“How are you doing, Pep?” Adrian asked as the group of three walked swiftly down the path away from Altwost. “A lot happened back there.”

The magic user stared blankly ahead. “I... wasn’t scared this time, Adrian. I actually fought back without hesitation.”

“How did you overcome it?” Emelri asked, tugging on Bibi’s reins. “Your fear, I mean.”

He was silent for a moment. “It just happened. I think there’s something wrong with me. Should I have felt something when those Spillers died? You always talk about how sick you felt after your first killings, Adrian, but I... didn’t feel anything.”

He put a gentle hand on his son’s shoulder. “It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s true, I’d sick at the sight of gore, but that was before I had to kill to protect the people I love. When I realized it was up to me to save Jacques from certain death during one of our adventures, only then was I able to overcome my aversion. You were just doing the same. Protecting us.”

“But then, isn’t that what Toulou’s doing? Protecting other magic users by massacring Spillers? How am I any different? What if they were right about all of this? What if I’m... just like them?” He swallowed. “I don’t want to kill, but the fact that it didn’t affect me at all...” He bit his lip, unable to finish that sentence.

“It’s not the same,” Adrian reassured. “What you did was self-defense. You were put in a situation you could not escape, and your actions prevented us from harm. Toulou however, sought out the lives of others with the premeditated intent to kill. The intent is what matters.”

“It is?” 

“Yes.” Adrian gave him a comforting side hug. “Hey, you’d never hurt anyone if you had no other choice. You’re too gentle, and I mean that in a good way.” 

He nodded mutely.

His attention then went to Emelri who walked with a defeated slump behind them. “Emi, what about you? Are you doing alright? We’ve all just been through a lot.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine.” Her completely drained appearance and monotone voice was not likely convincing. 

“It’s okay to be upset, especially after what happened.”

She shook her head. “Adrian, I’m sorry for the way my mother spoke to you. She can say the most awful things...”

“Don’t apologize for her behavior. Honestly, that’s the second time an unfortunate mother figure has accused me of being promiscuous.”

“What?” She blinked rapidly. “Who else?”

“Jacques’s mother. She is in some ways similar to your own, though I really shouldn’t talk badly about anyone.”

She snorted. “Jacques would disagree. If I recall, he has something special he calls her.”

“Yes, he does, but I won’t be repeating it—”

“The foul bitch spat from a horse’s ass,” Pepin said flatly, receiving a scolding look. “What? His words, not mine.”

“Well, anyway.” Adrian breathed out a flustered sound as the two teens giggled. “You know, you and Jacques don’t get along as well as you could, Emi, but you’d be surprised how much you both have in common.”

“Oh, I know. Maybe that’s exactly why we don’t get along.”

He chuckled softly. “Could be.”

“I always knew he had awful parents, but he doesn’t talk about them much.”

“With good reason.”

“Yeah. I understand that.” She understood more than anyone there ever would. Oddly enough, she missed the short, cross man she was always getting into arguments with. In a strange way, seeing her mother again only reaffirmed this.

Unable to think on the subject for too much longer, she spotted the shoreline as well as the setting sun and said more lightly, “Should we set up camp soon? I bought those fishnets so I could teach you both how to catch tonight’s dinner.”

“That’s an excellent idea, Emi,” Adrian said. “We still have a while until the next town if I remember correctly.”

“Lorvima? Yeah, it will be our first Venwi town, so we really should be working on our Venwi.”

“Yes... let us speak Venwi,” he said carefully, switching languages.

She grinned. “That means you too, Pep.”

The young man groaned, switching languages as well. “I could always go back to being fully mute again, you know that right?”

Giggling, her spirits lifted, and seeing the small smile on his face, she temporarily forgot about the sea of turmoil bubbling beneath the surface.

 

❀❀❀

 

As the sun went down, Emelri showed the men how to toss the nets into the water, and later, how to scale the caught fish and cook them in a makeshift underground oven. Pepin excitedly listened to her instructions as he crushed the freshly picked fruit that grew wild on the shore, and he was soon mixing it with coconut water and adding it to a sizzling pan. Over top was then added the fish, and a delicious aroma wafted over them all.

After enjoying the nostalgic meal, Emelri helped the men set up the tents and soon, they all went to bed. That is, except instead of joining Pepin in their shared tent, she decided to wander. She knew laying down was a fool’s errand. Sleep would not come that night. Of that she was certain. 

She found herself a way off from the campsite, sitting on the stump of a downed palm tree, staring into a puddle of water on the sandy ground that reflected moonlight as well as her tawny brown face. A chilly breeze blew through her as brown eyes drifted to the white, tied-up hair in her reflection.

 A frown decorated her face. “Does it really look bad up?” Finding all the pins that held it in place, she took them out one by one and watched as straight, white hair fell over her shoulders and down her back, touching the ground with its length. She looked just like a pure-blooded Alchemist.

Her chest tightened. Her mother’s words were always there, always resting in the back of her subconscious, wreaking havoc on her life. Pepin had told her once she deserved to be happy but everything in her life proved otherwise.

What about your adopted family? It was a kind voice that floated into her mind. What about Lula?

A creeping sensation accompanied the next voice. You don’t even deserve them. What have you ever done for them? You can’t even be a proper Alchemist, much less have a proper family. You’re nothing but a burden; always needing reassurances and comfort. You’re pathetic.

Her eyes closed. “Stop. You’re in my head again.” When she opened them again, she caught sight of herself in the water’s reflection again and flinched.

You’re everything I made you to be. You can’t escape that, Em. 

“N-no,” she croaked, taking handfuls of the hair and tugging on it. “I’m not you.”

But you are. You’ll never be free of me. Never.

Chest heaving, Emelri pulled a dagger from her hip, eyes flashing. “I’m not giving you control anymore. It’s time for you to leave.”

Putting the blade behind her hair right at the nape of her neck, she cut. Heaps of long white strands fell all around her, lighting up the sand with a pale glow. 

As soon as she saw herself in the water again, she put a hand over her mouth.

The jagged ends stopped right at her jawline, and she immediately felt the lack of weight. “Fuck.” Her fingers met the chopped strands. “W-what have I done?” Knife falling to the ground, she had her head in her hands. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

“Oh, there you are Emi—” Pepin’s words cut off, and she looked up to see him a few steps away, shock clear on his face. “What happened?” He came forward quickly, crouching down in front of her and taking her shoulders. “Your hair... are you alright?”

All it took was seeing the green eyes and she broke. Tears slid down as she closed her eyes, her face scrunching up while she released a pathetic whimper. His arms were around her, and she sobbed unceremoniously into his shoulder.

Quiet as ever, he simply wrapped his arms tighter around her and she melted into him. She guiltily soaked up every inch of affection and comfort he offered, thinking if she could stay in this position forever then maybe she might just be able to maintain some semblance of contentment.

She cried until the well dried out then pulled away to wipe her nose.

He handed her a handkerchief and she blew noisily into it. Looking up with puffy eyes, her heart fluttered at the concern and care waiting in his face.

“How... how bad does it look?” she asked in a stuffy voice, glancing away in embarrassment.

He sat beside her on the stump. “It looks fine, Emi.” She gave him a look, and he exhaled quickly. “Maybe a bit uneven on this side. May I fix it for you?”

Nodding mutely, she picked up the dropped knife and handed it over before turning away from him on the stump. Gentle hands went to work, tickling the back of her neck.

After a moment of silence, she said quietly, “Um, thanks.”

“‘Course. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I— I just couldn’t stand my hair anymore. Feels nice, out here where it’s so hot and humid.”

There was a pause. “Does it have something to do with what your mother said about your hair being up?”

She clenched her jaw and did not respond.

“Emi, don’t take anything she said to heart. It’s poison. All of it. I know you, and you’re a good person. She isn’t, and I think that kills her inside. The way you handled it... I don’t think most people would have been able to. You’re strong and I don’t just mean your arms.”

She gave a wet laugh, wiping her eyes. “You flatter me too much...”

He gave a final shink of the knife before tapping her shoulder. “All done.” She turned back to him and was surprised to hear him sigh. “Emi… I’m sorry I couldn’t help more and that I didn’t speak up when I should have. Maybe I could have prevented her from saying all those terrible things. I just—”

Placing a hand on his shoulder, she leaned forward and gave him a light peck on the cheek. “It’s okay.” Pulling back, she found those green eyes. “You’ve helped plenty as it is.” 

He searched her face with a mix of surprise and emotion. “I have?”

She nodded, then glanced to the side. “Besides, she’s always acted like that since I was a kid and now is no different. I should be used to it and used to what she did to me.”

“You don’t need to ‘get used’ to bad treatment, Emi. You deserve more than that. So much more. The things she did to you in just one conversation were awful.”

“I know. Living with Adrian and Jacques... It’s so different. I feel safe and wanted there and loved unconditionally. The thought of ever having to leave any of you...”

“I thought you wanted to leave the house and be all independent from Jacques.” He said it lightheartedly, and she gave a small smirk in response.

“Well, that may be true, but this trip has changed a lot of things. I do love Jacques and Adrian, and maybe it’s not so bad being near family. You know, my real family. You, and Jacques, and Adrian, and Toulou.”

He hummed in agreement, then there was a flash of something distant in his expression. “Right. Family.” 

“Is... something wrong?”

He shook his head quickly. “No, of course not. We’re a really great family and... really great siblings.”

“Siblings?”

“Yeah?” Something glimmered in his eyes, and he hesitated before asking softly, “Do you not view us as siblings?”

She blinked. “No. Not at all. We have the same adoptive fathers, sure, but we both had different childhoods with different parents. You and I are family but not in that sense.”

His expression was unreadable. There was silence until his eyes shifted to her head and he offered a small smile. “You should look at your hair now.”

She groaned. “Should I? I don’t want to.”

“It’s not bad at all. It actually suits your face nicely.”

“Really?” She leaned over to look down into the water, turning her head back and forth. “You’re right! I… kind of like it.” She touched it, then smiled a bit. “I really like it, now that I’m looking at it.”

“Well, of course. Emi, your hair is always beautiful—short or long.”

She looked at him quickly. “You’re... not just saying that?”

Something bright and vulnerable filled his face as he shook his head. He stood, offering his hand. “We should go to bed, don’t you think?”

Taking it with her own, she let him help her to her feet. “Probably a good idea.”

He led the way.

As they neared the campsite, she tugged on Pepin’s sleeve, and he glanced back at her.

She gave a silent little smile of acknowledgement. “Thanks... again.”

He smiled back with a sliver of something hidden inside those green orbs that she couldn’t quite interpret.