Uh hi, this is Tara. My sibling asked me to write one of these chapters for them so let’s give this a shot. I guess I’ll start at the beginning. Ever since my brother and I were kids, I’ve been looking out for him. Our parents said it was my duty as the big sister to protect him, so that’s what I’ve been doing. He was always a meek kid, mostly kept to himself. He made some friends over the years, but they never lasted. He had his share of bullies too, of course I stood up for him. Honestly, he would have been lost without me.

Then, when he was 12 and I was 14, I noticed he started wearing my clothes. I never saw him do it at the time, but I would notice things moved or out of place. So unless we had a ghost in the house, he was moving it. It took until I was 18 to finally catch him in the act. I was gonna have a sleepover with my friend Samantha, but her family had just gotten a new pool and I forgot my bathing suit at home. When I got back, I found him in one of my dresses! I was, understandably, pissed at first. But when I saw him having a panic attack, I realized that my anger was just gonna hurt him. So I did my best to comfort him instead. He ended up making this crazy promise to me that he’d never wear women’s clothes again. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to keep it.

After that, he started keeping to himself more. He would avoid making eye contact with me and any invitation I made for the two of us to spend time together would be turned down. Eventually, I stopped trying. It wasn’t worth the energy if he wasn’t gonna respond. So we started drifting apart. By now, I was in college on a track scholarship and had an apartment with Samantha. With or without him, I was moving forward in life. Still, I did miss the times we had as kids. It seemed like this was just a part of growing up. That was just how it had to be.

For now, I was having a good time living with Samantha. Though every other Tuesday night, she would leave for some club meeting or something. I never paid it much mind, it wasn’t any of my business. She didn’t tell me, I didn’t ask. Things worked fine that way. Until one Tuesday, she came up to me.

“Hey Tara, I’ve been thinking. Wanna come with me to my meeting? They asked us to bring a friend this week, and who better than my roomie?”

I was surprised, she’d never asked me to come with her before. I didn’t even know what kind of meeting this was. Was it some kind of A.A. thing or something? Though I hadn’t really seen her drink much before. I just shrugged.

“I mean, if you’re sure it’s ok then yea, I’ll join you. Where are we going anyways? You never told me what these meetings are.”

“Oh right! Well, you’ll just have to see when we get there! Come on, it’s on campus. We only get the room for a couple hours, let’s go!”

She was clearly excited about this. We hopped in her car and drove to campus. 20 minutes later, we were walking into one of the classrooms. Chairs had been arranged in a circle, with various people already there. I even recognized a few from my classes and around campus. A tall, older woman walked over to us.

“Samantha! Good to see you. Glad you made it, I see you brought a guest!” She said cheerfully.

Samantha smiled. “Of course Gloria, wouldn’t miss it. This is my roommate, Tara. Tara, this is Gloria. She’s one of our moderators. Just here to make sure the meeting runs smoothly, you know?”

I nodded. “Yea, alright. I get that. But you still haven’t told me what kind of meeting this is! Is this like Alcoholics Anonymous or something?”

Gloria looked at me, surprised, before turning to Samantha. “You brought her here and didn’t even tell her?” Samantha just shrugged. Gloria shook her head and turned back to me. “I’m so sorry about that, Samantha tends to get a bit ahead of herself. Welcome to the GSA. That’s the Gender and Sexuality Alliance. This is a safe space for people of different gender and sexual identities to talk about their issues. Or not, it’s really open. You can talk about anything as long as you’re mindful of others' boundaries.”

I must have looked like a deer in the headlights at this point. A place for gay people? What the heck was I doing here? I certainly didn’t belong with these people! I wasn’t gay! Wait, if Samantha was here, then that must mean…

“Wait a minute! Samantha, are you… are you gay?” I asked, the shock clear in my voice.

She just laughed. “Surprise! Yea, I’m a lesbian. You were actually my first crush. Don’t you remember all those times I flirted with you?”

I thought back, had this been a thing? All the times we’d gone to the movies together, she would always suggest we share popcorn and a drink to save money. I figured she was frugal. Then there were all the times we’d cuddle up on the couch at home and watch movies together, isn’t that just what gal pals do? We’d joke around, paint each others’ nails and genuinely have a good time together. She’d always tell me how pretty I am too. That’s just what friends do together, isn’t it?

Then I remembered that time at the club a few months ago. We had gone together to dance and have fun and Samantha decided to have a few drinks. I was the designated driver, so I stuck with mocktails instead. After a bunch of partying and dancing, we took a break together on some couches. Samantha was more than a bit drunk at this point but didn’t seem too bad. She could at least walk. She looked over at me with a big smile on her face and said some things that I didn’t think much of at the time.

_____________ Some Months Ago ___________

“God, you’re so pretty Tara. Seriously, none of the other girls here even come close to your level. I love you so much right now.”

I kinda laughed it off. “Oh Samantha, stop it. I’m not that good looking. Besides, you’re a catch too. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”

“I don’t want any of them,” she scoffed. “I want you. Come here and give me some sugar baby!”

Before I knew it, she was pulling me in for a kiss! I was in shock, so I didn’t resist as her lips met mine. I think she even slipped in some tongue before I finally got my wits about me and pulled away.

“Samantha! What are you doing?” I said, still not believing what just happened.

“Something I should have done a long time ago! I love you and I want you to know it!” she managed to get out, though the words were a bit slurred.

“Ok, that’s it. Come on Sam, we’re going home.” I said as I dragged her out of there.

________________________________

Back in the present, I finally came back to my senses. We were still at the meeting. Samantha looked at me with some concern in her eyes.

“Hello, Earth to Tara! You ok? I hope I wasn’t too forward with you. I mean, yea, I had a crush on you but I’m totally over it. You’re clearly straight, it would never work between us. I started coming here so I could learn to move on. I wanted you to come so you could understand and I could confess my feelings in a safe space. Sorry for the deception.”

I was dumbfounded by all of this. What could I say? All this time, I had been friends with a lesbian who had a crush on me! At least it made sense now, why she had been so eager for us to move in together. I just thought it was because we were friends but apparently, it was because she was in love with me!

“I, I can’t believe this!” I finally managed to say. “All this time, I thought I knew you. But you hid this from me, you were gay and had this big crush on me! What am I supposed to think here? I don’t know what’s real anymore! God, I’m such an idiot! I missed all of this for so long!”

“Tara, please. I’m sorry. I never meant to deceive you or anything! I didn’t know how to tell you. That’s why I brought you here, like I said. No more lies, no more deception. Just the honest truth. Can you forgive me for being stupid?” She opened up her arms for a hug.

I looked at her, and at the small crowd that had now gathered. So many queer people, at least I assumed most of them were like that. Looking at them, I realized that they all looked relatively normal. Some had wacky colored hair or looked like guys wearing makeup, but otherwise they just seemed like regular people. Maybe I was being too harsh on Samantha over this. I turned my gaze back to her, my best friend. The girl I had known since we were in Kindergarten! She had clearly messed up, but was trying to make up for it. I couldn’t very well just get rid of her for this!

“Of course I forgive you, you dummy!” I said as I embraced her. “But we’re gonna need to have a serious talk about all of this. I wanna know everything!”

The crowd cheered as Samantha and I hugged. Gloria and another man ushered everyone into their seats so we could finally begin the meeting.

“Ok everyone, settle down please,” Gloria said as she walked up to the front with the other man. “We have some new faces here today, so allow us to introduce ourselves. I’m Gloria and this is Dustin, we’re the moderators for these meetings here on campus. The purpose of these meetings is to give all of you a chance to freely talk about queer issues in a safe environment. Any topic is fine, as long as you stay respectful of others here. Now then, since we got a good amount of folks here, why don’t we split into groups? Say, 5 or 6 people each?”

So with that, we all took our chairs and arranged them into small circles, about 4 groups. I partnered up with Samantha while the others in our group seemed rather odd. A tall girl with neon pink hair, a small, strange looking guy with facial hair and a skirt, and another person whose gender I couldn’t quite determine, due to a pink cloth mask over their nose and mouth that looked homemade.

The tall girl spoke up first, her voice sounding a bit off. “Samantha! Nice to see you again. This must be your friend you told us so much about! Hi there, I’m Lilith. She and her pronouns please.”

“Um, hi there,” I responded. “I’m Tara, she and her as well. I’m still new to all of this so please bear with me if I slip up or anything.”

“Oh of course, no problem at all! Samantha told us a lot about you and honestly, I see why she likes you. You’re pretty for a cis girl!”

“Cis girl?” I said inquisitively. “What’s that mean exactly? I’ve never heard that term before.”

Now the “man” spoke up. “Cis is short for cisgender, or anyone that’s not trans. You and Samantha both qualify as cis, as both of you are comfortable with the gender you were given at birth. It’s a pretty normal term in these spaces, not meant to be offensive at all. Lilith is trans, born with a boy’s body but identifies as a girl. Oh I’m Jarod by the way, he and they pronouns. I’m non-binary. That means I don’t identify as a man or a woman, at least not fully. That’s the gist of it, I don’t wanna confuse you too much here.”

“Thank you for telling me,” I said. “I don’t really understand it but you said he and they for pronouns? How does that work exactly?”

“They and them can be singular pronouns under the right circumstances. I choose to use those as they feel more comfortable. But he and him work fine too, I just prefer they and them.”

Samantha looked over to the last person in the circle, the one with the mask on. “Hey girl, it’s ok. You can speak up too, you know. She won’t bite, I promise.”

She looked up at Samantha, before turning over to me and pulling down her mask, revealing a rather masculine looking face. “Um, my name is Penelope. At least, I want it to be. Ever since I was little, all I ever wanted was to be a girl. Every shooting star, every birthday candle, the only thing I’d wish for was to somehow wake up in a girl’s body and have everyone forget I was ever a boy. I still wish for that, a lot. But now I know I’m not alone. This might sound weird, but I actually practice white magic. When conventional religion failed me, I found a mentor online who taught me all about magic. It’s been amazing!”

Lilith chuckled at this. “I think this is more than she’s said at the last 2 months of meetings combined! She must like you.”

Penelope blushed a bit. “Sorry, when I get talking about magic, I tend to get carried away. It’s helped me so much! Realistically, I know I probably won’t just become a girl, but I feel I have to try! These meetings have been really helpful too. I started coming here after I came out to my folks. It didn’t go so well at first, but they’re slowly getting better about it.”

“Well that’s good Penelope,” I interjected. “I just have a question, if that’s ok. What’s with the mask?”

“Oh, I made it myself. Amazing what you can do with an old shirt and some scissors. I have a germ phobia, I can’t stand having germs or spreading them. So I wear this mask to protect myself in public. It also helps hide my face, which makes the dysphoria hurt less.” The poor girl held a lot of pain in her eyes.

“Dysphoria?” I asked, already having a general idea by now.

Lilith spoke up again. “One of the worst tortures anyone can go through. I know it all too well. The feeling where your mind and body don’t match up gender wise. My brain always screamed that I’m a girl, but my body was that of a boy’s. I hated every minute of it. It was hell! There’s no magical pill or treatment to get rid of it either. The only solution is transition. That’s why I take estrogen and testosterone blockers. Been on them for 2 years now, and I feel amazing! I finally have a body that feels like me!”

Penelope looked down, sadness in her eyes. “That’s why I keep wishing to change myself. At first, I didn’t want anyone to know. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. I don’t wanna lose anyone over stopping it either…” A tear rolled down her cheek.

“Easy girl,” Lilith said comfortingly. “It’s ok, no one’s gonna judge you here. A lot of us have been there, myself included. I fully intend to cut off my stupid family once I’m outta this place. Just six more months and I’m done! I’ll have my degree and be able to put it all behind me. You just gotta stay strong, ok? Like you said, you’re patching things up with your folks. That’s way more than my parents ever did for me! You’re lucky!”

I was amazed by all of this, so much care and support for one another. It really got me thinking about Michael, and what he’s been going through. This was my chance to learn how to help him! Maybe he was like them! I had to at least take a chance and ask.

“So um, let’s say I know someone who might be like you. Someone who’s, what’s that word you used? Trans? Or at least I think they might be. I’ve had my suspicions for a while, but how do I talk to them about it? What should I say?”

Lilith looked me dead in the eyes. “First and foremost, do not tell this person about your suspicions! That’ll only send them deeper into the closet and potentially ruin your relationship with them. Instead, offer them a helping hand. Be there for them and support them, let them come to you. Make yourself someone they can trust and put their faith into. If you do that, then they might tell you when they’re ready. Don’t push it though. If they don’t wanna talk about it, let it go. That’s the best way to handle it in my experience. Maybe if they trust you enough, you can bring them here sometime! We’d love to have you back. You’ve been really nice for your first time dealing with us, I like that about you.”

Jarod nodded. “I agree! You seem like a wonderful person, you’re absolutely welcome to come back.”

I was surprised, they were all so nice about this. Any preconceived notions I had about people like them were long gone by this point. I still had a lot to learn, but maybe I could do that by regularly attending these meetings with Samantha. It certainly seemed like I was welcome!

I smiled. “I’d love to come back, if you’ll have me. It’s been wonderful meeting you three! I hope it’s not offensive for me to say that you’re all vastly different from what I imagined people like you would be. I’ve learned so much already! I want to keep learning, so I can better help my, uh, friend.”

Samantha nudged me. “See? You fit right in! These guys are my friends here. I don’t think any of them would object to you joining the group. All in favor of Tara joining our friend group, raise your hand!”

All 4 hands immediately shot up. Even Penelope, shy as she was, seemed really happy about this. I blushed at all the attention. To tell the truth, outside of Samantha, I didn’t have many friends. Oh sure, I was popular in high school. But that faded after graduation. Everyone moved on. Samantha was my BFF though, it seems we’d always be together, no matter what. Still, it was nice to make new friends like this. Even if they were a little strange, they seemed like good people!

We all chatted for a while longer, until the meeting was over. Dustin called out to the room, “Alright everyone, that's our time! You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Safe travels!”

We all started heading to the door as Jarod spoke up. “You know Tara, we have a little tradition in our group. After meetings, we all go out and get pizza. Wanna join us?”

My stomach rumbled. “Yeah absolutely, I’m pretty hungry. Let’s go!”

We all went out. As we were leaving the school, my phone rang. I checked it and saw my mom’s name pop up. I stopped momentarily as I answered it.

“Hey Mom, what’s up? … He what? Is he ok? … I’ll be right there!”

I quickly hung up and turned to see my new friends looking at me with concern. “Sorry guys, that was my mom. My brother is in the hospital, getting his appendix removed! I have to go see him, I’ll take a rain check on that pizza.”

With that, I rushed off to the hospital. By the time I got there, he was already being prepped for surgery. There was nothing I could do except wait. Mom said to just go home and she would keep me updated. He was gonna be fine. So reluctantly, I left. The surgery was a success, thank goodness, and I was able to visit him the next day. I think you know the rest.

Chapter 4 End