Nishi-chan changed into a more dominant stance. I’m a little taken aback by her. Look at the status difference. She’s well-beloved and has a potential career in entertainment whilst my potential is in being gloomy and even more self-deprecating than I currently am.

“So, Honzo. How have you been?”

Why is she being cold to me now! Don’t tell me she’s suddenly doing a switch-up and is now being a bit… well, ‘bitchy’? Where is the real Nishi-chan? 

“Umm… fine, but why are you asking me that?”

“Just wondering. I mean, I’ve seen you outside more times in the past few weeks than you ever did last summer. I invited you to so many things, and you gave me some weak excuses each time. That’s not fair! Why don’t you treat me to something!”

Oh dear. This is moaning-mode Nishi-chan. It’s as rare as a full supermoon, but when it happens, you always do a double-take. How can someone so cute complain so much? Surely, there’s like an inverse-square law regarding the relationship between cuteness and complaining? Right?

“Are you referring to me and Sayako giving some homework down in Minami?”

She kind of went a bit flustered. Her voice was even slightly cracking. Next, she said, “No I’m- Wait! You went with Sayako together?”

“Yeah, it’s not like it was a date or anything,” I responded in the most sincerely deadpan voice. Yes, you can be sincerely deadpan. If not, I made it up so therefore it is real.

“Hey, why don’t you do the same with me?”

Why is her voice getting consecutively higher and almost puppy-like? It’s almost as if I… I need to save her.

Wait! That’s exactly why she’s doing that.

“I mean, if you want my genuine reason - I just thought you had better things to do than hang out with basically your cousin.”

She pouted. Angrily. An angry cute pout. I’ve already been cornered by her, haven’t I? Her cuteness can only be described as a whole typhoon of ‘kyun’ noises and every kawaii-type good produced in the world imbued into one random Nagoya girl. 

And this one random Nagoya girl just so happened to now also be the cutest girl in the whole city, not just the ward.

She spoke. Her words were said in a weird indirect tone, like she was dancing around the subject, but the content of her words was… abrupt to say the least.

“I’m not your actual cousin.” She paused for a bit then, she continued her struggle. Her words were pretty bitter to take in.

“Do you even see me as anything other than your sister or cousin? You know, your real sister is Yumi. Everything I do is for you to look at me differently but you won’t reciprocate.” She teared up just a slight bit. “What do you want me to do? How about I do this?”

She opened up her legs. 

Yes. I really mean that. 

It was as wide as the sea, one could say. 

Frankly, the first thing I noticed was how… now I’m sighing mentally… how thick her thighs were. Then my eyes were struck by her pelvis and how… aesthetically pleasing it was. A leg of ham. I felt this weird impulse to dive right in. 

Pure animalistic behaviour. God, I hate myself sometimes. Look, I'm sorry to anyone listening to me for being a bit horny. I get it. That said, it was certainly arousing because it felt completely wrong. And I know why. 

She’s ultimately right. I do see her more as a relative than anything else.

The other thing was how somewhat small her black-laced panties were. Maybe I’m being incredibly overstimulated by this random attack on me that I kind of froze, just taking in every weird small intricate detail of her crotch.

I was expecting a random dissociation attack. But it wasn’t happening. Seriously, time actually froze. It’s been said a few times but never have I encountered such a situation where time seriously slowed to the point that second was like a year. I was starting to reach my mid-30s with how awkward this situation was. My perception of time was shattered.

I want a dissociation episode to avoid the awkwardness. I want it so badly. I want it. I need it.

Actually, I’m just going to do a self-inflicted one. Since I’ve paused time, I might as well. Staring at a girl’s crotch is weird enough, so I might as well go more weirder.

I teleported my mind to a random place. It didn’t even seem like Nagoya. Maybe, you could argue it was some European place… let’s go with Berlin. I’ve only seen like three images of Berlin, but hey, it just needs to be a faraway place. 

The sun was setting. I’m on a bridge. That bridge is empty. And it’s boring. Just a simple concrete arch with metal railings that look more like a guard fence than anything to do with safety. The street lights all curve, like a rib cage protecting the street. I could smell the diesel and the cigarette smoke.

In front of me, to my left was a building enclosed with glass and white walls. It was unequal in shape and size. Parts of the building jutted out. You could easily argue it was a more irregular shape than a functional building. To the right, across the road? It was a corner-shaped building that looked like a quarter of a 64-sided shape.

As for the sky? The clouds were rapid. Speeding through the sky as if they were in a police chase. Zooming as if they were missiles. Then, it flickers. I see the sky flicker into multiple colours.

Bang.

Yellow.

Red.

Green?

Swirls started to multiply from the four corners of my vision.

What is the self?

It’s ridiculous to even discuss the self.

Because ultimately yourself is yourself.

And what is yourself?

It was funny.

Funny?

Humour?

Then, I felt compelled. I had to stop this charade. I couldn’t even fully accept my delusion. This is not a real dissociation episode. Look, I still had my sense of self. For some reason, nothing I do can shatter it. It was as if I was too weak. But then, the truth approached my eyes. Or at least, my truth.

The truth was written on Nishi-chan’s panties. I guess all versions of myself have a twisted sense of humour.

‘You know Nishi-chan has liked you since middle school. There’s no non-romantic reason why she kept going to you every lunch break for years and years. You haven’t even been in the same class since elementary.’

Yeah. I guess that’s true.

‘So does Sayako. I would argue she likes you even more than Nishi-chan because she sees you for who you really are. As for Mai and Shibuya? Well, Mai’s just like that. Shibuya is just nice too. I’m not that deluded.’

I gave myself a chuckle.

‘You’re actually a nice person. Look, you and I know that we’re a bit biased - right? But, you do care. Stop lying to yourself. You lie to yourself even in your head. You just don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. That’s why you’re starting to hang out with Minoru-san. It’s why you joined the club. You’re not actually so weak that you follow the whims of random people - you genuinely want to do so. But you come up with a weak excuse.’

This is… this is not the catharsis nor some eureka moment where I’ve reached some fantastical epiphany that dwells deep into the human condition.

But I cried. Even Nishi-chan saw that. Her legs were somewhat shaking. This was some ‘Hail Mary’ for her. I guess it worked. Was that it? This is definitely some sick joke.

I stood up and looked down on her. Not in a hierarchical or even degrading way. I physically closed her legs. It’s too much for me.

“Look, Nishi-ch-” I stopped and realized.

“Look, Erina. I get it. You like me, right?”

She nodded.

“If you want me to be honest. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for you anyways. Call it insecurity, whatever.” I shrugged mid-sentence, too scared about her reaction so I tried to diffuse it. “If you ask me if I like you - my honest response is that I just can’t say yes, even if I wanted to.”

She gave a deflated look. “Yeah, I already knew that, if I’m being honest, Honzo. Still worth a try, right?” She gave another small laugh, probably to diffuse it like earlier.

I responded to her. “I still want to hang out with you. So… Do you want to join the Culture Club?”

Now she was taken aback. “What?”

“It means what it means…”

After a slight pause, she gave me a smile. I don’t think it was a fake smile.

“You know what, Honzo. Why not? You don’t seem like the type to go gunning for women anyways - so I’m going to consider this a victory. To be honest, the reason why you like Shibuya is to have a sense of normality, right? Why not just do that with me?”

I actually heartily laughed at this. I don’t even know why, I just guess I saw it as absurd.

Next, I went back to my usual low-tone voice. “Yeah, I mean, aren’t we celebrating you literally getting into a TV show? Soon, I’ll have to call you Idol-san, right?”

She stopped a bit. Please don’t tell me we’re going back to being vulnerable, my heart is going to give out.

“Oh yeah. I kinda did forget.” She just teehee’d me. With the hand gesture and one eye closed.

“How’d you forget? What?”

She sighed. “Well, I don’t mind doing a normal job if I’m with you - you know? Why do you think I want to go to the same uni as you?”

I shrugged my shoulders and went… “Okay, then Erina.”

Guess I’m going to have to get used to calling Nishi-chan, Erina now. It’s hard to drop a decade-old name.

We both talked it out. No, nothing sensual happened. And my mind has been clear for the first time in a while. No depersonalization or derealization happened. Still going to be taking my medication and therapy, obviously.

But I guess, I really knew that one day my need to avoid conflict and Mariana Trench level self self-esteem would come into conflict ironically. I don’t even know who won out. I guess neither. Because I do realise I have to come to blows with people and you can still be close to them.

Nishi-chan is never going to know this but I’ve always wondered what would happen if I said:

‘I love you.’

I’m not even strong enough to say that to Shibuya and I’ve been staring at her in class every day at this point.

We both left the bedroom. To my surprise, Minoru, Yamaki, and Mai were talking about random stuff. Heh. People don’t revolve around you, that is the lesson to be learnt, Honzo.

I guess they realised we did nothing because we were still in uniform. Which is funny, I don’t know why Nishi-chan is still in uniform in her own home. I’m still going to call her Nishi-chan in my head.

It was all peaceful and pleasant for a bit, and we all collectively decided to go home maybe half an hour later.

Well, then. I suppose I’ve closed that insecurity chapter with Nishi-chan. At least for a while, eh?