Aether System
Name: Andras
Tier 1
Bonded Guai: 3/4
Titles: Otherworlder (2)
Perks:
Talents:
Attributes
Explosiveness: C
Mass: D-
Dexterity: C-
Tenacity: C
Proprioception: A+
Focus: B-
Intent: S
Impact: C
Bonded Guai
Ingrid: Body Type - Fighting, Smithing - Tier 4 - Bond: Interest
Mara: Nature & Mental Type - Wind, Foresight - Tier 6 - Bond: Distrust
Frey: Earth & Body Type - Steel, Blood - Tier 20 - Bond: Hesitation
I took a little bit of time to check over my Status, as twilight begun to fall and us four left the warmth of the barn to the chilly breeze of the coming night. I’d asked, here and there, not that there was much time, and I’d come to learn a few things. I mostly asked about three things. Titles, of which I had to, but one was hidden, and Attributes, which were graded instead of being numbered, and I felt that this gave an upper limit which was too easy to reach, I already had in one. Titles could be many, given to you by the people around you, They could also come with levels depending on how many people new of that title. If Crocket was awakened, he would have a Chicken Farmer Title of sorts of at least some level. Possibly X or even Higher. Titles had effect though the details where unknown, and only the effects of one title could be felt at one time, the Title which the User equipped. I kept otherworlder as the other was F Rank Trainer, and that seemed too banal.
The most interesting reveal about this system so far was how the Attributes worked. For the average adult male like me, C grade was considered the average for the First Four. D Grade the average for the last three, the Mind attributes.
Except for impact, which was special. That much had been stressed.
They could grow with training, and with a whole lot of different ways. Bonding, Capturing, Growing bonds, a healthy diet, meditation. The list went on. The problem remained if that is all there was to it, of the fact that S seemed like the peak.
The Solution I was presented with was simple. They were all Average, for the Tier I was in. A+ Meant that in that Attribute I was in the One percent for Tier 1 awakened. S Meant that I was special, beyond normal measures. Only a handful could have an S.
When I Advanced a Tier, my attributes would chance Grade, to match the average of Tier 2, so on and so forth. It was an interesting system and a change of pace to what I expected. This meant that the Aether System, had some sort of database, or collective center which took into account all the information of its awakened in this Realm, and changed its presentation to match the Awakened living at the time.
To cut this review short, because I could feel Ingrid calling to me, When I advance a Tier, which shouldn’t take too long, a Process that needed active meditation and choice.
When it came to The Bonds, and their curious descriptions. I hadn’t yet asked about. It felt personal, like I was peering into them, and while they probably knew I could see that information, I didn’t want to bring it to the forefront yet. I can only face my sad end if I try to tell Mara that I can clearly see she is ‘Acting indifferent.’ I shivered and lost my train of thought.
“There you go. All I had to do was shake you till your head almost fell off.” Ingrid wiped sweat of her brow.
“Sorry. I was caught deep into my review. This system, the world in general is so new and interesting still. I wonder about the value of returning to earth just to see them struggle to figure things out, in a month or two when I’ve grown used to it.”
“I’d say you better stop thinking about gloating to those of your Realm Race, and focus on the now. At any moment we could see a Fox Guai which has defeated and subsequently eaten a Chicken Guai of Tier 10 in Battle before, without as much of a scratch to her Person.” Mara said. “If I can give my opinion. I think she is hungry and desperate, maybe she is partly taking revenge on humans.”
“Why would she want to take revenge? This Village has nothing to do with her forest. And there is so much free land in this realm… I find it hard to believe she couldn’t find a source of food, somewhere out there.
“It’s more than that. I went around town and asked earlier today, while you were taking your nap?” She cocked her head to the side and I almost felt a smile lurking somewhere. “Anyhow. I’d known about this before… Coming to FairyCo Tower. The Confederation, Soap-Land Confederation is made up of so many little nations, principalities, and heads of state. And these little guys are constantly at war, the Elected emperor’s role is to quelm those conflicts.”
“War seemed to have broken out between neighboring principalities. Over Charwood Forest, a specific resource in fact, which they seem to think comes natural but is most probably created through an intricate network of interactions between organisms with the Guai of the forest at their core. Though Humans tend to ignore things like Ecosystems, and the importance of leaving things as they were. They destroyed her home, for war, killed her people, and take what is hers. She needs to eat, and she can’t leave, for she is not a wild beast, she is a Guai and that is her home. The war has contiued as neither side won, fortresses are being built on two edges of the forest and war is raging inside of it. Do you understand?” I could tell Mara was speaking from experience. The story of her capture most probably followed that line as well, I could tell she was invested in not only getting this quest finished, but finding a solution that would help her companion in suffering.
“Then it’s important that we talk to her. I was going to suggest this, but Elise as well, said we should capture her.” That got a reaction out of all of them. “At the very least we should have a talk, and while I don’t know what it means to capture, we can release her afterward. We should at least listen. Thanks for all that information Mara, how did you even get it?”
“At the end of the day. Is listening going to be enough? No matter what she tells us, it won’t stop the war, the deaths it has caused. Its curse won’t lift. We can’t don nothing about it.”
“Despite how correct your conclusion is Ingrid, I’ll add here, that just knowing is important. Acknowledgment is a crucial step in the process of healing. She should know that someone is trying to understand, she needs to understand. Putting things into words and having others feel for your pain, is very important.”
“You seem knowledgeable.” Mara raised a brow, her brows shone with a golden glimmer in the night, so glossy was her hair, that it outshone the three moons in the sky, not sullied even as it was cast upon the dirt of the chicken farm.
“I’m not an expert. I’m just saying what helped.”
We would have no time to further touch upon the subject, which was touchy all on its own. For a figure cast in shadow and silver light flew over the Fence at the edge of the village, not a hundred meters from us. She had three tails as big as her body trailing behind her, and two sharp triangular ears visible even from such a distance, she sprinted forth in absolute silence, no grass or wind, or rock, was heard.
She zipped lightning fast, but Frey was the storm itself as she had already unfolded her wings and with a mighty flap she blasted for the Fox Guai, a ruckus of cluck broke out around us.
Every living being in the area was alerted, and her opponent halted. She stared towards Frey, her blue piercing eyes, sharp like the edge of blade.
Talons forward, Frey went to skewer the fox but she caught nothing but air as the form cast in shadow spun with the attack and bent her back, letting the attack fly over, but from atop Frey, Mara jumped down, having had the reflexes to grasp on.
Her swiping elbows did not hold back, so fast and sharp they left white lines in the air which they cut. The fox parried, blood splattered on Mara and the ground, in pain the fox dodged the rest with gymnastic lunges backwards to gain distance.
She flashed and snarled which revealed her face under the mess that was her black glossy hair. She was filthy, and thin, and her skin seemed yellow, her lips were dry and her eyes bloodshot. There was saliva dried on her chin, and even now it dripped from her mouth. Her Tails flared out, giant hooks ready to catch some fish. She made to move forth but Ingrid was waiting for that. She brought her hands, clasped together, down for a hammer strike, but with a twisted smile the fox mocked her. She faked Ingrid out and spun around, the hammer strike hit the dirt and cracks formed in the packed earth.
The three tails caught fire and morphed into one, as long as I was tall. They slammed into Ingrid, bathed in flames and exploded sending Ingrid tumbling and on fire, she screamed in pain, her fur quickly catching on. I rushed to her. With dirt and grass and my suit’s jacket which I had packed along I quickly put it out.
I turned back to the fight and saw The fox just inches from my face, her claws hungered to rend my flesh. “Watch out!” Ingrid screamed, it was too late. I couldn’t even blink in the time left.
Frey was there in the nick of time, she stomped down on the fox’s arm and I heard it crack under the weight of the enormous woman. Her talons cut into flesh. Frey did not relent, she came bearing down with fist and nail but the Fox’s eyes of blue shone with a purple hue, my heart sank, I felt it coming. I pushed with my legs and lunged.
The night lit up to the purple of her eyes and the farm came alive with the scorching fire of her piercing spears. From above and below they aimed to tear into Frey. I pushed her with all I had and she fell out of balance.
The attack descended upon me. “ANDRAS!” Mara and Ingrid screamed. “FREY!” Her surprise burst forth in her voice.
I Spun on myself with what footing I had left, in the air like a toy I turned, hoping to match pace with the spears. One shot up and caught on my leathers armor and the shirt inside of it, it seared them open and took to the night sky, it exploded like a firework. While the other, so close to me it was, that it seared my back, a fierce line deep into the meat. It hit the ground before me and washed the dirt with a coat of char. I fell down to the earth alive, but at what cost.
“AGHHAAA!” I exclaimed. ‘Fuck just being alive, this hurts!’ My flesh had melted, my spine was probably touched by that spear, the pain was so intense I foamed at the mouth, the world spun and I spasmed like a fish out of water.
Ingrid was up, her leg blurred forth with her veins burning orange under her skin, she left an after image of orange power as she unleashed a devastating kick to the Fox who had been stun locked after my attempted sacrifice. Her claws though, managed to reach out and grasp onto me. She took me with her as she flew, spewing blood from her broken ribs piercing into her organs. I can’t even describe what happened next. I heard some cracks as I tumbled. I can’t say what was damaged and what not. I could have broken my neck and I wouldn’t be able to tell.
I looked and saw the Fox rushing to me, I was naked and scratched from waist up, my head could be bleeding it felt cold compared to my back, my skin there melting like cheese fondue.
The Fox Grabbed me, sending a burst of flame to the ground to kick up dirt and stone. She tossed me over her shoulder and turned around. I could see more than hear Ingrid shouting at Mara, who looked to me with hesitation, I knew in that moment that she would not come in time.
The guy barely arrived in the world and already tried to kill himself. I bet he'll get scolded by his girls about how stupid he is for jump on directly on the madness while he's still fragile as glass.
And that's if the fox doesn't kill him (sexually or otherwise)
Titles had effect though the details where unknown,
were
depending on how many people new of that title.
knew
Titles, of which I had to, but one was hidden
two
I found it very hard to follow what was happening during the fight. For example, I find this very hard to parse:
Talons forward, Frey went to skewer the fox but she caught nothing but air as the form cast in shadow spun with the attack and bent her back, letting the attack fly over, but from atop Frey, Mara jumped down, having had the reflexes to grasp on.
Imo, there are two things you could improve on.
Firstly, do not string actions together like in the quote above, especially when you change perspective in between (firstly, we see Frey take action -> the reader imagines this attack from her perspective. Then, with "... the form [...] spun [...], letting the attack fly over, ...", the fox is the figure that is acting -> perspective change to the fox, then again we change perspective to Mara's point of view). I had to read this multiple times to understand what was happening here, so try not to change perspective too much by stringing action sequences together. You could also start the action by describing the (roungh) plan the group has when engaging the fight (who is in the front line, etc.) and how much that works.
Secondly, try to focus more on the overall narrative. Action for its own sake may work for movies where you can present a lot of information to the audience in a sequence (participant's looks, movement, speech, their surroundings, etc.) and it is entertaining in its own right, in text the reader has to do the work to piece together what the scene looks like. So you want to narrate with a more "zoomed-out" look of the action. You have to more clearly convey what the scene is about (motivations, thoughts, only important actions), the reader does not have to know the whole coreography of the fight.
For example, in this fight you may want to get across:
-the group are capable fighters, but uncoordinated and inexperienced and lacking trust in each other
-the fox seems very dangerous, maybe mentally unstable (attacked an unknown group of 4, did not flinch when an arm was presumably broken, emaciated?, bloodshot eyes)
-what are the repercussions from the girls' perspective if Andras died?
or maybe something similar. Focus on getting those points across, maybe from Andras' perspective watching the fight and his thoughts/feelings. It is important to establish a narrative for the reader to stick to, for example:
the group is inexperienced -> they get attacked by a seemingly maniacle opponent before they can come up with a strategy -> Mara does not even seem to trust in this group -> because of that the fight is chaotic, they get overwhelmed and they lose Andras
Establish facts about the situation, then let consequences follow from those facts.
One further minor point: You seem to use phrases/idioms I have never heard before like:
‘f*ck just being alive, this hurts!’
or
she came bearing down with fist and nail
no grass or wind, or rock, was heard
It is easy to stumble over those phrases during reading, disturbing the reading flow. I am guessing you are not a native speaker, so I think you should be a bit more careful when using idioms.