“Today we mourn the loss of a wonderful girl. Tragically, taken from us too soon. Her life, full of possibilities and potential. Her cheerful and caring nature touched those around her. Not only that, but her joyous and curious personality earned her the admiration and friendship of her peers. She will be missed by those around her, and the world is a darker place for her loss. Now we have a few people who wanted to speak on her behalf, so I will let them speak,” the priest said, standing aside for her mother, who stood next to her coffin microphone in hand.

     “Thank you all for coming, Ashley,” she paused to wipe away a tear. “Ashley would be so happy that so many people cared about her enough to attend.” She stopped and cleared her throat. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, handing the mic back to him before running off crying. 

     I stood up and walked over to the priest, his heart caught in his throat. “Ashley was a special girl,” I said, after picking up the microphone. “She’d try and help anyone, even when she wasn’t much better, she always tried her hardest to comfort those around her. It was one of the things that made me fall in love with her,” my throat constricted, forcing me to swallow, “And now that she's gone, the world feels a little grayer. I can only hope that wherever she is right now, that she's happy and healthy.” I handed back the microphone and went to find her mom.

     I looked around, but I didn’t see where she ran of too. She was sitting in the entryway to the church, huddled in the corner, her knees held to her chest. Leaning against the wall, I slid down it until he was sitting on the floor.

     “I’m sorry,” I managed to say through the lump in my throat.

     “You don’t need to feel sorry,” her mom said softly.

     “But I do, she was right there. And I couldn’t keep her safe,” I said, hitting the wall. “I was right there. And i just… just froze. I couldn’t do anything, not until she was already dying. I'm so useless!” I shouted, tearing at my hair. “WHY!? Why did it have to be her?” I sobbed. “Why couldn’t it have been me?” 

     Her mom unfurled her legs and leaned over to comfort me, even though I didn’t deserve it. “You shouldn’t blame yourself,” she said, her voice hoarse.

     “How can I not? I was her boyfriend, I'm a man. I'm supposed to keep her safe!” I shouted at the cruel world, “And here I am, crying my useless eyes out.”

     Her mom continued to hug me, gently rubbing my back. “Ashley may be gone, but you know if she was here, she’d be telling you not to cry.”

     “I’m sorry,” I whispered over and over, my tears falling unrestricted to the floor.

 

*****

 

     “How are you doing today, Anthony?” Asked my therapist.

     “I'm alright,” I replied in a monotonous voice.

     “Anything new happen?” 

     “No.” 

     “I hear that your grades have been slipping,” the therapist said, writing down something in his notepad.

     “I still have a B average.”

     “Will that be enough to get into your college?”

     “I DON’T WANT TO GO!” I shouted. “Not without Ashley.”

     “I doubt she’d want you to throw away your life for her.”

     “You don’t know what she would want,” I replied coldly. All the adults were in a hurry to forget Ashley, but I’m not. How could I ever let her go?

     “It's been two months since the incident, I don’t want to sound callous, but you need to work with me. Leaving your feelings unprocessed is unhealthy and will lead to a bad outcome. You are suffering from survivors guilt.”

     “What if I don't want to process?”

     “For your health you have to, Ashley wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself over her.”

     We sat in silence for a few minutes while the doctor scribbled in his notebook.

     “I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings,” I said softly. “I just want to punch things until someone gives her back. I want to tear down the world until she’s returned to me.”

     “Have you tried looking for a more constructive outlook?”

     “What should I do with these feelings of mine?”

     “Try directing them to study or sports, perhaps.”

     “Maybe,” I said, looking down at my hands. The same ones that couldn’t save the person closest to me. The small alarm on the desk began to ring. 

     “Well, that seems like that's all the time we have for today. I will see you same time next week?”

     “Okay,” I mumbled. The doctor held the door for me and led us back into the lobby, where mom was waiting. 

     “How are things?” she asked the therapist.

     “We’re getting there, I'm hoping for a breakthrough soon. I’m going to see him again next week, same time.”

     “Ok thank you.” 

     I was already out the door before mom could say anything. She huffed as she ran to keep up. She had been trying to say something for days now, but I already knew what. I didn't want to give Ashley up, not now, not ever. She simply unlocked the car doors for us. Stating the car, she began to drive us home.

 

*****

 

     “Hey,” Kristine said, setting her lunch down on the table. “How are you holding up?”

     “Not good, I keep expecting to see her in class. No one wants to talk about it, though,” I replied.

     “I know, it's weird not having her around. Like it hasn’t fully sunk in yet that I won't ever see her again.”

     “It was my fault.”

     “That's not true at all. There's nothing you could have done.”

     “I could have hidden her, or distracted the shooter. I could have done something. But instead I fell, and he only saw her. I should be the one who's dead, not her,” I said softly.

     “Then she’d be the one sitting her crying in the lunchroom.”

     “I'm not…” I felt my cheeks grow damp.

     “Besides neither of you should be, it's a stupid cruel world. I wish people would stop hurting each other. It's just a never ending cycle of death and hate.”

     The bell rang, and I trudged to my next class. School wasn't the same without Ashley. I don’t know if I could live without her. The rest of the day passed in agonizing slowness. I could tell my friends wanted to make me feel better, but they had stopped asking me to hang out. Mom had to take an extra shift today because one of her coworkers called out. So I rode my bike home. 

     She wasn't going to be home until after dinner, so she had left me a twenty for some pizza. But I wasn’t going to eat. Today was the day, after all. I went upstairs to my room and hopped on my computer. After leaving my goodbye’s in the discourse server I was active on, I grabbed the bottle of pills I had gotten. My friend had gotten me a bottle of hard alcohol easily when I said I wanted to drink to Ashley’s memory.

     I hope he doesn’t blame himself, popping the top off the pills, I swallowed the whole bottle before taking a big swig of alcohol. It burned and tasted awful. But I had made up my mind already. Despite what everyone believes, it was my fault she died, so it's only right that I join her.

     Things felt fine at first, but then I started to get sleepy. All I have to do is close my eyes and when I wake up I’ll be with Ashley again. I let sleep overtake me as I sank into the black abyss. Lost into a dreamless sleep.

 

*****

 

     I was woken up by a rhythmic beep, it beeped in time to the throbbing in my head. My mouth was so dry, something was snaked down my throat. The beeping began to speed up as I started to feel suffocated. The door opened swiftly, and a nurse hurried over to me.

     “You’re awake, do you understand me? Blink twice if you do,” she said, her voice fulled with concern. I blinked twice, which made her smile. “Let me get the doctor, your mother is going to be so happy to see you awake,” she said cheerily, then left the room. Leaving me with the ticking of the clock and the beeping of the monitor. 

     It felt longer than a half hour, but eventually a doctor came in, followed by mom.

     “My baby,” she cried, running over to my bedside. I tried to ask what happened, but it was incomprehensible. 

     “I'm sorry, but while the tube is in you won't be able to talk,” the doctor said. “Ok I'm going to do some small tests, nod your head if you can feel this.” She lifted the bottom of the blankets and tickled my left foot, I nodded, then she repeated on my right foot, felt it, then she pressed on each of my palms and rubbed them. She asked me to wiggle my fingers and toes, which I responded to. Then she wrote down a few different years and asked me to point to the one it currently was.

     “So will be he be fine?”

     “We’ll have to run more tests, but I believe he should be. You got very lucky, young man, it's a miracle you made it.”

     I looked at mom, she had tears running down her face as she sobbed happily. I asked for the piece of paper and pen, then wrote ‘I’m sorry’ to mom. The doctor talked to mom more, but I grew tired and fell asleep.

     I woke up three hours later to a nurse with a needle in the hose connected to my arm. She was drawing out my blood for something, she looked at me and smile, putting her finger to her lips and pointing to mom sleeping at my side. Her hair was dry and had begun to turn gray. Her skin hung on her frame like she hadn't been eating properly. How long was I asleep for?

     Mom shifted and lifted her head, she looked around blearily before her eyes settled on me and she smiled. I smiled back as best as I could and mouthed, “I love you.” 

     “I love you too, my special little guy. I’m going to be right back, the doctor said to get her if you woke up before five,” mom said, I nodded, and she stood up and left. The nurse finished what she was doing, and carried a small basket that had six tubes of blood out. The doctor returned without mom ten minutes later.

     “I was hoping you would wake up before my shift ended, once your mom gets back we’ll talk,” she said. “I'm going to take your vitals really quick, then get a nurse to remove that tube.” She checked the monitor, making notes of what she saw. Then helped me sit up. “Ok, breath in deep,” she said after putting her stethoscope to my chest. I took a deep breath, “And out.” I let it go. She had me do that a few times before hitting the call button and requesting a nurse to come remove the tube and bring a cup of water.

     The tube coming out was one of the weirdest feelings I have ever felt. The nurse gave me a cup of water, which I eagerly drank while he apologized. Mom came in just as they removed the tube.

     “Hi mom,” I said, my voice faint and hoarse. She set her coffee down and gave me another hug. “How long have I been here?” 

     “Three months,” the doctor said. “Now I'm sure you’re eager to get home, but we need to make sure you are healthy enough to do so. Someone will come in a bit to determine how much physical therapy, if any, you need before we can discharge you.”

     “Mom, why am I in the hospital?”

     “We were hoping you could tell us what happened,” the doctor said.

     “Sweetie, I came home from work, and you were unconscious on the floor of the kitchen. I called the ambulance, and they rushed you to the hospital. You’ve been in a coma for the last three months.”

     “I remember talking with Kristine at lunch, she was saying I should get back into soccer. The rest of the day was boring as usual, and I rode my bike home. I decided to eat when I got home because I was going to play games for a while. But I don’t remember what happened after that.”

     “That's ok, sweetie, it doesn’t matter. All that does is you’ve returned to me, and I'm so happy.” 

 

*****

 

     The last week has been incredibly boring, I’ve been sitting in a hospital bed with nothing to do. It made me kind of happy that I get to go to school today. They released me late last night. It was so wonderful to sleep in my own bed. I was nervous to go to school today. Mom dropped me off, she was worried about me riding my bike. I tried to tell her that I felt fine, but she shot me down. She dropped me off at the front and watched me walk up to the school. 

     “Ah Mr. Anthony. I see you’re out of the hospital. It was a shock when the faculty was informed.”

     “Yes, it was weird waking up in a hospital room suddenly. And thank you for your concern, and making an exception and letting me finish out the year in summer school.”

     “Ah well, it's not your fault you missed the last couple of months. Anyway, do well today.”

     “I will, sir, thank you,” I said, giving him a slight bow as I made my way to the classroom.

     It was taking place in my world history class. I sat in my usual seat, but for some reason my chest began to hurt, and I felt like I had forgotten something important. Class was insanely boring, it was almost entirely self study. The class took twice as long as normal, but eventually the bell rang.

     I had a class later anyway, and I didn’t want to go home and come back. So I decided to go to the library. The moment I walked in, the librarian looked up at me. She smiled and waved, I smiled back. I went back to the computers, sitting down next to the broken one like I usually did. 

     “Are you reading another novel?” I ask

     “Yes, this one is about a person who gets reincarnated in a world of sword and sorcery. I would love to be able to do magic,” she said.

     Why can't I remember her?

     My head shot up as someone dropped a book nearby. My heart pounded in my ears. I felt like I was forgetting something important. Something precious that I lost. Tears ran down my cheeks as I struggled to remember. Her… What was her name? She was important, so why can't I remember?

     My breath became ragged as my chest started to hurt. The world started to go gray, the only sounds I could hear were my heartbeat and the ticking of the school clocks. I unlocked my phone and began swiping through my pictures. Looking for something, anything that could jog my memory.

     “Let's go to the arcade,” she said excitedly. Her voice filled with happiness.

     “No we can’t…”

     “I’ve gotten a lot better,” she smiled, her warm smile and gentle eyes made my heart pound.

     “No, we need to go…” I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I continued to search.

     “You got me, but I promise ill win the next game,” she said, oblivious to the screams in the distance. “What's going on?” she asked, turning to look out the windows. 

     I froze, falling backwards. Landing behind the machines. There was a loud bang, and she fell to the floor, the smile fading from her face as she looked at me, her eyes begging.

     “A$4!e7!” I shout.

     She looks at me pleading, her whole body shivering as the light begins to leave her eyes.

     “Ashley, stay with me!” I scream, and my memories return in a torrent. I remember everything as the clocks stop ticking. Her death, the funeral, the pain that drove me to suicide, I remember everything. Once I remember it, all the world falls out from under me, the library dissolving as I begin to fall.

     I scream but have no voice, I reach out but have no body. I fall for an eternity that is over in an instant, landing hard in the center of a glowing circle. Someone looks down at me. Their eyes filled with a sadness as deep as the oceans. Their arm offered to me.

     “Lost soul, it is with deep sadness that I bid you welcome, To the trial of the gods.”