The rest of the weekend passed without incident. I ended up attending the rest of the con, but as far as I could tell, Mel did not. I stayed far away from her and her dorm, as I didn’t wanna risk running into her again. I was done, and I meant it. The only time I would contact her again would be to get my stuff back and that would be it. I would never have to talk to her again.

And yet, part of me regretted my actions. I hadn’t even given Mel a chance to react to the news before I ran away. Her words had deeply hurt me, and her apology wasn’t any better. Still, she deserved to at least have some closure, say what she needed to about it ending. Against my better judgment, that Sunday after the con had ended, I called her.

After a few rings, she picked up. “Hello?”

“Hello Melissa, it’s Michelle. We need to talk.” I said, sternly.

“Oh, it’s you,” she said coldly. “Didn’t you say enough the other day? I thought you didn’t want anything more to do with me?”

“Well I’m still mad at you. I just feel you deserve to give your side of things. Maybe now that some time has passed, I can explain why that hurt me so much. Plus, you still have some of my clothes. I need those back. Meet me at the park by your place in a half hour. That’s a neutral enough location to talk this out.”

“Fine, if you insist. I’ll be there. See you soon,” she hung up. I sure did hope I was doing the right thing.

A half hour later, I was sitting on a bench in the park. I looked around and checked the time on my phone, was she gonna show? Maybe I was wasting my time. No way she’d wanna talk to me after I had broken up with her like that the other day. I should just leave and forget about this. I’d just buy more clothes or something. As I got up to leave though, Mel arrived.

“Hello Michael,” she said in the same cold tone as earlier. Her words cut me like a knife, calling me by that name. She hadn’t used it in over a month at this point, not since I started going by Michelle. But I did my best to endure it.

“I’m glad you made it,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting you to actually show. But can you please not call me ‘Michael’? You know I like ‘Michelle’ better.”

“Ugh, see I don’t get that about you! You say you’re not a girl, but you insist on being called a girl’s name and dressing up like one! Why can’t you just pick a side and stick with it? I thought I was dating a cute femboy, not, whatever you got going on now.”

“So we’re just gonna get down to brass tax then huh? Fine. You wanna know the truth? I don’t know the answer! Don’t you think I want to just pick a side? I literally can’t, cause I barely know what I want anymore. The more I dress up, the less I wanna stop. It feels good, but I don’t know why that is. Being a girl at the con felt amazing, even if it was just cosplay. But now that I’m back to just being me, I don’t hate it. I wish I had a better answer for you, but this is it. You can either accept that, or go back to your dorm now.”

She was silent for a moment. “This really means a lot to you, doesn’t it? More than I thought originally. We were having a lot of fun at first. Especially when we bought you all those clothes. I really wish you’d wear those more, you look cute in them. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry. I was focused too much on how I felt, that I didn’t see I was hurting you. I shouldn’t have called you a man back at the con, but I was in a bad mood. When that happens, I get depressed. I can’t control it. Please, can we try again? I don’t wanna lose you like this!” Mel was practically begging at this point.

I sighed. “After all that, you expect me to take you back? You outed me in front of a convention full of strangers, all over a lost plushie! I found it by the way, it was at the diner. That’s why I mentioned food. If you had just waited a few seconds, I could have explained it to you!”

“You’re right, I jumped to conclusions instead of hearing you out. I screwed up, I see that now. I was devastated when you broke up with me like that and ran away. I just want one more chance, please. I know I can make it right if you let me. Can you find it in your heart to give me a chance?” She pleaded, she was clearly desperate at this point. 

I was torn, did I really want to give her another chance? After everything she’d done to me? A big part of me wanted to walk away, here and now. Just end it and let her go. And yet, another part of me still felt guilty for how I’d gone about it. Maybe I should give her another shot, she might really start to improve!

“Alright, fine. One more chance. Amanda is having a party at her parent’s place on Halloween. We can go there together. All goes well, then we go back to business as usual and just forget all of this ever happened. But I expect you to be on your best behavior for this. One more outburst and I won’t look back this time. Am I clear?” I made sure to put emphasis on the last part. I hoped she would get the message.

“Crystal clear Michelle. No outbursts, I promise,” she said, starting to sound a bit warmer.

“Good. But for now, I would like to take my clothes back. I’ll find some way to hide them at home. Maybe I’ll put them in Tara’s old room or something, no one looks in the closet there anymore. At least, not unless we got company staying over.”

So with that, we went over to her dorm and retrieved the clothes I was storing there. I had felt kind of bad about keeping them there, as the room wasn’t that big to begin with. She had insisted it wasn’t that big of a deal and had them stored in a bin. At least this way, I could put them in my car without arousing any suspicion. Last thing I wanted was to draw attention to the fact that I was carrying girl’s clothes. So with that, I said my farewells and went home. I just hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake here…

__________________

A couple weeks later, it was the night of the party. Getting into costume had been tricky, I ended up having to change up at Mel’s dorm. Luckily her roommate wasn’t in, apparently she was working on a project in another part of the building. If push came to shove, this would be something I missed, having a private place to put on my girl clothes. Luckily, I had been practicing doing makeup and had at least a decent handle on it by now. Nowhere near as good as Tara, but it would suffice for the party. Once we were both in costume, we headed out.

Amanda only lived about a 10 minute drive from my place, which still made it a decent distance from Mel’s dorm. It was a pain to drive all that way, but hopefully it would be worth it. Soon the two of us pulled up in front of the house. It was a really nice place, in a good neighborhood. Her dad and step-mom loved having parties there, especially in the summer with their above ground pool in the backyard. Still, there was more than enough space for a fun party indoors.

We went up to the front door and rang the doorbell, and a moment later Amanda appeared. She was wearing a black cat costume, drawn on whiskers and nose included. She’s a bit on the tall side for a girl, maybe about my height with a slim build. She looked us over for a second, before realizing who we were. “Michael? Is that you? Holy shit, I hardly recognized you in that costume!”

“Hi Amanda, good to see you. Nice costume, but isn’t that what you wore last year? And the year before that?” I asked, jokingly.

“It’s a good costume, better to not let it go to waste by buying a new one every year. Never mind about me though, why the hell are you wearing that?”

“Oh, right, the dress,” I let out an exaggerated sigh. “You’re gonna laugh, but I lost a bet to Mel. See, when we were picking out costumes for the anime con this year, I wanted to go as Ash Ketchum. But Mel insisted I’d look better as Dawn. So we had a Pokémon battle in our games, and the winner got to pick my costume… She absolutely thrashed me! I seriously had no idea she was that good! So here I am, wearing this stupid thing. Oh well, after tonight I never have to wear it again!”

“Aw come on, you look adorable!” Mel said. “Besides, I told you not to underestimate me. You just didn’t listen,” she shrugged. We had rehearsed this in the car on the way down, just to make sure we had our story straight. I wasn’t ready to come out to Amanda yet, considering I had no idea what to tell her.

Amanda burst out laughing. “Oh my gosh, that’s rich! She’s right though, you do look adorable Michael! Oh I gotta get a picture of this!” She pulled out her smartphone and got a picture of us in the doorway. I blushed a bit and rolled my eyes.

“Can we please come in now? It’s chilly out here and you’re probably letting out all the warm air. We’d like to enjoy the party.”

“Alright, alright. Come on in!” She stepped aside and the two of us went in. The party was in full swing, people were all over the living room and kitchen area, even the sun room in back. Her parents were here, supervising everything and generally having a good time themselves. While her two younger brothers were parked in front of the tv, watching a movie. Honestly, outside Amanda’s family, I didn’t know anyone here. Still, Mel and I went to have some drinks and mingle for a while.

Unlike the con, here I couldn’t hide the fact that I was a guy. I wasn’t wearing my falsies, as much as I wanted to. I was afraid it would look like too much effort being put into going “in drag”. It was a shame, I really liked wearing those for whatever reason. They felt nice on my chest. So I’d have to endure for now.

As the night went on, we had fun with everyone there. I had been drinking a little, but made sure to pace myself and limit my alcohol consumption. After all, I did need to drive Mel back home later. At one point, we decided to take a break in the living room. The couch was open, so we took a seat. As we did, apparently Amanda’s brothers, Mark and Joey, finally took notice of me and my costume. The kids were 11 and 8 respectively, I’d known both since they were just babies. It took them a moment to register who I was, I guess seeing me in a dress and wig threw them off. Mark was the first to speak up.

“Michael? Why are you dressed like a girl?” he asked with a look of confusion on his face.

“Ah well, like I told your sister, I lost a bet with my girlfriend here and she made me do it. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I can live with it for one night,” I replied, trying to sound sincere.

“Well why did you do that? That’s a dumb bet.”

“Heh, you’ll understand when you’re older kiddo. Trust me, when you find someone like this, you’d do practically anything for them.”

Joey had been rather quiet, just staring at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Honestly, he was starting to creep me out, until he finally spoke up. “You look pretty Michael,” he said simply.

I was surprised by his words, this kid rarely spoke to me. Yet, with that, I could see something in his eyes. A spark of curiosity perhaps? It was hard to tell. Whatever it was, clearly I’d caught his attention.

“Well thank you Joey, that’s very sweet of you to say. But after tonight, I’m never wearing this again. It was a silly bet and after this, I’ve paid up. That’s all there is to it,” I responded casually. None of it was true, of course. I would absolutely wear this outfit again. It was cute and it made me feel good, but I wasn’t gonna tell them that.

“That’s a shame, I think it suits you. You should keep it, maybe you’ll change your mind or something,” he suggested. Now his brother was starting to give him weird looks.

“Seriously Joey? What are you, gay?” Mark asked in a nasty tone.

That got on my nerves, he was just a kid! There was no need for name calling, especially that! “Hey now, leave him be. I’m fine with what he said, he’s allowed to give an opinion without name calling. Do I need to tell your sister about this? Or maybe your parents?” I meant it too, I would absolutely tell Amanda about this if he didn’t apologize.

“Fine,” Mark said. “I’m sorry for calling you gay Joey. But you’re still acting really weird!”

Joey shrugged. “I was just saying what I was thinking. Dunno why, I just think he looks pretty as a girl. I wonder if I’d look pretty in a dress like that?”

Now he had my attention, he was starting to sound like me! I looked over at Mel to see if she heard what I did, but she was busy resting her head on my shoulder. So she wasn’t paying much attention.

“Well clothes are just clothes. If you wanna try on a dress, why not go for it? Halloween is a great time for wearing something you normally wouldn’t, you’re supposed to be in costume anyways. Why not wear a dress as a costume? That’s what I’m doing, even if it wasn’t my choice. Maybe it’s too late this year, but you could always try next year if you still want to. You’re young, you have all the time in the world to figure out what you want. And if right now you wanna try on a dress? I say go for it!”

Joey’s face lit up at that, he seemed really excited at the prospect of being able to wear a dress! Mark seemed much less enthusiastic, but kept his mouth shut, lest I tell his sister what he said. With that, the two of them went back to watching their movie. Hopefully Joey would take my words to heart. If he wanted to be pretty, he should be able to do it! Ultimately though, considering his age, it would be up to his parents whether or not he could even try it.

The party went on and things were actually going really well! Mel had actually been behaving with no meltdowns, and genuinely we were having a great time. The only thing was that she was going a bit heavier on the drinks than me. By this time, I was only on my third hard root beer (I disliked the taste of regular beer), while she was already on her fifth beer. I told her to slow down a bit, neither of us were heavy drinkers. But this seemed to be her way of enjoying the party, so I didn’t question it further.

By the time I finished my third drink, I had a nice buzz going. This seemed like a good time to stop, so I’d be ok to drive in a bit. I’d stick to non-alcoholic drinks from this point on. But Mel was onto her sixth drink and I could tell she was really feeling them. She was starting to get really chatty with everyone and kind of handsy with me. Still, it didn’t hamper my enjoyment. I figured I’d cut her off when she was done with this one. But as we were talking with Amanda, something slipped.

“Isn’t this great Michelle?” Mel asked me. I froze, what did she just call me?

“Haha, I’m sorry, what? Uh, who’s Michelle? That your ex or something?” I laughed, trying to play it off as a joke.

She had a look of confusion on her face. “Huh? Isn’t that your name though? You’re always going on and on about how you hate being called Michael and want me to call you Michelle instead. Why change that now?”

My eyes went wide. No no no, not now Mel! This is definitely not the time or place for this! Not when these people don’t know that side of me!

“Michael? What is she talking about?” Amanda asked, a mix of confusion and worry on her face. I had to think fast if I was gonna get out of this! I had an idea, I just hoped it would work.

I burst out laughing. "Oh my gosh, isn't she funny? Mel's been calling me that ever since the anime con. Fun little nickname. I told her, only she can call me that. Clearly, that’s the alcohol talking. Could you excuse us for a moment? We’re gonna go get some air." With that, I grabbed Mel’s hand and pulled her outside to the front porch.

Once we were out there, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Mel, seriously!? You nearly outed me to my best friend! I’m not ready to tell her, I’m not ready to tell anyone who doesn’t already know! What am I supposed to say? That I like dressing up as a girl and being called Michelle, but I still like being a guy? She’d call me a pervert and toss me out of her life so fast, my head would spin!”

“Make up your mind! First you don’t want me to call you a man, now you don’t want me to call you Michelle, well which is it? What do you want from me?” She asked in her drunken state.

“I want you to help me! Cover for me! I’m not ready to come out yet. So in the general public and around people who don’t know, I expect you to continue to call me Michael and a guy. When it’s just the two of us, or we’re around someone who DOES know, THEN you can call me Michelle. There’s a time and a place for these things, this isn’t it!”

“This is ridiculous, I can’t keep up with this! Just pick a side already! Are you a boy or a girl? Choose one and stick with it, I’m done pretending!”

“Pretending? You were PRETENDING?! Fine, I see how it is then! You never truly cared about me, did you? You wanted a toy, a doll to play with and dress up! But when I turned out to be more complex than you thought, you stopped caring. Yet, you held onto me, begged me for a second chance! And for what, so you could play with me a little longer? Well guess what, I’m done playing, and I’m done with you! I’m taking you home, then I NEVER want to talk to you again! Am I clear?!”

“But wait, Michelle, I love you!” She pleaded. “I didn’t mean it like that, I think I’ve just had too much to drink…”

“You know what they say about alcohol, it’s a truth serum. It exposes someone’s true face, and now I’ve seen yours. I’m done. I thought we could make this work, but clearly your heart isn’t in it. There’s no point in continuing if that’s the case.” I said coldly. It was time for her to get a taste of her own medicine. Without another word, I went out to my car, grabbed my change of clothes, then went back inside to see Amanda.

“Hey, is everything ok?” Amanda asked. “Even over the music, we heard yelling.”

I sighed. “Sorry about that, we had a fight. I’m just gonna take her home, she’s drunk and honestly, I don’t wanna deal with her anymore tonight. But before I go, can I use your bathroom real quick?”

“Uh yeah, sure. You know where it is. I hope you two are gonna be alright,” she said with worry in her voice.

I just shook my head and went into the bathroom to change. A few minutes later, I was back in my normal clothes. Plain, old me again. As usual, I hated this part. Why did I have to take it off? Why couldn’t I just stay that way? The answer, of course, was that I was too scared and confused to tell anyone. I didn’t understand it myself, how could I expect anyone else to understand? Until I could figure it out, it had to remain a secret.

With that, I said goodbye to Amanda. I apologized again for ditching so early, but I didn’t have much choice at the moment. Mel was still out on the porch, crying. It took every ounce of strength in me not to apologize for what I said, cause I had meant every word of it. This time, there was no going back. I led her out to the car and hopped in myself. Silently, we drove back to her dorm.

A half hour or so later, we arrived. I walked her inside and made sure she got up to her dorm room safely. Even if I didn’t want to date her anymore, that didn’t mean I wanted anything bad to happen to her. I wasn’t a monster! Finally, once she was settled in, I went back to my car. Now that I was alone, hit me at once. I broke down, sobbing. This was it, no more Mel. What she said had deeply wounded me, yet I didn’t wanna let go. 

Change was scary and difficult, but sometimes it was for the best. I couldn’t stand how she had treated me! I had become a doormat and let her walk all over me. No more! I couldn’t keep doing that to myself! I needed a clean break. So I sat there and cried my eyes out. I had to let her go. A little while later, I had calmed down somewhat. It was time to go. I turned the key in the ignition and headed for home.

Chapter 11 End