“Hey.” I didn’t know how long had passed in the peace and comfort of a warm hug. I just decided to speak. “Sorry about all this, You are the one with the most immediate problem, mine are old stories which I’ve told countless times. Instead I used you for counseling.” I couldn’t help but be honest.
“Counseling?” She looked up at me from our hug, her foxy eyes. Smokey and hot, their blue so deep, staring into them felt like swimming in arctic waters looking up from the depths at the blue bottom of an iceberg, penguins and whales swam about me, circling, dancing.
“Yeah, see, in my world we don’t have magic. So we had to fight against nature, and our nature as humans a lot to afford some luxuries for ourselves. That lead to the development of so many problems in our mental health, we forgot how to live, my father was one such case, lost in misery and darkness, he took his despair out on me. I worked hard and paid for counseling, I wanted to fix myself, to be better. I went to a person who’d studied everything we knew about the human mind and how it worked and we talked things out. It took years, but I got better. Though this outburst I just had probably doesn’t reinforce that idea much.”
“No, you are right. I bet you struggled a lot with your choice, to run away that is. Am I not man enough to hurt him the way he did? Why should I let go? He should, he is in the wrong. I can see were you came from. My thoughts aren’t so different. Though, I want to say that the scale is.”
“I wouldn’t fault you. My issue is deeply personal and the only thing I carry is myself. I can only disappoint myself. Only I know. But you, you carry the burden of your people, to make right by them. It’s a burden I can’t imagine.”
Silence swallowed us back up, yet it wasn’t the silence of isolation, or fear. A burden it may be now, but once that tribe was a sunny day, a spring breeze, the buzz of a beehive, or the trickle of a cold stream. Some days it was rain, and others a storm, but most days it was peace and calm.
“Andras. I want to live.” She had nuzzled up to me, her ears tickled my chin and neck, her left cheek was over my heart, her eyes were closed and there were tears rolling down her eyes. It was a hard declaration to make. What was she sacrificing in her mind? Maybe to her, this was as good as throwing away everything good that has ever been done to her. I wouldn’t let her be alone in this. I’d go a step further.
“I hear you. I do too. I never want to give up on my life, again. I can’t believe I’m about to say this. But I’m thankful to my father. He kept me alive, even if it was for his own selfish purpose… Now more than ever I am happy to be alive. Magic, Guai, Spells, Systems. So many things I would have never known had I died, when I feel as if I was made for this.”
“I’ve messed up, haven’t I?”
“Apparently. But I do think I know of a single option to make it all… Right, at least the pressing issues. At my current strength I can’t help you with the forest.”
“What is that option?”
“Both the Clerk at the Guild, and my Guai, told me to Capture you if I can. But how do I do that. Send my Aether into you?” I asked.
“I know, so let’s do it.” She changed her posture, a smile came to her lips, she ran a hand from my chin down past my chest to my stomach and onto my crotch. She grasped it softly and came forward to whisper right into my ear. “To Capture a Guai, means to have Sex with it. If you inseminate me with your seed. That is a Capture, something changes within a Guai the first time that happens. If you send in Aether at the same time, and We perform the ceremony on our own, we can bond as well. Do you have space for one more?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then I’ll be yours, and they won’t be able to take me away, the world may fall. Only you can release me from that bond.” My skull buzzed with the whisper, my brain tingled from the chain reaction of neuron explosions that were happening.
“Wait are you being serious? It can’t be that easy? I mean, not that you are easy. I just meant… I don’t even know your name.”
“That, is certainly Easy.” She was now on top of me. I felt floating on clouds, her tails of raven black with a white tip proving a perfect mattress. Her legs cradled me on either side. Only now I noticed that she was absolutely naked, the same as she was born. Her untouched flower pressed on the crotch of my pants, but with her claws caught on them they were about to be no more. “I’m Temesia. The Last Fox Guai of the Charwood Forest. And I want you to Make me your bonded. Stop dawdling and become my Trainer.” I grabbed onto her wrist and took it off my pants. I would need those to return to the city.
I took them off myself and then pulled her to me. Our most sensitive places touched and I could already feel a fire rise within me, my blood begun to rush. My veins engorged, green and blue rivers on my penis.
I kissed her, at first a peck, then a shower of them. I held onto her head from the back, softly caressing it, to lull her into opening up. From pecks it turned to a passionate French kiss, I felt her body, and the bones on her shoulders, her ribs which I could almost pick individiually, her wounds had healed but the effects of malnutrition wouldn’t disappear so easily. I Tried not to dwell on those thoughts. During sex, nothing but the pleasure you seek to feel, and you want to make your partner feel, must occupy your mind, and she seemed uninterested in opening up that can of worms again.
‘Oh, I need to remember to keep my breathing in check.’
She was the one to initiate a rougher kind of play. With a little moan that turned into a growl she chomped down on my shoulder. It hurt, and she knew it did.
I bit her neck, right below the ear, on the soft pink skin. I pinched her nipples and she laughed. I stopped and pulled away. That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. "Don't look at me with pity Andras. As I said. I'm Temesia, a Charwood Fox, and a Tier 12 Guai. This is gonna be more rough on you than me underfed as I am." She said with a challenging smile, I felt like Sisyphus staring up that mountain and the impossible task before him, but also like Leonidas with the courage to take on anything.
I took her words to heart, I chomped hard on her right nipple, and smiled in pleasure at her yelp. "Yaong!" Her smile grew wider, even as blood begun to well up on the sensitive skin.
She pulled on my hair, violently, and my teeth scraped her nipple even harder as a result. She took that pain in stride, her flower begun grow wet with warm nectar. I sucked her tongue into my mouth and bit on it, and she dug her hard, black like the night nails, into my back. {GUH!} I grunted and pulled her hair with too much strength. Her head snapped back I grabbed her neck and squeezed, moving it aside at the same time and I sank my teeth in the flesh above her collar bone. Yet I failed to actually penetrate the skin.
"You're gonna have to use more force than that Andras. This vixen can handle anything you put out.”
Despite her words she came to me softly for an exchange of lusting kisses, searching for something more in the sopping smack of lips and push and pull of tongues. I let all my inhibitions go, she may look malnourished, but she was stronger, better, and non-humam, this is what she liked, and I would go along, if that is what I had to do to Capture her. I pulled her up from the ass and begun unleashing slaps with all my power on her bottom. My hand soon left an imprint, and not much later it begun to ooze blood. When it had turned purple and the pain settled in, she smiled and pushed me away.
I fell upon a bed of her fluffy tails. She interlocked our fingers and pushed me down, I knew to push back up. She put her weight in one direction and I pushed from the other, we tumbled around and then I was on top. She tucked her knees up to her breasts and shot me up and around with complete ease as if I was a toy. That wouldn’t do. I Set myself to the ground and we stayed locked in, like to goats clashing heads. Then, all of a sudden, I let go. She inched forward, lost balance. I slapped her across the face, she scratched me on my thigh. I took her hair from the base and pulled her aside, ignoring the searing pain. I Bit on her neck and felt her blood this time, mixed in with her sweat it smelled of rose marmalade.
She tripped me and I fell down, on top of me again we tussled again, one side and then the other. This time I had another card up my sleeve. I freed my right arm with pushed it for her flower, she defended intensely, both legs closed and her arms reached there and locked my wrist in place, away from it. “Not so easy~” She smiled even wider when I placed a kiss upon her lips, painting them red with her blood. Her saliva tasted of coal charred Chestnuts. She melted into the kiss and as she let me push her down I didn’t come with. In moments I had flipped around. My penis was suddenly shoved, erection all right on her face, and my head was locked in between her legs, she had reacted too late.
I went on the real attack finally. She grabbed onto my butt and slapped it, trying to make me move, she bit on my thigh and drew blood, it trickled down her mouth and neck. Yet I didn’t let up, now was the time, my tongue ran over her clitoris with vigor. There was no technique there, but there was a rush of adrenaline brought from one literally fighting to the death for sex.
{Nh~} The first little moan came out and it hit me in the head. She shoved me away form her with a thrust of her waist. But it was groing weaker.
“Suck on it.” I ordered. At first she remained still, unsure. Then she begun to sniff it, even that tickle worked to make me harder. I brought my arms around her legs and begun work on her vagina with everything I had. I played, I sucked, I twisted and bit, I begun to wonder around her hole and ate up her growing wetness.
When she took it in her mouth for the first time, It was like I’d died and gone to heaven. Her saliva felt cool, her mouth felt tight, and just the idea was seductive enough to bring me to my knees. From the tip she traveled to further down until she chocked. She pulled out and begun coughing. Yet the moment she had chocked I had felt her whole body squirm, her wetness had grown exponentially. “This, this is a battle I can’t lose.” She decided.
I attacked harder, as I agreed, and then she took my member even deeper. She took it all to the base, hard as it was, she coughed and chocked all the while, and she just kept going, tiers fell down her eyes and snot grew wet in her nose, she couldn’t even breath and she lost a sense of what she was doing with her arms. They wrapped around my lower back and tore into my flesh. Yet she didn’t let go. Then, she vomited and it all fell on her face. She burnt it away and dove back in. This time she kept it in for a whole breathless minute, painful, choking, and yet it was now that I felt her reach a small climax, a little tremble to her thighs, she grew sloppy down there, and I smashed my fingers in, blood seeped out in pink and diluted by her liquids. ‘I just broke her hymen.”
She tried to pull out but I closed my thighs around her, and I fucked her throat right there and then. I did it with all the force I had. {GLUCK! GLUCK!} Came the wonderful sound.
I didn’t follow my rule and help my breath for those few short seconds. ‘STOP!’ I screamed in my mind and pulled away. Her throat closed around me with force. {GOP} It sounded as it popped out and all the stringy, sticky liquids followed.
I took out a water canteen form my bag and drank some, then gave the rest to her.
I watched her clear her face with fire once more, and the purple shine of her eyes behind that yellowish flame. “Enough of that. I was too close for comfort.” I came back down on her, I couldn’t stand more than I did, my legs were weak, blood painting me red to my ankles. I was about ready to give up, but both mind and body, didn’t want it. They wanted to cum inside Temesia. I smothered her with my body, suckling on the wound on her neck. I put my fists through her tails and to the hard ground below, I made her open her legs and put it in. It hurt, I could tell, despite how easy it went in. It was rough and slick, and it took me to the depths. 6 inches and more. Despite the pain Temesia only smiled. I felt the heat of her insides, my dick would not last long. “You win this time, Andras.”
I pulled out and shoved it back in, the slap of our flesh meeting resounded through the silent forest deep in the night. I looked around, and only then saw the charred corpse of a black wolf a distance away, it was only fresh, somehow she’d killed the starving predator while choking on my dick and didn’t even sweat it. I chuckled from the rush my little heart could not handle. As if on the last few moments of my life I took to pounding Temesia with desperation. Her thighs grew red, her voice hoarse, and her face purple as I put all my weight on her neck, with both hands. Her legs were on my shoulders and with my legs dug into the dirt far behind I fell with all my weight on her repeatedly, without break, or remorse.
I was close, and with as much force as I could muster I released inside of her, diving as deep as I could. She grasped onto my shoulder and arms, scratching me up even further, but she shoved at me, wanting to have her insides scraped out to the maximum. I searched for her womb, to make her pregnant without a sane though in my mind. Damned be the consequences. Her body shook, her wetness squeezed out with force and fell upon the ground like rain.
In those moment of insemination, of Capture I reminded myself to push my Aether into her. She gave back, and my head and heart felt about ready to explode as we completed the capture and formed a bond at the same time. I felt more, I felt whole, I felt twice as much as I should, and it was right. My dick pumped out cum, more than ever before, ten, twenty. One, Hundred, Times. A number never heard before, probably to the entirety of humans on earth. So overwhelming was the feeling of desperation from the wildness of the sex, and so intense were the emotions and feelings I took in from the newly formed Bond, from Temesia.
I took her into my arms and rolled over, with her to lay atop me. I showered her with little pecks, and she did as well. The afterglow of sex, such a feeling I had never tasted, I’d only ever felt guilt, at having felt good, or that the girl hadn’t orgasmed. Now. Now It was complete, an experience with no leftovers.
I patted the little tufts of fur on her elbows, and the fur on her ankles growing to below her knees, her feet of course were those of a fox. Her hands as well, had padding on the human palm, the skin on palms was rough. Her teeth were sharp, especially four of her fangs, and her tongue was thinner than mine, longer as well. Her nose felt wet, and it was sharp, pointy. There was fur on her nape, and down to her back all the way to its small, but it was so soft and warm, and sensitive, I couldn’t mind.
“Now, you are safe. You’ll live. I will as well. I couldn’t be more happy.” I said with a smile. “Let us train. Let us train till we reach heights our enemies could never have imagined. Let us form an unbeatable team with all the others and make our dreams come true. I have one, and so should you. Even if it is to live every day with a smile, or an adventure.”
“Sure.” She gave away her tiredness, but also her glee, more was said over the Bond than with words.
I sent her back a wave of my sleepiness. “But just not right now.” I said almost in a whisper, and my head fell back without support.
Firstly, your writing has a lot of phrases that seem unnatural to me. For example, instead of
I felt limitless.
I would probably write something like:
"I felt like I could do anything." or "I felt as if there was nothing holding me back anymore."
I can guess what you mean when I read it, but I doubt any human would know the feeling of limitlessness rather than feeling like you can do anything at a moment. You should probably look at some popular (smut) novels to get a better feel for what sounds natural.
Other examples are:
My veins engorged, green and blue rivers on my penis.
or
As my seed rose from within like a cimarron breaking over the river banks, it exploded forth, and her own wetness flooded my like a tsunami, her body shaking in ripples.
. Both invoke images in the reader that can become comical quite quickly (imagine an explosion meeting a tsunami from two peaple having sex, that is way too much to describe the climax). Also, I don't know what a "cimarron" is, even after googling it.
Secondly, try to better build a narrative here as well. You give the reader some descriptions of the character's feelings and actions, but there is not really a common thread the reader can use. At first, you establish that she is a virgin but determined to make this work at the cost of her own pleasure and he will be considerate of that. She is also malnourished and desperate, so he has to be considerate of that. You bring all of that up, but then it takes one a few sentences and they arrive at hardcore sex. From the protag, I expected a lot more probing/trying out what works and acting according to her reactions. Instead, it feels kind of unnatural, like he executes a program on how to act perfectly in this situation. It is also a bit annoying how what should be an emotional scene is deconstructed by him thinking in popculture references (padawan, poundtown). I really cheapens the scene (he is in an unknown world and could have easily been killed already but somehow seems to know that he is the protagonist).
Also, you can and should use s*x scenes to give more information to the reader about the characters that you can use later. Maybe she reacts unexpectedly to some stimuly/some words, maybe she has a big scar somewhere, etc., it can help you set up more in the future.
Also also, try to give your characters (especially the girls) different sexual preferences. This is important in a harem story as it helps distinguish the girls from each other. One of the biggest problems with harem stories is that the harem members become indistinguishable (especially in big harems). They should have different characters (which you do) but also different sexual preferences/kinks so that both character interactions and s*x scenes stay distinguishable and interesting for the reader (the novel Evan's Eldrich Emporium for example does this quite well if you want a reference).
That was very informative and I actually understand completely what you speak on, in all three of your points. Of course, I don't agree with exactly everything, I do think comedy has a place in sex, people are gonna think weird things and stuff is gonna happen that will produce laughter, but I also understand that this night was not the night for the protagonist. I do think I somehow missed the lay up, when I'd already done all the work. I failed to stick to the tone I'd set and I think that is jarring, now that I see someone else point it out for me.
I will also try to give the girls different kinks and preferences, and I think that you've been very helpful. I will soon have time to redo this scene. I will upload it and I hope you read it once more and give me your honest opinion again.
Thank you very much for your comment, this type of engagement and critic is what I've been looking for. I've never had the opportunity to have conversation like this about my writing. Even with people I know IRL, either they won't read it, or their say they like it, or even worse, they just won't talk about it. Thanks a bunch. Everyone else is welcome to speak on whatever they see fit. Make it rain.
Oh, also also, Cimarron is a Greek word I'm pretty sure, which I know from Spirit, the Stallion of the Cimarron, a dreamworks movie. It basically means a flooding river, or a river that takes with its mud and rock, and whatever else and becomes something dangerous, and wild. That's the idea.
I think this flows much better now, the fox also shows much more character. There are some smaller things that I would have expected to be written differently. One is when she first (unexpectedly) play-bites him. I would have expected him to react and speak up immediately ("Hey, what gives?" "Ouch!") instead of getting what seems to be commentary from a 3rd person perspective. The prose should be really immersive, so "the mental camera should stay zoomed in", what does Andras feel, smell, think and say in those exact moments. Secondly, this:
My d*ck pumped out cum, more than ever before, ten, twenty. One, Hundred, Times. A number never heard before, probably to the entirety of humans on earth.
I think sounds a bit clumsy, also if this is not Andras talking in hyperbole, I would have expected him to have a quick thought about how this is weird and how probably the forming of the bond is the reason. Instead there is again a kind of distanced 3rd person evaluation of this.
Also , you use too many metaphors/comparisons for my taste, though maybe that's just me.
Things I really liked were for once the exchange in the beginning where she laughs at him for being so soft on the apex predator of the forest and secondly at the end where he gives his rousing speach of how everything will be fine and how they will tackle the future but she does not care for tall words and just says "sure" (as she had made her choice anyway).
Thanks a lot for your comment. I will take your words into serious consideration once more. I don't know if I shall change this chapter again. But I do know that I will strive in the future to keep these lessons in mind.
I'm curious how female trainers capture Guai.
Depends on their sexual preferences. Female trainers have a harder time, just like gay trainers, because they still have to have sex. Are they willing to make with their non preferred s*x to capture them? or do they search out the more rare male version?
it's okay
What would you suggest to make it better?
@Odyssey I don't know it was decent for me
to goats clashing heads
two
She shoved me away form her with a thrust of her waist.
from
and she just kept going, tiers fell down her eyes
tears
but she was stronger, better, and non-humam,
human