She gazed forewarnly into a mirror at her prefect figure. “I hate the prophecy!” angsted Mary Sue, “for it states that I must chose between Jeff and Steve!” She sobbed tears from her shimmering blue eyes that shimmered like the shimmering sapphires of shimmerness.
“Why must I chose between love while also inheriting the magical power of pure beauty and the ability to melt people with a mere thought. Whoa is me! I guess I will go stop the dark lord now with the power of true love, and maybe with a side of the power of friendship."
Mary Sue continued her adventure throughout the world. She met three handsome new men along the way: Anthony, Greg and Bob. Anthony, Greg, Bob, Steve and Jeff continued to compete for the heart of Mary Sue.
Just then, they saw something horribly horrifically horrifying. An evil Megacorp was about to kill all the bears even though in actuality they had swallowed a little boy whole the other day and they were simply relocating them to a habitat where they could calm down. But obviously they were evil for this, thought Mary Sue and her bevy of buff boys.
“You can’t do that! We need to preserve nature by recycling and saving water and cleaning the beaches! If you remove those bears from their habitats they will go extinct thanks to you monsters!” And blah, blah, blah for 12 pages straight until they all fell asleep.
“And that’s why we need more trees because trees and nature are always good! Just like bears! Bears are so nice and cuddly and not at all large, opportunistic and territorial omnivores,” Mary Sue said, ending her long 12 page diatribe.
“You are so wise, Mary Sue,” Greg said as he ripped off his shirt again to reveal his glistening, rock-hard abs. “And you are so sexy too.”
“I must have you now!” Anthony said as he ripped off his shirt with his powerful biceps. “Your brilliant speech was so powerful that it has left all of the mercenaries from Evil Inc stunned!”
“Actually,” Steve said, “I think they just fell asleep from boredom. Also, why is my shirt gone?”
“Back off, Steve!” Bob yelled as his shirt ripped off from flexing his well defined pectoral muscles. “Mary Sue effortlessly saved the day, but now we must decide who will win her heart.”
“The answer is obvious,” Jeff said, sunlight glistening off the oil that covered his chiseled chest. “We must get oiled up and have a shirtless wrestling match!”
And while everyone was distracted, the hand of the Plot caught an unsuspecting Steve, and put him on a cliff where he was hanging there along with his common sense. Forever.
"Um, hello? Hello!?" Steve asked, looking at the abyss under him and desiring some help.
And as Steve was literally hanging over a cliff AKA stuck in a cliffhanger, the shirtless wrestling match commences.
“Oh no! Which boring, one-dimensional, cardboard cutout will I choose?” Mary Sue angsted.
“I do so enjoy throwing stones from my glass house.” Anthony chuckled.
"Perhaps Anthony." Mary Sue thought. As you can imagine, nobody won the match.
Then they discovered the Not-Necronomicon and were scared shitless by what was inside.
This was what they found inside of it:
“But, Idh-yaa!” Cthulhu cried, “You know the stars are not right and our love is forbidden!”
“I don’t care!” Idh-ya said, her voice dripping in ecstasy. “I must have you!”
And then Cthulhu and Idh-ya started making many Horrible Horrific Horrors to Harry and Hound Helpless Humans [Not-Necronomicon Author Note: I put some Added Alliterative Appeal! a phrase with seven whole words starting with the letter 'H'!].
“Let’s attack the author. I’m sure that will end well.” Greg said.
This was their stunning and highly critical review:
THIS BOOK TRIED TO EAT MY FACE OFF! Also it summoned ancient horrors from beyond time and space and filled my mind with frightful truths. There are lots of other horrible things too like detailing human sacrificial rights to ripping souls from the body and sending them into a state of unlife, but the worst part is the author’s clear POLITICAL BIAS!
But oh no! The author was the leader of the Society of Cthulhu!
“You left a negative review on our book! Prepare to be eaten alive by Cthulhu!” The cult leader bellowed intimidatingly as dark magic was activated.
Horrible Horrific Horrors who Have desire to Harry and Hound Helpless Humans appeared, planning to harry and hound Mary Sue and her band.
“Run!” Bob shouted as they scattered.
And then they fled the Horrible Horrific Horrors who are Harrying and Hounding their Helpless Human bodies by going to the Space Needle in the Bronx, before dashing past the Louvre and jumping atop Big Ben. One somersault later and they landed on the Sears Tower before dropping down next to Epcot!
Suddenly, the Plot turned its sights towards to other individuals who picked its interest.
Casually suspending Mary Sue and her band in the Narrative Limbo, it decides to watch the epic battle of two individuals: Garack and his barbarian opponent.
Garak swung his iron sword at his barbarian opponent at a furious 11 meters per second. His barbarian opponent raised his wooden shield with a bronze boss by 40 centimeters to deflect the blow.
Garak kept breathing because if he didn't he would die since his body needed oxygen to keep working. It was all very exciting because Garak felt excited.
Then Garak and his barbarian opponent swung their swords at the same time. Garak's barbarian opponent got sliced into 12,858,051,967,633,865 pieces.
Meanwhile, Garak had a tiny scratch on his face, showing how difficult the fight was. Garak felt relaxed because the sight of his barbarian opponent sliced into 12,858,051,967,633,865 pieces was relaxing.
After that particular filler episode, the Plot returns to Mary Sue and her band!
“But surely we can redeem Duke Draken Direburn with the power of love and friendship and all things good?” Mary Sue asked, for she was the kindest person on Earth. And everyone groaned at such a boring solution.
Then the mentor spoke up to enlighten Mary Sue on the situation.
The mentor mentored, “No. Duke Draken Direburn is evil for he is PURE EVIL and perhaps MADE OF EVIL because evil is a substance now apparently."
Just as the mentor finished his statement of how Duke Draken Direburn is evil, the group found the EVIL CONCENTRETE.
The mentor exclaimed, "Oh look! I discovered something!”
EVIL CONCENTRATE
Side effects include: Spontaneous laughing, monologues, explaining plans to prisoners, planning of elaborate public executions perfect for romantic confessions before a dramatic rescue, sudden urge to kill own minions for failure, saying crap like “it ends now!” or “pitiful mortals”, using a traumatic past as an excuse for morally reprehensible actions, dependence on macguffins for invincibility and nausea.
Do not operate heavy machinery while on Evil Concentrate. Take with lots of water.
Note: Using this on a pure-of heart kid would make them Spank-Happy with a penchant of reddening all bottoms. Especially the Mary Sue variants.
“So that explains why he’s so evil.” Mary Sue said. And they ran up to him where Mary Sue blasted him to smithereens with her super-magic tech powers of fire, water, earth, air, lightning and magic combined.
They continued to search for villains to kill, like the people who take candies from kids, and the people who cut trees, as well as those who look at a girl in the beach more than a few seconds.
There was also that guy who was obsessed with putting people in death traps. Mary Sue forgot his name. Jigsaw or something? He died because his traps were too weak for Anthony, Greg, Bob and Jeff and were broken when making contact with their muscular bodies, before Mary Sue disintegrated him with a thought.
There was also that guy calling himself Yhwach the King of Quincy who said he could see and change the future. He died after realizing how imperfect and not-omniscient he was when he looked at Mary Sue.
"Wow! This world is full of bad guys!" Mary Sue said as she obliterated the latest bandit. He was supposedly protecting his family by doing bad stuff, but it was clear he was lying to her. That little child who called him in a sad tone "big brother!" was definitely acting.
After destroying yet another man who dared to look at a woman in her bikini while in the beach, Mary Sue and her band met a twenty-year-old man who simply called himself The Antihero. He was so handsome Mary Sue became infatuated with him instantly.
“I have a tragic backstory.” Antihero angsted.
“Oh you poor thing! What is your tragic backstory?” Mary Sue sobbed in sympathy, completely ignoring the man she had just obliterated.
“My tragic backstory is that the author forgot to give me any backstory.” He deadpanned. "Also, you left a piece of that guy." he told her with a stoic glare before he used his large sword to slice the piece into a 1000 lesser pieces.
And then Antihero transformed his gun into a sword! “Wow! So cool!” Mary Sue squealed.
But he simply turned around, his hand in a fist and a five o’ clock shadow forming. “Revenge…” "Huh?” Mary Sue asked.
He whispered in Mary Sue’s ear intimidatingly, “I will kill him…”
"Um, hello? Can I ask you to leave that sword-gun thing away please? There are children here." A random woman in bikini asked, wondering why this guy is wearing black all over in a beach, and worrying about the guy's weapon.
"Silence. Extra." Antihero glared then sliced her into 2000 pieces.
"So cool!" Mary Sue was awed as Greg, Anthony, Bob and Jeff were showing off their muscles and Antihero showed his slicing prowess.
Before they knew it, Christmas arrived. They were all binging on sweets and hot cocoa. Then Santa came! “Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! I have gifts for you all!”
For the love interests (except for Antihero) he gave them body pillows of Mary Sue, which she was blushing over.
“And I have a special gift for you, Mary Sue,” Santa said as he reached into his bag and pulled out a dozen oiled, muscled men without shirts.
“And for you, Antihero, I have an even bigger sword!” Santa said.
Just then a man with an evil grin appeared. It was Lord Killington the Third!
“YOU! YOU KILLED TRAGICA!” Antihero shouted suddenly.
“Tragica?” Mary Sue asked.
Tears began pouring from Antihero’s eyes. “Tragica Diesoon was the one person who loved me for who I was and not just because of my appearance. And she was killed by him! AND NOW HE WILL PAY!” he shouted angrily, prepared to slice Lord Killington the Third into 3000 pieces.
Steve, who had finally managed to get out of the literal cliffhanger he was stuck in could only ask in confusion. "Tragica Diesoon? Why did her parents name her that? Did they predict she would die?"
Antihero sliced him into 4000 pieces, throwing him into the Plot's Garbage Bin.
After dealing with Steve and his rationality, Antihero was about to slice Lord Killington the Third in 6,000 pieces when suddenly Lord Killington the Third snarled, “I’m sure that will cure your eternal pain, Alistair.”
That shocked the hell out of everyone. “He actually has a name?!” Mary Sue exclaimed.
"What? I am Antihero. There's no Alistair here." Antihero glared, promising to slice Lord Killington the Third into 9001 pieces.
Lord Killington the Third grinned. "But it is your name! The name I planned to choose for you when I got your hand for marriage! Unfortunately, Tragica Diesoon came into the picture..."
Lord Killington the Third chuckled, continuing. “Alistair was in love with me for years, you see. Then he met Tragica. I couldn’t let her steal him from me, so I killed her. I thought he would fall at my feet, but he instead attacked me in a rage.”
Then Antihero sliced him into 165,329,500,402,373,107,309,526,694,838,225 pieces. It was finally over, he had fulfilled his revenge... When suddenly a voice sent shivers to all of their spines.
"Man, that's an extremely large number. I believe you were too excessive. Antihero."
Mary Sue and Antihero looked at the direction of the voice, finding... Ajimu Najimi, a Medaka Box character who had managed to find her way in this world of cliches.
"Welcome, Mary Sue, Antihero, and... background extras." Ajimu smiled, ignoring Antihero's glare. "I am Ajimu Najimi, an unbiased non-human. Since we've introduced ourselves to each other, please call me Anshin'in-san~"
Then she had activated one of her 12,858,051,967,633,865 skills, Plot Hanger, to keep this chapter into a cliffhanger, finishing it right then and there.
With the chapter ending, Mary Sue and Antihero find their battle left on a cliffhanger, not knowing when they will finally fight.
Will they win? Lose? Who knows! Not even the Plot knows!
Keep yourselves on your toes for the next chapter of The Epci Journey of Mary Sue!
