abby_gay_ill

Sorry it took so long to come out! Also, oops i accidentally messed up with a massive plot hole so have had to re-edit a big chunk of the chapter! oops!

I needed some time to think. I needed to process things, needed to work through it on my own. I told Leah as much, and she gave me the space I needed. All I had to do was actually undertake the self-reflection. However, it is far too easy in this day and age to provide yourself with near-limitless distraction on demand. So I spent the bulk of the evening focusing diligently on not thinking about the issue at hand, at ignoring the conclusion I would inevitably arrive at.

But all things must come to an end, and eventually the time came to prepare for bed. I spent another half-hour or so deftly deflecting the creeping anticipation using my phone, but I could only reasonably stay online for so long, before I would have to make some token attempt at sleep. Besides, I didn't want to keep Leah up too late. Which left me alone, in the silent dark. Alone save for my thoughts, the snaking, slithering kind, that wrapped themselves around my consciousness, until the pressure of avoiding them grew agonizing, aching even.

I liked it. Being Penny. I liked the freedom, the lack of expectation. It felt like all my life I had been Atlas, and nobody had thought to tell me that the world wouldn't end if I didn't bear its weight. It felt real, realer than any day in my life before had. I enjoyed being Penny, truly. I wanted to be her. But was that enough? A part of me (the logical part, in retrospect) said yes, that all it took to be a girl was a want, that I knew that well enough in my quest to 'be a good ally'.

So what, then, was the issue? Why did a part of me still flinch at the idea, scamper away like a cornered animal? Phrased like that, I suppose, the answer presents itself. Fear. That was all there was to it. I was afraid. Afraid I wouldn't be good enough. That such a thing was beyond my abilities, that no matter how hard I tried, I would fall short. It's like, feminism 101, being a woman means being constantly scrutinised against the rigid criteria of what a woman is allowed to be. Then again, it's kind of also feminism 101 that those criteria are bullshit, and that failing to live up to impossibly high standards of womanhood is inevitable. Being unable to meet all of society's demands of womanhood is something that countless women, maybe even all women, have to deal with. So it's not like I'd be the only one.

Gah, I hate how logical I am sometimes. If fearing 'not doing womanhood properly' isn't something I can cling to any more, then what else do I have? I've certainly progressed well beyond the point of reasonable denial, and it's not like I could pretend that Leah wouldn't be okay with it. She seemed positively enthusiastic about the concept. God, even my parents were like, super liberal and accepting. Things sure would be easier if there were some tangible obstacle preventing me from going through with this.

Out of an instinct to ratify my emotional discomfort, to make it physical, I went to run a hand along my persistent stubble, but my face was still relatively smooth. I guess I needed a more effective reminder. I sneaked to our bathroom, flicked the lights on and stared at my reflection. I could still see it, weirdly, how I might look like a girl. I could see the potential there, lying under the masculine exterior. It gave me hope. God, Leah would be holding this over me for months. She'd be all like 'Ohhh, lookit you, little miss "I literally volunteered to dress up as a girl, but it still took me a whole night to figure out I'm trans."'

Wait, fuck. I just sort of gave the game away there, didn't I? By abstracting my thoughts away from myself, attributing them to somebody else, I was able to admit to what I'd been avoiding this whole time, the thing I'd been subconsciously evading while I argued myself into a corner.

I'm transgender. I'm a girl. I'm Penny, even. I spared another glance at the mirror. The girl within was beaming at me, overcome with euphoria, with sheer joy at having found herself. And she was me. The girl in the mirror was me! I got to be a girl! I got to be Penny! It was so exciting! I couldn't help just staring at myself, grinning goofily at the reflection, satisfied with how it finally lived up to its name. I was so... tired. Right, yeah, it was really late. A brief check of my phone confirmed it was, in fact, one in the morning, and I really ought to get to bed.

I stared at myself in the mirror once again. The hope I felt earlier was faded, and I felt nothing but a keen awareness of every subtle masculinity that marred my face. I should have never taken that make-up off. I was terrified I might have destroyed that girl who existed briefly in the mirror, that I might never see her again. But that's just more catastrophising, and it isn't going to lead me anywhere productive. I will see that girl again, I promised myself. Leah can conjure her up whenever I need. After a little effort, and after a fashion, I might be able to as well. Heck, maybe one day I won't need make-up to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I fumbled the lights off, and proceeded to properly wipe my face in blissful darkness. With cleanser this time, as apparently, flannel alone was insufficient. I saw the skirt I had worn today, which had somehow made its way to the bathroom floor. Was this another of Leah's schemes? If so, I was falling for it, hook line and sinker. I quickly put it on, just because I could, and scampered to bed. Unsurprisingly, given my tiredness, sleep came quickly, and dreamlessly.

The first thing that came into awareness were the arms wrapped comfortably around my stomach. The second thing was the feeling of Leah's slow, relaxed breathing on the back of my neck. She was probably still asleep. The third thing I became aware of was everything. The weight of last night, the whole day, even, hit me all at once. That was all real, wasn't it? I- Oh god, I had to tell Leah. When she woke up, that is. Waking her up might cause her to take this worse. Not that I thought she would take it bad, but it'd still be a lot to ask, right? Like, sure, she was bisexual, but like, she was into me as a guy, maybe she wouldn't be into me as a girl? I don't know, I'm sure I could fabricate a far more reasonable-sounding concern were I not quite so sleepy, not quite so comfortable.

Leah's arms tightened around me slightly, and she whispered "Good morning, princess," her voice a breathy sigh. Oh. I pushed my body up against hers. Gosh, she was so warm, so soft. I hoped one day I could be that soft. I melted into her, fitting myself neatly into the curve of her body. Hey, stop that. You're supposed to be coming out to her, not just cuddling her. Through an incredible feat of willpower, I managed to tear myself away from her, and rolled myself over so we were face-to-face. Her face was so close to mine, and she had this adorable sleepy smile and I just wanted to close that distance and- No. Stop getting distracted. We're on a mission here.

"I had the strangest dream," she mused lazily. Oh, so she thinks this was all a dream? Gotta nip that in the bud.

"It, uh- It wasn't a dream." The trepidation made my voice shaky, but I hoped she was too sleepy to notice.

Her eyes widened. "What?" Uh oh. This was not good. I needed to backpedal, and quickly. Before I got a chance, she pulled me in close, and... looked down my shirt? "God, Penny, don't scare me like that."

Wait, what? What could she have been dreaming about? "What?" Wait, she called me Penny? "What?"

"What? Why are you so confused?"

"That's- Look, that's not important." Here goes something. "Leah, I have something to tell you."

"Already?" Leah looked more relieved than shocked.

"What do you mean already?"

"Nevermind, take your time. Sorry for interrupting."

"Okay... Well, look, this might be weird, and it's okay if this makes you uncomfortable or you need some time to process this..." Here it is. Point of no return. "I'm transgender."

Her eyes lit up. "Yay!!! Good job!" This was... unexpected, to say the least. "I'm so proud of you, babe!"

"Wait, so you're not, like, upset, or even shocked?"

"Why would I be upset? I'm honestly just glad you figured it out quickly enough, I was worried you'd be agonising over it for weeks." Rude!

"You knew?"

"Wh- Yes? Of course? I literally said you were allowed to be Penny?" Now that she mentioned it, I did recall her saying something to that effect. I felt like a fool for worrying about it so much. In a perfectly practiced display of emotional regulation, I buried my face in her chest out of shame.

Then I noticed what exactly what I was doing, and pulled my head quickly back, out of a different yet no less powerful kind of shame.

"Gosh, you're adorable, Penny." Each time she called me Penny, it set a clutch of butterflies aflutter in my stomach. I was beginning to worry I wouldn't have room for breakfast.

I shifted up onto my elbow. "Uhm- Is it, would it be okay if we went on that proper date tonight?"

A saccharine smile. "I'd love that. In fact, I have this adorable dress that's a few sizes too small for me, but I bet it'd look great on you."

I let out a mirthless chuckle. "Maybe in a few years."

Leah cupped my face in a single hand. "Hey, you'll get there, ok? And given the gorgeous flower you already are, I can't wait to see you in bloom."

I buried my face as far as I could into her hand, which wasn't much. Based on her smug expression, it did very little to hide my blush. I rapidly recalled the things we'd said, looking for something to drive the conversation away from this topic, any kind of diversion from the clusterfluster we were headed towards now.

"So, uh, what exactly was your dream about?"

She looked confused. I'd succeeded, then. Put her on the back foot. "What?"

"You know, the dream that you had, the one I said really happened, because I was confused."

Her eyes twinkled with a feigned innocence I found frighteningly familiar, like the lure of an angler fish. "Why are you asking?"

"Well, it's just, you, you know, looked down my shirt to confirm that the dream wasn't real. It was weird, and it made me curious."

"Oh," Leah mused, a finger playfully resting on her bottom lip, "I dreamt you'd been on HRT for a while, and were more, let's say developed, than you are now."

"And?" I was instantly entranced, by this potential future me she had literally dreamt up. "What happened?"

"I could tell you, if you'd like..." I noticed the jaws of the trap closing around me entirely too late, and suddenly Leah was on top of me, a wild hunger in her eyes. "Or, I could show you?"

We never ended up going on that date. We had far more pressing matters to attend to.