9
Developing

“Mom!” I said, running up to the front door as I heard it open. “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.”

“You’re certainly excited,” she said as she walked in. “What were you up to today, sweetie?”

“Well, I had fun at school, and then I went to hang out with Matthew and Grace. Grace is Sean, by the way, she became a girl. Then, I went to play laser tag with Matthew and we won, it was super fun!” I couldn’t help but jump up and down a little, excited by everything that happened today.

“Slow down, wait,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows. “Sean became a girl?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Matthew and I ran into her on the street, just by chance. She introduced herself as having transitioned, and we talked for a while and caught up.”

“That’s not what I expected,” she said, scratching her head. “Make sure to do some research on trans people, okay? Treat her well, transitioning must have been hard for her.”

“Research on trans people?” I asked. “Sure, I guess, I don’t want to offend her by accident or anything.”

“Is your nail okay?” she asked, gently picking up my hand all of a sudden. “It seems to have gotten chipped.”

“Oh,” I said, looking sadly at my chipped nail. “It looks ugly now.”

“It doesn’t look ugly,” she said, surveying the damage. “But I can fix it up for you if you want. But if you want it to go away, you can just keep it as it is.”

“I guess I’ll fix it,” looking at my nails. At first, I didn’t like them, but as time went on, they actually ended up looking quite nice. I enjoyed seeing my hand when I was writing something and seeing my colored nails. “Just so that it’s even.”

“Just so that it’s even, sure,” she said. “Here, let me bring my nail polish and see if I have a similar color. Go sit in the dining room and wait for me.”

“Okay,” I said, sitting down at the dining room table as Mom walked upstairs. I stared at my phone for a minute until she came back down, with a shade of nail polish that looked very similar to my lavender.

“Here, it won’t be perfect,” she warned. “But unless you’re looking closely, it’ll be fine. Hold out your hand for me.”

I placed my hand on the table, and Mom carefully looked at my nails. She got the nail polish and applied it with surgical precision into the crack, filling it up. “Here, I think I got it,” she said. “Let it dry for a few minutes, and I’ll put some top coat on it so it doesn’t chip again for a while.”

“Okay,” I said. I awkwardly tapped my legs for a few seconds before speaking up with the same concerns I had earlier today. “Mom, do you think I’ve changed?”

“Changed?” my mom asked, she stroked her chin a little before speaking up again. “Well, you’ve certainly changed. I couldn’t imagine the Tyler I knew two weeks ago walking up to me and being so excited to see me that he hopped around.”

“I guess I have changed then,” I said, kicking my legs around. “I’m just worried I’m becoming too girly.”

“That’s not a problem at all,” she said, shrugging. “Be as effeminate as you like, you’ll always be my child.”

“I don’t know Mom,” I said, a tear coming out of my eye. I really was worried about this all, why was I changing so much? My mom quickly handed me a tissue, and I grabbed it with my free hand and dabbed at it.

“Dear, your makeup, ah,” Mom said, watching disappointedly. She handed me a makeup mirror. “I should’ve warned you, your makeup got all messed up.”

“Oh,” I said sadly, staring into the mirror. My eyeliner had been half erased and my mascara was all over the place. I don’t know why, but I felt a little sad that it had gotten off, as it meant I’d have to wash it off. “I didn’t pay attention.”

“It’s fine, honey, you’re still cute either way,” she said. I appreciated the compliment but I noticed that my heart didn’t flutter in quite the same way as when Matthew called me cute. I found that weird. “Anyways, what did you have to say?”

“I just feel so much happier as a girl, it’s weird,” I said, choking up a little.

“That’s okay,” she said, stroking my hair. “You can be a girl if you want.”

“No, wait. Never mind,” I said, that sentence suddenly sent a chill up my spine. I couldn’t be a girl. I was a man, damn it. I couldn’t do this forever. Just because I enjoyed some aspects of being a girl, didn’t mean I was one or anything. I swallowed, I would stop with all this feminine stuff from now on.

“Your nails are done, by the way,” my mom said, letting me look down at my fixed nails.

“Ooh, they’re so pretty, thanks, Mom!“ I said, getting up in excitement. I looked at them in the light, and unless you were looking very, very closely, you would never notice that they had gotten cracked in the first place. I sat back down, smoothing out my crumpled skirt, I had gotten a little too excited.

***

“Did you think about what we talked about yesterday?” Mom said, brushing my hair in the morning. I yawned, having just gotten out of bed to get ready for school.

“What did we talk about yesterday, again?‘ I asked. I was barely able to keep myself awake, let alone remember the events that had happened yesterday.

“You thinking about how much happier you are as a girl,” she said, finishing up my hair. She nodded and moved to makeup. “Wait, do you want to try this on your own, actually?”

“Umm,” I said, looking at the makeup products. This was a new step for me, but I supposed I had to learn how to put on makeup eventually. “Sure?”

“Okay,” she said, handing me over some squishy thing. “That’s a makeup sponge, pump some foundation onto it.”

“Got it,” I said. I pressed down on the foundation’s pump, letting some get on the tip of the sponge. “What do I do now?”

“Just dab it on your face,” Mom said. “Be gentle with it, and make sure you cover all areas well.”

I dabbed at my face, careful to make sure everything was even. By the time I was done, my face was a lot whiter and my skin looked perfect. I smiled. “I did it!”

“You did, good job,” Mom said. “I’ll teach you one more part on how to do makeup every day, okay?”

“Okay,” I said, a little excited now to learn makeup on my own.

“Anyways, about you being happier as a girl, do you know why?” she asked as she applied my eyeliner. At first, I had twitched my eyes a lot when she put on eyeliner, but now I was able to keep them open.

“I don’t know,” I said, slumping in my seat. Was I happier due to being a girl, or did I just like my new circumstances better? I didn’t know, and that ended up in me having a lot of mixed feelings.

“It’s okay,” Mom said, moving on to my other eye. “Just think about things from now on, okay?”

“Okay,” I murmured.

***

I sat drawing in art class the next day when I heard footsteps come up behind me.

“Ooh, what are you trying to draw?” Lauren said, trying to peek over my shoulder to see what I was up to.

“Ah!” I screamed, quickly covering up my drawing with both arms. “Nothing.”

“No, let me see,” she said, getting closer. “I want to see.”

“No, it’s so embarrassing,” I said, covering the piece of paper as best as I could.

“Pleaseeeee,” she begged, trying to pry my arms off the paper.

“You know what, fine,” I said, taking my arms off the page. I knew Lauren wouldn’t stop, so I might as well show it to her now.

“That’s cute!” she said, looking at the magical girl I had drawn. “You’ve improved a lot.”

“Thanks,” I murmured. “It’s a character I made up when I was a kid.”

“Do tell,” she said, prompting me to go on.

“Her name is Magical Girl Chloe,” I explained. “She’s just an ordinary girl, when one day, she saves a rat from drowning on the road. The rat turns out to be a magical girl companion, who was looking for someone to bestow magical girl powers with. She ends up getting them, and fights the monsters that invade the city.”

“That’s cute,” she said, sitting on my desk. “You made up an entire character, you probably wanted to be her.”

“I didn’t want to be her!” I yelled out embarrassed. Baby Tyler definitely did not want to be a magical girl. “I just thought she was cool.”

“Sure,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Say what you want, but she was probably your self-insert. Chloe sounds awful close to Katie, doesn’t it?”

“Well,” I said, trying to think of something to prove her wrong. My name wasn’t even Katie back then, but I couldn’t tell her that. I wasn’t able to think of a good retort, so I just went with a classic. “Whatever.”

***

“What did you guys all do yesterday?” Lauren asked, doodling something on her notebook. “I’m so bored.”

“I went to the farmer’s market and got some nice fresh food for dinner,” Liz said. “It was super good.”

“Exciting,” Lauren said, sarcastically.

“Hey, you asked, sorry my day wasn’t entertaining enough for you,” Liz responded, rolling her eyes.

“Katie, how about you?” Lauren asked, barely bothering to look up from her notebook.

“I, um, nothing,” I said, looking off into the distance.

“Wait,” Lauren said, perking up. She closed her notebook and stared at me. “Something definitely happened.”

“Umm,” I responded, staring even deeper into the distance.

“Katthew?” Liz asked, leaning in close to me.

“Definitely Katthew,” Sam responded.

“Fine,” I admitted, crossing my arms. “How did you all figure that out so quickly? I hung out with Matthew.”

“Called it,” Liz said, giving me two finger guns. “When you get all flustered like that, we know it’s Katthew.”

“I did not get flustered,” I insisted. Did I really get flustered by the mere mention of Matthew? That made no sense, they must be making it up.

“You totally did, you were staring off into the distance, imagining him with lovestruck eyes,” Liz said, giggling.

“Shush,” I said, putting a finger in front of my mouth. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Well, we want to hear about what you did,” Lauren said, smiling mischievously. “Tell us.”

“Do I really have to?” I asked, exasperated. “We didn’t even do much.”

“Yes,” Sam insisted. “We want to hear.”

“Fine,” I said. “First, we met up at my house, since I wanted to talk to him about that drama that happened with my friend yesterday. But on the way we ended up running into our old friend, Grace, who moved to New York. She actually was-”

I paused. I did some research on trans people yesterday, listening to Mom’s suggestion, and it said something about “outing” being bad. I decided it was best to withhold the information about her being trans.

“She actually was really nice still,” I said, restarting my sentence. “We hung out and talked about nostalgic stuff until she had to go. Then, Matthew and I decided to hang out on our own. He’s a total dork, he searched for date ideas when we were just hanging out.”

“What!” Liz yelled, clearly shocked. “That means he’s into you.”

“No he’s not,” I said, rolling my eyes. “He just thinks the definition of date means any hanging out between two people. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“That makes no sense, everyone knows what the word date means,” Sam said. “He’s clearly into you.”

“No, let me continue with the story,” I said, crossing my arms. “You guys wanted to hear, and now you’re interrupting me.”

“Fine,” Lauren said, clearly torn between wanting to push the issue further and wanting to hear more of the story. “Tell us.”

“Okay, so we went to play laser tag, and he ended up paying. We lied that we were a couple to get a discount, which was funny. The cashier knew we were lying, but she just gave it to us anyways because she didn’t care,” I said, giggling.

“Wait,” Liz said, holding up a hand. “So you ‘pretended’ to be a couple?”

“I mean, it was only for a second or two, he just hugged me from the side to make it convincing.”

“You two are so clearly into each other, it’s insane,” Lauren said, sounding frustrated. “You don’t just pretend to be a couple with your friend for a discount.”

“I don’t know,” I said, shrugging. “I would do that for a discount.”

“That’s because you’re already into him!” Lauren said, shaking her hands in frustration. “You know what, go on, I want to hear more.”

“Okay, we played some arcade games,” I said, continuing on with my story. “This one Kung Fu Panda game, and then a virtual jump rope.”

“Don’t you always wear skirts and dresses?” Lauren observed, looking under the table to see what I was wearing. I instinctively made sure my legs were crossed, not wanting her to see up my skirt. “How didn’t he see something while you were jumping around?”

“Yeah,” I said, smoothing out my skirt due to the mention of it. “I had to hold it down so as to not reveal anything.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Lauren said, stroking her chin. “Go on then.”

“Okay, so we played laser tag,” I said. “We were playing, and eventually I got taken out. He was able to win it all on his own though, and we high-fived and he hugged me when we found out we did.”

“You’re a black hole, Katie,” Liz said, sighing as she shook her head.

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why am I a black hole?”

“You’re so dense!” Liz said, sounding annoyed at this point. “Normal friends do not do this, Katthew is real.”

“I think you’re just overreacting to a hug,” I said, rolling my eyes. “We’ve been friends for a while, it’s normal to do a bro hug sometimes.”

“Bro hug?” Lauren said, genuinely sounding baffled. “I don’t think you noticed this Katie, but you’re not a bro.”

“Umm,” I said, trying to find a way to explain this without revealing I was a guy. “We’ve been friends for so long, that we’re basically bros.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard,” Liz said, staring at me with her mouth agape in confusion. “A girl and a guy can’t just be friends, the guy eventually catches feelings. That’s just how it goes, and I’m sure Matthew’s caught feelings for you.”

“You don’t know him as well as I do,” I said, rolling my eyes. “We’re just friends.”

“Sureeeee,” Sam said, squinting at me.

“Okay, and we just ended it there,” I said. “We went back to my place and he left. That’s it. Nothing else happened. As I said, there’s nothing going on between us.”

“That’s it?” Lauren said, sounding more exasperated than frustrated. “No kiss, no nothing?”

“I told you we’re just friends,” I said, shrugging. “Your fault for expecting more.”

“My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined,” Liz said, shaking her head. “I seriously thought you two would kiss at the end, and you would try and pass it off as a bro kiss.”

“A bro kiss?” I said, giggling. “That’s ridiculous. There’s no such thing as a bro kiss.”

“There’s no such thing as a bro hug either,” Lauren said, looking ready to strangle me. “I give up, we should just let Katthew die.”

“Katthew will not die,” Liz declared, slamming her fist down on the table. “Ow, that hurts.”

“Why’d you do that?” I asked, laughing.

“I don’t know, I thought it would be a powerful declaration,” she said. “We must never let the dream die.”

I sighed, I wasn’t even attracted to guys, and here they were trying to ship me with Matthew. I couldn’t help but giggle at their efforts though. If they knew I was a guy, they’d understand why Matthew wouldn’t be into me. Obviously, he wouldn’t be into me.