thick vines, styled like tied-back dreadlocks grew from her scalp, and her skin was olivine- in that it was that kind of tanned, but also there was also an almost green-brown tint to it in the right lighting. 

I did manage to guess the laurel correctly, so that’s one point for me. Her dress was also very much like everyone else’s here, with a sash going over her shoulder and belted around her waist with a braided cord in lots of greens, bright yellows, and a surprising amount of black accent colors.

Most striking of all were her eyes, which seemed permanently alight with a pale blue glow- just like when I burned Light to use my Ashbinding. 

The people in line in front of me all got their bowls and headed towards a table to eat, and Peacebranch turned to me, opening her mouth to speak before pausing with a blink.

“Oh- one of the other perpetuals! I hope it wasn’t too cramped, sharing a room with delegate Steelwind?”

I took a seat on one of the bar stools. Alright, just gonna converse with a plant goddess like she’s a barkeep in a fantasy tavern. This is normal.

“Rae and I are old friends, I’m pretty used to it.”

“Ahh- oh, you’re the friend she mentioned yesterday, then?” She studied me for a moment, frowning, “Hmm- I do not mean to assume, but you do not exactly… match her description?”

… Right, yeah. If she had been talking about me, she would have been describing how I look outside. Something about that made my heart catch in my throat, and I had to swallow hard to find my words again.

“I’ve had some changes, recently?”

She leaned over closer, and I could feel sweat start to prickle my neck as she looked me in the eye. Okay, what the fuck was any of this about?

After a few, long, uncomfortable seconds, she pulled back with a smile that seemed… sympathetic?

“So you’ve also perpetuated recently, then? I know sometimes shades come back with bodies matching closer to their ideal after their first death,” She chuckled a little, before gesturing to herself, “We of the council of gods often experience an extreme version of that, as you can see.”

I blinked.

“So- you weren’t always a god?”

She laughed, and it was light and airy and it made my cheeks burn something fierce.

“No, not at all- no god ever is! We’re chosen by Virtue- given a second chance to enact her will on the world. Much like you, perpetual.”

“Okay, you’ve said that word a couple times- what does that mean?”

Peacebranch hummed, placing a hand on her chin.

“Right- I probably should expect that none in this land would know much about it. Your emperor- well,” She paused, bringing up both her hands and oh my god she actually finger quoted at me, “Ahem, “The Eternal,” as he insists- seems to not be fond of the free dissemination of information.”

“Yeah, well what kind of fascist ever is?” I mumbled, earning a nod from her.

“Too right. Anyhow, as it stands- a perpetual is someone who, due to the inherent investment of Light in their shade, can never truly die.”

She held a hand to her chest, “We of the council of gods are one type of perpetual. Your emperor is one- and so are you and your merry band upstairs.”

Huh- okay, that must be some bit of lore to explain our characters being able to be damaged enough to die, but still come back without re-rolling a new one. Honestly, not a bad justification- and to have it so that it’s not just the players who have this conditional immortality, but NPC’s as well, does sell it pretty well.

I was getting the feeling the devs here liked lore as much as I did- and that brought a smile to my face.

“So, considering the… temperament of the guy in charge here,” I started, glancing out the windows and up at the spiky spires of the central ring of the city, pointed upwards in the most dramatically evil architecture I could honestly ever imagine, “How is it there even are foreign relations here? How are you even tolerated?”

“Barely.” Peacebranch answered, shrugging, “But your lands cannot sustain themselves, try as the Eternal has. He needs to keep the population alive and working, and he cannot kill us just as we cannot kill him- even if the council of gods outnumber him.”

… Shit, that did sort of throw a monkey wrench in my revolution plans. How do you kill a guy who’s immortal?

I knew this was going to be more of a long-term goal, but… damn. Now it was starting to feel more impossible than anything.

“May I ask something about you?”

I blinked as I brought my attention away from re-thinking a whole revolution- nodding for Peacebranch to go ahead.

“Are you adjusting well? I remember when I first perpetuated, it was quite the shock.” She said, gesturing to herself, “Ultimately, I’ve not only gotten used to but have also come to cherish how Virtue rebuilt me- is there any disconnect for you?”

“You know, Rae asked me the same thing last night- aside from getting used to a few physical things, it’s been great.”

Peacebranch hummed, nodding a bit.

“That is a relief to hear. To be reborn after perpetuation is to bring one’s body closer to their shade- to be true to who they are in here.” She said, reaching across the counter and poking me right in the sternum, “Even if that truth is often unknown to us. I have known other perpetuals, even other gods, who have needed time to come to terms with these truths.”

That was… that- how do you explain to a video game NPC that you just made an aesthetic choice in the character creator? It wasn’t like that- I mean I WAS honestly happier as Ash then I was as Eric, but it’s not like I wanted to-

Wanted to be a-

I stood up quickly, feeling a tightness in my throat. Peacebranch’s eyes widened a little, and I jerkily bowed my head to her.

“It’s been nice talking I gotta- things to do. Thank you- sorry- gotta go.”

Rather than head to the stairs, I made my way as quickly to the front doors as I could without running, pushing through out into the ash-covered cobblestone streets, now bustling with the servants and other common folk heading to their jobs. I ducked around to the side, anchored to the next building and pulled myself up, switching anchors back to the embassy-slash-inn and bouncing back and forth, before landing on top of the angled, tile roof.

I needed to breathe for a second. Just- get all that out of my head. That wasn’t what was going on, this was a choice in a video game, not some… soul resonance nonsense. Ash Caldera is just pretend, I was Eric Stahls: canteen cook, loser, schmuck. I couldn’t- I couldn’t be like her for real.

I couldn’t be her.

I was sitting up there for only a few minutes before I heard the shuffling of cloth, glancing over to catch Rae heaving herself up the side of the building with her weird cloak-arms. The bare worry on her face made me want to bolt, but I just- what the fuck was WRONG with me?! Why did that get to me like that, it’s- I’m just, I can’t-

She knelt next to me, hesitating for a moment before wrapping her arms around me. I didn’t realize I was shaking until I could feel how stable she was compared to me. 

Neither of us spoke. I couldn’t even really speak with how tight my throat felt, and Rae’s always been more of an actions versus words kind of girl. 

Not like she could say anything of comfort if I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong. Eventually, though, something had to break the silence.

“So, you’re doing fine, huh?”

Normally I’d expect that sentence to come in a sort of smug, “I told you so” type tone. Instead, Rae kept her voice low, tinged with concern and I wish she’d just act normal- call me a dumbass, or tell me that I’m overreacting to this.

The fact that even Rae was treating this seriously just… had me on edge.

“Peacebranch didn’t tell me what she said to you, but she seemed pretty worried over the whole thing.” She shifted a bit, so she could look me in the face while I still sat, arms wrapped around my knees with hers swaddling me up like the oversized baby I was being right now.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it’s- I’m being stupid, this is all stupid, it’s just a game.”

I didn’t want to look at her. Instead, I kept my eyes on the thin layer of ash that settled on the roof, little puffs of it swirling around us from some unfelt breeze. I swear, I think I even saw some of it glow and fade slightly- the Light was made from distilled ash, right?

“Well, if it’s getting you of all people to break down and cry about it, I think it might be a bit more serious than that, yeah? Like, if you were acting pissed off then I’d just be like “Yup, that’s normal Eric behavior” but this-”

I shuddered as she said my name, fists tightening and nails digging into the leather of my gloves. I’d always hated my name, but… fuck, after not having to hear it for even just a day, it made me want to scream. 

“Please don’t fucking call me that- just… not right now. I don’t want to- I can’t fucking STAND that stupid god damn name-!”

Rae pulled back for a second, and I continued to not look at her. Rather stew in my own vitriol than see whatever… I don’t know, pity or repulsion or whatever is on her face right now.

All was silent for a few moments. A flake of ash settled onto my knee, and I flicked it off as Rae shuffled again next to me.

“... Ash, do you want to be a girl?”

I looked at her, and found her expression serious but otherwise unreadable.

“I- what’s the point? Who doesn’t!? Being a guy fucking sucks, and being HIM is even worse! Eric Stahls is just a nobody fry cook, while everyone else is out here saving the fucking world, while the most I ever do is sit around and be sad sometimes, I’m NOTHING-”

“ASH!”

Rae’s hands clap onto my cheeks, forcing me to look at her- my breathing is heavy and ragged again, and the worry I see in her expression just makes me feel worse because I’m not worth being worried over!

“Holy SHIT, dude- where the fuck has this been the entire time I’ve known you? Why aren’t you in therapy, holy shit?!”

I grabbed her hands, pushing her off me as I stood, hands balling into fists by my side.

“There are other people who have it worse! People who are actually doing something important for the domes, people shouldering more important stress, I can’t just- I can’t clog up the system because of my own bullshit, Rae!”

“Happiness isn’t a finite resource, asshole!”

She stood as well, worry and anger both mixing on her face as she jabbed a finger towards me, “You sound like some fucking… doomer millenial from pre-exodus, who did this to you, man? This is actively one of the most worrying things I’ve heard you say-”

“I can deal with it MYSELF, I’m not worth worrying over!”

“OF COURSE YOU’RE WORTH WORRYING OVER, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND!”

The ash swirled violently around us, glowing spots now unmistakable in the flurry- shining bright, then fizzling out almost like a filament bulb taking too much wattage. Her anger deflated in a moment, and with it the ash fell still.

For my part… I felt like the biggest moron in the dome. I should have just kept my mouth shut, now someone else knew and there was no putting that back to before. What’s worse, my bullshit was actively distressing someone else now, and that’s just another mark of selfish, self-important bullshit from-

“I know I can’t get you to believe it in just… one conversation, or whatever.” Rae’s words interrupted my thoughts, and I looked back towards her. Even while sad, there was a steely determination in her eyes, her posture, that I just… it could never be me.

“But you’re not some nobody to me, okay? You’ve got one of the strongest moral compasses I’ve ever seen, and even in a make-believe fantasy pretend game, the first thing you wanted to do was help people- to stop some asshole from crushing the hope out of an entire people. You put up with my brand of bullshit, which is more than I can say for a lot of people, and just…”

She sighed, shoving her hands into the pockets of her pants, glancing away towards the city streets.

“... I know I can be a real dick sometimes, but I do worry about you. Hell, I came here in the first place because I thought- I don’t know, maybe I could get some insight on what’s always bothering you, or something! Something to help you, because I fucking care about you, you jerk.”

There was a moment of silence, before she finally turned back to me.

“Maybe the conversation could’ve gone without a fight like that, but hey I guess the case is closed there, huh?”

I crossed my arms, the grimace on my face lightening up into just a frown.

“How do you figure?”

“Dude- or, girl- damn, gonna have to think a little bit about my word usage now- you had a whole fucking breakdown because you don’t want to be a guy. I think that’s pretty damn clear, yeah?”

Well, I wasn’t ignorant about the alphabet mafia. Most of the people I hang out with subscribe to one or more of those letters, but… this was new, I didn’t-

“I can’t be trans, Rae- I would’ve, I should have figured it out by now-”

Rae interrupted me with one of those “wrong answer” buzzer noises, as she walked back over to me and leaned down to look me face to face- if we weren’t having like a moment here I would be going for the kneecaps right now, I fucking swear-

“Identity shit can take some time to figure out, Ash. Hard to figure out a problem if you don’t have any examples or the language to describe what you feel.”

“But- I mean, who even wants to be a guy?! I always feel so sweaty, and gross, and like I’m some clumsy, ham-handed gorilla most of the time, nobody wants that!”

“Ash, transmen exist. And they definitely want to be guys.”

“Okay, yeah-” I puffed up a little, glaring at Rae as I continued to push back, “-but they actually *make* that choice because being a guy makes them more comfortable, nobody born as a guy gets that choice!”

She stared at me for a solid couple seconds, before nodding a bit.

“Aight, hang on spidermonkey.”

I barely had time to react before Rae’s cloak was grabbing me, and I let out a small shout of surprise as she swung us over the lip of the roof. With a few deft, acrobatic maneuvers, she swung us both through the open window of the room we were borrowing, right in the middle of Cyrus and Jase finishing up their breakfast. Only Cyrus seemed to jump a little at our entrance- I could see the fading glow from Jase’s eyes. 

Yeah, I guess if Rae left the same way, I’d want to keep an eye out for if we’d have to book it quickly, too.

“Yo, Cyrus.” Rae deposited me on the bed Jase was sitting on, before turning to the older man, “You’re a cis dude, yeah?”

Cyrus blinked, a little taken aback and visibly confused as he glanced from Rae, to me, then back to Rae.

“... Yeeees?”

“And you’re totally fine with being a dude, yeah?”

“Well, of course- I take pride in who I am, and I should not think that my love for the masculine would preclude myself.”

“Spoken like a true boy liker.” Jase said, focused on their meal while Cyrus sighed with exasperation. The glare he shot at Jase had little effect, so he turned back to Rae.

“Might I ask why the inquisition this early in the morning, madam?”

Rather than answer him, Rae just turned to stare at me, with the singular most “I told you so” look plastered on her face.

… And, well- fuck- I couldn’t exactly argue with that evidence- even if it was just a sample size of one, it still refuted the argument. Cyrus’s stare eventually went over to me as well, and even Jase- as they finished their last bite- looked over at me with a critical eye.

There was a moment of silence, and Jase was the first to blink.

“Wait- is she…?”

I groaned, leaning down and covering my face with my hands. 

“I’m an idiot, that's what I am.”

Jase hummed, placing a gentle hand on my back and rubbing little circles. I couldn’t exactly see what Cyrus was doing, but when he spoke up again a few seconds later it just made me want to curl up into a singularity and cease to exist.

“You know, I’ve seen a few dense eggs in my time, but never on the other end of such a… sledgehammer style cracking. You good?”

I prayed for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

artiestroke

Well, holidays have been ramping up and turns out that buffer's ran out quicker than I thought, gomenasorry. Might be a bit before the next update, but I promise it won't be too long! In exchange, today we've got TWO minis for you- everyone's favorite slightly more experienced duo: Cyrus and Jase!

 

 

(Their last name isn't Solo or anything, I just made a second one with another miniature on it first)