每天你的迩机会人边人擦肩而过 (měitiān nǐde ěr jīhuì rénbiān rén cā jiān érguò) – You brush past so many people every day.
- Chung King Express, Wong Kar Wai
Zéyì brought Gong Lau Jan to see Mǎn Jīang. She didn't go inside herself, departing as soon as the loong had entered the cell where Mǎn Jīang sat, trapped in an illusion formation that showed her a single small island, surrounded by water as far as the eye could see.
Instead, Zéyì walked back into the main palace, seeking her mother's chambers. The rooms were simple and elegant, without excessive decorations, and no apparent hiding places. Even scanning with her taijitu eyes revealed nothing.
Shu Kui had said she had found the scrap of paper she had brought to Zéyì, under the Regent's personal bookshelves. Zéyì crouched and checked the floor, but again came up with nothing.
She drew the scrap from her sleeve and read it once more.
I'm forgetting who I am, some days. I have to write to remember that I'm Mun Gong, not Chūn Yīlì. Or maybe I'm both. I am both, I suppose.
Would things have worked out better if I told her who I was? Probably not, she surely despises me.
The writing seemed uneven and scattered, some characters written in the complex Zyu script, others in the simpler style of Xiang. Zéyì could just about understand it.
Her eyes drifted up to the bookshelves. Row upon row of neat history books greeted her. She was somewhat impressed; her mother had amassed an amazing collection.
A historical tome on Zyu caught her attention. Where had her mother found this? It seemed like a rare object. Zéyì took it from the shelf and flicked it open.
[56th Day of the 25th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
I can't find her. I can't find her. I can't find her.
[57th Day of the 25th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
The waters are subsiding. I can't find her.
[58th Day of the 25th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
Where did I send her? What have I done? Shénzhī is sick with anxiety, despite the improving weather.
I don't deserve such a good man. He has always treated Dzak Yat like his own daughter.
[59th Day of the 25th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
Please come back. Your father really is sick now. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I think Sōng Róng will kill me. I think I have to die first.
[60th Day of the 25th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
After observing Shénzhī closely, I've begun to mimic his symptoms. When he first heard me begin to cough, his face... I had thought my heart had died years ago with Dzi Ming. I was wrong. But I can't stop. I have to survive.
Zéyì was trembling. Sōng Róng. Her elder.. no... the Crown Prince.
Her fingers shakily traced the characters 'Dzi Ming' over and over. A Zyu name. A man?
Father?
She pulled book after book down from the shelves. Every one contained writing in her mother's hand.
[102nd Day of the 2nd Year of the Reign of the Fourth Regent of Chūn]
Should I give up? How can I? I caused this, what right do I have to give up?
[210th Day of the 3rd Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
My first son was born to Shénzhī today. He's a big boy, he'll grow quickly, so soon, soon, Dzak Yat can stop hiding and we can introduce her as Shénzhī's second child.
She's so small.
[284th Day]
What have I done?
[80th Day of the 5th Year of the Reign of the Third Regent of Chūn]
Dzak Yat is so talented. My lovely daughter, her martial and spiritual capabilities are all I could have hoped for her. I just wish she were a little more ambitious. If she isn't, the world will eat her alive.
[305th Day of the 7th Year of the Reign of the Sixth Regent of Chūn]
I realised today that the servant's faces are all new. I called for Sháo today. She has been dead for three decades.
[26th Day of the 9th Year of the Reign of the Fifth Regent of Chūn]
Everyone who knew me as Mun Gong is gone.
[154th Day of the 2nd Year of the Reign of the Fourth Regent of Chūn]
I saw Caam Lei today. He's changed. He didn't remember me. He hid it, but half of his face has burnt, the eye white and sightless. His red hair is white too.
He brought her skin to me, looking to sell it. Sell it! Gods, I... I was so tempted. When I forget myself I could lie down and wrap the skin around me, and remember again.
I told him it was a supremely valuable item, belonging to someone very important. He should hold onto it. He shrugged philosophically and took it away. I wish I had made him stay.
The writing was often blurred, where drops of water had dissolved the ink. Tears.
The back of Zéyì's nose stung, and her eyes were swimming. She looked around at the books haphazardly piled around her, and back up at the shelves where still more books waited.
The servant waiting outside the chambers jumped as Zéyì flung the doors open.
"Bring me food and tea, please. Otherwise, I am not to be disturbed today, by anyone. No exceptions."
And so, for the whole day, and far into the night, Zéyì sorted the books into chronological order, and read.
“Her Majesty will not be taking visitors today.”
Gong Lau Jan pinched the bridge of her nose. “I have something very important to discuss with her.”
“Her Majesty has specified that there be no exceptions.”
“I see.”
[83rd Day of the 10th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu that bastard]
What do I do? I don't want to do this. Why won't he say anything?
[84th Day of the 10th Year of the Reign of that dog]
I wish I was stronger. Is it so wrong to want to control your own life?
[90th Day of the 10th Year of the Reign of King Dog]
I met someone today. A pretty woman, although her eyes were a little strange, and sometimes she sang to herself at odd times. She was strong, though. She taught me how to use the little Fire affinity I have.
[6th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
It's creeping closer and closer. I have to do something.
[11th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
I hope it worked.
[39th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
It worked.
[42nd Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
It didn't work.
[43rd Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of that fucking dog-faced coward]
No. No, they can't. Zyu Dzi Ming, you coward. Why won't you say anything? You coward!
Zyu Dzi Ming. Zyu Dzi Ming...
[The days don't deserve to be named after that dog anymore. 1st Day of the glorious reign of Queen Gong Ming Zyu!]
Her Divine Majesty stepped in today. I'm forever grateful. Those dogs complained about the balance of power and overstepping of bounds, but she sent them all away. I'm safe. My little one is safe.
[68th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
A girl. I already have a name for her, but I have to wait until after she's safely born. I can't attract demons.
[83rd Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
They're still trying to get me married to the new king of Ceon. Of Chun. Idiots. As if I could now.
[95th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
He finally tried to see me today. How dare he.
[102nd Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
He has come to my chambers every day, even though I refuse to see him. Don't you have a country to run, Your Earthly Majesty?
Zéyì gripped the book hard. The old pages, brittle, crackled dangerously.
[112th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
We went for a walk together. He gave me his arm to lean on,and I almost cried. I know he loves me. Why can't we be happy together?
[113th Day of the 11th Year of the Reign of the Twenty-First Regent of Zyu]
I told him the name I wanted to give our daughter. He gave me that look, and said it was just like me.
I can't wait. Zyu Dzak Yat. I'm so happy. I'm too happy for anything to go wrong. I won't let it.
[150th cursed day of the 11th fucking year of that inhuman shit-faced mongrel]
So that's it, is it? I'm still going to be sold off to Ceon? And what, you'll keep Dzak Yat, is that it? And don't pretend to be upset – you could say one word, and this would all end. Is your 'impartiality' so important? Are you so afraid of being called 'corrupt' that you would let the woman you love marry someone else?
I guess I was wrong. You don't love me.
I have to handle this myself.
“Has Her Majesty still not emerged?” Gong Lau Jan asked, that evening.
A different servant stood by the doors. “No, My Lady.”
“Has she eaten?”
“Her Majesty has been provided food and tea, as she requested.”
[253rd Day of the 11th Year of that man's reign]
Dzak Yat was born yesterday. I managed to hold on until now.
I'm sorry, my precious one. I forced you out into the world early. You're so small. But we have no time.
[282nd Day of the 11th Year of that man's reign]
The month of sitting will be over tomorrow. They're already preparing my bridal attire and transport. Idiots idiots idiots idiots idiots idiots
[283 Last Day of the Reign of the Heavenly Light, the One Who Guides, the Glorious Earthly Majesty Zyu Dzi Ming]
My new friends and I will not let you get rid of us so easily.
Night was falling. Zéyì called for the lanterns to be lit. The inside of her mouth felt raw.
[I don't know what day it is]
I think I've crossed into Ceon. Into Chun. The baking heat, the dryness, stopped ten lei behind me.
Dzi Ming, what have I done?
[29th Day of the 2nd Year of the Reign of the Regent of Chun]
Chun Shénzhī is a big and scary-looking man, but he's still young and gentle. I'm both relieved and guilty, but this is all I can do to survive now, to keep Dzak Yat safe.
“Zéyì.” Gong Lau Jan sat in the window. Her grey-brown eyes wandered over the piles of books. “They'll still be here tomorrow. You should rest.”
Zéyì looked at her blankly, then turned back to the book.
[40th Day of the 2nd Year of the Reign of the Regent of Chun]
We will marry after all. I can't be anything other than a concubine, not with Zyu...
“Zéyì.”
“What?”
“I'm sorry.”
“And?”
“I thought you had been through enough. I honestly didn't realise, at first. Ze ze only hinted about you to me, when she was alive. It only began to occur to me who you were when Zyu Ji Sang told me you remembered meeting someone who sounded like Ming Zyu.”
“That was months ago.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
Gong Lau Jan looked miserable. “You've been sick, and stressed. I was hoping you would get better before you needed to think about what you were going to do, but then you marched into Chun... So I... Now what? You've just claimed Chun as your birthright... but you're not related to the Chun royal family.”
From the way that Zéyì's eyes widened, Gong Lau Jan had another realisation. “You didn't think about that, did you? You... See, this is why...”
The heir of a kingdom that had all but ceased to exist, overthrowing the royal family of another country.
“Does anyone else know?” Gong Lau Jan said urgently.
“... Shu Kui... knows that my mother and Chūn Yīlì are the same person. And she would know who my mother was, to a certain extent.”
“Who is Shu Kui?”
“The Head of Intelligence. You might have seen her, the first day...”
“That woman leaving the throne room? Do you trust her?”
Zéyì turned sick eyes towards Gong Lau Jan. “I don't trust anyone.”
“These books...”
“We can't get rid of them.” Zéyì looked around her helplessly like she was drowning in the paper. “They're all... They... She was so lonely, Gong Ze.”
The loong slid to the floor, and knelt before Zéyì. “So are you.”
“And you.”
A rueful laugh was the response, but Gong Lau Jan sobered quickly. “I... would like to help you, Zéyì. If you'll let me.” She looked exhausted, but her gaze was still gentle.
“No... I'm supposed to be helping you...”
“Is that the kind of relationship you want? Where we have to make sure we are always taking turns giving and receiving? I don't think that's right.”
“I don't know.”
“I do. First, we should secure these so no one else can get them. It's amazing that no one looked before. Hiding in plain sight! Mun Gong was always such a smart girl.”
She helped Zéyì stand. The woman gripped her hand.
“Gong Ze?”
“Yes?”
“Once we've protected the writing, could you please tell me... everything? I know it's written here, but I want to hear from you too. Please.”
“Once we've set up a protection array, and you've had something to eat, and we've both had a good sleep. Then...”
“Then.”
“I will.”
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