CW: grieving death
A few flakes of snow spiralled downwards.
Eitsu looked at the motionless shape in front of her. It looked like Tsubaki. It had her form, her colours, her scent. It lay where she had been standing. All in all, it seemed like it would stand up at any moment, and address her with Tsubaki's cool little voice, and those shy dark eyes.
The body did not do any of those things.
At that moment, the only thought that Eitsu had was, What will I tell Aya-chan?
She thought that it might be a good idea to sit down. So she did, still looking at the body.
So this was what it was like, seeing the one you loved most in the world die before you. Sitting by their body. Eitsu thought of Tsubaki, crouched by the corpses of her previous lives. Over and over.
"Is this... my punishment? Tsu-bo, are you getting your revenge?" Eitsu rolled the corpse over almost hopefully. Death had stripped away Tsubaki's dignified beauty. The jaw hung slack, the eyelids rolled upwards and the dark eyes stared sightlessly at the sky. Already she was growing cold. Soon, the carcass would begin to leak fluids.
Slowly, Eitsu curled away. Even as she screamed inwardly at herself to take Tsubaki in her arms, hold her, cry over her, her body recoiled.
It's not her. She's not there.
Her vision skipped, blurred, dissolved and came together again. She couldn't remember how her hands worked. For some reason, the image of Rei swearing vehemently popped into her stunned brain and she giggled aloud. What a weird reaction! Why did he do that? Had he not expected to kill her? Had he not intended to? What an idiot!
An idiot...
Who's the idiot here?
The corpse crammed its way back into the forefront of her mind and she sprang physically away, from the body, from the thought.
She'd seen bodies before. Of course she had. She had lived nine lives over more than a thousand years. Why was this so different? She felt light-headed and silly. Is this what hysterics is like? So weird...
"Stop that," she snapped aloud. It was an approximation of Tsubaki's tone, a decisive voice to get her moving. Suddenly sober, she returned to the body and arranged it carefully, although there was nothing she could do about the face. She tried closing the eyelids, but they slowly began to creep up again and she didn't want to touch the body any more. Instead, she took off her outermost robe and laid it over the body, including the face, then compulsively scrubbed at her forearms.
Automatically, she clapped her hands thrice. "Izanami no Mikoto, Great Goddess of Yomi, please guide Tsubaki saf- safel-"
She stood frozen in place, throat working but no sound escaping her mouth.
Safe.
All those vain promises. She hadn't done a damn thing.
This time, Tsubaki had died.
Overwhelming anger stuffed a fist down her throat and tore a wordless scream from her chest. Black fur sprouted all over her. Her pupils became huge black holes, and the whites disappeared under her expanding gold irises. Black smoke oozed off her, pooling around her feet, rising off her fur, disappating as it did, over and over.
There was someone watching her. She could see them out of the corner of her eye, but she had other things to think about for the moment. In any case, they let her scream and grow fur and slam her hands, her paws, into the ground until everything was broken and bloody and she finally ran out of energy and her vision blackened and returned. Perhaps they stood there for days, just watching.
"It's time for her to go, Lady," a mild voice said. Eitsu looked expressionlessly over her shoulder at the newcomer.
Opposite each other like distorted reflections, where Eitsu was dark, this dog-headed character had pure white fur, although their robes were black without a single ornament. Eitsu crouched, while the other stood upright. The newcomer brought their pale human hands together and bowed respectfully.
"Eitsubyou no Mikoto."
Eitsu stared, unfocused. The black smoke curled protectively around her. "Shinigami.”
"I am the shinigami Kana1悲 - Compassion, grieve; a character often used in words relating to sorrow and regret.. It is a pleasure to meet you."
"You look like him. I don't like it." Eitsu stretched out her hand, somewhere halfway between a human appendage and a cat's paw, and let her long claws slowly extend.
Kana cocked their head. They had one floppy ear and one that stood up. "Who is this person you speak of?"
"The one that caused this... situation. Shouldn't you know that?"
"I'm afraid that is a question for the administration office. I patrol this area and guide any deceased spirits I find. I bring them to the office, and the administrators check the details.” Kana scratched their ear. “ A person who looked like me, hm? You must have been very close to the deceased. I am sorry." Kana bowed again.
"You wear black like him," Eitsu said, as if in a trance. "He... How could he... I thought shinigami couldn't..."
"I can't answer those questions, Eitsubyou no Mikoto. I must take this lady with me now."
"Wait, tell me! Do you know the shinigami Rei? The kitsune?"
Kana shook their head. "There are many of us, Eitsubyou no Mikoto. I may have met this colleague, but I couldn't say..."
"Then, take me with you too."
"Lady?"
"I have to find someone who can confirm it for me."
"I see.” Kana tapped their teeth pensively. “Well, I can guide you to the Shinigami Office, Eitsubyou no Mikoto. One moment." Kana produced a simple paper fan, flicking it upwards as they knelt respectfully. "Little spirit, let us go."
From the body rose a glowing shape, little sparkling embers floating up and away into nothing.
"Oh, what a beautiful little soul.” Kana smiled, as the shining red camellia floated gently over to their outstretched hand. Eitsu's heart clenched as it landed on their fingers as light and easy as a kiss.
"That-" The word escaped her lips like blood from a wound.
"Yes?"
"Can I... carry her?"
Kana looked at the flower, and then at Eitsu, whose dark, dizzying aura swirling unpleasantly. "You understand that you cannot return her to her body."
"Yes."
"And that if you run away, you will not get very far befo-"
"I KNOW! I know... Just please... please... let me carry her."
Kana gave her one last warning look. “If she stays here too long, she'll become a restless ghost.”
“I know...” Eitsu was almost on her knees with desperation.
The shinigami carefully held out the flower. With human hands once more, Eitsu took the glowing red bloom, and held it close to her chest. The camellia pulsed like a heart.
"Ah... it's warm... it's warm..." A drop of water soaked into the petals. And then another, and another, and finally, Eitsu realised she was crying.
"We have to go. I'm afraid there isn't much time," she heard Kana say. She nodded, and blindly followed, her tears soaking the warm soul she carried in her hands.
*
It is very easy to enter Yomi, the underworld. You take a wrong turn somewhere, and before you know it, a long tunnel is stretched before you, light twinkling at the end of it. Or there's a well, and you're falling down, down, down towards the brightness below.
If you didn't take a wrong turn, it can be as simple as falling asleep. Or as difficult.
Eitsu followed Kana for a long, long time. She could hear a distant, thunderous roar. Water, perhaps, a huge torrent crashing down into a deep, dark place, but all she could see was the glowing fur of the shinigami walking calmly before her, and the beautiful red flower clutched in her hands.
And then she blinked, perhaps, and they were in a narrow lane.
People – humans, yokai, shinigami, and other beings – walked through the busy streets. All was dark and pale, the lanterns casting ghostly white light, not warm fire, the streets grey and hushed despite the number of beings present. Over everything hung a sense of expectation, of waiting.
Kana kept walking. They nodded at other shinigami as they passed, who nodded back and bowed respectfully to Eitsu. Onlookers watched with dim curiosity, before turning back to whatever they were doing before. Figures moved in the windows, their shadows cast against the rice-paper walls and doors.
On and on, the path continued. Wooden houses and shops, tightly packed together. Waiting people. Pale light. Grey cobblestones. Waiting people.
At last, they approached a gate, where a long line of people were standing. The expectation here was far more intense than amongst the houses. It was palpable, almost painful. The lined people seemed ready to burst with anticipation, hands clutched, eyes fervently fixed on the gate before them.
Kana walked to the side of this line, bowed to the guards who were processing the line of people. “Shinigami Kana, escorting a soul and a distinguished guest, second level.”
She was passed two slips of paper, one white, the other a vibrant red that stood out starkly in that pale world. She handed this to Eitsu, and they both entered the compound beyond. The red slip of paper bore the two neatly written characters for 'Second Level' in rich black ink.
The buildings here were large and made of stone, curled eaves of dark wood. Groves of white-flowering peach carpeted the courtyard with petals. Eitsu counted each petal as it fell.
One... Two... Eight... Nine... Two hundred... One thousand...
Kana held out their hands. Eitsu stared dumbly at them.
“What?”
“It's time to say goodbye, Eitsubyou no Mikoto.”
“No.” She glared ferociously, eyes spitting golden fire. Her dark aura curled around Kana, whispering darkly in the shinigami's ears. Kana simply stood, hands still outstretched, waiting patiently.
“NO!” Eitsu shouted. She almost stomped the ground. Kana didn't move.
“No... No...”
She wanted to physically crush the flower into her. She wanted to open her jaws and swallow it down, feel the heat in her stomach. She wanted to run. She wanted to absorb and devour until no one could separate the two of them, ever again.
Don't leave me.
Kana held out their hands.
Slowly, hands trembling, Eitsu placed the flower into those hands.
Kana bowed. “That door over there will take you to the enquiry centre. I wish you the best, Lady Eitsu.”
And the shinigami walked away.
Eitsu stared and stared after the retreating back, although water kept distorting her vision for some reason. Oh... Was she crying again? When had she started? Had she ever stopped? She couldn't see the little red flower anymore, and soon Kana joined a line of other shinigami, also carrying glowing little souls, proceeding through another door some distance away.
Eitsu kept breathing. Her heart kept beating. She kept staring. Her stomach made a little sound of protest, and yet she wanted to throw up. Her legs felt tired, so she sat down.
How could she be hungry? How could she feel tiredness? How could she feel sickness? How could she be alive?
Tsubaki was gone.
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