The weather was nice, the road was well kept, my horse Silver was walking calmly along the path. This world was beautiful in so many ways, but I was not happy. I was striking out in both worlds and just wanted to feel like a hero in one. That isn’t too much to ask for, right? If you are lost, let me give you some background. Every morning I wake up in the same world you live in, just maybe a few years later than the one you enjoy, but every night I put on a strange helmet and go to sleep. When I and those are wearing the NARV gear made by DEVCAT Industries, we log into a game fantasy world. Here I am Edwardo, a fighter who wonders the land looking for evil to stomp out. I know it’s childish, but I hoped it would make me feel better. I was wrong on so many levels.

I saw a man sitting on the side of the road. I waved at him, and he waved back. He had mostly gray hair and was slightly chubby with a long hair and beard covering most of his belly. He wore a green shirt, brown pants and a red vest. His feet were bare, and he sat on a log propping his chin on a walking stick. A large brown leather hat blocked his eyes from the sun. He looked like the type of person who laughed often and maybe played a trick or two. Like a kind grandfather who would pull a quarter from behind your ear on an old TV show.

“Hello their young fella. How are you doing?” his voice had a bit of humor to it.

“I am well, how is your health?” I tried to lean on the role paying elements.

“My health is good, but you may want to turn your horse. There is a trap ahead.”

“A trap? That means bandits.” I got excited and quickened Silver’s pace. I wish I had heard as old man muttered under his breath,

“Well, I hope they have fun at least.” he removed an old leather hat and reviled long fox ears and whipped his brow. I was long past him at this point as the song of the hero’s quest filling my soul. How many would there be? Ten? Thirty? Maybe more. Maybe an army lead by an evil lord who needed to be brought low. About a mile latter I saw a fair maiden on the side of the road waving at me. She was cute, strawberry blonde hair down to the middle of her back and wearing a yellow sundress that came down to mid caff. Her feet were bare. I drew close and could see cute freckles on her bright and happy face. This is what a hero needed. My smile was huge until she spoke.

“Hail hero, can you help me on my quest?” HER? Voice belonged more on someone like superman or any other MALE hero. It was deep and bold. I had practiced trying that voice a number of times, but even my best voice paled to the one coming out of that creature's throat. I froze and just looked my mouth open. “Did you hear me kind knight?”

“Buuuuu bababaaaa what?” That had to be my most elegant moment. The creature tilted its head and looked up at me. Good even silver blue eyes. What did I do to earn this?

“Good Hero, I ask you to help me in my quest. I was cursed by an evil witch to look this way.” I just blinked. “My only grace is she left my prolific manhood in place.” Don’t look, don’t look. God my eyes looked down. Luckily, I failed to see anything. “Well, you help me restore my manhood to its rightful strength?”

“I will so long as you watch your phrasing.”

“What? You don’t want to help me take hold of my manliness and restore it to its full glory?” I tried not to laugh or cry or do anything. I just rubbed my eyes and dismounted. I dismissed Silver who was teleported back home to Pop. I had paid five gold for the horse and one more just to learn to ride him. He had become my trusted steed and a prized possession. I didn’t know if this knight could ride, but I didn’t feel okay riding with someone like that. Not shaming, just not comfortable.

“Where may we find this witch?” I just wanted to get this quest over with quickly. The guy looked up at me in the most uncomfortable way and blinked.

“May I know the name of the hero who came to my rescue?”

“I’d rather not?” He looked puzzled.

“Why brave hero? I must know your name so I can sing of your glory.” I sighed and took a deep breath.

“It…It’s Edwardo.” the sound of castanets followed my name. My Gran's friends had cursed me so every time my name was said the sound would follow. At first it was cool, but it got annoying quick. The guy gave the most manly laugh I’ve ever heard and held out a dainty hand with well-trimmed nails.

“Well met Edwardo.” the sound of castanets. “I am Sir. Richard the Engorged.” He held a hand out pointing to a path in the trees. “I think the witch is in a cave not too far from here. We walked a ways into the woods until we came to a large cave framed by tall trees. “She lives in there; I watch while you enter.” God phrasing. I was wondering where the quest ping was, but this game was in beta, so glitches happen. I took a deep breath and walked calmly into the cave. It didn’t seem like a witch’s cave, but you never know. It was dark, cool with a strange musky smell. A soft moss grew near the opening and a soft breathing could be heard near the back. I looked back to see the guy walking a few steps behind me watching me closely. A strange sound came from the back of the cave like a low growl. A brown shape charged and loom high over me. I heard the man scream “Look out Edwardo" Castanets clap "It’s a bear.” I looked back and thought I saw him smile. Turning back into the face of a wild bear looking down at me. It roared and raised its paw over its head and brought it down at my face. I raised my hand calmly and caught it stopping the force in its place. Bears stopped being a fight a long time ago. I looked into the bear’s eyes and unleashed the skill {Killing Intent} It whimpered and peed on the cave floor. I heard two smaller whimpers from behind it. Crap, this thing was a mom. I stopped the skill and triggered the skill {Calming Influence} as I let go of the bear’s paw and it walked over and put itself between me and the cubs. Heroes don’t kill mothers protecting their babies. That is just evil.
“I’m Sorry Misses Bear. We will be leaving you alone. Have a good day.” I turned to see the stunned look on Sir Richard’s face. “It looks like the witch isn’t here. Where else may she be?” He followed me out. He just looked at me blankly. After a long moment he said,
“She may be in her swamp hideout.” I frowned.
“Not a swamp witch. I still have nightmares about being stuck as a frog for three hours.” He gave me a puzzled look.
“I thought a witch’s curse only lasted an hour?” I looked at him with a serious scowl.
“Don’t judge me, I just had a breakup.” he held up his hands.
“No judgment. I just thought a noble hero like yourself would not struggle with the fairer sex. Edwardo” the sound of castanets. I sighed and looked at him.
“You’d think, but sadly no. The one girl I had a chance with turned me down. She was a cute satyr too.” He looked shocked.
“You like non-human women?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Why wouldn't I? In my world, most guys would kill to be with any of the women here and the fact that they aren’t fully human adds to their value. Horns, ears, tails, or any of that adds to the way a lot of us see them. Personality is a huge factor though.” he looked at me with his jaw hanging. “Did I say something weird?” he held his hands up in defense.
“Not at all, but you have to agree that bust size is important.” I tilted my head at him.
“Are you right in the head? Bust size is a plus, but if I can’t stand the woman, why would I care how big they are?” he just nodded at me. “Hell, it is a huge shame you are a guy because you look like my type,” I said in frustration. He blushed and turned away. I froze and looked at him. “You, okay?” He coughed and looked away.
“Fine, just caught me off guard. Anyways the witch's place should be this way. Edwardo” the sound of castanets. We pushed forward through the trees. It didn’t take long to hear the swamp. We walked to a small dry spot where he stopped and pointed into the murky water. “you’ll find her in a hole just under that pond.” I shrugged and made my way in. The water was warm and smelled a bit, like a bath that had been sitting far too long and several people had used as a bathroom. Luckily, I had a few cleaning scrolls. Too often you get covered in things you don’t want to think about, and those scrolls come in handy. Swimming down I saw the hole and dove inside. A small pink snake wiggled at me. I smiled as I pulled it and punched up quickly. Gran and Maggie were going to be happy tonight. A short while later I dragged the body to the shore and smiled at the huge turtle that I had caught. It had a soft blue skin but was covered in slime and rocks. It had to be twenty feet across and had a hard stone-like shell. I smiled at it and looked over at the shocked look on Sir Richard's face. This dude clearly had never had rock turtle, and this was a greater one so the meat would be even richer.
“No witch, but a nice turtle. Gran will be happy as she loves turtle meat.” I put it in my inventory, cracked the cleaning scroll and turned to the strange person as a warm light insured, I was clean and ready to fight. “Where to now?” He just looked at me slack jawed. “Hello, where do we go? Are you okay?” He finally shook his head and looked at me.
“The only other place she could be is the Kobold mine.” I smiled.
“Good, we can finally get to the bottom of things. Lead the way.” He looked worried but walked to the east. After a long while he looked at me with a question. In his eyes.
“Why are you so strong?” I shrugged.
“I wanted to be the hero. Heroes are strong. I just wish it came with perks.” He looked at me puzzled.
“What perks?”
“A loving woman to impress. You know like we talked about earlier. I don’t need a lover, but someone who I can show off to would be nice.” he just nodded at me. “Also showing someone off to Gran would be great.”
“Who is Gran?”
“Gran is my grandmother, Betty. She raised me and I know she worries at times.” He just nodded and looked at the ground. After a long moment, we came to a well-lit mine, and I smiled. I leaned back my head and gave the normal Kobold greeting in their language. “This one greets the children of the dragon.” A small, pink-scaled female came out and waved at me. She had short horns and had the markings that showed she was the elder. She stood about two feet tall and was covered in bright pink scales. Like someone took a salamander and stretched it over a human frame. She had huge orb-like blue eyes. She wore a plain linen brown dress. Most Kobolds wore simple clothes and had a kind demeanor so long as you showed them respect.
“Greeting from the children of the dragons to you wise one.” I pulled out a plate of charcoal cookies. They were just failed cookies that had been burned to the point of being charcoal. The Kobold just smiled at me and reached for one. “Thank you for this gift.”
“Take the plate honored elder.” I looked over at Richard to see him standing there stunned as I talked with the elder. “Is there a witch in your home?” she shook her head and looked up at me with those huge gem-like eyes.
“No wise one. There is no witch in these parts.” I frowned.
“Do you know the creature behind me?” she nodded and smiled up at me.
“Yes, wise one. She is a trickster in this area. She often fools others into places and runs away for fun.” I reached out a hand a rubbed just behind the frill she had. This made her close those large eyes in pleasure.
“Thank your wise child of the dragon. You have helped me on my quest.” she gave a slight trill of happiness and took the plate into the mine. I stood and turned to Richard. “She said there is no witch.” Richard looked worried and started backing away. “She also said you like to play pranks on people.” Richard looked scared as she backed into a tree. She spoke and this time her voice was soft and very feminine.
“It. it was just a joke.” she backed to a tree and almost tried to climb up it. “I didn’t mean any harm.” I walked past her to sit on a log.
“Leave.” I put my head in my hands.
“You are just letting me go?”
“If I did anything, what would it matter? I’m a joke anyway.” I was trying not to cry but that deep pit in my stomach was starting to hurt in that way only loneliness and depression can cause. “I’m just going to sit here until it’s time to go.” I felt her hand on my back. “Go away. I fell for your trick, and you had your fun. Laugh at the loser.” Her hand pulled away. “The funny part is, I would have spent the whole day with you if you were honest from the start.” she moved in front of me and moved my hands. I wasn’t crying, just to hurt to cry. I wanted to be the hero for once and once more it was taken from me. Played as the fool. She lifted my head to look into those deep blue eyes. I expected to see mirth or at least some form of joy, but what met me was sadness and pain.
“I didn’t mean this. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are a good guy.” she leaned down and kissed me on the lips. I half expected to turn into a frog again, but nothing happened. Just the warm pressure and tingles up my spine. She pulled back and smiled at me. “Here is a teleportation stone for me. Feel free to reach out to me when you are up for an adventure. I think we could have a lot of fun together” I just sat there stunned for a moment as she turned, a long yellow tail poking from her dress and long fox ears popping from her head. She turned and smiled at me before puffing into a ball of blue fire. A whisper came from behind me, and I turned as she pulled my chin to her lips once more. She pulled away and said, “Also I think you are cute too.” she turned and started to walk away.
“Hey what is your real name?” she turned and gave me a heart-melting smile.
“Can I call you Eddie?” I just nodded. “If I can call you Eddie then, Eddie, you can call me Al.” she smiled and jumped into the air puffing into a ball of blue flame again. I just sat there stunned holding a small blue stone. After a long while I stood and cheered. I know it may not be manly or heroic, but I got called cute by a cute girl and she gave me her number. Hell yeah. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a green stone and pressed it. A flash of light later and I was standing in front of a cozy cottage. The lawn was well-kept and full of flowers and flying fairies. The little pests were zipping from flower to flower. I knocked on the door and gave a huge smile as Gran opened it.
“You had a good day?” she smiled up at me.
“I met a girl and got her number.” I held out the blue stone. She smiled.
“Will I get to meet this one?” I walked over to the table and sat. A large goofy grin on my face.
“I also gave some of your charcoal cookies to some nice Kobolds and got you a big turtle to eat.” the inside of the cabin was nicely kept and full of some of the things I would bring her from my adventures. It smelled of growing flowers. She frowned.
“Those aren’t charcoal cookies. it’s not my fault that cooking doesn’t work the same here. Now tell me about this new girl.” she said with a smile as she sat across from me. I told her everything and she laughed so hard when I said what Al had at the end. I knew it was a reference to something, but not one I knew. She told me she would show me the video when we get back home. All in all, it was a good day. She smiled and got up. “Sounds like you had fun Edwardo.” she had a smug look that faded.
“Edwardo. Edwardo. Honey, your castanets are gone. What happened?” I smiled.
“I guess she helped me with the clap.” I leaned back. Not a bad day at all.